Chapter 45: The Builder

Midnight Burger

In Chapter 45 of Midnight Burger, the heroes are scattered across the multiverse after sacrificing themselves to save others from Croc the Propagator's evil empire.

Key takeaways

• Survival often depends not on tools but on creativity and adaptability with limited resources.

Main topics

• Survival in extreme environments
• Resourcefulness under duress

Notable quotes

All beauty comes at a price.

You're only as lost as your mind allows you.

Conclusion

Leif's survival hinges on transforming ice into a tool through sheer will

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) Last season on Midnight Burger, rolling along, singing a song, side by SWAT THEM! The diner finds itself under attack. Again? But by who? Turns out, it's this guy. Speaker 3 (0:17) Kill them. Speaker 2 (0:18) Who has an entire evil empire of these guys. Speaker 2 (0:24) Croc the Propagator is his name and universal domination is his game. And his plan all starts in Cryptessia, a galaxy that he has populated with planet after planet of lab-grown earthlings where he tests out the best way to control the minds of everyone he dominates. Like Fiona. Hi there! Also wrapped up in it all are Croc's three daughters. My Speaker 6 (0:45) name is Kazi. That was my sister Tita. She's about to get our other sister, Lubuza. They're pretty intense. Speaker 7 (0:51) All of our people are prisoners. We don't know where they are. I led them all here. They're all trapped out there because of me. You should Speaker 6 (0:57) come up to my lab sometime, Casper. I'll grow you a fucking spine. Heads up! Edible arrangements? This is a fucking robbery! After an Speaker 2 (1:04) intense game of cat and mouse across Cryptessia, the diner finds itself in the clutches of Croc. Goddamn, this guy absolutely... fucked us. It's like he knows the diner better than we do. And in a move that some have called Banana Pan's crazy town nutso, Gloria, Ava, Casper, and Leif sacrifice themselves so that others may continue the fight. Leif! Sorry, Leif, what the fuck are you- Now, separated by the vastness of the multiverse, how will our heroes find their way back to the fight against Croc? Top off your coffee and feed the cat. Season 5 of Midnight Burger is here. Let's start the shift. Speaker 7 (1:49) Once upon a time, there was a builder. The builder had lost his workshop, lost his tools, lost his way. He wandered on icy plains on a distant planet. Be Speaker 1 (2:38) a fucking ice giant, huh? Speaker 7 (2:42) There is death by fire and death by ice. Speaker 7 (2:48) Both are merciless, but at least fire is quick. Ice takes its time. Ice slowly creeps in. Ice gives you time. Time to regret. Time to fear. And the worst of it, time to hope. The Builder had no choice but to hope. Speaker 1 (3:17) Okay, Leif. At least get out of the wind! Speaker 7 (3:26) It was a strange magic that brought him to this frozen land. He had been banished, but his banishment could only occur in a place he had touched in the past. For all of us, how many places could that be? So few of us move from place to place all our lives. But for the Builder, there were few stars in the sky he hadn't touched at least once. As far as he knew, he could be anywhere. Speaker 7 (4:08) The Builder took shelter in the shadow of a cliff by an icy sea. Shelter from the wind would postpone his death, but extend his misery. Speaker 1 (4:20) Really regretting my decision to have visited so many shitty planets over the course of my life. Casper probably landed in Bakersfield. I'd give my right lung to be in fucking Bakersfield right now. Okay. Speaker 1 (4:41) Okay. Where are we, Leif? Let's think back. Ice giants I have known. Kastriv? Celestiani? Speaker 7 (4:56) You're only as lost as your mind allows you. The Builder had spent a life among the stars, and knew clusters of dust like one would a curve in an ancient road. He searched the night sky to see what it could tell him. Speaker 1 (5:15) Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q Speaker 7 (5:25) -Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q- Speaker 1 (5:48) There's only one ocean on Qalandis. I lived about 30 kilometers from it. There. If my hideout's here, it'll be between those two mountains. 30 kilometers. If I try to walk 30 kilometers, I'll die. If I stay here, I'll die. Speaker 7 (6:21) Fuck! What is a knight without his sword? What is a farmer without his field? What is a builder without his tools? Speaker 7 (6:36) The builder tried to remind himself of the first rule he ever learned. Speaker 1 (6:43) There is only one tool. Inventory. H2O. Matter state, solid. H2O mixed with sodium chloride. Matter state, liquid. Water and salt water, that's all I've got to work with. That is not going to do it. I'm fucked. Maybe I try and huff it? I did 35 seconds in the void of space one time. I could do 30 kilometers in, I'm guessing, negative 10 Celsius without any protective clothing. Sure. Sure, I could. No, I can't. Speaker 7 (7:37) Tools are irrelevant without materials. The builder had taken stock of his materials. And as far as his eyes could see, he saw only ice, water, and salt. It wasn't enough. Speaker 1 (8:00) What can I do with you? Nothing. You saved my life, and you're totally useless right now. I hope it's going better for you guys out there. Where'd you wind up, Gloria? Back at Jack in the Box? Ava, you probably landed in some high-armed leather chair surrounded by dudes with elbow pads. Not me. No. I get the fucking ice planet. Oh, shit! Nice to have some company. What's your name? Speaker 1 (9:08) I'm Leif. I'm going to be dead soon. Of course, Speaker 8 (9:20) I could try Speaker 1 (9:21) and kill Speaker 8 (9:22) you Speaker 1 (9:22) and live inside your body Han Solo style. But you are 12 feet of blubber and I just have a space pager. Wait, wait. Secret handshake. 50,000 volts is just going to make you mad, isn't it? Fuck. Speaker 1 (9:55) Well, nice to meet you anyway. Oh my, come on, man. Oh my god, the smell. So excited that this will be the last thing I ever smell. Speaker 7 (10:36) It's odd, the builder thought, how anything could be a gift if it's given at the right time. Speaker 8 (10:48) Hang on. Speaker 1 (10:52) Water, sodium chloride, and now methane. Iron, copper, depending on what you ate today. Methane gas could ignite. Speaker 1 (11:02) For the night, sure, but that's one big flash. The high moisture content of the fuel source makes a continuous burn pretty tricky. Oh, man, you're really missing out, guys. I'm trying to save my life by lighting a gigantic pile of shit on fire. There's a metaphor in there somewhere. Okay. Speaker 1 (11:37) Humongous shit pile. How do I light you on fire? In one hand, I have a space pager. Speaker 8 (11:47) Looks like Paradise Life made this thing pretty efficient, so I won't get much juice out of it. On the other hand, I have the secret handshake. Can deliver a quick burst of Speaker 1 (11:57) 50,000 volts, but... Low wattage. Going to need sustained heat. Speaker 1 (12:08) Environmental concerns. Speaker 8 (12:09) Fuel Speaker 1 (12:09) source, aka shit pile, is steaming right Speaker 8 (12:12) now, but I imagine will be frozen within an Speaker 1 (12:14) hour. Whatever I do, I'll need to be ready to do it by the time the next guy wants to take a dump on the beach. Sustained heat. Sustained heat. Speaker 7 (12:30) When the solution finally came to him, it didn't arrive as good tidings. Speaker 7 (12:38) Like any escape from certain death, this solution would require a sacrifice. Speaker 1 (12:48) Sunrise in about four hours. Let's get to work. Speaker 7 (12:56) The builder needed one tool to live. But that tool was buried in the wall of ice before him. He kicked and kicked at the wall as the shards of ice fell around him. He was finally surrounded by fragments of ice, large and small. Speaker 1 (13:22) Okay. Speaker 1 (13:25) Several hunks of ice. Which one of you is the lucky winner? I need you to be the size of a dinner plate. Any takers? You there. You look like you're up for the job. Okay. Big piece of ice. I'm about to turn you into something beautiful. It's going to cost me, but all beauty comes at a price. Am I right? Speaker 7 (14:00) All beauty comes at a price. Speaker 7 (14:06) The sculptor blinded by marble dust. The painter driven mad by the poison in their paint. And now the builder. Using the warmth of his hand, he would slowly melt and shape the fragment of ice. He was careful to only use his left hand. Then, after his hand was too cold, his left arm. Then back again to his hand. Over and over again, smoothing the edges, slowly shaping it into the only tool that could save him. Speaker 1 (14:50) Mr. Torvaldsen, I've dealt with prodigies before, and I will say to you what I've said to all of them. No amount of intelligence will make up for flawed optics. Clean your optics every morning, Mr. Torvaldsen. Speaker 7 (15:23) Keep going, Leif! Into the morning, he shaped the ice to his will. As the sun rose, it offered little comfort. The star was distant and cold. But he did not need the sun for its warmth. Speaker 1 (15:39) Okay. Ideal angle is 17 degrees above the horizon. Leif, you're going to need both of your arms for this part. You can't feel one of your arms right now, but it'll still respond. Speaker 1 (16:00) I think two minutes will do the trick. Two minutes is all we need. Okay, just waiting for the guest of honor now. Speaker 7 (16:14) He waited in the frigid morning for the last phase of his plan. One arm numb, the rest of him not far off. The only thing left was a little bit of luck. Oh, Speaker 1 (16:34) hello, gorgeous! Come on, come on! Speaker 1 (16:41) You know that's why you came here? Pal, two minutes left. The Speaker 7 (17:14) builder raised his new creation above his head. It was a massive lens. All night long, he had used his own hands to make a lens made entirely of the ice that was trying to kill him. The lens would gather the rays of the sun into a beam. And with enough time... The builder would make fire from ice. Come on! Come Speaker 1 (17:44) on! Hold it steady. God, that smells like a chemical plant. But the heat is glorious. Do I mean fire? You're still sucking in air, Leif. Speaker 7 (18:27) Somehow. The builder fell into a deep sleep next to his fire made from ice. His dreams were strange dreams of warmth. An endless celebration by a crystalline ocean. An argument with a friend on a train. A warm body in a warm bed. Bright, white, sharp teeth in the darkness whispering, I love you. Oh, hey Speaker 1 (19:16) there. Pretty great, right? It's fire. It's one of the things that separates me from you. One of the many things. I, uh... Speaker 1 (19:41) I have no idea what your kind is called, so I'm just going to call you Jay Schmoe, okay? Mr. Schmoe, if you could remind me not to touch my left arm, I'd really appreciate it. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I lived. Barely. Sadly, this isn't going to do it, Jay. Speaker 1 (20:21) This is a temporary situation. 30 kilometers. 30 kilometers inland. That's the next step. How am I going to pull that off? Sun's going down? If I don't have a plan by tomorrow, I'm dead. Know any campfire songs? Speaker 7 (21:05) All through the night, the builder tried to convince himself that he didn't already know the plan. The plan came to him almost instantly as soon as he awoke. All through the night, he tried to think of any other plan. Anything that could keep him from doing what he would have to do next. Nothing came. Speaker 1 (21:36) What? Oh, all this? Well, believe it or not, my blubbery friend, this is the plan. I have here in my arms several pieces of your frozen ship. Speaker 1 (21:56) I will now sit down by the fire and take my boots off. You're right. It does sound crazy. But I'm afraid that's all we're left with. I take a moment and warm my feet by the fire and then I take my right boot and... Fill it with frozen pieces of your incredibly stinktastic shit, Mr. J. Schmoe. I fill it all the way to the top of my boot. Now, I have one boot full of shit, one empty boot, and two socks. I take two socks and put them on my right foot. And then I take the empty boot and put it... On my left foot, I lean the shit boot up against the fire, and I wait for it to thaw enough that it catches on fire. Speaker 8 (23:31) I knew this guy back home. Lenny. Lenny Harris. Cool guy. Speaker 1 (23:40) I was packing up my stuff, heading off to Berkeley. I told him I would fix his bike for him, so of course, I added a motor to it because I can't fucking help myself. I'm finally going to get out of here, he said. Speaker 1 (23:56) Oh, yeah? Where are you going, Lenny? He said, Micronesia. Micronesia? What the hell for? They'll never find me there, he said. This is a 17-year-old kid talking like he was on the run from the feds. You know, Lenny, the problem with nobody being able to find you is that nobody's able to find you. Should have taken my own advice. Speaker 1 (24:43) Here we go. I have turned my boot into a torch. The fire will burn at the top and slowly thaw the fuel underneath and then use that to keep burning. Should be enough heat to keep me from dying, at least. Time's a-wasting. Jay Schmoe, my friend, enjoy the fire. Theoretically, if you keep coming ashore and shitting on it, you can always have a fire up here. Speaker 1 (25:24) An eternal flame. A memorial. 30 kilometers. Piece of cake. Speaker 7 (25:46) With a torch and only one budan, the builder made his way across the land of ice. The wind was constant and relentless. Even when the sun was at its highest, it was as though it burned cold. It wasn't long into the journey that time became irrelevant. He could have been walking for minutes. He could have been walking for years. There was only one way he found to motivate himself. He thought of his death. If he were to die here, his body would never decompose and become part of the earth. He would be frozen, trapped forever. Wide, dead eyes gazing at the sunrise for eons until even the sun burned out. If he died... Speaker 7 (26:50) He would never be free. Emergency Speaker 6 (27:16) medical bed deployed. Diagnosis request? Body scan! Conducting full scan. Please remain still. Migration level four. Please remain still for electrolyte injection. Triage report available. Go! Upper left appendage and lower right extremity experiencing level seven necrosis. Speaker 7 (27:57) Treatment recommendations! He was careful to only use his left hand. Speaker 6 (28:04) Field amputation. Removal of upper left appendage and lower right extremity. Administering anesthesia. Procedure will commence in two minutes. Speaker 7 (28:24) As he waited there for the machine to change his body forever, he heard an old, familiar voice. Speaker 1 (28:36) Sue! Speaker 1 (28:38) Losing your arm in the Justine Burbank system, huh? Sounds a little familiar to me. I'm aware. Watch yourself, Buster. Everybody loves the freewheeling old man. But all I was ever meant to be was a cautionary tale. I'm aware. Speaker 7 (29:07) With certain death narrowly avoided, the Builder changed his focus as the chemicals seeped into his body. He thought of those that sent him here. His enemies. The ones that took his friends from him. The ones that condemned him to an icy death. As he thought of them, he issued a promise to the empty air. I'm Speaker 1 (29:38) going to kill every single fucking one of you. The Speaker 7 (29:43) Builder had become the Destroyer. As every Builder does from time to time. The key is knowing when the destruction must stop. Speaker 7 (29:57) Sometimes, it never feels like enough. Speaker 6 (30:16) Reviving patient in 5, 4, 3, 2... Speaker 1 (30:33) Report. Speaker 6 (30:33) All procedures successful. Recommend replacement of removed appendages with cybernetics or live grafts. Would you like me to connect you with local vendors? Speaker 8 (30:45) No. Speaker 6 (30:46) Would you like a debrief regarding psychological trauma or PLP? Speaker 8 (30:52) No. Speaker 6 (30:52) Remember, nearly all patients who have an amputation performed have some form of phantom pain or disc... Would you Speaker 8 (31:02) shut up, please? Speaker 6 (31:08) Home Speaker 1 (31:18) sweet home! Yeah. Hello, Nancy. At least you won't have to walk out of here. Looks like she's in pretty good shape. One problem, though. If my ship's here, where Speaker 8 (32:05) am I? Speaker 7 (32:21) The Builder stood over his own slain body. An echo of himself, gunned down and left for dead. A sheen of ice covering his skin. So many of us are plagued by the road not taken. Few of us come face to face with it. Speaker 8 (32:44) Who Speaker 1 (32:44) do you think got him? Well, the Teds would have captured you. A few different plasma burns on the rocks. Looks like some rim runners just got lucky. Caught you unawares. Speaker 1 (33:01) So, effective reminder that it could be worse. Speaker 8 (33:06) Yeah. Speaker 1 (33:10) Sorry, Leif. Let's get the fuck out of here. Speaker 6 (34:12) Welcome to the Unsailing Wizard. What can I get you? Uh, Leif? Brilzebub? Speaker 8 (34:23) I thought you're supposed to be dead. Surprise. You can't be here right now. I'm exactly where I want to be. Well, what Speaker 1 (34:37) do we have here, Bugaboo? Do my eyes deceive me, Battle Pope? We're looking at a dead man, Bugaboo. Or at least he looks like one, Battle Pope. Battle Pope and Bugaboo. Speaker 8 (34:48) Is there a shitty criminals conference in town or something? What was I saying just the other day, Bugaboo? I believe you Speaker 1 (34:55) were saying you wish we killed him, Battlepo. And now here we are, Bugaboo. You know, they swore to us up and down, Battlepo. Speaker 8 (35:03) Never trust the word of a rimrunner, Bugaboo. Speaker 1 (35:06) So what's worse, Link? Being dead? Or knowing you're about to be killed? Talking Speaker 8 (35:12) to you two is worse than both. What kind of idiot? Escapes getting deleted, and then Speaker 1 (35:17) walks into the unselling wizard like it's nothing, Bugaboo. Well, this kind of idiot battle, Poe. Well, if you want something done right, Bugaboo. Guys, guys, Speaker 8 (35:27) guys, listen. I realize there's a bit of bad blood between the three of us, but trust me, I'm here to make amends. Is that right? Of course. Here. Speaker 8 (35:45) Take these. This is my way of saying I'm sorry. What the hell are these, Battle Poe? Speaker 3 (35:59) Oh, Speaker 1 (36:00) fuck. Speaker 6 (36:02) It's Speaker 8 (36:02) crazy, right? I hand them to people and they just take them. So trusting. Hey, guys. Long time no see. Let me guess. You thought I was dead, right? Honestly, me too. So don't feel bad. Uh-oh. You know, I thought a couple of secret handshakes might not be enough for a situation like this. So, of course I made more. I'd like some credit for developing non-lethal technology in a hostile marketplace. Oh, shit. Hey, Brilzebub, what's that drink you make that I like so much? Speaker 6 (37:17) A barbarian bloodbath? Speaker 8 (37:20) That's the one. I'll have one of those. You know, once upon a time, I wanted to be that guy who walks into a bar and everybody notices. But now that that's happened, I don't know. Not all it's cracked up to be. What happened to the arm? Speaker 8 (37:50) Slipped on a banana peel. Uh, Leif, I'm just a bartender, okay? Nobody's ever one thing, Brilzebub. Leif, I swear, I just- Stop talking, Brilzebub. Now, you're going to walk me into the back, and you're going to get me in to see the potion maestro. If you don't, I'll show you what else I have in this bag of money. Speaker 6 (39:04) Who is it? You have a new patient. I don't have a patient on my schedule. Speaker 1 (39:10) It's, uh, it's urgent. Speaker 6 (39:14) Very well. This had better be an emergency. Speaker 8 (39:20) It is for me, but, you know, everything's relative. Lay. Yeah, yeah, you thought I was dead. Do me a favor and don't make any sudden movements, maestro. I've managed to go all day without killing anyone. Respect the streak. I Speaker 6 (39:39) saw your body. The image was locked. It couldn't have been faked. This Speaker 8 (39:44) is a missed opportunity on my part. I could make up a great story about how I avoided death. Huge myth-making opportunity. How about this? There's infinite Leifs out there. You killed one of us, but another one's just going to show up to take his place. We're like fucking herpes. Pretty good, right? People love a good story. Like the story you told me one time about how 60 % of your body is metallic. Speaker 6 (40:19) What did you just put on my wall? Speaker 8 (40:21) Don't worry. Speaker 1 (40:22) It's not a bomb. What Speaker 8 (40:29) are you doing? I've just magnetized you to the wall. Convincing metal to act like a magnet is much easier than you would think. What do you Speaker 6 (40:39) want? Speaker 8 (40:41) Do I have your undivided attention, maestro? Yes. Great. As I'm sure you've noticed, I'm missing one arm and one foot. I'm going to need you to look through your godforsaken inventory and find me a replacement. Of course. Speaker 6 (41:00) Of course, no problem. I just got a shipment of Sharebear 17-890s. You and Speaker 8 (41:05) I both know Sharebears can be tracked. Speaker 6 (41:08) Okay, okay, no problem. Speaker 8 (41:11) Maestro, this magnet's about to crush your pseudo-skeleton. I'd think a little quicker if I were you. Davey Boys! Speaker 6 (41:18) I Speaker 8 (41:19) got Davey Boys 7-Elevens in the back! Fantastic. Can you turn off the magnet now, please? One more second. I'm attaching a bomb to your arm. Your real arm, not the one you can remove. I'm going to set the timer for two hours. So, if I'm not awake with my new arm in two hours, then bippity boppity boom! They're going to be cleaning your guts and parts off this room for weeks! Not that you do a lot of cleaning around here. Are we clear? Speaker 1 (41:58) Yes! Okay. Speaker 8 (42:07) I look forward to working with you. Speaker 7 (42:36) We're never truly done with the darkness in us. You can come to terms with it, hide it away, even send it into a lifelong slumber. But it's never eliminated. The darkness never leaves you. And at times when you're backed against a wall by your circumstances, you can reach deep down into yourself and rouse it back to life. You can use the darkness within you to survive. There's a trick to it. If you use the darkness, the darkness may use you. You may never get control again if you let it out. Speaker 1 (43:35) Seems like changes to the laser torch isn't a priority right now. I don't know what universe I'm in. I need Speaker 8 (43:42) to do a CMB scan and I don't want to spend time making another interferometer, so... Speaker 8 (43:48) We are parked on the outskirts of the Harbinger Pulsar, where there are a group of decommissioned mirror satellites. I use the laser on the mirrors and bounce the signal back to me. I use the interference to make the CMB map. Speaker 1 (44:03) Nice. Doing it in space cuts out the atmospheric interference. So, you figure out where you are in the multiverse, and then what? I don't know. Speaker 8 (44:17) I figured getting my bearings was the next step after getting all my appendages back. Speaker 1 (44:22) How's the new arm? It's a piece of shit, but it'll do. What was yours again? A noble barrel, but I made some changes to it. Okay, we're good. We'll give that a few minutes. In the meantime, let's