Welcome to the Horizon 2.9: Sous les Pavés, la Plage!

Midnight Burger - Business Goose Media

A surreal blend of humor and existential dread unfolds as characters face impending doom, confront personal quirks, and navigate chaotic town dynamics with absurd solutions. The episode weaves together quirky dialogue, s

Key takeaways

• Absurdity reveals deeper truths

Transcript preview

Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make, so please consider supporting us by subscribing on supporting cast, Patreon, or Apple Podcasts. For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude, just follow any of the links in the show notes for this episode. Thanks for supporting the Fable and Folly Network. Here's another show we know you'll love. detected inbound to your area. Inspired by the real life false alarm that terrified Hawaii in 2018, incoming is a thrilling and hilarious cinematic podcast that explores how people react in their most critical hour. Are you not hearing me? There are missiles headed here right now. Look, I just want to be with you. featuring incredible performances from Tracy Letts, Mary Lou Henner, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Paul Adelsine, and many others. Now there's going to be them that live and then that don't don't. a big mistake. Is this all my blood? Maybe you're the leader of a Dunes Day cult, or you're a country superstar in 1954, or a gangster in witness protection. The question remains the same. What would you do if you only had 20 minutes until the missiles landed? This is not a test. What would you do with your last few minutes on Earth? subscribe to incoming now before it's too late. In the big rock candy mountain you never clean your socks and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks. Hello. Hello! Hello! Coffee! already started the day with Burdock Root Tea or something? I actually did. How did you know? Oh, I didn't. I was joking. Well, it flushes out the toxins. Whatever. You're in a good mood. I am. I have found the key to happiness. Oh, have you? Oh, please share. All week long. Throughout the day, I have been doing this. Hey, Eldon. Eldon. Eldon. Eldon. And nothing. It's been amazing. Well, I can do that all the time. Is that why I'm so happy? Maybe. You want to borrow my rotary phone? No, I think I'll go one step further. I am going to get one of those hand-cranked ones. I'll have to stand at the wall to use it. No, even further, a couple of tin cans. Some string? Yes. So, do you want to hear the news from the town square or not? Mm, not. Mm, not. Mm. Two more minutes. Okay. How are you doing? The mountain is okay. Natural systems are always more resilient than we think they are. I was feeling pretty sick for a couple of days. Well luckily you had some birdock tea. Yes, Frank. Luckily. for a second i know i'll be okay hmm we need to watch the third movie what's it called return of the jedi right but maybe not the most important thing right now i don't know that guy is frozen in that thing and he's just going to stay frozen until i watch the next movie spoiler alert he'll be fine. Okay but as soon as all this is over we're getting back to it. Okay. Speaking of which. Okay. Okay fine what's the news? refugees. And that is almost certainly not true. Regardless, we've got a bunch of abandoned houses up here from when people initially fled town. And people are trying to move in. Really? Yes. How many people? I don't know. Okay. Well, I hope Steve has a plan. is the man with the plan. Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth? I'm serious. You can't be. Why? Hey, it was Steve's plan that got us this far. I'm sure he'll have another plan up his sleeve. Well, whoa, that is not the reaction. It was Steve's plan that got us this far. I'm sure he'll have another plan up his sleeve. Well, that is not the reaction I was expecting. prizes, Trinket. Why do I have to be the dependable one? Because it's freaking me out. Well, look, here's what's going to happen. Steve is going to walk around like he's the mayor, right? Or, sorry, deputy mayor. And he's going to start solving problems left and right. He is Mr. Solutions, that guy. I think this is going to take a little more organization than Steve is still more organization than Steve is. capable of. I know, but you know it's going to happen next. Huh. Doug is going to happen. Doug is going to happen. Doug is going to get out his golden clipboard and start organizing things. He's going to have a list of all the vacant houses and who's moving into each one. He is going to check off boxes. The man loves checking off boxes. So you're fine with a bunch of strangers suddenly moving to town? throw a tantrum like you usually do? I do object to the word tantrum first of all. Well don't get me wrong I'm I'm loving this attitude. It is very strange coming from you. I worry about the sarcasm levels. Nope. No sarcasm. I'm serious Steve's got this. Who are you? I am a guy who was just spent a week with no one bothering him and it has been fucking fantastic trinket more of that please you're not just sitting there waiting for this to go horribly wrong are you no drink it we used to be a town full of fucking morons what are you talking about fucking morons what are you talking about fucking morons but now look at us I mean I do have to say I didn't see us as a group that was capable of free bring thousands of slaves and fighting off space pirates. Right? Remember Charlie de Lambert? Mm, kind of? She collected something right, obsessively. Watches. Mm, right. But she wasn't a collector. Right, no, she was not. It was kind of pathological. But if it had an hour hand and a minute hand, she had to take it home and file it away. Yeah, I heard she had a lot of them. She had some sort of problem with her septic tank. She wanted me to look at this one time. So I'm walking through her house and it's just shoebox after shoebox of these watches. This was during the era where everyone was getting a digital watch. So nobody wanted an old school watch anymore. And I say to her, Charlie, what's with all the watches? And she couldn't really explain it. She just said... I don't know Frank where are they all going to go I love that but also where are you taking me with this story stay with me I go by her house one day this was years ago and she's packing up her stuff moving away I ask her what's going on and she says that she bought a mango farm in Java what because one of the watches she obsessively kept had a name engraved on the back. Alexi Leonov, he was a cosmonaut in the 70s. That watch had been on board the friggin Soyuz capsule. She sold it through a Russian auction house for an amount of money that I don't want to say out loud because it makes me angry. Holy shit! So the day before she sold that watch, she was a nutcase with a hoarding price, she was a nutcase with a hoarding price. The day after? Uh-huh. A genius. So everybody made fun of Tavrock back on Earth. How many lives did he save the other night? None of us fit in back on Earth now? I mean, look at us. week. Frank? Frank, are you there? Frank? I don't think he's receiving me yet. We're here, Eldon. Trinkin, where's Frank? No. Oh, he's here. Is he trapped under something? Why isn't he speaking? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't take this the wrong way. But I think Frank's been enjoying the week off. I see. Well I hope you're well rested Frank. All hell's about to break loose. Gort wake up. What is a week? What is a week? What's a week? What is a week? the other end of the warp gate. Gate traffic monitors are available. Why? Monitor is disabled. I see. They want me going in blind. Doesn't matter. Incoming communication from Ted Command Station Delta. I was waiting for this, put it through. So should I be worried that the most dangerous ship in the triad is suddenly on the move? Or am I just being a worry ward? Hello, Galls. I thought your raiding days were behind you, Lafe. It's a special situation. been hearing about your special situation. What the hell is going on in your world? Nothing to worry about? Nothing to worry about. Nothing I can't handle. So you're telling me there wasn't a massive explosion emanating from the galaxy brain a few days ago? You're not spying on me, are you gulls? Who, me? We have a wonderful working relationship, Lafe, one built on mutual trust. I'm glad to hear that. in your backyard. I just thought I should remind you that we share the same backyard. I'm about to solve our mutual Raxius problem. Really? By the time I'm done, the Iron Quadrant will be ready for development. Plenty of resources, no organized societies. It'll be Christmas morning for the Ted Empire by the time I'm done. That sounds enticingly, but then again, so do most fantastical things. It's not a fantasy. I should have done this a long time ago. Should have done what a long time ago? We've been trying to take over the infrastructure of Raxius and make it our own. That was a mistake. The city's inherently out of control. And your solution? Destroy the city. Destroy it. We're throwing good money after bad trying to control it. Well, I'm no expert on intergalactic conquest. Oh, wait. Yes, I am. It's going to be fine. What's your plan for the refugees? Minsky can handle the refugees. The dead people won't be missed. This is not how the Ted Empire likes to do business late. Which is why you work with me. I do the things you don't like to do. And if things just become more chaotic. That's enough performative hand-ringing gals. I know you're already salivating over having a whole new quadrant to plunder. I create the case. and the TEDs get to swoop in as the benevolent saviors, handing out blankets to the survivors. And that will be that. The last bit of the Triad will be controlled by the both of us. We'll finally be at the top of the shit pile. There's something you can do to speed this along though and what's that I just need to borrow a few things The sooner this is over the better. Well what's mine is yours of course have a Ted not meet us at the warp gate Very well. I'm detecting a bit of a personal agenda on your part life What the fuck do you care? I don't. Do you want to know why? Because it's never personal for the Ted Empire You let and that's when empires come falling to the ground. Thanks for the advice. I'd have some ships waiting outside the gate to Raxius if I were you. The shit's going to get messy. Well, best of luck, Lafe. And if you don't make it out alive, it's been a pleasure working with you. Yeah, I hated every minute of it. Now, now, remember what I said. Don't make it personal. It's all I've got left. All right y'all, listen up. We need everybody to have a little patience. We're trying to find a place for everybody and there's a well there's a whole lot of you. I need the folks who have already signed up with Doug to go ahead and have a seat and if you haven't checked in with Doug, please form a single line over here. Uh, hello. Hi, hi, everyone. I'm I'm gonna need. a few things, your name and the number of people in your party and any special considerations we need to take into account. So like I'm already hearing that people from KBS 1017 have to live in houses that base west. Huh, well, urban planning on your plan, it must be a nightmare, right? Um, Donnie Darko, aka, um, Darko, the destroyer, we do have a house available with a nice flower bed as you requested. So just sit tight and we'll get you some keys, okay? All right, everyone, um, one line please. Excuse me, Edgy, Steve? Oh, hey, uh, hey, it's just Steve. Okay, Steve, I'm Giga. Yeah, I've, I've seen you around. You're from, uh, wait, don't tell me. And her home. Oh, yeah, I am. How did you know that? Hey, I'd pay attention, Giga. Hey, are you looking for a place? No, I'm not. I need to warn you guys about something. Warn us. About what? You're in danger. The whole city is, too. It's really bad. Oh, I see. Let me guess. There's a great big ship coming and it's going to kill us all. Yeah. How did you know? We're on it, Gee. We're on it. Oh, hey, Alden, what's up? Coming in for our landing now, is everyone in the sheep's eye? Yeah, we're ready. Hey, we'll be right behind you. Who's your friend? Oh, uh, this is Giga. Why is she staring at me? Giga? Giga? Giga, it's me. Who? Who? Oh, it's me. Oh, it's me. Oh, it's me. Holy shit. Hi. Misty? Yeah. Um, I was in disguise. Okay. Dijra. Hey, um, I was in disguise. Okay, that's. Did D. D. D. D. D. D. Uh, that's my boss over there. Oh, shit. Right. Um, you know how? Sometimes people have an evil twin? I guess. Well, he's the opposite. Okay. Look, I don't have time to explain right now. I am so glad you got out of the galaxy brain. We've got to go in there and have a meeting. That's Burge. Yes, I'll explain that too. Um, I know. It is really confusing. Wait here and I'll be right. Hello and welcome space adventurers. Erge, you look like shit. Well, I got shot a couple of times. Well, Jesus Christ, duck next time, dummy. Oh, why didn't I think of that? How many dozens of drinks can I get you? Three dozen, please, and please tell me there are some cigarettes back there. Frank, Lafe, we have some great news. What's that? We are making you, Hood's pocket employee. of the month. I can die now. Yes. D. D. D. D.S. sit down. Welcome back. Hey, what did I miss? Well, Frank's been in a good mood lately and it's making all of us uncomfortable. Hello everyone, sorry I'm late, very unmilitary of me. Someone asked me for my autograph out there. We're so hot right now. I'm going to release a children's book and a cosmetic line. The meeting hasn't started, but let's get to it. Steve? Yeah, what? Start the meeting? Me? Yeah, my man, go for it. Uh, okay. Yeah, sure. Okay. Welcome back to the away team. Thank you. It's great to have you all back, but trouble is on the way, right, Eldon. The name of the ship is the Alex P. Keaton. Ask? It's a massive Starship that is armed to the teeth. Not the least of its armaments is an 80 ton rail gun, a Byzantine but effective weapon that launches an 80 ton projectile across very long distances. It's a city killer. Luckily for us, we had a head start, and the ship is quite slow, but it will be crossing the warp gate into this quadrant any time now. Is this like the death star? Who's been showing Trinket Star Wars? She insisted we watch it. I'm so proud of you, Trinket! It's not a bad equivalency, Trinket. So maybe it has a secret place where we can shoot something into it and the whole thing explodes. It doesn't. Really? An insult to engineers everywhere, that movie. So, uh, guys, I am no expert, but last time I checked, 80 tons was heavy. It is, Frank. An army of psychotic zombies is one thing. How are we supposed to defend against an 80 ton bullet fired from space? We have a plan for that. It's unconventional. It's crazy. Well, we've had some crazy plans in the past. Now, this one, Chef's Kiss Life. Oh, I can't wait to hear this. What's the plan? Let's save that for the end. While in transit, I asked all of you to come up. with options to defend the town. What have you come up with? I mean, speaking of crazy plans, Celeste? Right. Well, we have some weapons at the base, sure, but since we were primarily a research station, we weren't armed to the teeth or anything. Yeah, Earth weapons aren't going to be much use in this case. But, um, well, I've been seeing someone and, well, it's very new, but you know, it's very new, but you know, it's been very intense. What are we talking about? She's fucking Slabs McDirps. What? Oh you heard me. Is that the spiky guy? Yup. You're fucking slabs mrps? How? Carefully, I would have asked. I'd like to frame it in another way. He's really quite charming. That's true, actually. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Um, spikes? Uh, guys. out of things to make fun of Celeste for. But can someone read me in here? Slabs McDirps and his beautiful boys. They're a very effective army of mercenaries who are currently encamped outside of Raxius. Ah, and Celeste is dating him? Thank you, Frank. Yes, we're dating. Holy shit, Celeste. I'm a little out of my comfort zone. Because of the poisonous spikes. But it's been good for me. No, no, the spikes are poisonous. got a lizard girlfriend. Oh no please don't say that. Okay okay so I'm at a loss for words. Long story short he's offered to help. So we're hiring mercenaries? He said he'd do it for free. He'll do it for free but he's going to tax that ass am I right everybody? June. All right everyone let's focus obviously we'll need to work out the specifics with slabs michturps. Let's keep moving. Steve what else. You all of said that Raxius needed to be a united front before all this shit goes down. We've got the city pretty much behind us, but well there is one holdout. The guy who controls the scrapyards and the chop shops on the north end of the city, he isn't playing ball. So we think he needs a bit of a personal touch. And that's where I come in. Oh God, you're going to send June to talk to this guy? Hey! They call him, sir, party animal. Oh, finally, June. Your time to shine. I'll head into town. I'll meet with this guy. He's gonna love me. Well, it sounding like some people might get hurt during all of this, so I'm going to head over to my place and make sure it's a healing environment. And I will keep things organized out there and try to get, you know, as many people indoors as I can. And I guess I'll open up the bar. Okay. Looks like everybody else. What am I doing? Well, you're with me, Frank. What are we doing? Oh, buddy, it's gonna be fun. Well, that's everything on our end, Eldon. What's the rest of the plan? Life. Okay, okay, I'm sorry, everyone. Oh, guys what, what happened to our line? We had such a good line going. Come on, yaw? If you want a roof over your head, you gotta stand in line for it. Where is she? Right over there. Um, anyone else, surprised that Celests sexual prowess is what's keeping the town saying? June, for the last time, it's a deeply emotional relationship. I know, but that's not as funny. Giga. Um, hi. I'm sure this is disorienting. He really is. I promise. I'm not him. Look at my arm. Does he have an arm like this? No, no, I guess he doesn't. I appreciate you trying to warn the town about him. Well, it's just, it's a nice town. It is. It really is. Dydra was telling me you're a network specialist. Yeah. Okay. I need your help with something. With what? He and his brothers are working on something in the parking lot. We need a full array package, but it needs to be about... Yay big. We've only got so much room. Can you do that? Yeah, I think so. What's it for? Talking to people. Sure, but... Bob will explain everything. I don't think either of us wants a truskin setting up an array package. No, that'd be bad. Everything will make sense soon. Okay. Um, I like this version of you better. Me too, Geekah. Lafe. Yeah. Slabs McDurps and his beautiful boys are on the way. It might be a good idea to make yourself scarce. Everybody's seen my face. Darkleaf seems to have done a very good job in keeping his face out of the public eye so it hasn't been an issue thus far. However, someone as high profile as slabs may know your face. I guess you're right. Hey, Eldon? Yes. There are a bunch of people in my shop. Yes, once again, Trinket, if you had a phone, if you had a phone, if you had a phone, if you had a phone, if you had a phone, if you had a phone, if you had a phone, if you had a phone, I could were just in the meeting. I wasn't running the meeting. Who are they? That is Lady Lazarus and her assistance. She's a surgeon who has volunteered her services for whatever lies ahead today. I thought that was my job. Trinket, you're an essential part of the town, but that doesn't make you into a doctor. Let's let that be the purview of the professionals and reallocate your talents elsewhere. Just because I don't practice traditional medicine... does... Now Poultice, you need an actual surgeon. Isn't Lady Lazarus a cosmetic surgeon? She's still a surgeon. Well, what am I supposed to do then? You should hang with us. I've got to stay out of the fray in case anyone recognizes me. Also, Trinket, your extra century perception of the mountain could be very helpful from a tactical standpoint. Unless you've learned some new spells, do you know magic missile? No, leave. Look. I'd appreciate it if you stuck with us. It's going to be a weird day for me. Yeah. Yeah, I can see it on you. Okay. What are we doing first? Shop and go? Okay. Okay. After that, let's head higher up the mountain, get a bird's eye view. What's going on, Lafe? You ever done the wrong thing to do the right thing? Tell me more. It's only fair if you get to be a human and an alien. I should get to as well. After all, I'm sure I'll have to save you from the evil clutches of a madman again someday. God, you are such a damsel in distress. I know, I'm swooning. I was tied to the railroad tracks, Dietra. Maybe we can trade off. I'll be the one who gets saved from the bad guy next time. Oh, that sounds fun. What are you gonna wear? whatever you want. I love you so fucking much. I love you too. So, um, this plan sounds pretty extreme. Are we sure this is a good idea? I honestly don't know. Um, this plan sounds pretty extreme. Are we sure this is a good idea? I honestly don't know. I, um, I don't know. I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, I know. I mean, I know that we need to do something and this is the only plan that might work. Uh, hey, Virge, your friend, the mercenary is here. You want to come say hello? Oh, shit. Come on, you have to meet this guy. Okay. Anything to gaze once again into your eyes, my dearest. Oh, stop it. This must be the Frank. Nope, just Frank. I have heard tales of you, Frank. Is it true you cannot be broken? Only my heart, Slabs. Ah, I am the same. You wouldn't think it to look at me, but Slabs McDermott has a rich emotional life. Hmm, you don't say. We watched the fault in our stars together, I was ruined. Okay. I love Ansel-Elgo. Okay, yeah. That's great. So, uh, slabs, you're telling me you and your boys are going to patrol the streets for free, I because I'm told you're a mercenary. We are soldiers for hire Frank and we are the greatest in the realm, but we have one price that we hold sacred above all. We do this one for love, my beautiful boys. You see, we are nothing if not romantics. Okay. But in addition to being romantics, we are also terrifying murderers, so worry not. Holy shit, Celeste. I can't help it. He's boyfriend material. Virge, I see you have unveiled your paramour to me. Slabs, this is Dydra. Hi. Dydra, you are a vision. Thanks. Celeste and I are very keen to have a double date with you. Oh my God. Oh, I'd love to slabsy. But, Frank and I have to go. Duty calls. A shame. Let us go inside then. I shall tell you tales of Virge's heroism. Oh, that sounds great. We will drink. My dear, what is that thing I cannot have? Red wine. I cannot have red wine, Frank. Okay. Because of the tannons. 100%. Yes, you want to stay away from those, slabs. Let's go, Frank. Before you depart, GEO. I thought it was best I returned this to you. What is that? Virge gave it to me long ago and said to