Ep 632 - R.I.P. Andy (feat. Tim Butterly)

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis

In Episode 632 of 'Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast,' the hosts dive into a mix of absurd humor, political satire, and candid banter, featuring comedian

Key takeaways

• The hosts use humor to critique societal norms around sex, health care, and politics through absurd hypotheticals.

Main topics

• Period sex humor and personal boundaries
• Hypothetical military service tied to access to porn and healthcare

Notable quotes

"I'll just wait. I'm 40. I know what it feels like."

"You're too old for that, man."

Conclusion

The episode concludes with a humorous and surreal blend of personal anecdotes,

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) The Speaker 5 (0:00) Wild Wild West. Speaker 6 (0:01) I'm trying to think of like a disgusting sex act guys have to endure, but we only have fun. Speaker 4 (0:06) Period sex. Speaker 6 (0:07) Period sex. I spoke to an older guy who was like kind of hyping himself on period sex, and it was kind of like, bro, that's a young man's game. Well, he was like, I get down with that. I don't give a fuck. It's like, dude, you're too old for that, man. Speaker 5 (0:20) Does anyone still even hold that down anymore? There Speaker 6 (0:22) was a guy. I did a show. I Speaker 5 (0:23) mean, like normal. Speaker 6 (0:25) I found one guy who was like trying to hype it up. It's like, I think it was the same age as me. And it was like, bro, slow down. Also, who cares? I don't Speaker 5 (0:32) think I've met a guy that's like, I won't do it if she's on her period. Speaker 6 (0:35) I, it's like, I'll, I just, I used to be, when I was younger, I was like, I don't give a fuck. Now I'm kind of like, I'll just wait. I'm 40. I know what it feels like. Speaker 5 (0:43) I Speaker 6 (0:43) can wait a couple days. Period. You say you'll wait? It's on the table. I'll wait dude. I'm at the point now where it's like, I'll give it a couple days man. Just lay it down. You say, I Speaker 5 (0:55) will wait. Yeah, Speaker 6 (0:59) I would wait. God forbid you see a clump. Speaker 5 (1:02) Keep the lights off. Get away from the clumps. Speaker 6 (1:05) The clumps. Eddie Murphy. I caught one of them boogers and I think I was like, I'm good on this. Got one of them boogers. Yeah, you catch Speaker 5 (1:12) some of those. You gotta just not look. The worst is, yeah, you just finished, you go to the bathroom, you go, ooh. Speaker 6 (1:19) You got to go wash your Speaker 3 (1:20) sword. Eyes closed all the way to the shower. Speaker 6 (1:23) I wipe my sword in the grass. I got to inspect. Got to wipe my blade in the grass, clean it off. My dagger. My tiny dagger. My boot dagger. Dude, keeping a boot dagger is, that'd be sick. Next time I go to a wedding, I think I want to equip a boot dagger. You're Speaker 3 (1:45) gonna be a boot guy first. That's gonna be crazy. That's gonna be the weirder part What Speaker 5 (1:49) about Speaker 3 (1:57) belt buckle gun of you cool belt Speaker 6 (1:59) like it you're talking about a teeny tiny down it goes boom I'd be kind of nice At the Speaker 5 (2:04) bookstore he was a he was a raging lib and he was open carry what Speaker 6 (2:08) yeah Speaker 5 (2:09) him and his wife were clearly raging libs Restill with the open carry Speaker 6 (2:14) That's interesting. Yeah, what were the telltale signs? Speaker 5 (2:16) He was trans. They were at a bookstore. The wife was giving big time Libby. Speaker 6 (2:24) Yeah, that makes sense. Speaker 5 (2:26) She was slaying. Speaker 6 (2:27) So he was strapped up. Speaker 5 (2:28) Yeah, he was, yeah. Speaker 6 (2:30) Dude, Speaker 5 (2:31) if the libs Speaker 6 (2:31) go strapped, Speaker 5 (2:32) that would be so funny. Lips are strapped up. Speaker 6 (2:34) Back off, I have a firearm. Taking a six-week course. If they get strapped, that's kind of tight. Speaker 5 (2:41) They've been yapping about getting strapped for a while. Speaker 6 (2:44) I think we're talking about a different type, different guy. No. Speaker 5 (2:48) Well. Speaker 6 (2:49) Get strapped attacked. Speaker 5 (2:51) Well, the same exact crew. True it was strap attack crew really also getting guns. Yeah, Speaker 6 (2:57) sure. I mean we got some we can't just come out the gate Speaker 5 (2:59) I'm gonna live now Speaker 6 (3:02) anyway, dude. I sat down with hunter. I'm completely lived out. Yeah, Speaker 5 (3:05) I said we should buy Speaker 6 (3:06) didn't ever traded a single stock in office I Speaker 5 (3:08) said we should have free health care. I'm gonna live now, too Fucking hate pockets You get drunk you go. Why don't we have free health care people? I fuck you you fucking bitch pussy shit. All right, my bad Speaker 6 (3:19) Yeah. Speaker 5 (3:20) I don't know anything. That is, well, that is a funny one to be like, fuck that. It's like, okay, sounds nice. Yeah, the people holding it down for the insurance companies. Yeah. Speaker 6 (3:31) Although my theory is our military, we need to have kind of like a dragon's den situation because if everyone had free healthcare, free college, you're not going to be able to get some young boy into the fucking military. He's going to go, bro, I'm chilling. Yeah, Soviets Speaker 5 (3:44) did Speaker 6 (3:45) pretty good with it. Oh, yeah, true. They got several Speaker 5 (3:47) million. China has been doing all right. Yeah, true. The rest of the country has it. Aren't Speaker 6 (3:52) they forced, though? They're forced. Okay, that should be the thing. We have free health care for anyone who will volunteer. Fuck, that's just the military. Damn it. Speaker 3 (4:00) Why Speaker 6 (4:01) is this so hard? Speaker 3 (4:03) I think after they fully block off porn sites, I think they can go, we'll let you in. You just have to do 18 months and one deployment. You're saying you get Speaker 5 (4:12) born healthy? Speaker 3 (4:13) Do I have a Speaker 5 (4:13) back? You gotta- You get pulled on back and you join the military. That's gonna be tough. You gotta do that fucking obstacle course. Speaker 5 (4:20) I agree. I mean, that would be actually Speaker 3 (4:22) better than fucking going to XNXX. Yeah, true. Speaker 5 (4:28) That's an obstacle course. I Speaker 3 (4:29) already sold this. I already sold this stuff. Speaker 4 (4:32) I've Speaker 6 (4:32) been on this site for Speaker 5 (4:33) six Speaker 6 (4:33) months. I've seen this one before. Dude, I witnessed some obstacle course action this weekend. I went to this place. It was like a ranch, only an hour and a half away, and they had an obstacle course on the water. And I think we could use some maybe obstacle course for the military. Speaker 3 (4:50) I was watching some Speaker 6 (4:50) dads struggle on the obstacle course. I said, we might need to fucking, if you want to get Pornhub, save your ID, hit this inflatable obstacle course. Yeah, I wouldn't even. Speaker 5 (4:58) It was hard. The thought of struggling on the obstacle course in front of families is like, I'll never go out there. If there's a slight chance that I'll struggle on that, I'm not going. Speaker 6 (5:07) Dude, it was so hard. I Speaker 5 (5:09) went up on Bert's tour. I bit it. I was climbing up the slide. I fell, dude. I fell so hard. My foot Speaker 3 (5:18) got stuck on the wall. I hit my head. Imagine how cool it would be to hit the top of the fucking rope net. You're standing on top of the deck and then they hand you a laptop. That's probably so nice, dude. Laptop from hell. Speaker 6 (5:33) That'd be a good auction item. Laptop from hell? I should ask him if he ever got his dang laptop back. True. Speaker 6 (5:43) I would imagine at a certain point they're like, you're too busy hitting them with softballs. True. I'm telling you, bro, the Biden gaze. That was Home Run Derby, dude. They got to hire you for Home Run Derby. You could pitch those things all day. The Biden gaze is undeniable. They're like vampires. He glamored me the whole time. He hit me with the Delaware glamour. Also, I couldn't do politics. Right away, he's like, dude, we went to the high school he went to was rivals with the high school I went to. Right away, he's like, that's so cool. We're on the same high school. I was like, we're basically brothers, dude. I could never be a political hardballer. That's Speaker 5 (6:17) how Speaker 6 (6:17) it works. Speaker 5 (6:18) There's a reason these guys are in politics. They're actually good at that. Speaker 6 (6:21) Instantly disarmed me. I fucking Speaker 5 (6:22) hugged Governor Abbott. In my defense, I was blacked out. It was at the Red River robbery, Texas, Oklahoma. And I was trying to listen to what he was saying. Also, Speaker 6 (6:32) what do you not? I leaned Speaker 5 (6:33) down and I was like, you should give people weed. I don't even smoke weed. I was just a fucking shit face. True, I didn't give him softballs. I gave him the hard-hitting truth. That's where we differ. I ran into Governor Abbott at Texas vs. Oklahoma in the fourth quarter. I was blacked out. What's your deal Speaker 2 (6:50) with weed and porn, man? Speaker 5 (6:52) I'm just messing around. It's an honor to meet you, sir. Speaker 6 (6:56) I think he actually stopped the first thing that was going to take the farm bill weed away. So he actually, I think, if I could be wrong. But I think he's, dude, he's got to be blessing Ja a little bit. Speaker 5 (7:09) He's Speaker 6 (7:09) in the wheelchair. Yeah, I think he's got to be blessing Ja. There's no bigger Rasta man vibe, dude. It's me, Greg Abbott, the big man. Speaker 5 (7:22) In this dang wheelchair. Me going to Speaker 6 (7:27) do Speaker 5 (7:27) a Speaker 6 (7:27) 360, man. You think he rips Speaker 5 (7:29) 360s? Yeah, for sure. Speaker 6 (7:31) He definitely blazes out of a pretty choice bowl. It's definitely a choice. Dude, he banned Delta 8. He hates Delta 8. He's the biggest stoner in Texas. You think there's Speaker 5 (7:40) nugs? You think there's cherries? He's caught with alien posters on his laptop. That's the laptop from hell, dude. It's the laptop from Spencer's. You think he has secret blacklight posters in his office? Somebody's gonna come in he's gonna be like no Speaker 6 (8:01) don't hit that switch. Oh As soon as he turns the lights out in the governor's office. He's like me tired of all this foolish business Pass me me song man It's a Z shaped bong. It's short. It's hard as hell Do Speaker 3 (8:16) you think he has access to the hope you Speaker 6 (8:19) think he has do Speaker 3 (8:20) you think yeah? He has a red laptop in his office only a direct connection to Pornhub HQ Speaker 6 (8:26) He's able to click, I am under 18. It sends him straight through. He's like, that's what power is. I Speaker 5 (8:32) was talking to Gerby's about it. Obviously, he submits the photo ID. Bro, I met one other person. That's crazy. Of course. He's like, well, I don't even care about it. I just... Speaker 3 (8:40) Rainey said he left to take the picture of his... You know, it does like the bio scan of your face. Never. Speaker 6 (8:46) There's no way. No, you can't. There's no way. You can't, dude. With that lonely... Now. Speaker 5 (8:50) The lonely gaze in your eyes. Dude, it's embarrassing to do it when you get a new iPhone and it's like scanning it when you go to the left. Speaker 6 (8:57) You imagine doing that Speaker 5 (8:59) for Pornhub? Speaker 6 (8:59) Yeah. Also, they got you. Speaker 5 (9:02) They got you anyway. They got you no matter Speaker 6 (9:04) what. Speaker 5 (9:04) You think they Speaker 6 (9:04) got you no matter what? For sure. I wonder if the government for real has a file where they're like, who? Pull it up. And like, oh, yeah, dude. Speaker 5 (9:12) It's you in a hotel Speaker 3 (9:13) room just like... Speaker 5 (9:15) Yeah, they used to have to build an island and bring kids. Now they just got you in your hotel room. Speaker 6 (9:22) Yeah. Speaker 6 (9:24) Oh, yeah. That, I mean, is also, you got to give the guy a hug. If you see abs, you got to be like, what's up, bro? I Speaker 5 (9:34) did Speaker 6 (9:34) hug him. Yeah, that's crazy. But Speaker 5 (9:35) I think I was for real leaning down to hear him. It was loud. It was at the Cotton Bowl, man. So you leaned down to Speaker 3 (9:42) hear and he reached up. I think I might have hugged him. He wanted you to pick him up. We had been Speaker 5 (9:45) drinking since we left. And that was a great trip. LaMera didn't make the sprinter. He was about. 10 minutes late and just followed us in his car. Wait, was it? Oh, he Ubered Speaker 2 (9:57) to Speaker 5 (9:58) Dallas. Speaker 6 (10:00) Damn, you took the emperor ride right behind the sprinter. Right Speaker 5 (10:03) behind the sprinter. That was our security detail. You're the decoy. Speaker 2 (10:10) Yeah, I fucking slept too late. You Speaker 5 (10:12) slept? Yeah. Did you sleep in the Uber? I know you slept in that Uber. I Speaker 2 (10:15) slept and I missed the Sprinter, yeah. And you slept Speaker 5 (10:18) in the Uber. Speaker 6 (10:19) Yeah. Speaker 2 (10:19) And if you slept in the Uber, Speaker 6 (10:20) that means you farted in the Uber. Lemaire only farts when he sleeps, allegedly. Speaker 5 (10:24) This is one of the biggest fucking horse feeds ever. It's Speaker 6 (10:26) crazy, dude. I don't believe it. It's the truth. I don't think it's physically possible for you not to fart all day. Speaker 2 (10:33) I don't know. I had a pretty gassy day the other day. But I had a milkshake, though, so that usually sets it off. I mean this Speaker 5 (10:39) as a friend. If they made a pharmaceutical commercial for not farting, you'd be the spokesman. They would film you walking around in the park, like, throwing Frisbee, being like, now that I don't fart all the time. Speaker 4 (10:55) I Speaker 6 (10:55) had a night last night, dude. I was farting. Oh my God. It was so, I had a, I was whenever I try to get up and at least be a gentleman and go fart. Like I fart in our closet. I'll walk up and just rip in the closet. Come back out. Fart in Speaker 5 (11:05) the closet. Dude, what is going? That's the craziest shit I've ever heard. Speaker 6 (11:09) Dude, cause they're so bad. You walk Speaker 5 (11:11) into your, your clothes. I just fart on my clothes. Speaker 6 (11:15) I just go and fart on my clothes. All my, like my suits for weddings. I just fart on them. How big is the closet? It's like walking. It's like the size of this couch. It's just narrow. It's like the size of that couch, a little wider. They must Speaker 5 (11:26) rip in there, though. They must echo. Oh, bro. Speaker 6 (11:28) I don't Speaker 5 (11:29) even Speaker 6 (11:29) know. Because I'm like trying to, you know, look out. Because they're like room crushers. I'll have like nine room crushers. So I'm like, I can't do nine room crushers to the babe. So I'll hit it in the closet, chill, make sure it doesn't trail me, fart on my suits, and then I'll come back out. Speaker 5 (11:43) Whenever you go back in the closet, you go, oh. Oh, dude. Are there some crossers lingering? Speaker 6 (11:47) Every now and again. I go back to admire my work. And then every time, finally I lay down, I'm like, I'm not getting up again. And then I start the leak game where I'll start leaking under the blanket. And then I'll be like, I think I'm safe. I think I'm safe. You leak under Speaker 5 (12:01) the blanket. You give it a little on your side. Speaker 6 (12:03) I'll try to fan out a little. Release the dragon. I'll take a sip. I'll go. Boy, that's Speaker 5 (12:08) a Speaker 6 (12:08) fucking... That's a little bit of Gouda under there. Speaker 5 (12:12) I Speaker 6 (12:12) enter the cheese cellar. I go, oh, my God. Speaker 3 (12:14) It's Speaker 5 (12:14) a Speaker 3 (12:14) strong pour. God damn. Does Speaker 6 (12:16) she Speaker 3 (12:16) bitch about it? Speaker 6 (12:18) I'll wake her up out of a dead sleep every night. Then she'll get a little cantankerous. She'll wake up and go, oh, Speaker 5 (12:23) my God. Speaker 6 (12:23) And I go, Speaker 5 (12:24) sorry, babe. From the smell or the Speaker 6 (12:25) sound? The smell. Oh, that's... Because I'll be leaking them. She'll go to switch, and then the blanket will rise. I'm like, no. I'd be so mad. Speaker 5 (12:31) No. Oh, dude, yeah. She's right to be mad. If it's the sound, it's funny. The sound is hilarious. Waking up from the smell is fucking crazy. I've Speaker 6 (12:37) done it a couple times. Every time I Speaker 3 (12:39) walk into the room that my wife's in in the house, I fart instantly. Speaker 6 (12:43) Yeah. Speaker 3 (12:44) pisses her off more than anything else that I do. She goes, why would you do that? I think it's when I'm around you, I fart. Just relax me. I don't know. It's probably just because I've just gotten off the couch playing video games for like two and a half hours and my body's moving around for the first time, but I tell her, it's like, I see you and something happens inside my body. Speaker 6 (13:05) When I lay down, for real, if I lay down, I'm clear out as soon as I lay down. I'm like, instantly I have to fart. Something about me laying perpendicular, the bubble just goes straight out. Like a horse. Just like a level. Like a level. As soon as you move me, the bubble's like... Yeah, I was farting big time. And it's like, you think it's a favor, but there's something about it. It's like, I can imagine I'm a girl, and then the dude I'm married to Speaker 3 (13:31) walks Speaker 6 (13:31) away. You're like, I wonder where he's going. You hear... Speaker 5 (13:33) Also, is Speaker 6 (13:36) it Speaker 5 (13:36) middle of the Speaker 6 (13:36) night? It's like bedtime stuff. Speaker 5 (13:39) Okay. Speaker 6 (13:39) Once she's asleep, I'm playing the blanket game. I'm like, all right, we're going to leak these. A Speaker 5 (13:44) little paranormal Speaker 6 (13:44) activity. Speaker 5 (13:44) You're ripping the blankets. Speaker 6 (13:46) We're going to leak these out. Hey, Speaker 4 (13:49) everybody. Pardon the interruption. I'll be in Raleigh and Charleston next week, so please come if you can. Tickets are available at SeanGardini.com. I'll also be in Seattle and Portland in Optimum Noctis. Thank you. Thank you. Speaker 6 (14:03) Guys, September 11th, this is big. I'll be doing stand-up in Portland, Maine. September 12th, stand-up in Boston, Massachusetts. Then just going on down, Royal Oak, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Charlotte, North Carolina, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Orlando, Newark, Baltimore, Columbus, Cincinnati, San Diego, Sacramento. You're Speaker 5 (14:23) going crazy Speaker 6 (14:23) on them. Speaker 5 (14:24) I'm going crazy on them. I have nothing booked. That's awesome. Just ready for the freaking football season. Chomping at the bit. Speaker 3 (14:33) Shane, have you farted around any really important or famous people yet? Probably. Farted in Abbott's face. That's so fucking funny. Speaker 6 (14:42) A hug fart would Speaker 3 (14:45) be crazy. I don't know if I have ripped Speaker 5 (14:47) too many. Really? Yeah. I mean, I'm sure. Because there hasn't been an Speaker 3 (14:51) occasion or because you're like, this is probably not a great idea. Speaker 5 (14:53) There's never been a time where I was holding in a fart. I would never. Speaker 6 (14:57) You got what I'm talking about. Holding farts is crazy. It's very feminine. It is. Dude, I ripped. I went somewhere with a group of friends, farted so bad. I'm already at the 30 degree for Brittany. We're in a concession line. I'm like, chill, chill, chill, chill. Our friends walk up like, God damn, what stinks? And I was like, what the hell is going on here? I was looking at her like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. She'll blow up my spot on a plane. You'll go, oh my God. And as soon as she looks at me. Oh yeah. Speaker 3 (15:22) Funerals? Dude, if you fart at a funeral, my wife's like, oh my God, did you fart? That's worse. Also, if I Speaker 6 (15:29) do fart and someone I know looks at me, I instantly laugh. I can't, I can't hold it in. We're on a plane. I did one that was for real offensive. And I, she looked at me and I was like, stop, Speaker 4 (15:39) stop, stop. And Speaker 6 (15:40) I started laughing. She's like, that's disgusting. I'm like, yeah, it wasn't me. I know it was disgusting. Shut the fuck up. Speaker 3 (15:47) Yeah, I farted like a cow. As Speaker 6 (15:49) soon as she Speaker 3 (15:49) starts her shit, you gotta be like, sorry guys, my wife queefed really loud. It's so gross. Speaker 6 (15:53) Yeah, the move is going, oh my God. That smells like queef. That's not even Speaker 3 (15:58) farts from a guy. It's Speaker 5 (15:59) clearly pussy. It's a video of an Indian guy on a plane screaming. He's like, Speaker 2 (16:06) whoever's farting, you are. I ran Speaker 5 (16:11) into the Indian bus all last night. Who? Where? There was a guy right before me at the bathroom. He was in there, he came out as an Indian fella and boy. He lit it up. He did something special in there. My God. Speaker 3 (16:24) Bathroom lines and gang bangs. That's a tough spot. That's what they got. It work. The only time McKeever's ever even like frowned at me and all the time that we've known each other was we we we got to make commercials for G.E. Silicon caulk. Yeah. Like 11 years ago. And it filmed at this like production house in like upstate New York. And it was like. It had pictures of all the famous things. It was the Schmitz gay beer commercial from Saturday Night Live. That house. And we're walking around and we're like just gawking at all like the comedians and shit on the walls. And we're walking through one of the hallways upstairs and I let like a clapper go. And there's a full production team and there's corporate there and there's people with clipboards and I clapped one out and I start like and he turns around and goes, do not Speaker 1 (17:16) do Speaker 3 (17:16) that again. Speaker 5 (17:21) That's a good idea. Now they're calling it a clapper. I'm going to start being like, all right, scene four, act seven. Speaker 6 (17:34) That's another thing I get attacked for is I'll, you know, I give a little panache to my, I'll like lean a little bit or lift the legs. Like, why do you have to lift your leg? Put some fucking tone on Speaker 2 (17:45) it. Speaker 6 (17:45) Why Speaker 2 (17:45) do Speaker 6 (17:45) ponies trot? Speaker 3 (17:48) Plunger on the end of the trumpet or whatever, you know, a little vibrato. It's insane. I'm Speaker 5 (17:53) not Speaker 6 (17:53) going to nutcracker a fart in sports. Stand perfectly. That's also