Ep 639 - The E.C.B.S. (feat. SWIM)

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Matt McCusker welcomes guest SWIM to discuss his recent cross-country move from Philadelphia to Austin with his family. The conversation qui

Key takeaways

• SWIM relocated his family to Austin to escape "ECBS" (East Coast Bubble Syndrome) and pursue an "apex slacker" lifestyle with a strict $4k/month budget.
• The hosts debate the psychology behind "no dog heads" and "no kids heads," concluding that identifying by absence often masks unfulfilled desires.

Main topics

• Moving to Austin
• Parenting & lifestyle choices

Notable quotes

"If you say you're not gay, you're lying. If you say you don't want kids, you're lying."

Conclusion

The episode offers a humorous, unfiltered look at suburban fatigue, pa

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:00) Wow, wow, wow, Wes. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome. Two in one week. Oh, Jesus Christ, I almost fell. Scratch that from the record. Speaker 4 (0:10) Two in one week. What up, bro? Not much, dude. Just landed. You what? Just landed. Dude, I know. Two days ago. Crazy journey. It was a wild. What was that? Two day? Two 14-hour days. Yeesh. With a squad. Speaker 3 (0:22) That was the whack pack for sure. It was the Speaker 4 (0:24) ultimate whack pack. Speaker 3 (0:25) Dude. Yeah. Ultimate Speaker 4 (0:27) special interest whack pack. Speaker 3 (0:31) Yeah, my parents helped move him down. They did two cars. Speaker 4 (0:35) No, he did one. Chevy Sonic. One Speaker 3 (0:37) Chevy Sonic. Loaded Speaker 4 (0:38) with snakes, reptiles, and San Pedro cactus. Just shricked. And a tarantula. And a Speaker 3 (0:45) tarantula. And an arachnid. Speaker 4 (0:46) Arachnid. So that was a corn snake, a python, a tarantula, a bearded dragon, and a leopard gecko. Speaker 3 (0:53) I Speaker 4 (0:53) heard that leopard gecko gets ornery if he doesn't eat. They all do. Really? We had him up on the dash cruising just to get some sunlight. And then we had to the gills with Pedro's. I sold the Pedro's. Yeah, stacked. That's why I moved here. Speaker 3 (1:06) True, to grow the Pedro's. Speaker 4 (1:07) Just Speaker 3 (1:07) to grow Pedro's. Speaker 4 (1:08) And Mac moved just to give better temperatures to his... Capers, reptiles. I Speaker 3 (1:12) sold a lizard on a leash outside. I said, that's nice. Yeah, they're chilling. The bearded dragons, by the way. No, we'll get to the spotted gecko. I didn't know that thing breaks your skin. It's only a baby. It'll bite. They don't really bite. They're chilling now. Speaker 4 (1:25) I got the full Speaker 3 (1:25) download. The python will bite. The bearded gecko or the, yeah, bearded geckos might be like there. I would put them on a list. Bearded Speaker 4 (1:33) dragon. Speaker 3 (1:33) Bearded dragon, my bad. Leopard Speaker 4 (1:34) gecko. Speaker 3 (1:34) Leopard gecko. Bearded dragon, I would put that on a list Speaker 4 (1:37) of recommended pets. Top tier pet, dude. It's one of those things I can't live without now. Yeah. When you get a dog and you're like, now I'm Speaker 3 (1:43) a Speaker 4 (1:43) dog man. Speaker 3 (1:44) I'm a bearded dragon guy. Speaker 4 (1:45) Did you know that there's like a subculture of no dog? Speaker 3 (1:49) Bro. Speaker 4 (1:49) Like there's like people that go on Reddit are no dog that like identify as I don't have a dog. I know. Speaker 3 (1:56) Well, I get it when I find it like a hardcore no dog head and they're like 60 or 70. I'm like, all right, you're grandfathered in their heart. Like young, no dog guys. Speaker 4 (2:04) Kind of. It's one thing. It's just like, I just don't have one. I just don't get it. It's like you're identifying as not having a dog. Yeah. It's such a wild mental thing to put on yourself. It's like, why would you live and be like. I'm a person that doesn't have it. You just don't have a dog. That's not an identity. Yeah, Speaker 3 (2:20) that's really weird. Speaker 4 (2:21) There's no kids heads, too. I think that's what started it. Speaker 3 (2:25) Yeah, okay. No kids heads, I understand. No kids heads. And again, I would never hate on a no kids head. Because you hear them and the impulse is to be like, dude, I don't know. It might be kind of sad. But I'm like, Speaker 4 (2:37) it's probably chill. You do your own thing. There's people who chose not to have kids and I respect them. But if you're a no Speaker 3 (2:43) kids Speaker 4 (2:43) head, you're just... Speaker 3 (2:44) you Speaker 4 (2:44) want a kid and you didn't have one. Otherwise, you wouldn't identify as a no kid. Like, you don't want kids, you just don't have kids. Yeah, you don't have them. Speaker 3 (2:51) It's that Speaker 4 (2:51) simple. Never think about it. It's like, I don't eat. Goat meat. Yeah, I never think about the shit. Yeah, I don't identify as a non goat meat eater Speaker 3 (2:59) You don't watch people so and eat goat meat you like thank God I didn't go Speaker 4 (3:02) like couples that don't have kids that are like they want is like you guys want kids Otherwise Speaker 3 (3:07) you Speaker 4 (3:07) wouldn't be honoring the negative so heavily. That's true. It's Speaker 3 (3:11) like saying you're not gay all the time. Speaker 4 (3:12) Yeah. Yeah, you're Speaker 3 (3:14) probably Which is for every guy Now that's every guy every Speaker 4 (3:20) guy. There's dudes that are like staunchly. I'm not gay. Yeah, I know what you Speaker 3 (3:23) mean. Chill. Yeah Speaker 4 (3:25) Like, I'm not gay, and I never think about the fact that Speaker 3 (3:27) I'm not gay. I think we can all agree that every guy is gay, and every guy wants kids. Speaker 4 (3:32) Pretty much. That's fair. Speaker 3 (3:33) If you say you're not gay, you're lying. If you say you don't want kids, you're lying. What'd you get? Speaker 4 (3:37) You pulled it up? I pulled up dog-free humor. The very first thing that comes up is DeRosa complaining Speaker 1 (3:43) about not wanting dogs. It's just, he's on Reddit. It's just... What did he say? I didn't play the whole thing, but it looks like he's just being... Oh, it's DeRosa. Yeah, it's just DeRosa, like, top. Speaker 3 (3:53) Top newest thing. Being Speaker 4 (3:55) like, Speaker 3 (3:55) fuck dogs. It's a comic we know. And it's Speaker 4 (3:57) being Speaker 3 (3:57) like, fuck dogs. I've seen his work. I've seen Speaker 4 (3:59) so much work. Speaker 3 (3:59) I've seen one video Speaker 4 (4:01) of him. Yeah, he Speaker 3 (4:02) would hit, I think, both categories. No dogs, no kids. Which at one point, it's like, that's fair. But it's like, yeah, what's the overarching, what's Speaker 4 (4:10) the quest? I just don't get anyone that identifies with what they're not doing. Like, dude, you're only here for a blip of time. So why would you spend any of your time thinking about what you're not doing? True. And Speaker 3 (4:20) here's the thing. It's Speaker 4 (4:21) a Speaker 3 (4:21) very strange mental landscape. I'd have more respect for them if they were to, like, find people with dogs and, like, bully their dogs. It's the way you, like, bully a pedophile. If you were, like... Yeah, just be like, why the fuck did you bring your dog to my house, you fucking weirdo? And start beating them up. Speaker 4 (4:34) I can see that. Yeah, if you objectively hated dogs. Huh? Speaker 2 (4:42) this guy's here to meet a three-year-old Cocker Spade. Speaker 4 (4:46) What if you set up dog adoptions and shame them? Yeah, right. As if I would take this piece of shit dog home. Speaker 3 (4:53) Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen the celebration, but I get it. If you don't have kids, you see people with their kids doing stuff. There's no way you neutrally observe that without being like, damn, I want a kid. Or if you can't do that, you got to be like, that sucks. Speaker 4 (5:11) I got hit with baby fever at like 24. Yeah. And I just went reckless. Like it was just like anyone that was nice to me, I would Speaker 3 (5:20) be like, hey, let's make love without restriction. You're like a kindergartner. I was dead set. Speaker 4 (5:24) That's how Speaker 3 (5:24) kindergartners hold it down. They're like, we're going to have a baby. I Speaker 4 (5:27) was playing house. Like if we dated for two weeks, we were playing house. And then I was like, it's what you have to do. It was ingrained in me. It was like, you're over 23 because I was conceived at 23. So I was like. You're 23. It's time to have a kid. Speaker 3 (5:41) And I Speaker 4 (5:41) thought not having a kid was like the scariest concept. Yeah. Speaker 3 (5:44) Now when I talk Speaker 4 (5:45) to couples that like are like trying to have kids, I kind of want to pull them aside and be like, it's a beautiful thing, but it's not all it's cracked up to be like, if you'd give me a magic eight ball, I might've been like, let's, let's look at all angles. Yeah. Speaker 3 (6:00) Or Speaker 4 (6:01) yeah. Speaker 3 (6:01) I have the opposite. Foster Speaker 4 (6:03) or father, but like I've Speaker 3 (6:04) run the option Speaker 4 (6:04) play. I'm at the point now my kids are six and eight. I'm more afraid of getting my wife pregnant now than I was of getting a girl pregnant in high school. For sure. No, it would legitimately ruin my life. Speaker 3 (6:16) I was terrified. Dude, Speaker 4 (6:18) I'm so much more scared now. Yeah, Speaker 3 (6:20) true. Because Speaker 4 (6:20) my kids are six and eight, so I'm out. Yeah. And now we're like sliding into a world of like. dad's a weirdo leave him alone like you don't need anything like if Speaker 3 (6:30) i went back to like Speaker 4 (6:33) waking up and changing diapers, I might, it would ruin Speaker 3 (6:36) my life. Yeah. Well, Hey, Speaker 4 (6:38) I've moved. You Speaker 3 (6:39) know, we Speaker 4 (6:40) all have the foresight. I could see it happening, but, but the only caveat, the only thing holding me back is in the heat of the moment. If my bride was like, let's have another kid. That's what I'm saying. I would have 10 more. Exactly. But like, I, it's Speaker 3 (6:56) a, Speaker 4 (6:57) it's a, it's hard to fight. You're afraid of confronting that of like, do it. I still could fall into it. For sure. Speaker 3 (7:03) But Speaker 4 (7:03) I'm saying if I'm in my like waking sober non like non-erect life. Yeah. I'm terrified of having another kid. Yeah. And I love my kids to pieces. Speaker 3 (7:14) Yeah. But having another like if she Speaker 4 (7:17) was like I'm pregnant I would have like a senior year freak out. I'd have to go join the union. I'd have to like I'd Speaker 3 (7:26) have to like. No, it's a, well, yeah, I, I definitely, again, I, I try to do that too. Cause when I keep, when I catch people, if I at least think I catch people being like, oh man, I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm like, bro, you're all right. You're good. Yeah. You're cool, dude. If you made it this far, Speaker 4 (7:42) just Speaker 3 (7:42) rock out, hit the cruises, start swinging. Cause I, you're Speaker 4 (7:45) a Speaker 3 (7:45) lot more sexually free. If you don't have kids, you pretty much should be in an open relationship. That's the one thing though. You don't have kids. You should be a swinger. Speaker 4 (7:52) Oh, Speaker 3 (7:53) yeah. Yeah, like that's, we can just settle that right now. Like, dude, Speaker 4 (7:55) if I had a bride and we didn't have kids, we would have the wildest life. Yeah. It would just be like, what'd you do tonight? Oh, yeah. It would be good times all around. His and her bad dragons. Speaker 4 (8:09) That's the other thing though like I have an alien shit It would be a world of kink you couldn't even come it'd be it would it would break the heterosexual mindset into Who's Speaker 3 (8:22) that guy Marquis de Sade Marquis de Sade I don't Speaker 4 (8:26) identify you don't fuck a Speaker 3 (8:27) Marquis de Sade he's the Speaker 4 (8:28) farthest you can take Speaker 4 (8:32) I'm not with that because he incorporates violence into his lovemaking. Does Speaker 3 (8:35) he Speaker 4 (8:35) really? That's where the term sadist comes from. Mark Hadesod. Mark Hadesod, Speaker 3 (8:38) yeah. I looked into him a little bit there. That's Speaker 4 (8:40) an element I can't get. What year was he Speaker 3 (8:42) around? Do you remember? I have no idea. Speaker 4 (8:43) If it's pre-1980, I have no fucking clue. Yeah, true. I can identify shit up to like 1959. Like Elvis coming out is as far back as I can nail a date down. Speaker 3 (8:52) Well, it's also funny because he was like an old lord, basically. He was like a... a medieval lord, I think. Speaker 4 (8:57) He was, like, in a very repressive time, so when he, like, found his sexual liberation, he kind of threw the baby out with the basketball. Speaker 3 (9:03) Yeah, the Speaker 4 (9:03) pendulum swung too far. Yeah, it swung too far back, and we've kind of come back to it, as it does. True. True. What Speaker 3 (9:10) does it say about the Marquis de Sade? Speaker 2 (9:12) He was a freak bull. He was born in 1740, died in 1814. He was Speaker 3 (9:17) an enlightenment. Speaker 2 (9:18) He was an enlightenment kink. Speaker 4 (9:20) But don't quote me on this, but I think he went to jail just for having such naughty thoughts and writing such bad stuff. Speaker 2 (9:26) Really? I think he wrote a book and they put him in jail. They're like, bro, jail. Sex crimes, blasphemy, and pornography. Speaker 3 (9:32) Yeah, well, he came out. I think his whole thing was like. It's just it's on like whatever you see you can take down and that's kind of the way it goes Yeah, Speaker 4 (9:41) it was kind of like thumb wrestling. Yeah, it was His Speaker 3 (9:44) whole view is that like if you see someone you should take them down and if you Speaker 4 (9:48) can do it you can do it You know, I mean, there's no rules up. The only rules he filed were like natural physical rules That was that was hot then Speaker 3 (9:56) those guys that was the that was the dawn of the Enlightenment and those guys were like if you showed any religious sentiment like sentiment or sentimentality or whatever they would just be like The work? It was like for peasants. Religion back then was for peasants. If you were like an OG aristocrat back then, they were all in contests to be like one up each other. Like, I don't give a fuck about anything. I don't believe any of that shit. Speaker 4 (10:17) They were like eighth grade Catholic school boys that got into Satanism by like, instead of drawing pentagrams, he was like chaining women up in his house. So he was doing it. My dad's full of shit. He says you're not allowed to do this. And he was just going buck. So he lived it. Speaker 3 (10:30) He wasn't just Speaker 4 (10:30) theorizing. He was writing it. Like, this is what I did today, so maybe he was just a sick writer. So he was 50 shades in. He might have been IRL-ing, though. So no one knows if Marquis de Speaker 3 (10:41) Salle was pushing lines? It was pre-ring camps Speaker 4 (10:42) and stuff, so he might have been just snatching from the house. I don't know. I don't want to speak on a dead man. True, true. Chances are he was writing the truth. It was a journal. Speaker 3 (10:52) It's also crazy, because if you're a lord of the land, and you had, like, a fiefdom, peasants who come up to him, he probably would blow their minds, being like, dude, what are you talking about? I could fuck you right now. Whoa, whoa. Your Excellency, please, please don't fuck me, Your Excellency. He went wild, dude. I'm Speaker 1 (11:08) going Speaker 3 (11:08) to fuck you in the mud right now. I'm not saying I would do that. Speaker 4 (11:12) If I didn't have kids, I'm not saying I would do that. Speaker 3 (11:15) But I would Speaker 4 (11:16) break out of like the heterosexual rule book. Speaker 3 (11:19) Yeah, for sure. I had a friend. I mean, that's Speaker 4 (11:20) the Speaker 3 (11:20) whole point of Kevin kids is that's the heterosexual rule book is for people with kids. I never thought. Speaker 4 (11:25) You don't have kids. Speaker 3 (11:25) You don't need to even. But I never Speaker 4 (11:26) thought of how heavy the heterosexual rule book was until I was hanging out with a friend that didn't subscribe to it. Yeah. And she was like, dude, you guys live with the most insane rules that like I can't comprehend. What was she saying? Just like get married, have kids. be like, you know, walk your dog, like wear Speaker 3 (11:42) nice clothes. It's like, well, hold on. Gay people talk about nice clothes. Yeah. Speaker 4 (11:46) But I'm saying like, as like a heterosexual couple, you have like a ton of rules that are put on you. Speaker 3 (11:51) Yeah. Yeah. That like you're supposed to do. So if you show up to like the Speaker 4 (11:54) bounce house, people are assuming you follow all of these rules. True. Whereas if you're in a non-heterosexual lifestyle, there are way less rules. Like you could be like me and my play partner are going to take my kid to school today. You can't do that. Speaker 3 (12:09) You can. I would say you could do that from a heterosexual standpoint too, but it's way more explosive. I thought you were saying, yeah. So if you're, yeah, if you're, I think if you're gay, it's like you, it's pretty much assumed like you're going to be slightly polyamorous. You party Speaker 4 (12:24) a little harder. Yeah. But like, if you find out your neighbor's next door, like the play partner brings the kid to school, you're going to kind of be like, come on, man. Like, I see what you're Speaker 3 (12:32) saying. Speaker 4 (12:32) You're not following our rules. I thought Speaker 3 (12:33) you were saying you can have your play partner. You shouldn't have your play partner. Speaker 4 (12:36) You can, though, if you don't subscribe to the heterosexual rulebook. Yeah, that's true. Which I'm not trying to throw that rulebook out. You also can't, Speaker 3 (12:45) you can't have that, you can't explain an open relationship to kids. It's too, it's like, kids are so binary. You can't be hitting them with like, well, like, you know, mommy has like her boyfriend who's more of like a physical, intimate lover that makes up for daddy's more kind of like good-natured, passive quality. They're gonna be like, hold on, dude, like. Daddy's the strongest guy we know. So yeah, dad's the strongest guy you know. Mom only loves dad. The Speaker 4 (13:09) bull's a little stronger. But that's what Speaker 3 (13:13) daddy likes. Speaker 4 (13:16) You can't have... That's the other reason we moved to Austin to try to expand our rule book. I'm just kidding. I'm not putting that out. I'm not trying to go to like our Austin gone wild. True. The mayor went on Milwaukee gone wild. Speaker 3 (13:32) No shade. He got burnt. I'm on Speaker 1 (13:35) Austin's going wild too. Where? What? I'm on the Austin Speaker 3 (13:38) G-Dub. How's Austin G-Dub? Speaker 1 (13:41) It's all right. It's fine. It's kind of tepid. Yes. You know how the GW scene goes. Speaker 3 (13:47) I don't. How wide is your rule book, Lamar? What do you mean? In terms of your rule, how wide is like, how far? Where does the Speaker 4 (13:55) shock start from? Yeah. Where will Speaker 3 (13:57) your Speaker 1 (13:57) kink hit the fringe where you're like, ah. I don't have fringe kinks, I don't think. Speaker 3 (14:01) Okay. Yeah, Speaker 1 (14:02) I don't believe. I don't think I have any fridge kinks. I try to stop before it starts getting weird. Are you Speaker 3 (14:08) just subbed on basically? Yeah. Speaker 4 (14:11) Classic Speaker 1 (14:11) subbed on. Speaker 4 (14:12) Classic Dom response. So you're like vanilla with a little peanut butter swirl. Like a cherry vanilla. I get with that. We just left, me and my wife just left deep suburbia where it's like weird if you don't have like two couples working for, or like both spouses working from home. Speaker 3 (14:37) Yeah. And like, if your kids don't play sports, they're like, Speaker 4 (14:39) yo. Speaker 3 (14:40) Yeah, true. They're Speaker 4 (14:41) weird. Speaker 3 (14:41) Although, I could get into that from a kink perspective. Like Speaker 4 (14:44) deep suburban kink? Yeah. Speaker 3 (14:46) Go like full deep suburban dead bedroom. Birth on, both on antidepressants and just let like 15 years pass. That'd be hot. It sounds kinky. Oh, fuck. It sounds Speaker 4 (14:58) kinky, but in reality, it's just. To work from home goon caves. Speaker 4 (15:04) And like a soccer game. Like no one's, everyone's too lazy. So it's just like. Too much Speaker 3 (15:10) about Goon games. Speaker 4 (15:11) It's like her, like her she shed. And like both of them are like, well, one of them's like reading erotica and the other one's like. Goonies. Spending 1200 bucks a month on OnlyFans. Speaker 3 (15:22) True. Speaker 4 (15:25) It's not, it's not a very spicy scene. It's not spicy. From what I know, I don't know. I've been locked into like. It's true. My. heterosexual rule book household. Well, you've been on 1950s household for a while. Speaker 4 (15:37) Are you off that? I don't know. I've tried to establish that at the beginning, but it got shattered immediately. I've done it all though. I've done seven years of like work from home. Yeah. Stay at home. Dad, stay at home. Both parents while like dad. Yeah. Worked in mysterious ways. Yeah. We've done all kinds of Speaker 3 (15:55) things. You've been on your wizard grind. Yeah. We've been on a wizard grind. We've been on a learning curve. You've tried all the different setups. What would you say is the ideal? Speaker 3 (16:04) As far as like spousal. Speaker 4 (16:07) All things combined. Not just kink. I will tell you, I've discovered what I think is the ideal. What? This is the other reason that brought us to Austin. Because we're trying to get into. Speaker 4 (16:20) I'm more old Austin. I don't know. Hello. Kind of weird to me. No shade on hello. But like, you know, it's not really my scene. I'm old Austin. You know, I'm like slacker. Keep Austin weird. You know, I'm more like. I forgot you're bringing slacker back. I'm trying to become the apex slacker of Austin. That's my goal. Kind of sick. So like what me and Dana did was we sat down. Right. We did this in the middle of the pandemic. It was like my old goal used to be to slack full time. For sure. But I thought in order to slack full time, you need to make like a billion dollars doing something dumb and then you can slack. Those guys don't really Speaker 3 (16:57) slack though. I Speaker 4 (16:58) know. I learned that from my taco shop. I fucked up. Speaker 3 (17:01) That was like, Speaker 4 (17:01) I started a taco shop to slack. Speaker 3 (17:03) Yeah. And Speaker 4 (17:04) it turned into 80 hours a week. 80 hours of pure capitalistic indulgence. True. So like what we do is we sat down and we were like, let's look at a budget where we cut out. Anything extra? Like what would we need to not get our kids taken away? There you go. Right. It's four grand a month. Perfect. Right. It's like if we could go four grand a month, CPS won't come take our kids and we won't get divorced from being too poor. There you go. So like we just bumped that up a little golden mean. That's perfect. So we're like, I'm trying. She's not that into this, but what I want to do is put a dry erase board on the fridge and split utilities. and be like, yo, we both got to come up with this much money. Like, yo, you owe me 33 bucks for Comcast or whatever. She's not that into that idea. You're trying to go Speaker 3 (17:53) full crackhead couple. No, I'm trying to go full like Speaker 4 (17:55) college live-in boyfriend-girlfriend. Where it's like dry erase board. You know, you got to come up with this much for like Austin Gasworth. Well, how are you going to handle if you smoke her down? How much does that cost? Bowl pack to bowl pack. Speaker 3 (18:09) Bowl pack to bowl Speaker 4 (18:10) pack. Speaker 3 (18:14) It all depends. True. That's a sick setup. The whiteboard, here's what we need. She Speaker 4 (18:18) hasn't gone full into that yet. That's my eventual goal. True. Like, it was like, people are always like, what are you guys going to do when you retire if you're not saving money? I was like, I'm going back to a whiteboard where it's like, babe, if you don't have money, you got to move out. Speaker 4 (18:31) I'll put up a Craigslist. Or we'll get another roommate. Speaker 3 (18:35) There you go. And then just tell them the rent's more and pocket off that. Hey, that's a good idea. I Speaker 4 (18:41) was thinking, I was probably happiest back when I was like, fuck, I got to get 33 bucks. I'll go to Chili's and bust tables. I'll get a $33 envelope, come home, give it