Ep 621 - Landlubbers

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Matt and Shane dive into chaotic daily life, from disrupted routines and gaming rage to absurd real-life encounters and dark humor about homelessness, traffic stops, and gym competitions. The episode blends personal stories with surreal comedy and pop culture riffs.

Key takeaways

• Routines are sacred—disturbing them causes rage.
• Gaming interruptions feel like personal betrayals.
• Homelessness and urban dangers are darkly comedic topics.

Transcript preview

Wild West. Hello. Hey. Hello. Coming to live on a bright and beautiful Thursday. Wow, it's Thursday. Thursday. Thursday might be my favorite new favorite day of the week. Really? Yeah, what's that? What's that about? I love the week. You're just getting ready for the weekend. I here's a thing. Reverse. I love the week's. Reverse. Reverse. The week is my new, that's the week's my shit. Yeah. The weekend is like it's cool. You're working on the weekend. I'm working on the weekend, exactly. I have my nice little routine all week Monday through Friday my routine if you could just trap me in glass and let me do my routine every day put me in the zoo I'm fine I'm so excited about my routine as soon as I woke up today's yeah drove to Starbucks hit the Xbox perfect I'm back keep an eye see if the rents are back I don't know if they are oh no really got in late last night I don't know if the rents are back God knows what the mayor's done he probably ate them I'm not. He was sneaking guys in for a bird fry. Yeah, there's... There's some people here. You gotta look out for a little signs of people as long as might be advertising a bird fry. I don't think he knew I was coming home, the door was locked, he parked me in and he was in Virginia. Dang! Is he still in VA right now? I think he's in down Virginia way. I want a fucking dick. Yeah. He parked... Where is his keys? Parks me in, his keys. Under a pile of coming clothes? Oh, yeah. It is at a lady's house. Oh no, so you had to do, so your routine got disturbed. You had to go now run unnecessary errands, dude. Yes. I'm level 10 angry. As soon as an unnecessary errand disturbs, a sanctity of my routine, I am fucking. I am trying to find my gamer chair. It's back at his desk. Every monitor on game paused. for a week just leave shit on that is tight though on his tour he can hold down I pause my game for this so he did pause his game he pauses game pause in your game and leaving for five days is crazy that's an intent has auto resume dude it'll go back he's just a dickhead Just to hold this game. There's seven, he's got monitors, there's like three computer towers. I walk back there, I am a dad when I walk back there, I'm furious. I walk back and, God damn, look at all the shit. Electricity bills going through the fucking roof. If the internet's slow at all I blame him. Everything, he gets blamed for everything. I remember my parents would bug on the electricity. It was like once a quarter they would nickel. They fussed it. They'd fated it. They'd fasted. They'd fated it. They'd fated it. They'd all the time. I never be like, I don't give a fuck. I was like, why are you acting like I care? I remember he was on the wall near the basement steps, so you're turn off the basement lights and it's just, yeah just an electricity bill. I was like, oh, okay. Just 12 being like, whoa, holy shit I should probably think about this. Yeah, I thought it was a massive charge. It's not. It's for real, got to be a dollar a month a month. It's had to leave it on. Yeah he's running old programs. You had everybody was pausing their game for this back in the day. You couldn't save, dude. Who had a memory card? I know. And then there's, you know, if someone racing your game off the memory card, but their game, that's, that's, should be up there with treason. That is treasonous. It's crazy. That's treason. I'm telling you, it's, it's why I don't really play video game. Red Damned I remember coming checking and being like yeah and just being for like sad for like three days and being like I'm never opening myself up to that possibility ever yeah you have to shield yourself do 10% into red and redemption he raised that's fucking seven hours yeah so this yesterday I just got back from Nashville I went down there to play didn't you it was very nice it's awesome I was gonna take my nephew down to Texas little kids camp but then kiddle was like let him he can run routes with us and work out it was it's awesome it was wonderful the a ant man was out it took Phil and ant man to Nashville to the tight end university and yeah it was but yesterday was the best part because we I flew back to Texas they flew back to Harrisburg their flight got delayed in Chicago about five hours six hours out with a fucking seven-year-old? I didn't know they didn't shut the fuck up for one minute. He's seven now? Yeah. Yeah, dude. Seven and a half. True. Yeah, you got to check that. But, bro, they don't, they don't shut up once. No. I had headphones in and he just sits across from me just talking to me. What was he droned on about? He can't believe I'm famous. It's all. Now that I'm friends with Cody woads. He loves. He's. He can't. He can't. He can't. He can't. He can't. He can't. He can't. He can't. It's CODY Wodes. And all day he just goes, Uncle Chame, what do you think Cody Wodes is doing? I don't know. He goes, have you met Sammy Zane? I don't know. He says, have you met the Uso, the Uso's brother, the Uso's? I think I have. What did they say about me? I don't know. They said, I don't know. They said, hi. That's the biggest mistake. I've made that. He's like, did they really, what they say about me what they say about. What did they say about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me about me. What did they say about me about me about me about me. What did they said about me about me about me about me about me about me about to talk to Phil and my dad was like and talk to Phil and my dad was like don't fucking have him talk to me you guys ask him about the wrestlers he's just punishing you a day I do it's non-stop yeah they won't stop yeah they won't stop yeah they won't stop talking I had a fucking I had a cool down my ass she was like yeah I'm six and a half right I'm like bro you're not even close to six and half don't at me like that. You're maybe six and a quarter, not even. Definitely not six and a half. You're a couple months shy six and a quarter. Don't be... I've actually had that argument with a girlfriend. I'm six and a half, right? You're not even close to six and a half. You're three, dude. A couple years ago I told the story about how I once spent my last nine dollars on a Bud Light during an Eagles game at the link. I really did. I was sitting up there. I had nine dollars in my car, I got one Bud Light. Anyway, my friends at Bud Light found the clip and since then we've been working on a way to bring the story full circle when I perform at the link. After the show, fans 21 and over can visit participating bars in Philly for a Bud Light on us. Fans can visit bars in Packer Park, South Philly, Logan Square, Spring Garden, and Center City after the show for a Bud Light on us. Rebut light dude. That's it. Nice. Yeah but uh that's just those two stock is crazy. Phil and a man together is the funniest combo. Phil takes me to a bar and man just sits next to a woman ask, I mean an a man is going through exactly what I went through and then I did it to a man. I took an to the bar and he would just watch me drink. No, it's like we stay till the end of this game all right. Half time he was like, okay can we please leave leave leave? Drink the truly temple. Shut up. I let him run around the bar. That's nice. Don't even watch him. No. Just throwing shit. He was, they had a pop a shot. He was just fucking launching balls around him. Yeah, he eventually did give up and just let your kids just run around. You're like, I can't, I can't possibly dedicate every single brain cell, every second. Somebody takes him, I'll be in my Liam niece and shit. True. I'll get him back. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. You will. Yeah, I mean it's also, I get a lot, there's a lot of Amber Alerts down here. But despite, it's every five fucking. The Lads are, dude. The lads hit the Amber Alerts. Left and right, dude. Foos, bro. Foos go wild with the Amber Alerts. Dude, for real. So many Amber. Come us to do say Amber. And I know it's a name, but it's also a color. Amber, I wonder how you do say Amber. Yes. Yellow. Kind of like yellow, but... Ambar. Damn, the arm bars. The arm bar alert. Oh no. Yeah, dude. I wonder what, what's up with the fucking... It was a really hot potato with the nignos, dude. It was crazy. It's a real hot potato. It's a real hot potato. They did. Also, it's like three cities. Everybody in Houston takes them, headed down San Antonio where they just fucking bounce around that triangle. You got my nino? I think that's what you ever see the spikes that come out of the rims. That's probably to protect it. Yeah, if you're in the armbar? Yeah, people try to take your nino's at Houston. You're like, oh, you can't get close to me. Yeah, the food's fucking hot potato. Yeah, there's just a fucking. Ladies and gentlemen, a fool has been taking everybody beyond fucking guard, dude. There's a fool on the loose. And their car breaks down. Never seen that many fucking amylers. Anyway, I have heard abductions big here though. Never seen that many fucking amylers. Anyway, I have heard abductions big here though. Yeah, so. You know, we can tell, dude. It's not. about it if you're in the business of snagging kids and forcing them into whatever kind of slavery you want you're right at the finish line here yeah three hour drive you get the bag do you know how fucking easy does a stay kid you just said so yourself I'm like this is where you want to do it I'm saying I wouldn't I think it's terrible obviously you're right next to the fucking finish if you snagged a kid in New York I could go to Canada way I Karumba for sure good luck but yeah it's dude I'm were always like I swear someone was watching me they chalk my tires in the parking lot yeah I'm ready I stay ready I said let it happen it's one of my many fantasies I can't wait to answer the phone and go who is this I'm talking about stopping in progress hold on let me sound the authorities so loud. Where do they go? There's a flood that 400 miles away. Oh, okay. Which actually is stopping five ambler alerts. Yeah. A flood here that took those bums. Wait, the bums got taken? Couple bombs got fucking. No. Yeah, there was a like last year. What? They fell in there a couple. There was a flood here. There was a summer camp one. It said. It's horrendous. But some of the bums fell into the lazy river. I think. I think a lazy river. It took. It took some of Like there's a flash lazy river warning some of the bombs didn't get the alert. No! Just while asleep. No! That's not funny. It's, it's, it's, it's not funny. I mean there is something about... Fucking hilarious, dude. Being fucking wasted and then waking up in a river. Just like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit. I swear. I didn't hear about that some of the bombs I hope the I hope the bumps survived but yeah true we need get the they got hit with it yeah the Shoal Creek flooded in about a year ago for individuals experiencing homelessness were caught in a Danish dangerous drainage culvert oh so they got caught up in the Two were rescued, but a man and a woman. Day one turned into a Ninja Turtle. They found two of them. And then a man and a woman tragically trying. I'm just trying to. Just finding the silver lining. True. Because it is a tragedy. That is sad. You like to imagine their lovers, maybe. Perhaps, yeah. Like in Pompeii or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. They died in the flood, yeah. tragic. Sorry, well, he's and he's and he's and he's. He's and he's. He's and bees. It is sad. Oh, man. That's sorry, dude. The fact that it was a fucking, getting sucked into the sewer. And dude, just me and I'm, being home, I'm like, life can't get anywhere. Oh, shit, I'm getting flushed down the toilet. It's a fucking... literally... It's a fucking crazy. It's... a fucking crazy. It's... You can be like, you know, I can't handle this. I don't want to have anything to do with society, but it's like, you have to at least stay out of the waste management system, like the water management system, like, you're... you can be like, you can be like, you know, I can't handle this, I don't want to have anything. It's everyone's responsibility to just watch out for the stormwater, man. Don't be in like one of the channels that could lead you down the sewer. Like you gotta do that at least. You're blessed on personal responsibility. But it's sad. That sucks, dude. Anyway. Oh. That's not good. Oh, but yes, for sure. Someone getting flushed down. Their day must have been fucking hilarious. Must have been like screaming at somebody on the street. Fuck you, bitch, and I'm just, oh shit. You're making fun of me for having an Ida homeless day the other day. That was killing me, dude. I was like, yeah, you had a full fucking bomb day. fucking d'urn bike right down to the white meat still that was a week ago fell off my fucking bike I chased my dogs dude it sucks he tried to talk to yeah explain what happened unless you already have I talked about it last week but it was full fucking bum day it was a dude I can't believe you you know if you didn't rain dude I was primed up I was primed up I was primed up I actually was riding my bike along a culvert too that could have gotten bad I would have fucking pulled him down but you betrayed me. I thought for sure the guy seemed friendly. I'm like here we go I'm gonna flex with my... Yeah just wild pipples. Just a couple wild pipples outside and I was like hey. It was this before after you fell off your bike? After. So you're bleeding. Bleeding? Bleeding. You go it's time for me to tame some wild pipples. I did get my pump though. After the bleeding? After I'm not afraid to do that. And then I didn't go to the cold plunge that would have been very dast. It