M&B Paranormal Investigations: Episode 1

Magenta Presents

Magenta and Bernard launch their new paranormal investigation business to fund the massive renovation of Misty Moor Rectory, which they purc

Key takeaways

• Magenta and Bernard purchased Misty Moor Rectary via Facebook Marketplace while intoxicated.
• The estimated renovation budget for the rectory is approximately three million pounds.

Main topics

• Paranormal investigations
• Property renovation

Notable quotes

Perverts in life, perverts in death.

Conclusion

A comedic introduction to a series that blends supernatural mystery wi

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:02) Greetings, fans of the esoteric, and welcome to Magenta Speaker 1 (0:10) Presents. Speaker 4 (0:12) If you've been listening for a while, you might remember that in the introduction to the story Douglas speaking, we briefly touched upon our other podcast. Speaker 1 (0:20) Sonos Mystica. Speaker 4 (0:21) Sonos Mystica, that's right. 400 episodes of mystical banter described by our listeners as overwhelming. Speaker 1 (0:28) Byzantine. Dizzying. Like Speaker 4 (0:30) a belly full of absinthe on a fairground waltzer. So we had an idea, didn't we, Bernard? Speaker 1 (0:34) Yes, a microdose of mysticism. That's Speaker 4 (0:37) right. So today we bring to you the last eight episodes of Sonus Mystica. And boy, do they have it all. Horror, mystery, a touch of humour, high stakes. Speaker 1 (0:47) A coherent story. A Speaker 4 (0:49) coherent story. Yes. And a celebrity cameo. Speaker 1 (0:52) Sort of. Speaker 4 (0:53) And so, dear listeners, without further ado. Speaker 1 (0:57) Magenta presents... In association with Sonos Mystica, Speaker 4 (1:00) M &B Paranormal Speaker 1 (1:02) Investigations. It's spooky. No Speaker 2 (1:12) matter who we are, no matter how humble, how lofty, adventurous or not, there comes a time when certain questions become pressing. Questions like, what nature of door shall I walk through? What roof will shelter? What walls shall defend? How might I find expression, fulfillment, a sense of Speaker 3 (1:40) rooted belonging from Speaker 2 (1:42) the very floor beneath my feet? These questions are, of course, metaphorical. But there are those who take them literally and find themselves with a renovation project of such massive proportions, of such staggering ambition, that a whole new question is born. Am I in the presence of lunacy? or genius. Welcome to Great Decisions. Today, I'm in the county of Bletherington to meet Bernard and Magenta Fairton, who recently purchased a sprawling country estate with a rich history. That's the diplomatic way to describe it. Others might say Misty Moor Rectory is a crumbling heap with a disturbing reputation and a dark and bloody past. Speaker 3 (2:43) Magenta, Bernard, Speaker 2 (2:44) hello! Speaker 1 (2:45) Hi! Hello! Hello! Speaker 4 (2:47) Welcome! How Speaker 2 (2:48) are you? Speaker 4 (2:49) Oh, all the better for meeting you, Kenneth! Yes, we're Speaker 1 (2:51) here. Speaker 4 (2:51) Our Speaker 1 (2:52) humble abode. Speaker 2 (2:54) Wow-wee, wow. Look at this place. Awful. Isn't it? Yes, it's a dump. We're filled with regret, Kenneth. So tell me, Speaker 1 (3:02) guys, what on earth possessed you? Speaker 4 (3:04) Possessed? Oh, we're not possessed, Kenneth. Not yet, anyway. I Speaker 1 (3:08) don't think Kenneth meant it literally, dear. More like, why are we doing this? Speaker 4 (3:11) Oh, I see. Oh, right. Well, Kenneth... Long-time fan, by the way. Don't usually have a thing for bald men, but you're the exception. Oh, and Jason Statham, of course. Oh, yes. He's Speaker 1 (3:21) lovely. Yes, Crank is a masterpiece, isn't he? An absolute masterpiece. Speaker 4 (3:24) Sorry, what was I saying? Speaker 1 (3:25) He was asking why we bought the rectory. Speaker 4 (3:27) Oh, yes. It was cheap. Speaker 1 (3:28) Very cheap. Extraordinarily cheap. And because you both have Speaker 2 (3:32) a passion for renovation. Speaker 4 (3:34) Sure, yes. Why not? Do you remember, Bernard, when we first saw the rectory online, it was Tequila Taco Tuesday. Speaker 1 (3:40) What? What's that? Tequila Taco Tuesday. Every Tuesday in our house is Tequila Taco Tuesday, isn't it, dear? Yes. And on the Tequila Taco Tuesday in question, after several cheeky slammers, we found ourselves on Facebook Marketplace. And Speaker 4 (3:52) there it was, next to a posting for a Sylvanian family treehouse and a homemade model of Linda Blair giving herself a hand shandy with a crucifix. There Speaker 1 (4:00) it was. Misty Moore Rectory. So we Speaker 4 (4:04) bought Speaker 2 (4:04) it. Wait, let me unpack that. You bought a sprawling country estate on Facebook Marketplace when you were drunk? Um, yes, that's about right. No, this isn't working. Cut! Oh, oh dear. Speaker 4 (4:17) Did we say something wrong? Speaker 2 (4:19) Okay, you two. Have you seen the show before? Speaker 4 (4:22) Oh, yes. Yes, Speaker 2 (4:23) yes, we're big fans. We watch all of them. Oh, it's marvellous. It's Speaker 4 (4:26) the same thing every time, but we love it. Speaker 2 (4:28) Really? Well, most people who come on the show haven't seen it. Speaker 4 (4:32) No. Oh, I thought as much. Speaker 2 (4:33) Maybe if they did watch the bloody show, they'd know how to renovate a bloody house without bankrupting themselves. Speaker 4 (4:38) We've said exactly the same thing, haven't we, Bernard? Yes, Speaker 1 (4:40) every Speaker 4 (4:40) time. Every time we sit down to see it, we go, they couldn't have watched it, otherwise they wouldn't be doing this, would they? And they never take your advice, Kenneth. Speaker 2 (4:48) OK, so if I can offer you some advice. You might think Great Decisions is just another property makeover, reality TV show. But it's not. It's poetry. Speaker 4 (4:58) Poetry? Mmm, yes. I like poetry. Like, there was a young lady from Weeners who sat on a rather low... No, Speaker 2 (5:04) no, not literal poetry. Look, think about it. What is the essence of humanity? What separates us from the great apes? Hmm? Speaker 1 (5:12) Hmm. Oh, um... Underpants? Double glazing! Canapes! Ooh, carpal tunnel! Pirates. Travel pillows. Lapel pins. Chapstick. Arch support. Speaker 2 (5:22) Culture. It's culture. Yeah, right. Culture. Ambition. Fire. Passion. Italian marble. German windows. Capisce? No, not really. Never mind. We'll have to focus on the budget. Let's take this again. Speaker 3 (5:37) Rolling in three, two... Speaker 2 (5:40) I have to say, Magenta, Bernard, Misty Moor Manor is huge. Staggeringly so. Dozens of bedrooms, a banquet room, a chapel. Dungeons. Plural. 26 bathrooms. 14 Speaker 4 (5:51) acres of barren land where nothing ever grows. A Speaker 2 (5:53) perpetually frozen lake. Yeah, yeah. That's a lot of real estate. So go Speaker 1 (5:57) on, how much did you pay for it? 50 quid. 50... You're joking. No. Speaker 2 (6:03) Okay, bargain. Although it is in a state of fairly advanced collapse. Speaker 1 (6:07) What's your budget for renovation? 50 quid. Sorry, what? £50, which we've already spent. No, not quite. The caravan was £49.99. Oh, yeah. Speaker 2 (6:16) The one you're living in while you renovate. The one parked in the banquet hall. Yes. OK, so you've spent £100. Speaker 1 (6:22) £99.99. But Speaker 2 (6:23) if you want this place to be returned to anything like its former glory, or even just liveable, you're going to need another, what, two mil? Three? Speaker 4 (6:30) Three million quid? Do you really think so, Kenneth? Oh, gosh. And he's right about these things, isn't he? He's always right, but no one ever listens to him. So Speaker 2 (6:38) where's that money going to come from? Friends and family? Speaker 4 (6:40) Friends and family. Friends and family, Bernard. That'd be good, wouldn't it? Who's your mum, Bernard? Queen of Sheba? Let's hope so. Speaker 1 (6:48) This is all right. Speaker 4 (6:49) Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, your bestie. Yes, Speaker 1 (6:51) we go way back, we do. It's all right. I hope not, he's awful. Speaker 2 (6:54) Okay, so, savings? Savings? No, not savings. Mortgage? Speaker 4 (6:59) Oh, the bank wouldn't give us one for this place. They wouldn't, would they? They said it was too haunted. No, don't, don't. I know. They said it was too big. Speaker 1 (7:07) Right, fine. Jobs? Speaker 4 (7:08) Well, sadly,