How a Relationship Coach Unlocks the Conversation Couples Avoid
Living Your Legacy
Vesta Gauntlet discusses her relationship book Are You In or Out?, which she created after working with couples who were stuck in communication, intimacy, and connection problems. The
Key takeaways
- Vesta Gauntlet says the book is designed for couples at a crucial juncture who may have been together eight or ten years but lack tools to discuss what they truly want from each other.
- The book has two sides: a dark blue husband-spouse side and a Tiffany blue wife side, with different material on each side but the same core question of whether partners are in or out.
Main topics
- Couples communication and unresolved resentment
- Intimacy, connection, and long-term relationship longevity
Notable quotes
Are you in or out?
Conclusion
The episode offers practical value for couples who feel stuck, especially by framing
Transcript preview
Speaker 3 (0:00) A lot of times the stories we're telling ourselves Speaker 1 (0:01) that Speaker 3 (0:02) our spouse is doing to make us mad or to do this, it's a story we're telling ourself. And that's kind of what I touch on in the book. There's some ways to make sure that you're communicating on a level that's respectful of something that really matters to the person or makes them feel loved. And not because we blow up these situations that are so small, but the tiny places are where we die. So it's really getting them at this crucial juncture in their relationship. And most of the time they don't have the tools to have a conversation about what they really want from each other. And they get stuck and you stay there for years and years. If the person won't be what you need, that's why we need to know. Are you in or out? Speaker 2 (0:36) Vesta Gauntlet is an insightful, purpose-driven relationship coach and the founder of Vesta Enterprises, LLC. Guided by a commitment to relational clarity, she helps couples navigate difficult conversations, driving a legacy of emotional resilience and empowered connections. What Speaker 3 (0:51) I do say on the front of the book, it's reading this book will change a relationship. It's a warning because it is not going to be able to just go back once you've had this conversation. Speaker 1 (1:00) Wow, okay. Speaker 3 (1:00) And there's another twist for you. Do you want to know what it is? Speaker 1 (1:06) It's... like a super high school internet. Elvis, ready. Today, Apple Speaker 4 (1:13) is going to reinvent the fun. It's not over Speaker 1 (1:17) until Speaker 2 (1:17) I win. Speaker 1 (1:19) The Living Your Legacy podcast for those who live to leave a legacy. That's sensational. Speaker 1 (1:39) Hey, Speaker 4 (1:40) welcome back everyone to another episode of Living Your Legacy podcast. I'm your host again, Jay Slangen, and thanks for joining us down here at the sunny Miami Beach studios in our podcast room where we get the opportunity to speak to some of the best entrepreneurs from around the country, the disruptors, and... the experts like we have here today for our Love Experts show. Yeah, why don't you introduce yourself? What's Speaker 3 (2:01) your Speaker 4 (2:01) name? Where are Speaker 3 (2:01) you Speaker 4 (2:01) from? And what do you do? Speaker 3 (2:02) My name is Vesta Gauntlet. I'm from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Speaker 4 (2:06) And Speaker 3 (2:06) I am a love expert. I have written a book to help couples find joy in a relationship. Speaker 4 (2:11) Okay, love experts. You like to have them here, right? It's such an important part of our lives, right? Yes, absolutely. To love. It's like the meaning of life sometimes, right? Absolutely. And so you help out couples, mostly married couples. Yes. Okay. But the book is Speaker 3 (2:26) flexible. Speaker 4 (2:27) Okay. And like, what kind of issues are you trying to help them out with? Speaker 3 (2:30) Mostly communication, intimacy, and longevity. They want to stay together. Speaker 4 (2:34) Okay. Okay. And you are helping them. Do they come seek you out kind of before things get crazy in their relationship or it's usually after? After. Okay. And so what's the main thing where, you know, is kind of getting in the way of Them having good communication or what's a big problem that you see when people see you so Speaker 3 (2:57) the book is called are you in or out because they're at the point where they're like I've been here for maybe eight ten years man you Speaker 4 (3:03) in yeah, Speaker 3 (3:05) are you out exactly? So it's really getting them at this crucial Juncture in a relationship and most of the time they don't have the tools to have a conversation about what they really want from each other Yeah, Speaker 4 (3:15) and Speaker 3 (3:15) they get stuck and you stay there for years and years in my mind wasting time if the person won't be what you need that's why we need to know are you in or out so Speaker 4 (3:25) i could see them asking themselves in the mirror like right are you in are you out of this right yeah and also asking their partners right are you in are you out because maybe one's more committed than the other Speaker 3 (3:37) absolutely um Speaker 4 (3:38) and so yeah is it more important to ask themselves that question or their partner Speaker 3 (3:43) I think that it's very difficult for most couples who've been together that long, especially if there's children, to even ask the question, even if they're thinking it. Speaker 1 (3:50) So Speaker 3 (3:50) I feel that the book gives them a vehicle to have that conversation with a few boundaries to help them move forward. It's a very short book. You can read your half. The book flips over. One side is the husband's partner spouse. One's the wife. Completely different material, but same angle. You will either end up on the page where you want to stay together and plan a new life and break those habits, or you immaculately move on. Those are the only two choices. Speaker 4 (4:14) Amazing. So you were talking about how the book flips, right? So are you saying that it literally flips and it's like you have to turn it upside down in order to read it? Speaker 3 (4:22) Yes. So the front cover, the main cover you would see on the shelf is a dark blue. That's the husband-spouse side. And then the other side is Tiffany blue for the ladies. And the book literally flips over, which is a publishing challenge. But I found a publisher that I can work with to make that happen. Speaker 4 (4:36) Who's buying your book more? Is it the men, the women? Speaker 3 (4:39) The women. Speaker 4 (4:40) Okay. Speaker 3 (4:40) Yes, definitely. And a lot of them are reading it themselves because it's a lot of questions that you need to be asking yourself that you probably didn't want to face. So it's really helpful for them. I find that they're reading it to know where they stand before they hand it over. Speaker 4 (4:54) Gotcha. Gotcha. So it doesn't matter who's buying it because the women buy it and then they give it to the men to say, hey, you need to read this, right? Speaker 3 (5:02) Right. But it doesn't matter who buys it because if a husband brings it to you. That is a huge step that he's aware that there's issues. Right. And so I do think it doesn't matter how they get it, if they work through it, but it is telling who purchases it. And Speaker 4 (5:16) so you talked about there's like communication. And what were the two other main things? Speaker 3 (5:21) Oh, so for most marriages, it's the communication, intimacy, connection. Gotcha. Speaker 4 (5:25) Gotcha. Speaker 3 (5:26) Yeah. Speaker 4 (5:26) Is intimacy and connection. It sounds kind of like similar. Speaker 3 (5:29) Well, one is a little bit more like you can communicate and be connected on the daily. daily things you're doing with your family in your life. And you can have that level. Speaker 1 (5:36) Once Speaker 3 (5:37) you go deeper, what do we want in the future? Do we still want what we wanted 20 years ago? Do we still want to move to North Carolina and fish? These things all have changed in the time period of your life, right? People Speaker 4 (5:47) change, right? And Yeah, it's almost like sometimes you lose yourself and you want to re-find it, right? Exactly. So it's almost like, hey, do I have to be out of this marriage or maybe can I be free for a little bit and then come back, right? I don't know. Yeah, Speaker 3 (6:04) it's all how they determined to cipher where they landed, right? Because it's great if you both end up on the one, let's be together, but we need to fix stuff because it's not working. So that's one path. One is we both end up on let's amicably move on, be respectful, make it as quick as possible and as kind to each other. The questions come in a little more when they land on two different pages. Is Speaker 4 (6:23) take a break a thing or no? Speaker 3 (6:25) Not in my book, but I mean, I don't think it's not an option. But I do say on the front of the book, it's reading this book will change a relationship. So warning, because it is not going to be able to just go back once you've had this conversation. Speaker 4 (6:37) Wow. Okay. And Speaker 3 (6:38) there's another twist for you. Do you want to know what it is? Speaker 4 (6:41) I guess so. Yeah. Speaker 3 (6:42) In the book, you are actually going through it like a choose your own adventure book. Speaker 4 (6:46) Okay. So Speaker 3 (6:47) each page literally has questions and you choose the one you want to continue through the book. Okay. So page one. Fast forward Speaker 4 (6:54) straight to the intimacy one. Speaker 3 (6:56) That's right. So really this is about you being honest. No one knows what you're choosing on your side, but it does lead you through to one of those two pages and you have to choose. So every experience, every person who reads it is going to have their. personalized experience as long as they're honest. Speaker 4 (7:11) And then you're going to flip back and you're like, okay, what was the other path, right? I Speaker 3 (7:14) always Speaker 4 (7:15) did that in the Choose Your Own Adventure, you know? You Speaker 3 (7:17) could Speaker 4 (7:17) do that. Speaker 3 (7:18) Absolutely. I mean, I think you might find you chose incorrectly. You know, on the first page for the husbands, it says, which of these resonates with you? And the first thing says, you know, like for example, this book is stupid and a waste of money. Go to page three. The next one says, oh, I didn't know things were this bad. Go to page whatever. And the last one says, oh yeah, I'm not surprised I have this book. But the first one, it says, if he goes to that page, it says, if you pick this out of a knee-jerk reaction, go pick again. If this is how you feel, go to page 50. Done. Speaker 4 (7:46) Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're Speaker 3 (7:47) right. He can go right to the end. Speaker 4 (7:48) You're also forcing people to make choices and decisions. of just saying, hey, it's not just reading through this. It's like, yeah, it's almost like teaching them how to make choices, right? Because in the end, they have to make a choice. Are you in or you out? Yes. Speaker 3 (8:00) So clever. You caught right on. Yes. Well, also, it makes them accountable. Speaker 4 (8:04) You're the one that's a clever one because you're the one. I'm just repeating, you know, the brilliance of what your book is. Well, thank you. Yes. Speaker 3 (8:11) But no, I think it's really important because when I was trying to find a book like this, I couldn't find it. I was working with clients and it's like, they don't want to read that. this you know it's like okay save your marriage here's two inches of material that's all written in you know psychology speak if you will so I made it very clear very direct very easy to choose and in relational situations that will make sense to anyone to get them on the right path or the path for