#778 - JIMMY CARR

KILL TONY

Comedian Jimmy Carr joins Kill Tony live in Austin for a high-energy episode featuring 12 stand-up acts, including breakout performers like Tony Scar and Pat O'Neill. The show blends chaotic humor with deep personal stor

Key takeaways

• Jimmy Carr praised Tony Scar's experimental musical comedy style at age 22.

Transcript preview

Speaker 1: Speaker 1 (0:00) Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Come to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get it for Tony! It's ready for the best fucking night in their lives, huh? Any band, make some fucking noise for them, huh? Raoul Balejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, fucking Esteban Viejo, nachos, Belgrade, Treas Leches. How about a hand for the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar? John D's on the keys. And this is the one and only D-Madness on the bass guitar here. Oh, Lordy, what an episode we have for you tonight. As always, here on the number one live podcast in the world for many years running. And it's because of our amazing sponsors and here's a little bit more from them. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, I book this Mamma Jamma. Normally two of the best comedians in the world. But everyone's son of why. We have a guest that is so fucking good. That's so great that we want to give it a little room to breathe. I present to you one of the greatest guests in the history of the show. A person who people say one of the best guests ever, guest of the year multiple times before we even started giving out that award. When we were on the come up, this guy was crushing for us. He's also literally one of the best comedians of all time. Speaker 2: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, the one, the only, the great Jimmy Carr. Oh my God. The Wednesday. The king. The man. We love him. The Jimmy Car. For the King of London. The choke smith. The man himself. Well, I can't believe your luck. I'm here. We are so happy to have you back every time, anytime. You are the... Man, our chemistry is unbelievable. Some people say we're two of the funniest ventriloquist dolls on planet Earth. It would have been okay in Music Hall, wouldn't me? A thousand years ago, we would have fun. We've always had fun. Jimmy, you know how the show goes. Over 200 Innocent Souls signed up for this bucket tonight. Anything can happen. Sometimes lately we've had some real, real good veterans of the game. Some 20, 30, 40-year comedy vets have been signing up trying to make it finally in their lives. And they do here. They finally get the respect they've been looking for. Sometimes it's a brand new mentally ill person that didn't practice or try at all, which people also love that too. Either way, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anguist Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. And then we conduct an interview. I love the phrase brand new mentally ill. Oh, yeah. They weren't mentally ill yesterday, but today it's gone too far. Oh, yeah. it happens fast. Oh, they snap fast. Some people go into Shakespeare's, the crazy bar next door, where we keep them all huddled together. And they're not even mentally ill when they go in there. And then after 20, 40 minutes around the other comedians, they have, for some reason, they've decided to do a deal where pitchers of vodka soda are of an extremely low price. I can't imagine the gasoline-like vodka that they are putting a... in there. I'm going to have Lindsey Graham's granddaughter pull the first name out of the bucket tonight. And while we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we're going to get tonight's show started with a brand new set from one of our golden ticket winners, everybody. It's been a while since we've seen this young man, and he is indeed very young, one of the youngest ever golden ticket winners in the show's history, winning it at the age of 21. He's now 22. He's a musical prodigy, getting us started tonight. He goes by the name, put your hands together, for Tony Scar, everybody. Here we go. Yay. It's come to my attention. The internet thinks I'm gay. he's not gay. That's wrong, offensive, and untrue. So I hooked a lie detector to the lights on the stage, because that's what a straight guy would do. I've never had anything up my ass. Except the finger. in a butt plug once, everyone’s tried that, everyone on this stage has tried that you wonder why these bucket pulls are so nervous the gerbils in the contract I was behind this stage Tony said it's time for the gerbil so I squatted and I prayed and he put in a guinea pig anyways I'm not gay I'd never kiss a man if you don't count my priests. And a good childhood friend. I don't even look gay. Fine. I see a lesbian in the mirror. And when I wipe that mirror off, that lady just gets queerer. I don't have any weird kinks. What the fuck does yellow me? Are you insinuating that I like pee? Guy, this fucking dick. Gay people scare me. I'm scared of women, and gay people are close enough. They freak me out every time because their hands are so soft, but their knees are so rough. Okay. I've been Tony Scar. Thank you guys. Tony Scar. Very fun, experimental little set tonight. I, knowing the lighting guy, I can't believe how good that went. We've been doing the show with that lighting guy for six years. He doesn't have our cues memorized. My own lighting guy. You brought your own? Oh, brilliant. Sorry, Kino. That must really hurt for you right now. Jimmy Carr, what do you think about this young buck? So you're saying you're not gay. I agree to disagree. I, yeah. I am a straight man. I am a straight man. I would disagree with both of those. Right. I think you would neither straight nor a man. Okay. You are a gay boy. What would you? I'm not throwing any shade. say I'm your type, Jimmy? Yeah. Listen, I don't think you have to be gay to fuck someone just stronger than him. That's true. Tony, you told me this, didn't you? It's not gay if the balls don't touch. Right. It's true. That's just good old fun. That's what that's called. I think I've had an idea for the finale of the show. Yeah. We double team him. Oh, I love this idea. Anything to get to Hollywood, man. I’m in... I love it. You're already in Hollywood. How's life been, Tony? Tell us about it. How's life changed lately? It's been really good, man. It's been really good. It’s been great. Tony, it's gone terrible. What's going on, Tony? I'm fighting with the fucking lie detector behind me. It's been good. Everything's been going good. It's hard to balance the comedy and the other aspects of life. And I'm having trouble finding, like, content to bring into the comedy. There you go. Red band found his gerbil sound effect, everybody. moment too soon. Interesting. But life is like way better than it was a year ago. I've just encountered a lot of like struggles I didn't expect to. But fucking everything's great, dude. Can't complain. Tell us about that. How has your life changed since becoming a Kill Tony Golden Ticket winner? So now I get to do what I love, which is awesome. But I also have trouble dedicating time to anything other than comedy. Like I'm a fucking psychopath. I do nothing but comedy. I can't see how this is a problem. I’m broke. Jimmy, I'm poor as fuck. But that'll come later. That will come later. You're paying your dues now. Well, if you double team, it'll come a lot quicker. We're not going to pay you for that. That’s just good old fun. I love it, Tony. What else is going on? Tell us more. Well, everything's going good. I live in a studio apartment right now. I live with my girlfriend because she doesn't have a car or a place. So she just kind of moved into my place. And that's how that went. It'd be crazy if she had a car and a place. because she's not real. Right. Like, if you had to imagine a car and a house for her as well, that's a lot of imagining. She's from Canada, right? She's not from Canada. Sure she is. Made up girlfriends are always from Canada. Where did you find this lovely homeless woman that you move into your place? She's great. She's awesome. I found her on Hinge. You met on Hinge. Ah. I know. It's bad. We're six months in. Like, on and off, mostly off, and that's mostly me, and that's my bed, and yeah. Does she have no job? She has a job, but she makes like 13 bucks an hour. She doesn't have her GED yet. Oh, wow. Okay, that sounds fucking bad. Hold on that. Let's rewind on that. He's 20. I think. No, she's 20. She's 20 years old. Uh-huh. She dropped out of high school and hasn't gotten her GED yet, so she just moved into my place and I'm kind of helping. What do you think about this genius? I think you've, it sounds like you've trapped. Delady to live with you, which is, if you had, sorry, going back to the gay thing, I don't want to harp on, but if you had to describe her vagina, would you say it's an outy? Quite a pointy vagina that sometimes comes on you. I would say ignorance is bliss. Jimmy, ignorance is bliss. I was waiting for a real answer to that question. I was hoping you were going to describe the vagina. And that's a big thing for me. So, yeah. Does your balls touch? Bet you'd like to know Red Band? Sure. I love it, Tony. Well, I got to say, I really love you. I think you're such a likable presence on stage. I appreciate it. You got like, it's just effortless. I love the kind of style of it. It feels really kind of, and sometimes in musical comedy, it can feel a little bit kind of predictable. Like, you kind of know where they're going to go, and it was just every line was a gag. It's fantastic. I loved it, man. I appreciate it. I love that you're experimenting, you know, bringing production into it at 22 years old. If you keep on this pace of trying different outside of the box things, the stuff you're going to be doing at 25, 27, 30 should be fucking nuts. Yeah, I've been trying to just keeping up with the writing, like a minute a week, I try to write so that I can keep up. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. You're doing it. Appreciate it. You're doing it. Tell your girlfriend to get her fucking GED, dude. Yeah. Yeah. The fact that you're the breadwinner of a household is nuts. It's nuts. It's nuts. It's the 22-year-old with an acoustic guitar. Just bringing home the bacon. I love it. Well, Tony, great start to the show. Way to get it started for us. Thank you so much. Yeah, go ahead. I am going on tour. Tickets are at tonyscar.com. If y'all want to hit that up. There you go. There you guys very much. I love you all. The young buck. Tony Scar, everybody. He is a young man indeed. And this looks like an old name. I do believe this guy was a Confederate officer in the Civil War. Are we allowed to have people? I don't know if we're allowed. I think his statues are coming down. Make some noise for what I believe is the Kiltzoni debut of Robert Lee, everybody. Here's Robert Lee. So white, he's got to be racist. I quit drinking 14-5 months ago with my friends. At this age, it's ridiculous, man. They all start talking about Connor McGregor, and we talk about girls we was with, and then they start crying. My wife won't blow me. My, God damn. Your scenario blow job. Oh, there we go. That's good, Tony. And I tell him what, think about it. You know, where was your wife when you were preparing for your colonoscopy? I'll tell you where mom was, 37 seconds after her, I said, this shit ain't working on me. She was cleaning shit off the bathroom skills. That's where my wife was. Well, it's hard to go down on a guy that's done his laundry. You seem to prepare for his colonoscopy. When you're young, like, oh, most all of you are. All your shits weren't supposed to. to be. Nothing leaks. You a truck driver. My asshole looks like it's ready to settle down. Wife does the laundry. God for that cat. All right. Robert Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Or as I call him, Stone Cold Steve Awful. Wow. What a way to bring it down, my friend. Absolutely incredible. You must be the father of Tony Scar's GED-Less girlfriend. You seem like graduating from high school would not be a demand on your children. No, no, I'm from Kentucky. I got a CDL. No, we know. We know. We know you're from Kentucky. Robert. You didn't know. Absolutely. We knew that. You have a truck license. Am I correct? A CDL? I'm forklift certified. I knew that. Somehow I knew that. Amazing. And where did you serve your time? I'm a Class D killer. No, man, I went one time. I learned my lesson. What was the, what did you do the one time? Oh, well, I had some meth. Oh, perfect. I did. I tried it once and it lasted ten years. One time? For, yeah. You're the only person to ever try meth one time? For 10 years or so. Oh, for 10 years. Got it, yeah. Got it. But, but I, hey, I woke up next to a gentleman. He was about that. Welcome to my world. It might have been the same. He was firing off a turd. a steel shitjack. He was what? Put the mic up to your mouth. Firing off a turd into a steel shitjack. Steel shitjack. Describe to us non-Kentucky people what a shitjack is, my friend. Some of us were not born and bred in the land of incest. Go ahead. If you have a way with language where you can conjure the phrase firing off a turd into a, what was it again? Stainless steel shitjack. A stainless steel shitjack. That is a kind of poetry that Mark Twain could only dream on. That's the set right there. Yep. Well, I mean, that was a turning point in my life. The Lord had my attention. I said, God, what do you want me to do? He said, don't do meth? I was like, I don't you. Real quick, before I move on with the 75 questions that I have, I have to know before we move on, what exactly is a shit jack? Have you ever been number three? Nope. What's the number three? One, number two. What's where you piss shit and jack? Jack off. Number three. Jack off. Sorry, . Okay, I know. You just did his entire act right then. Hold on. So again, I'm going to ask again, what describe what the physical substance of a steel shit jack is. What is that? It's where all your roommates are in the same room. It sits in the middle of the floor, and when you shit, you're on display. It's a bedpan. No, no. It's a toilet. No, you drink out of the back of it. Oh, got it. Don't do drugs. Got it. You're in prison. A shit jack is a toilet. Wow. You could have said that at any point. You let poor Jimmy Carr from London. You don't know what I... I think I might be kind of like Dr. Doolittle for this guy. I can understand. I know you all think someone just drew a face on a thumb, but I see him as a person. I can understand him. I love it. So, Robert Lee, how old are you? I'm 50. 50. What made you... You just started stand-up, right? This is your first time or something? No, no, I did it a couple times before. Okay, just a couple times. You know, it's American Legion back in Kentucky where everybody knows me. The American Legion? Yeah. They do shows at the American Legion in Kentucky? Sometimes. Yeah. Fuck yeah. All right. What made you want to come to Austin, Texas and sign up for this show? Oh, well, I work at North Dakota in the oil field. Okay. That's one answer to a totally different question. Well, have you ever been to North Dakota? No. It's 50 fucking mullah. It's cold. Oh, my God. I wanted to come down here and, like, come out here and not be nervous. That's bullshit. My legs wouldn't stop shaking walking over here. Hell, yeah. God dang. It's okay. It's okay. Soon you'll be as stable as a steel shit jack. Let's check in the Jimmy Carr here. Are you having an allergic reaction? Because you seem to have, you sort of, I don't know how to describe it, but I think you've been stung by something. And I think whatever it was was racist. No, no. I love it. How many black friends do you have? Well, all of them. Okay, how many? Give me a ballpark here. One. One. What's his name? Shout out to Rufus. His name is. Is really Rufus? It's really Rufus. I googled it and there's like Rufus Thomas and there's another Rufus. There's a Rufus Thomas, Rufus Thomas of the Rufus Thomas band. Right, twice from, yeah, yeah. I had to Google it. I know that shit. Yeah, no, that's a thing. I know about that from the movie Kill Bill 2. Samuel L. Jackson plays a musician in a wedding chapel. And he played with at one point the Rufus Thomas of the Rufus Thomas band. Now, damn, I tell Rufus about that. Yeah. How did you meet Rufus? I have to know how you and Rufus met. This sounds like a fucking CNN documentary. He was the only black guy in North Dakota, not North Dakota, but like in the whole place, he hired this one black guy. And he was from Chicago, and his name was Rufus, so I'd go meet him. And he is as cool as a fan. He's my buddy. Yeah. That's what happens when you meet black people. You were assigned to work with him. It wasn't a choice originally. That's kind of true. Yeah. That's kind of true. It's true. It's true. I got you there. What's your, what do you like to do for fun, Robert? You're 14 months off while you quit drinking with your friends, but you drink alone now, am I correct? I don't drink much anymore. I've been on a life-changing journey for about a year and a half. Okay, tell us about this life-changing journey. I'm very excited about it. You ever heard of Trimbolling? Tromboli? No, no, Trimbolling. That's stuff that made Crispin' Waihanging's little retarded kid. Oh my goodness. What I'm talking about? Say it one more time. Trimbolling. Yep. Nope. We don't know about that. There you go. We don't know about that. Trimblown. We're as senseless as a shit jack over here. Just go ahead and tell us what that is exactly. Well, that is anabolic of steroid. And you're on it. Yeah, I didn't take it today, though, because I thought I'd be nervous. Yeah, you don't want to be nervous out here. Makes you sweat and look like your thumb. Look at you. You're drier than a fucking wet wash cloth up here. Yeah, ma. Yep. Soking wet. Yep. I'm excited. You didn't take your steroids today. So what happens when you do take your steroids, Robert? But it's like muscle mess, what I call it. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're not stripping copper. You're pumping iron. Looking at the window for the cops, but if they're out there, you go see what the fuck they want. Yeah. And the cops, yeah, yeah. I bet the cops love you. It's like, when you go out and talk to the cops, it's like that Spider-Man meme where they're all pointing at each other. Just out there looking for the other Rufus in the neighborhood. You know what I mean? We don't like them, Rufusis. No, no. He's my boy. I like that. No, I know. I'm joking. He's a boy. You have any kids or anything? You ever been married? I got four kids. Four kids? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. How old's the youngest? 13. Okay. How old's the oldest? 31. Wow. Is the 31-year-old doing good? Doing great, yeah. Okay. Everyone's happy. Everybody's happy. How about the 13-year-old? How, like, you... He's tearing up all my shit. Well, I bet he's getting into your steroids while you're out playing comedian at night time. No, no. We've already had to talk about the steroids. We don't talk about what happens at home, you know? Wow. Okay. Oh, my God. Baby crying? You got a baby crying out there? You got it. There it is. There it is. Okay, all right, Red Band. That's enough. It's out of control. Jimmy, what do you think about this guy? I feel like we're friends now. I mean, I just want to hear more. It's fascinating. What would you like to hear? Did we know what you do for a living? What's your day job? Oh, I work in the oil field. I take the drill cuttings that comes out of the hole, put the frack fluid on it, the Democrats say it causes cancer, but I'm fine. And I haul it to who's going to? Did you say the Democrats say it causes cancer? In California. You ain't read that shit? It probably causes cancer, dude. I'm disaffodal. I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, if they're saying it causes cancer, that means they knew about it like 20 years ago. All right, so that's what you do. They do giger meter every load. Mm-hmm. To check for nuclear... Yeah. Yeah. Radiation. You can fuck with them with a nanopoea. You can't... You can... What? Oh, a banana peel? You can fuck with them. You put it in there and it pops off the little giger meter. Banana peel makes a geiger meter go off. Yeah. I do not know that. It does. Jimmy. Sorry, I asked what you did for a living. No clearer to an answer there. Oh, I... I drive a truck and I hauled drill cuttings. What they take out of the ground, I haul to the disposal. Oh, okay. It drives a truck. Yep. Probably. If you're in a hurry, just say I drive a truck. Oh, I don't have nowhere to be. I love it. You're a very, very interesting guy. I think you're a funny dude, you know? You got to get it to, you got to put it together. You know, a whole minute on, you know, people don't really want to picture you getting your prostate checked. You know what I mean? I didn't get a picture with it. That was my next question. I don't know how you knew that, but I wanted to see... I wanted to see what it looked like. But I like your style, man. Like I said, we have all different shapes and sizes of people signing up nowadays, and I like that. You came up here. Here's a medium joke book, my friend. Robert Lee. Thank you. Get it in tonight's bucket started. Very long interview. Very interesting guy. Very fun. And we're off and running. We are... Oh, there she is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, in real life, the real deal, a modern day Vana White. Half the years over, if your credit still needs work, the time is now. Kickoff makes building credits simple and affordable. Getting started with Kickoff just takes a few minutes right from your phone. It's just $1 for your first month, and there's no credit check, no hidden fees, and no interest. Users with credit under 600 grow an average of 86 points just by paying on time. Red Van? Join over 1 million users already building their credit with Kickoff, with hundreds of thousands of positive reviews. There's a reason why Kickoff is the number one credit builder on the App Store. That's right. So start building credit with Kickoff today and get your first month for as little as $1. That's 80% off the normal price when you go to getkickoff.com slash kiltony today. That's Kickoff without the seed. GetK-I-K-O-F-F dot com slash Kill Tony. Sign up for via, getkickoff.com slash kiltony. to activate offer. Offer applies to new kickoff customers first month only. Subject to approval, offer, subject to change. Average first year credit score impact of plus 86 points between August 2024 and August 22. 0.5 for kickoff credit account users who started with a score below 600 who paid on time and who had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during the period. Late payments may negatively affect your credit score. Individual results may vary. All right, here we go. Speaking of lovely ladies, it's our first female comedian of the night. Make some noise for Lauren Baker, everybody. Here we go. Oh, man. When I was waiting to sign up here, waiting in a pub, a man came up to me and tried to sign up on my comedy notebook. He was so certain that I was the list that he's tried to sign up five minutes early. Like, I know I have clipboard energy, but that's a bit excessive. Anyway, clipboard energy, I do have it, whether or not you can tell. Picture me in a psychiatric facility. This is a game I invented. So I would try to find a little spot that looked like a UFO or a UAP. Okay? hop on it and go like this. This is a game I invented when I was balls deep in psychosis. Did I mention I was a patient? Picture me in red scrubs, light blue grippy socks. This game was called Deadpool Pans Labyrinth. I know you're thinking. You see no Deadpool in it. I thought about Rosebud Baker. She's a comedian. One of her sisters died in a hot tub. I thought about her the whole time. Okay. Lauren Baker has made her Tony debut. Welcome, Lauren. How are you? Oh, I am excellent. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? So the first time was when I was 19, so 14 years if you go from that, but most of that has been off. Right. It seems like you were doing some things in between then and now. Okay. What do you do for work, Lauren? I help people accomplish things they've been putting off. What exactly do you mean? I hold space for people to process. feelings and also hold them accountable for productivity. I'm a coach. Okay. Jimmy. I'm loving these faces. Give it to me, buddy. I think, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I think you should try stand up. I love that. I think, I like the energy, and there seems to be a lot of story here somewhere. Yeah. We need jokes. You know what? You had great ideas. I don't know what was going on, but it wasn't jokes. You want to know what was going on? What was going on? Oh, my God. So I spent all day prepping one set, okay? I'm here with my boyfriend, who's also comic, and another friend. I spent like five hours prepping my one-minute set. And then when we're here, my partner was like, are you going to do the Deadpool Pans Labyrinth? You should do that. And I've done it one time so far. And I was like, fuck, he's got good intuition. Like, he could be right. And I wrote a new untested set. So a couple of things. Firstly, leave him. He's bad for you. You could do so much better. What was the joke in the original set? Yeah. What would be the joke that you've done before that's worked? Yep. Tall men aren't more attractive. They're just easier to find in a crowd. It's a risk management technique. You want me to do all of it? Because I'm going to take me a second to remember the whole minute I planned. If you don't have it memorized, then no, we won't make you do it. We're asking like... It's memorized somewhere. Just keep talking. How often do you do this? How often do you try stand-up? So for the past, I've really like gotten back into the past like seven months and would do depending on the week like one to four. Okay. And you don't have like a minute that you like. I do absolutely have a minute. I have so many minutes. Again, I just threw it out last minute. And then literally while I was waiting to be called, I was like, there's so many people here. There's no way I'm going to get called. I'll just put my notebook away. Chill out. And then they literally. But then when you did and you had a little like a few minutes probably back there, right? You're like, okay. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about what happened. the signups for like 20 seconds and then I'm going to do an impression of what I did when I was at a mental hospital for the next 40 seconds. You know, I understand the opinion. I super appreciate the feedback. It's not even feedback. I'm just, I'm not even giving feedback. I'm just saying what you did, what you did. Oh, you were absolutely giving me feedback and I'm no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm saying what you did. Feedback would