James, Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls

Joe and James Fact Up

Recorded live from Alex James' Big Feastival, Joe and James navigate the nerves of a live performance while sharing behind-the-scenes anecdo

Key takeaways

• James discusses the discomfort of wearing a mildew-scented jacket left in his car all summer.
• The 'Punbelievables' segment features puns regarding Eeyore and Eminem's initials.

Main topics

• Big Feastival Live
• Punbelievables

Notable quotes

This is a podcast loosely about facts, but it's more about the chats.

Conclusion

An energetic live performance that showcases the hosts' improvisationa

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:01) Before we dive into this episode of Joe and James Facked Up, I've got some essential listening you need to get in your queue. Summer might be over, but that doesn't mean you can't start planning your next getaway. Chelsea and James on the Holiday Expert Show have got you covered with details on whether now's the right time to book next year's trip to get the best price. And if you're after something a little more niche, their latest episode has got you covered there too, including the details of a trip to Italy for a fun run involving tiramisu. That sounds messy. So once you're all facked up, search for the Holiday Expert Show to play next. We're recording. Speaker 2 (0:36) Right. How do we get into this episode? Right, so this Speaker 3 (0:41) episode. Speaker 2 (0:42) It's Speaker 3 (0:42) a Speaker 2 (0:42) very special episode, this. We are currently backstage. I think behind the stage. Backstage, that's what they call it in the biz, didn't they? We're backstage at the moment at Alex James' big feastival. Yeah. And after we finish talking here, you're going to hear what we got up to on stage, which is really exciting. It's the first time that we've done Joe and James Facts Up live. We're Speaker 3 (1:08) in front of a live audience. How are you feeling, Joe? Pretty nervous, actually. It's nerve-wracking, isn't it? It's a big audience in there. It's nerve-wracking. Do you know what's Speaker 2 (1:16) putting me off right now? Yeah. Right? Is I can smell my jacket. Speaker 3 (1:20) Yeah. Now, what's happened there? Speaker 2 (1:22) I'm wearing a jacket that I haven't worn since... It's raining, by the way. It's the first time that it's rained for months. Yeah. And I'm wearing a jacket that I use to take my dog for a walk. And I've left it in the boot of my car for the whole summer. The last time I wore it, it was raining. Took it off, put it in the boot of the car. And I don't think it dried out. I think it just got a bit... It's just... It's really kicking up Speaker 3 (1:47) a bit. You put it in an environment that you'd put... like a cheese if you were making a wheel of rock for or something. Speaker 3 (1:56) And it's now warming up, obviously, on your body. And is that helping the smell? No, Speaker 2 (2:02) every now and again I get a little whiff of sort of mildew. And it's a shame, really, because I've got no other jacket with me. It's the only jacket I brought with me. I've got all that in the car. I know where that is. I can grab that when I need it. You Speaker 3 (2:15) can't trust stuff that lives in the car. You can't, can you? You don't know what you're dealing with there. Speaker 2 (2:19) You can't trust people that live in their car either. No, I Speaker 3 (2:21) don't like the bloke in our car. Speaker 3 (2:24) He's really aggressive. Speaker 2 (2:26) Yeah. Speaker 1 (2:28) Yeah. Speaker 2 (2:30) Nude a lot of the time as well. Speaker 3 (2:32) Well, no, you know, he takes the piss out of my parking as well. Speaker 2 (2:35) Yeah. That's Speaker 3 (2:37) what Speaker 2 (2:37) really annoys me. Shall I get my grandma to help you out? Yeah, it's Speaker 3 (2:40) mean. And then obviously I panic and it gets even worse. Speaker 2 (2:43) Yeah. We've actually got a special little guest joining us right now. This is, my daughter is here. Speaker 3 (2:52) Now Speaker 2 (2:52) she's run away. I knew that was going to happen. I knew that was going to happen. Me and Claire got our kids on our podcast once. And you know what kids are like. They're always there. They're always noisy. They're always around. And then as soon as you say, do you want to say something? And then they go, no, Speaker 1 (3:10) no, I'm too shy. Speaker 3 (3:12) Live performance. Everyone thinks they can do it. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone can do it. Not Speaker 2 (3:17) everyone can do the old live performance. But luckily... Luckily, the audience that are here right now, they're in a safe pair of hands. Speaker 3 (3:23) Well, they believe that we can. Forehand. They're Speaker 2 (3:27) about to find Speaker 3 (3:28) out Speaker 2 (3:28) whether Speaker 3 (3:28) that's true. Speaker 2 (3:29) Yeah. But me and Joe, to be honest, Joe, I'm feeling a bit like a kid who's been asked to say something right now. I'm a bit giddy. I'm a bit nervous. I'm a bit excited. Well, Speaker 3 (3:42) we've done a year of the whole pod just in the studio. And obviously now when I'm going into that, I'm like. too cool for school. Yeah, just whatever. Yeah. You know, I'm barely even awake. Oh, God. Speaker 2 (3:52) Listen, I couldn't be bothered when we Speaker 3 (3:54) started doing it. Speaker 2 (3:55) Whereas Speaker 3 (3:55) this, this Speaker 2 (3:56) is Speaker 3 (3:57) live. This is giving us Speaker 2 (3:59) a bit Speaker 3 (3:59) of Speaker 2 (4:00) a shot in the arm. Speaker 3 (4:01) I think maybe, yeah. This is like when a complacent British team goes to Europe and... Speaker 2 (4:06) JT. Speaker 3 (4:08) We've Speaker 2 (4:09) got to go, haven't Speaker 3 (4:09) we? Speaker 2 (4:09) The Speaker 1 (4:09) hour Speaker 2 (4:09) is upon us. Here we go. Speaker 3 (4:11) They're about to Speaker 2 (4:11) blow the whistle. We're about to go over the top like we did in our... audition for War Horse. What was it? Was it War Horse? It was War Horse. Speaker 3 (4:20) They went in a different direction in the end. They did, yeah. With both parts. Speaker 2 (4:24) Listen, he's a coward. I've always said this about Spielberg. He's a coward. Speaker 3 (4:28) He won't take a chance. Speaker 2 (4:30) He got some good actors to be in his film. Anyone can do that. I've said this about Nolan. Speaker 3 (4:36) I've Speaker 2 (4:36) said the same thing about Nolan. Everyone thinks Nolan's so great. Yeah, look at the cast. Look at the people that he gets to be in his films. Any chef can cook with the finest ingredients. Nolan, Speaker 3 (4:44) try Speaker 2 (4:44) and do a film with me, mate. And let's see. And then if that film's also a masterpiece, then yeah, I will say good director. Nolan's proved nothing. No, he's the Pep Guardiola of the film industry. He's just some bloke. He just turns up. He goes to whatever club's got the most money, builds the best team. And then once things get a little bit tough, he goes. Speaker 1 (5:06) Oh, I'm burnt out. I'm burnt out now. Speaker 2 (5:11) I've been scratching my head on the sidelines and I've made myself bleed and now I've got to leave. Speaker 3 (5:18) Pathetic. Speaker 2 (5:19) Pathetic. Guardiola, Spielberg, rubbish as far as I'm concerned. You deserve each Speaker 3 (5:23) other. Speaker 2 (5:23) You deserve each other. I hope you're happy together. Yeah. I hope you're happy together. Right, Joe, should we go and should we do this show? Let's go. Let's get out there. Speaker 3 (5:45) Joe and James, fight on! Speaker 2 (5:47) Let's change gears very quickly. Let's relax a bit, shall we? That was a bit much. Yeah. It's Speaker 3 (5:57) also quite funny, it's like, here they come! And then we come on and it's like... I Speaker 2 (6:02) get that all the time. People come up to me in the street, they're like, it's fucking... I'm sorry, I will swear, by the way. That was quick. Speaker 3 (6:07) That was quick. Just say that. That was quick. Speaker 2 (6:10) Also, what does it mean Speaker 3 (6:11) to use your discretion? What are you supposed to do? Speaker 3 (6:14) I pull their ears off. But people go to it. Just figure it out. It's Jay from the Speaker 2 (6:19) Inbetweeners. He's going to be doing something mental. What are you up to? And I go, well, I've got the dry cleaning to pick up and I've got kids need picking up in about half an hour and their soul dies. That's it. That's the look. I can see it all on your faces now. Yeah. Speaker 3 (6:34) Don't look to James for like your hopes of a rock and roll lifestyle. If that's what Speaker 2 (6:38) you're thinking, oh, I could be Speaker 3 (6:39) like that and then I'm going to have an amazing life. Your life seems... Boring. No offence, boring. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Speaker 2 (6:46) But this is a live podcast. Does anyone listen to Joe and James Facts Up? Does anyone? Speaker 3 (6:52) Yes, thank you. Speaker 2 (6:53) Thank God. But this is new for me and Joe. A lot of what we do on our podcast does get cut out. I'd say Speaker 3 (7:03) about 45 minutes gets cut out per episode. This Speaker 2 (7:06) set Speaker 3 (7:06) is 45 minutes long, so... We usually have Speaker 2 (7:10) managers run onto the set and go, right, move on, guys. Come on, we can't, you know. Yeah, Speaker 3 (7:14) seen it happen. Speaker 2 (7:15) Seen it happen. Did any of my P. Diddy stuff get in the episode? No. No. Lily may say no. Speaker 1 (7:22) No. Speaker 2 (7:24) It was funny stuff. It was some good stuff. Oh, anyway, how is everyone? Speaker 2 (7:34) Good. Bit rainy, isn't it? I haven't had rain for ages. Yeah, it's like a little trick to Speaker 3 (7:40) get our audience up. Speaker 3 (7:43) Presumably quite a lot of people just don't want to be here. They're like, Speaker 2 (7:45) it's just dry. Yeah. Speaker 3 (7:46) See, this is a good test. If this is so bad that people are going back out there. Speaker 2 (7:50) Yeah. Speaker 3 (7:51) I mean, that is bad. Speaker 2 (7:52) I can see some people walking away. Off they go. Yeah, that's Speaker 3 (7:55) fine. That's all right. No, I think it's easing off, actually. Yeah, it's definitely easing off. It's fine. Yeah. Also, can I just say, so one of these sort of recurring themes of the podcast is my shoes. Yeah. They've been the subject of mockery, I'd say, early on. Yeah. Because they were mucky, apparently. Yeah. So I feel like I've been goaded into buying new shoes. And these are like perfectly white, pristine new trainers. And then they make me walk across. They've got like hay on them. Bits of pig. Speaker 3 (8:30) Do you know what I mean? I can't get it right. You can't, mate. I would have been better off with my old ones. So I don't know what the Speaker 1 (8:37) lesson is there. I Speaker 3 (8:37) don't know why you didn't wear those. Never change. You've got old Speaker 2 (8:39) knackered Speaker 1 (8:40) shoes that you've worn for years. I Speaker 2 (8:42) know. Anyway, right, here we go. Welcome to Joe and James Fact Hub. Speaker 3 (8:46) Yes, hello. Here we go. Speaker 2 (8:48) This is a podcast loosely about facts, but it's more about the chats. And we're coming today live from Feastival. Big Feastival, guys! Speaker 2 (9:01) And it's an anniversary or something. Speaker 2 (9:05) Can we turn Lily May's mic on? This is Lily May. This is Queen Lily May, by the Speaker 3 (9:09) way. Lily May is like the grown-up who sort of keeps us in line. And we also call her Queen Lily May because she is kind of the arbiter of truth. Like what she says. Speaker 2 (9:24) She reigns over the podcast. Speaker 3 (9:25) She reigns fairly and serenely over our podcast. I will say she did buy this outfit for herself. Speaker 1 (9:34) Because I'm the adult of the podcast. Yeah, Speaker 3 (9:36) she's an adult. Speaker 1 (9:37) So what's happening? Well, so for those who don't know, we started the podcast about a year ago. So I actually... Well, anyway, does anyone want to cheer for that? Speaker 3 (9:49) Thank you. It's not just anyone who can get a podcast going, you know. It's more or less everyone. Speaker 1 (9:56) Is it okay to ask for a cheer? Yeah. We're going to have to. We're going to have to. But I've actually brought you guys some gifts to celebrate our first anniversary. And I'm Speaker 3 (10:06) going Speaker 1 (10:06) to deliver them to you now. I will say, if you haven't heard the podcast, it might be a little bit confusing. But what might be fun is you guys explaining your gifts. I don't listen Speaker 2 (10:16) to the podcast, so I might find it confusing. Fingers crossed you Speaker 1 (10:19) remember. So, Joe, I'm going to deliver you your gift first. Oh, this is Speaker 2 (10:22) exciting. Speaker 2 (10:25) Everyone cheer! Speaker 3 (10:27) Let's have a... You know, a drum roll. There should be some drums, surely. So... Oh, music and everything. Yes, thank you. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Here is your Speaker 2 (10:37) gift. We're trying to explain. That's going to be impossible to explain. No, I Speaker 3 (10:41) can Speaker 2 (10:41) explain it. Go on. Speaker 3 (10:44) This is incredibly involved, but this is based on a dream I had. Speaker 3 (10:52) Where, I mean, there's no other way to do this other than to tell the entire story. Speaker 2 (10:57) Oh, Jesus. I had a Speaker 3 (11:00) dream. Speaker 2 (11:00) I could do it. I could do it Speaker 1 (11:02) in Speaker 2 (11:02) 30 seconds. Speaker 3 (11:02) No, no,