how sticky are you? attachment styles in dating

hot pursuit by AsianBossGirl

The hosts of Hot Pursuit explore the complexities of attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—within the context of mod

Key takeaways

• The four primary attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (fearful-avoidant).
• Avoidant individuals often use 'self-sabotage' by scanning for negatives or using logistical excuses to distance themselves when intimacy grows.

Main topics

• Attachment theory in dating
• Identifying relationship red flags

Notable quotes

Secure is just breaking patterns.

Conclusion

The episode serves as a vulnerable self-reflection on how understandin

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) And welcome back to Hot Pursuit, a podcast about creating conversations where nothing is off limits. We Speaker 3 (0:17) are in season four. Crazy. I'm Em. I'm Jen. And I'm Madeline. Season four is so ridiculous and it makes me laugh because I'm like, we started last September, September 2025, and now we're here. We're recording in July. 2026. It hasn't even been a year and we're already in season four. Speaker 2 (0:40) Crazy. What? We're already Speaker 3 (0:41) recording? We're Speaker 2 (0:42) actually coming up on our one year anniversary of recording for the first time because last July 4th. Should Speaker 3 (0:47) we have balloons? Oh, last July 4th was dressful. We worked. We worked all day. Speaker 2 (0:54) Yeah. So. Last July 4th was our first time shooting ever. We had a photo shoot with the ABG girls, which went out on socials. And then we had our first recording session in Spotify. And July 4th was the day before that. So we spent the whole day trying to go to stores before they closed and get all of our supplies for the shoot. And it was so stressful. Yeah. Speaker 1 (1:18) So we were joking that this July 4th. We got to rest. No, Speaker 2 (1:22) you were saying, why Speaker 3 (1:23) don't we just commemorate by working again? Speaker 2 (1:26) That's probably what I said. Speaker 3 (1:30) But here we are. New, improved. We have cue cards. Very professional. They're Speaker 2 (1:37) blank. Speaker 3 (1:38) Well, don't give it away. Speaker 3 (1:42) My printer was broken, so we couldn't. So guys, what are we talking about today? Speaker 1 (1:48) Attachment styles in dating. Oh my gosh. Starting off with a juicy topic. Speaker 3 (1:54) We always say that at the beginning of every episode. We're all like, guys, it's going to be a juicy topic. This is going to be spicy. If you listen to the intro of any one of our episodes, like, guys, we're talking about a juicy topic today. Speaker 1 (2:06) But you know the ones we don't say that for? What, work? Any Speaker 3 (2:08) of the Speaker 1 (2:08) career and work. Yeah. Speaker 3 (2:12) Work is not juicy. Work is not spicy. We're not excited to talk about work. Distress, work is tears. But thank God we're not talking about work today. We're talking about dating. We're talking about how our attachment styles, whatever you are, may manifest in your dating relationships through expectations, through disappointments. And we have so many personal stories we're ready to share with you guys. Speaker 3 (2:37) So when we say attachment styles, what does that mean? What are the different attachment styles that we have? Speaker 1 (2:42) So there are four primary attachment styles. They're secure, which is the goal. Raise your Speaker 3 (2:48) hand if you're secure. A. At least one of us. She's reached the goal. We got one of us. Please Speaker 1 (2:54) help us all. Speaker 3 (2:54) We didn't used to be. She has achieved a completion. Speaker 1 (2:58) There's anxious. Speaker 3 (3:00) Present. Speaker 1 (3:01) There's avoidant. Present. And there's anxious avoidant. Also. That's a fascinating one. Yeah. Also Speaker 2 (3:08) deemed as disorganized. Disorganized. And fearful avoidant. And fearful avoidant. Per my Google search. Speaker 3 (3:15) Yeah. That just sounds like they don't know what they want. Speaker 3 (3:19) Like pick one. Pick a disorder. You Speaker 1 (3:23) think they can help their childhood? Yeah. All right. So secure attachment. The description is, this is according to Google, so like, it's probably reliable enough. It's probably so Speaker 3 (3:33) accurate. Yeah. Anything that you Google. Speaker 1 (3:36) Comfortable with both intimacy and independence, they trust easily, communicate effectively, and handle conflicts constructively. It Speaker 3 (3:43) might be nice. It might be nice. I'm trying to get like you, my boy. Speaker 1 (3:48) Anxious attachment. Craves high levels of closeness, but harbors a deep fear of abandonment or rejection. Oh, yeah. They often require frequent reassurance and may become overly dependent on their partner's validation. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Speaker 3 (4:01) Does that fit? Uh-huh. Do you feel reticent? Okay, I'm next. I'm Speaker 1 (4:06) next. Speaker 3 (4:06) Yeah. Let me read it. Okay. Okay. Avoidant attachment, also known as dismissive avoidant, prioritizes extreme self-reliance and psychological independence. They often feel suffocated or uncomfortable with excessive emotional or physical closeness and may withdraw when relationships become vulnerable. Speaker 1 (4:29) Yikes. Rent-a-filled, rent-a-filled. Speaker 3 (4:31) And then last, you can finish it off. Speaker 1 (4:34) Okay, the last one is disorganized attachment. Also called anxious avoidant, fearful avoidant. Desires intimacy but simultaneously fears it. They struggle with emotional regulation and often anticipate rejection or betrayal. Oh. Speaker 3 (4:51) Anticipate rejection or betrayal. That sounds like a rough one. How is that different from anxious? I Speaker 1 (4:57) was thinking that this sounds like me too. Speaker 3 (4:59) Yeah. No, it sounds like me too. Speaker 1 (5:01) Okay, Speaker 3 (5:01) so it is a good combo. Or a bad combo. One Speaker 1 (5:03) of my good friends is this one and they basically vacillate. between avoidant and anxious. So they're anxious and then they'll be avoidant because they're anxious. And then after they're avoidant for a period of time, they'll come back and be really anxious. So it's a vacillating. Speaker 3 (5:17) Rocking a hard place. Yikes. Speaker 1 (5:20) You get Speaker 3 (5:20) both. You get both. You get the fear and you get to run away. It's a push and pull and you're the only one pushing and pulling. So which one are you, listener? Which one are you? I'm Speaker 2 (5:32) curious Speaker 3 (5:32) to see what the spread is. Speaker 1 (5:34) Oh, yeah. Speaker 3 (5:34) Like the percentage of people in the population? Yeah. What do you think? Speaker 2 (5:40) I don't know. No one's Speaker 3 (5:41) secure. Speaker 2 (5:41) It's Speaker 3 (5:42) always Speaker 2 (5:42) really rare if you find a Speaker 3 (5:44) secure Speaker 2 (5:44) person. How did you get there? It's rare to start secure. But to become secure, like, is feasible for anyone if you put in the work. Speaker 1 (5:54) You have to have a really stable family. How Speaker 3 (5:55) do Speaker 1 (5:55) you start secure? I know someone who's secure, like, from childhood. It's really Speaker 3 (6:00) incredible to see. Unicorn. Like, were their Speaker 1 (6:02) parents really affirming? Speaker 3 (6:04) From Speaker 1 (6:05) what I've observed in their family dynamic, it was like the parents knew when to communicate boundaries and discipline while still affirming love and connection. And those two things were not always. having to be interwoven together. So if you messed up, you weren't like, do they love me anymore? It's like, I love you, but I want better for you. And this is not okay. Speaker 2 (6:21) What is this person's dating life right now look like? They're Speaker 1 (6:24) married. Speaker 2 (6:24) And how old were the parents when they had them? I'm Speaker 3 (6:27) wondering if they were older. Later in life, actually. Yeah. And that's why I'm going to have my first child when I'm 40. They're going to have the best mother. Speaker 3 (6:40) Because I think there's like so many things about being experienced and being like well-rounded and grounded in who you are as a person before having children. And Speaker 2 (6:50) having life experience as well. Yeah. Not a child raising a child. Yeah, exactly. Speaker 3 (6:56) Maybe we all just need to be Speaker 2 (6:57) older. We're on to something. Speaker 3 (7:00) Yeah, we're on to something. Society's moving in Speaker 1 (7:02) a Speaker 3 (7:02) strange way. I'm going to dust off my eggs and I'm going to have a really nice child. In my midlife. Speaker 2 (7:10) I might be old and craggly, but they will be healthy. Yeah. They're going to have an old, secure mom. And they will be secure. Yes. Speaker 3 (7:20) But that's not her right now. Speaker 2 (7:21) So sorry, Speaker 3 (7:23) kids. Can't attest. Yeah. Some of you will still be periods. Speaker 1 (7:28) And with that... You know those pieces in your closet that you just keep wearing again and again and again? That top you always feel fabulous in, the jeans you know will always fit just right, or the bag you wear with everything. Those are the pieces that earn a permanent place in your wardrobe. And that's exactly what Quince does so well. Quince makes elevated, Speaker 2 (7:52) everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and washable silk. The designs are timeless, thoughtfully crafted, and made to be worn again and again. Speaker 1 (8:05) There's this chocolate brown ribbed one-shoulder top that I wear all the time. I can dress it up with earrings and some kitten heels for a night out, or I can dress it down with jeans and white sneakers for a weekend brunch. There's so much that Quince has to offer. They Speaker 2 (8:22) also have premium stretch denim, leather bags and footwear, and beautiful 14-carat gold jewelry that can be the finishing touch that pulls an entire look together. Speaker 1 (8:31) Find the fall pieces that you'll reach for most at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash hotpursuit. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E. dot com slash hot pursuit but Speaker 2 (8:58) we have prepared a section called red flag or not Speaker 3 (9:04) So we just say like if we're a red flag or... These Speaker 2 (9:08) are behaviors of different attachment styles. Okay. Speaker 1 (9:12) Yeah. Generally we think it's a red flag or not. And then if you would like to self-disclose if you do this or not, you can do that too. Oh, yeah. Speaker 3 (9:20) Yeah, I will. We're being called to vulnerability. Speaker 1 (9:23) Okay. Texting every day. Speaker 3 (9:26) Yes. I do that. Is that a red flag? Speaker 1 (9:29) No. I don't think so. Speaker 2 (9:31) No. Oh, wait, this is in dating, right? Dating, dating. Oh. Is it? Okay. Speaker 1 (9:35) It depends, though. Immediately different. Speaker 3 (9:37) Like, is it, are you expecting texting every day or are you texting every day? I think that's fine. I Speaker 2 (9:44) think it's okay. We're all addicted to our phones. This is normal behavior. Yeah, Speaker 1 (9:47) this Speaker 2 (9:47) is very normal. Yeah. I think it's okay. I will say texting while you're dating in your 20s and 30s is so different. Like texting is so lame right now. Speaker 1 (9:56) Yeah. But like you kind of have to do it, you know? Yeah. Let's just meet up in person. Let's just FaceTime. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Never admitting to actually liking them. Oh my gosh. Speaker 3 (10:12) Like, so you go into, you date someone and you never admit that you actually like them to yourself? Speaker 1 (10:17) No, it's more just like, I'm hesitant to be like, ooh, I like them. I'll be like, oh, we're still feeling it out. I'm still getting to know them, even though I clearly like them. Speaker 3 (10:27) Why Speaker 1 (10:28) though? Speaker 3 (10:28) Red flag for Speaker 1 (10:29) sure. Yeah, why? Speaker 1 (10:31) It makes it more real. It feels Speaker 3 (10:33) vulnerable. It feels like you've cracked open your chest a little bit. Yeah. Speaker 1 (10:37) And then it also means that what the outcome is actually matters to you versus if you're just like, I'm holding off whether I like them or not, then it buys time to like. Speaker 2 (10:47) No accountability. Yeah. Speaker 1 (10:49) So Speaker 2 (10:49) it's less about rejection and more about the success of the outcome. Speaker 1 (10:53) No, I think it's just vulnerable. Yeah. Is Speaker 2 (10:56) that a red flag? Yeah. Okay. Speaker 3 (10:59) Conversely, I hate admitting that I like someone because I'm afraid they'll reject me. Oh, so yours is rejection based? Yes. Mine is vulnerability based. Oh, I don't mind being vulnerable. I'm just like, no, I Speaker 1 (11:12) want Speaker 3 (11:12) you to say, are you going to be careful with my heart? Speaker 1 (11:16) So yours is like – Speaker 3 (11:17) It's a trust thing. Speaker 1 (11:18) Yours is about their response to you admitting you like them. Yeah. And mine is – Speaker 3 (11:22) I already know my stance, but you reject your stance. Or you don't reject your stance. I don't even give the opportunity. Yeah. You're Speaker 1 (11:31) like, la-di-da. Yep. Okay. The next one is I need space. If someone says I need space. That's me all day. Speaker 3 (11:38) I think that's fine. Give me space. I think that's boundaries. Speaker 3 (11:43) The duration of space could indicate if it's a red flag or not. Speaker 1 (11:48) And when and how it's communicated. Like if you're in the middle of a fight and you're like, I need space. That's good. I think that's healthy. Okay. Green. Duration, probably. Not being phased by no text. Oh, Speaker 3 (12:04) that's not me. Speaker 1 (12:09) You're Speaker 2 (12:09) not phased, right? Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Don't text me. Speaker 3 (12:13) I literally have to tell myself like, it's okay that they're not texting me. That doesn't mean they don't love me. That doesn't mean they're not