Glittering a Turd: Maren Sheldon on Parenting Through Grief and Celebrating Her Twin's Life

Happy Mum

In this moving episode of Happy Mum, Giovanna interviews Maren Sheldon about the profound experience of navigating motherhood while her twin siste

Key takeaways

• Chris Hallenga co-founded the breast cancer awareness charity CoppaFeel! at age 23 after a delayed diagnosis.
• Maren describes the unique 'superpower' and intense connection of being a twin.

Main topics

• Breast cancer awareness
• Grief and bereavement

Notable quotes

Being a twin is amazing. It's a superpower.

Conclusion

A poignant reflection on finding strength, purpose, and new beginnings

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:05) Hello and welcome to a brand new episode of Happy Mum. I cannot wait for you to listen to this week's episode. It's with Mara Sheldon. And there is so much history between me and Mara and I actually feel like I need to give you a proper introduction to her and how we know each other. So back in 2014, I met her wonderful sister, Chris, her twin sister, Chris. And the pair of them set up a charity called Copperfield, a breast cancer awareness charity targeting, it was literally created for young people to get to know their bodies. And the reason for that is that Chris, when she was 22, had symptoms of breast cancer. Well, symptoms that she knew wasn't quite right for her. And she went to the doctor at 22, was told it was nothing, it was just hormonal, just to, you know, go about your day, carry on. And that is what she did. She went travelling to China. Came back eight or ten months later, still had the symptoms. It got worse. Went back to her GP. Told, no, don't worry about it. Agree with what I said the first time, what the other doctor said. Definitely hormonal. Just carry on living your life. And her mum actually dragged her back up to the doctors. Chris then was referred to a breast cancer clinic. And at 23, Chris was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I think growing up, everyone just assumed, we were all told it was something that affected older women. It was always a lump. That is not the case. And they were so angry that it had been left so long, that it was stage four now, that they decided to make some change. And they made change in the most glorious way. And I think for anyone that doesn't know the origins of Copperfield, I think they need to know this because it tells you everything about what the charity is. They started... by going to festivals and literally face painting different people that were going past. They'd have this tent, people would come in, get glitter put on their faces and then while they were doing that, they would talk to people about the signs and symptoms of breast cancer. If you're listening to this and go, well, I don't know the signs and symptoms of breast cancer. First of all, you can go to Copperfield, copperfield.org and find out everything in much more detail. But what I will say is that you are looking for any change in the breast area. Now, when I say breast area, I mean all the way up to your collarbone, into your armpit. You're looking for dimpling. puckering, you're looking for any change with the nipple, whether it's inverted, whether they've changed direction, whether there's discharge, you're looking for thickening, anything really that is not your normal. I met Chris in 2014. She just had this energy that you just wanted to be around. There was just this... ease with Chris. And Myron has the same thing. They're otherworldly. They're ethereal. They've just got this energy that draws you in. And I knew that I would do anything for Chris. In 2017, I embarked on my first trek for Copperfield with Myron. Myron came along as well. We had met previously. I think I should point this out. And maybe this is context for this chat as well, because when we did meet, Myron and Chris, who were obsessed with Neighbours, were having a Neighbours-inspired fancy dress party. I was heavily... pregnant at the time and I went as Harold Bishop and that was amazing and then many years later the Harold Bishop costume did absolutely come back out but in 2017 we went to Oman and that Oman trip absolutely changed the course of the following years for me. I now do five treks a year for Copperfield, I head them up for them and they are the most life-affirming thing ever. Speaker 1 (3:34) Sadly, back in May 24, after 15 years of living with incurable breast cancer, Chris died. Obviously, that has impacted so many of us. And grief is a funny old fish. And I cannot imagine what it is like to be a twin and lose the other half of you, Chris and Maren. They were a united force. So today on the episode, I wanted us to celebrate Chris because there's not enough spaces where we can just celebrate Chris. I wanted to celebrate Chris. I wanted to celebrate Myron. What it's like to have a child when your twin is your everything and there's going to be this new world that comes in. The joy, the hilarity, the... rawness of giving birth with your twin in the room and maybe her just kind of going, well, that was gross. All of that stuff. The big thing that I do want to talk about is that when Chris was alive, she wrote a book called Glittering a Turd. The publishers, they're no longer here, which meant that Chris's book was going to go out of print. Obviously, we can't have that happen. It's found a new home. And to celebrate the fact that it's got a new home, there is a foreword from Dawn French and Maren has added extra chapters to the end of the book. I listened to the audiobook and what the audiobook gives you is a beautiful insight into Chris's funeral, which was a celebration of her life. It was a living funeral. When the invite came through, the word fun in funeral. was massive. In the audiobook, we hear Chris's speech. I cannot tell you how many times I keep listening to that speech because it is... Speaker 1 (5:18) It's beautiful. And I think hearing your friend say, I have loved my life, when they're no longer here, is something that I treasure continuously. And I know that I have that on repeat in my brain quite a lot. I have loved my life. To just keep me kind of focused and making sure that I am doing the things that actually do give me meaning and purpose. And I'm not just getting swept up in whatever life is doing. It's a real... gorgeous conversation of what it is to love, to grieve, and to really create something that is advocating for all of the generations to come, that's saving lives on a scale that I don't think they ever would have expected it to have when they first started. Yeah, listen to this and just get swept away in the tale of two sisters, their connection. the way that they conducted themselves in the toughest of times. I didn't write anything down Speaker 2 (6:19) during that time. So to actually have the time to sit and reflect and then put those feelings into words. I know I'm going to look back on these words and be so glad that I did. I know I am, because it was such a precious time in my life, like such a huge, poignant time in my life. I guess also the timing of this has worked out so that I've had the time to consider, too. It's not like immediately after she died I'm starting to write, you know, it's because those feelings are so raw. I'm still processing so much. I'm still trying to work out what it is I'm actually feeling. Speaker 2 (6:59) So obviously we had the film came out in the October after she died and I was answering questions about her death within weeks of her dying. And I remember thinking, oh, Speaker 1 (7:09) I don't Speaker 2 (7:10) know. I felt like from week to week I was feeling different things and I was so worried that next week I was going to be thinking something completely different. Speaker 2 (7:23) It was just the most turbulent time and I don't think there was enough time for me to really consider what it was I was actually going through. So now, having had the privilege of time, I feel like I've been able to... But Speaker 1 (7:38) timing is everything. I always think if anyone asked me a question today, my answer would be very different tomorrow. So when it comes to something like grief, it makes complete sense that our answers would absolutely be different. Speaker 2 (7:50) So Speaker 1 (7:50) it just... encapsulates what it is that you're feeling at that precise moment doesn't mean that it's going to be stuck there forever. Speaker 2 (7:58) Yeah, I know. And I think that's okay. I think it's okay to throw out, this is how I feel today, and to then reflect on that and go, maybe I did, but wrapped up in that was anger or despair and hormones, you know? Lots of different pockets of feelings. Speaker 2 (8:20) I hope that what I've written now is perhaps a more broad view of everything that happened around that sort of time for me and a reflection, a bit more of a real reflection of how it was. Can Speaker 1 (8:33) we talk about your childhood? Yes, we've come to talk about it. Speaker 1 (8:42) How was your childhood? What was it like being a twin? Oh, being a twin is the best. Speaker 2 (8:50) Just the best. I know she said this, she definitely said this at some point, but she always felt sorry for people that weren't twins. Because being a twin is amazing. It's a superpower. You're born with a mate, but you're born with someone that always has your back, but also brings you back down to earth. It's a reassurance. It's a dependence. It's all these things that I don't think I quite realised I had until she was gone because it was just always there. But growing up, I'm one of three, so I have a big sister as well. She was nearly two when we came along and ruined her life. Poor Micah. She came to the hospital after we were born and looked up at my mum and said, which one are we taking? Speaker 2 (9:38) Surely we're not having both of these. It's Speaker 1 (9:40) a bit much. Speaker 2 (9:41) And, yeah, and we came along and I think we just, yeah, Speaker 1 (9:47) we just caused chaos. And you grew up in Germany? Speaker 2 (9:51) Yeah, born in Germany. My dad being German and my mum English. And, yeah, I grew up in North Germany. Beautiful childhood. Like, very wholesome, I would say. Speaker 2 (10:04) I went to school when we were seven. Oh, nice. Yeah, so we went to kindergarten and there was a lot of play and building dens, spending so much time outside, biking everywhere. Yeah, a very idyllic childhood in Germany. And then my parents divorced when we were 10 and my mum wanted to come back to England. So we moved to the Midlands. and got thrown into British school life and we felt like such aliens. But Speaker 1 (10:34) you must have spoken English because your mum was English. Well, so our Speaker 2 (10:38) mum always spoke English to us and Speaker 1 (10:39) we Speaker 2 (10:40) understood English and we could speak English but we always Speaker 1 (10:42) chose to speak German. Speaker 2 (10:43) So we arrived at these little German twins to this junior school and, yeah, I mean, we just looked so odd and sounded odd and really alienated ourselves because we would... solely speak German to each other. But because it felt so weird to not. Speaker 1 (11:02) And I Speaker 2 (11:02) don't remember the day we decided to start speaking English to each other. But we must have done one day because I'm way more fluent in English now than I am German, obviously. And did you stop talking German to each other? Wow. I know. Yeah. It would be, it's so funny. It must have been a phased thing. I don't remember one day just going, guys, come on, should we just start speaking English? Like a baby Speaker 1 (11:27) who knows, suddenly knows how to walk. They phase out the crawling. They don't just suddenly walk everywhere. It's a gradual thing. So maybe that confidence. And also so weird to kind of go, I know if I have to speak to that person and I'm speaking to them in English, then it might be a bit broken. But to you, why would I speak to you in broken English when I can just talk to you in a way that is comfortable? Speaker 2 (11:46) Yeah, yeah. But I think... We probably realised that actually people were more inclined to join in our conversation if we were speaking their language. And I don't know, I guess it was just a natural progression of slotting into British school life. Yeah, one friend adopted us, Faye. She just took us under her wing. She's like, come on, this is how we do things over here. But it's just like the idea of uniform. you know, finishing so late in the day. We were always home at lunchtime in Germany and having lunch at home. And so having lunch at school, just all these things that, you know, when you're little and you start and that's just how it is. But suddenly you're like, no, this is, it's very different. And I remember being really worried about it. And I, we, Chris and I really struggled with it, but she more than me. Gosh, she just was, she was such a home girl. She just, she didn't like change. She really didn't like change. And so it was really hard for her to adjust, even though I was there. But Speaker 1 (12:47) I don't know, one day it just felt Speaker 2 (12:48) easier. Was Speaker 1 (12:50) that the general, especially when you were younger, was that the general set-up? Were you the one that was the reassuring one? Speaker 2 (12:56) I Speaker 1 (12:56) think so, yeah. Speaker 2 (12:58) Yeah, and especially between the three of us. Micah was a bit more head in the sand, going to deal with it my own way over here. Speaker 2 (13:06) Chris was like, I'm so sad I'm losing my shit. And I'm like, come on, guys. Yeah, I think I probably was the more sort of level-headed. I guess I've always been the sort of more organised and perhaps see the more serious side of things. Speaker 2 (13:25) Yeah, the reality of the situation a bit more where she was a bit more like, come Speaker 1 (13:29) on, let's just do it. Speaker 2 (13:31) Worry about the consequences later. Yeah, I was always called the sensible twin. Okay. Speaker 1 (13:39) How did that sit? It doesn't sit well with me. Speaker 2 (13:43) But, like, people call me clipboard. I just, I love a clipboard. Like, I am, I think that's just who I am. I am an organised person. Speaker 1 (13:53) Being sensible is a bit boring, isn't it? Speaker 2 (13:55) Whereas she was like, oh, that's fun. Have a good lucky. Yeah. Speaker 1 (13:59) You hold it together. She glitters it. Speaker 2 (14:02) Yes. Speaker 1 (14:03) Yes. Like a seamless operation. Yeah. Yeah, we worked. Speaker 2 (14:08) We did work really well together. We were very different in a lot of ways, but worked really well together as Speaker 1 (14:15) a team. Speaker 2 (14:15) Did Speaker 1 (14:16) you always know that you wanted to be a mum? Speaker 2 (14:18) No. No. And I always envied those people that Speaker 1 (14:22) didn't. How do you know? How do Speaker 2 (14:24) you know for sure that you want to be a mum? Speaker 1 (14:27) I think when I was younger, I just, like, I loved playing with dolls. I just, I was maternal. I think that's just, I just assumed that I would have children. Speaker 2 (14:35) No. Speaker 1 (14:36) No, that was never an assumption of mine. When we were little, we never Speaker 2 (14:40) talked about growing up and having children. I think we just thought we'd always be little. We didn't idolise pop stars. We didn't... We weren't obsessed with, like, boy bands. We were obsessed with... We were obsessed with... ...penguins and polar bears. And we collected things. And we were children until we were... I feel like we developed quite late. Yeah. But I do think that's because of who we were together. Yeah. You Speaker 1 (15:10) know, Speaker 2 (15:10) because all of that was happening out there. We were sort of this untouchable little force over here doing our own thing and that was fine. Speaker 1 (15:16) Yeah. But Speaker 2 (15:17) did we never talk about, oh, when we grow up and while our kids hang out together, that was, we never said those words. I don't think I ever thought I'm never having kids either. I just, I don't think I even thought about it, if I'm totally honest. Speaker 1 (15:29) The here and now. Yeah, Speaker 2 (15:32) and I guess because Chris was diagnosed when Speaker 1 (15:35) we were 23, that's a really young age, at that point Speaker 2 (15:37) I definitely did not think, I definitely want to have children. Had you already Speaker 1 (15:41) met Graham at that point? Yeah, Speaker 2 (15:42) yeah. I knew it was serious with him. Speaker 1 (15:45) Yeah. Speaker 2 (15:45) We Speaker 1 (15:45) definitely were moving Speaker 2 (15:47) in that sort of very grown-up direction. Yeah. But then this major curveball of my sister's got this terminal secondary cancer diagnosis. Speaker 2 (16:00) Now life is almost like we have to live it immediately and there's this sort of impending expiry date and