Annabel Scholey on the Grief No-one Talks About After Divorce

Happy Mum

In this episode of Happy Mum, host Giovanna Fletcher interviews actress Annabelle Scully about navigating the profound grief that accompanies divorce while balancing a demanding acting

Key takeaways

• Annabelle Scully decided to divorce her first husband during the filming of Series 3 of The Split, relying heavily on co-stars like Fiona Shaw and Nicola Walker for emotional support.
• She experiences severe mummy guilt when separated from her daughter Marnie, describing the physical pain of missing half her child's life while working in locations like Barcelona.

Main topics

• Divorce grief and letting go of traditional family ideals
• Mummy guilt and co-parenting challenges

Notable quotes

"I find being away from her, I think also because of the divorce, I find it physically painful."

Conclusion

The episode delivers a raw, deeply relatable exploration of the emotional

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:05) Hello and welcome to a brand new episode of Happy Mum. Today's guest is the wonderful Annabelle Scully. You'll know her from The Split. I absolutely fangirl over her when we start talking about The Split. I am not embarrassed. I love that show. I'd happily go and watch it again tonight. In fact, when I leave the studio today, that's what I'm going to go do. I'm going to re-watch The Split. All right? No judgement. She's also been in Rivals, which is coming back this... She's in a new series called Winter, which is tipped to be the big one this autumn. She's just an amazing actress. And actually, when doing research, she hasn't really spoken a lot about being a mum and about family life. So going into this interview, I've got to say, I wasn't sure where we were going to go. I wasn't sure what we were going to get. I wasn't sure if maybe Annabelle was going to be a little bit more guarded. But it was such an easy chat. Annabelle talks about weighing up career and becoming a mum and how to navigate that. And we also talk quite a lot about divorce and navigating that and the grief that comes with divorce and saying goodbye to maybe this fantasy that we've carried in our head of what family life is going to look like. I absolutely adore her. Here she is. Here's me chatting to Annabelle. Speaker 3 (1:30) I love your podcast. Speaker 2 (1:31) Thank Speaker 3 (1:31) you. And Speaker 2 (1:32) my Speaker 3 (1:32) friend Fiona came on and she was like, you have to go on that. Because it's Speaker 2 (1:36) such an isolating place being a mum, I Speaker 3 (1:39) think, sometimes. And so I need to hear reality. Speaker 2 (1:45) I Speaker 3 (1:46) made friends with mums in my baby group when I lived in London and I picked the cynical ones on purpose. The ones who just told me how rubbish it was. Obviously they adored their kid, but I can't deal with that kind of, everything's perfect. Because it's not. Or if it is, it's not for me. And I found that really difficult. Yeah. Speaker 2 (2:12) That's so true. Talking about Fiona. I can say it now because you've brought her up. Yes. I'm such a massive fan of the split. I know you must get it so much. I love you in Rivals as well. Thanks. For a different role. Speaker 1 (2:24) For a Speaker 2 (2:25) very different role. I was saying earlier to the girls, I got a little bit upset. I was late to the party and then... binge watched it on my own and then found myself listening to the albums. I've got like a ride on Normo at home. So I had my headphones in listening to Olivia singing and kind of driving along cutting the grass. Olivia's music is beautiful. It's so beautiful. But then feeling it very, very deeply. Yeah, right. Speaker 3 (2:48) Sobbing. I'm Speaker 2 (2:48) just riding Speaker 3 (2:48) along, sobbing. Was this written for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Speaker 2 (2:52) it must feel quite surreal to... Because, I mean, you go through life working on different projects and then you... You go to one that just lands in such a different way. Speaker 3 (3:03) Yeah, it was, I mean, that part, that show was a really big deal for me. I feel like I've been, I've worked my whole career, which is brilliant, and I've done loads of different things, theatre, and I haven't been typecast, which is amazing. But it took me a really long time to break into TV. And I did some good stuff before Nina, but Nina was the one where I went, oh, my God. I taped and I spent ages on the tape. I had real wine in the tape. I was like, right, I'm just going to go for it. And actually it got given to somebody else. And so it went away. Yeah, it went away. I was like, can I audition for Rose? And they were like, no, no, no, you are Nina. You're not Rose. I mean, they'd cast button by then anyway. But it then came back. She didn't want to do it. Speaker 3 (3:53) God, sometimes you just have a feeling about a part. And I was like, I know this is my part. I was a little bit young. It doesn't happen very often anymore, but I was Speaker 2 (4:03) a Speaker 3 (4:03) bit young for the casting. So I had to go to the audition really, really early in the morning at Ealing Studios because they needed to cast the part really quickly. And everyone else's names were on the board. I was sat there like, oh, this is horrific. But I really like a challenge. I love adrenaline. I'm very competitive. I was like, I'm getting this part. And I did. And it was a really, I mean, the scripts were amazing. The characters are just so brilliantly complicated and flawed and ugly in places and spanning all the different generations of being a woman. And that cast, we didn't meet before that, but I knew of Fiona because we'd bounced around audition rooms together for a long time. And I obviously knew, you know, Stephen and Nicola and Deborah. Speaker 3 (4:50) Yeah, it was just a magic, a magical group of people who got on super well and our chemistry was excellent. Yeah, it was just a really, really important moment for me. And we do get told that a lot, that people love it. And I never, ever get bored of it because it's so loved. I would kind of Speaker 2 (5:05) be up there with, you know how Emma Bunton, I would imagine, never gets bored of people saying that they love the Spice Girls. I would say that you have to keep it for life and just kind of roll with it. Definitely. Speaker 3 (5:14) Why would you be annoyed by it? Why? Somebody's telling you how great you were in something great. And Speaker 2 (5:18) to have Speaker 3 (5:18) that Speaker 2 (5:18) connection to Speaker 3 (5:20) it, for it to Speaker 2 (5:21) mean something. Speaker 3 (5:22) And Speaker 2 (5:23) I would imagine that... Speaker 1 (5:25) I Speaker 2 (5:25) would imagine that it's one of those shows that whilst filming it, it's strangely revealing and healing for you when you're filming it. Well, Speaker 3 (5:33) it was. I mean, and I actually decided to get divorced during Series 3. That was surreal. I mean, I was surrounded by really good friends in my girls in the show. And I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. I was very, very unhappy. And I do chat about that. I'm quite an open person. So I was using them. And then I made the decision one weekend and we, well, we both did and came back to work to my divorce lawyer office on the Monday. And I walked in and I was surrounded by all this divorce, like divorce paraphernalia, how to divorce well with a child. Speaker 3 (6:12) I thought, my God, this is so surreal. Can I represent myself? Speaker 2 (6:18) I've got the script somewhere. Yeah, Speaker 3 (6:20) but it was quite a lovely environment if I had to do it, which obviously was a very painful time, but it Speaker 2 (6:27) was also a good moment for me to do it because I was cradled by my friends. And surely doing that show kind of informed you a little bit of how you would like that divorce to play out. Speaker 3 (6:39) Very, very much. I mean, I remember when we started researching, being so shocked at how bad it can be for a dad. I always just thought, you know, surely you would just split the childcare. But no, the rights were particularly bad for the fathers. And my daughter Marnie had grown up with two self-employed parents. So her dad, who's a writer as well as an actor, and he was around. Yeah, it was just, it made no sense to me to ever fight 50-50. It just was, it would have been wrong. It just would have been completely wrong. Obviously, I wish I had her all of the time, but I would never have wanted to do that. Speaker 2 (7:21) I mean, going into the winter, you have a lot going on and it's very, very exciting. Yeah. Because you have winter. which all I've seen of it, I've not, we're recording this quite early on, so there's no edit for me to watch. No. So we rely on you. So you Speaker 3 (7:35) can Speaker 2 (7:35) pretend it's wonderful. It's the best thing I've ever seen. It's the best. Yeah, thanks. But it is one of those ones that, you know, you get sort of tipped that it's going to be, it's tipped to do very well. Speaker 3 (7:45) Is it? Yes. Speaker 2 (7:46) Well, that's nice to hear. That's what I've heard. Speaker 3 (7:48) Yeah, do you know what? I think, well, Richard Armitage is my co-star in it, and he's just, he's kind of adored in the industry. So that's a good start, isn't it? And I've worked with Eagle Eye before on The Couple Next Door and the team Happy Duck in Belgium. We filmed in Belgium and they're brilliant. They're just such a brilliant group of people. Everyone is so hands-on. It's a real family. And, you know, if you're away from home, away from your family, being with a team who really know and love you really helps. So I love that. But, yeah, Winter, I think it's a six-part drama for ITV. And Richard and I are... Speaker 3 (8:28) sharing the, I guess, the lead together. And he is, his character is extremely annoying to my character. I play Detective Inspector. It's my first time playing a police officer. So I was very excited about that. Speaker 2 (8:41) Really? Yeah, I'm still a little kid. I just want to dress up. Speaker 3 (8:46) So I was really happy to put on those shoes, or big boots as they were. But yeah, I think it's going to be really good. It's got a lovely European flavour to it because it's been shot over there. The director, Dries Voss, who I worked with on The Couple Next Door, he's so... Speaker 3 (9:04) ambitious with the way he shoots things. He invents camera rigs. He invented something called the rainbow rig so that he could get an upside-down sweeping shot of Richard in his lab. And he's always pushing the boundaries. I'm struggling at the moment with remembering my lines because I think I'm at early stages of peri-menopause. So the brain fog, I've never, ever suffered with that before. Ever. I've always been completely on top of my lines. And I worked with these guys 18 months earlier and didn't have a problem. I think I was 40. And, yeah, I just kept getting a load of brain fog. And the director, Drees, he was like, what's going on with you? I said, I think it's perimenopause. Speaker 2 (9:47) His wife is going through it. Speaker 3 (9:49) He went, Speaker 2 (9:49) I know exactly. It wasn't like Speaker 3 (9:52) this two years ago for you. I was like, no, it's all happened in the space of 18 months where... it's just a little bit more difficult to focus. Speaker 2 (10:01) And Speaker 3 (10:02) that was hard on Winter because it was all police jargon. It was hard. I had to really have a word with myself and go, right, you're not going to psych yourself out. You have got this. Well, because we know that that just won't help. Panicking is not going to do anything. No, it makes it much, much worse. But I got to ADR yesterday and it was that particular day where I pretty much Speaker 2 (10:23) had Speaker 3 (10:23) a Speaker 2 (10:23) nervous breakdown. I was like, oh, good, it's that Speaker 3 (10:25) scene. Speaker 3 (10:27) And he cut most of it, so I didn't need to learn it anyway. Speaker 2 (10:31) But I'm getting that now. When I'm going to things and they want to do bits to camera, and I'm like, do we need to do it to camera? Can it be a voiceover? Interesting. Do I need to learn it? Because you feel unsafe. Because also the amount of time now that it takes to learn stuff. Yeah, it's different, Speaker 3 (10:51) isn't it? Speaker 2 (10:51) I am a bit Speaker 3 (10:51) like, do we need to? Speaker 2 (10:53) Do you know what I mean? I mean, it's different if you're acting. I have to. You absolutely have to. Yes, yes. Speaker 3 (10:58) Unless you want to be like Jack Duckworth. Just actually physically act it out. Just exactly. Speaker 2 (11:03) Jack Duckworth used to have labels everywhere, apparently. Did he? Speaker 3 (11:07) Yeah. Speaker 2 (11:08) So if he was picking up a prop, it would have his lines in. Yeah, Speaker 3 (11:11) I've had that before with actors, older actors on stage. What Speaker 2 (11:15) are Speaker 3 (11:15) you doing over there in the Speaker 2 (11:16) kitchen? Yeah, yeah. Speaker 3 (11:18) Why are Speaker 2 (11:18) you staring at that cup? I Speaker 3 (11:20) mean, on the split, we were hiding difficult bits of jargon behind folders and things. Just Speaker 2 (11:28) that little bit of a reminder. Sometimes you have to, just to get through. It must be very different on set because... Whereas, you know, when you're in theatre, it's so drummed in, right? And you know that nerves sometimes might make you go, ooh, but somehow you open your mouth and it's there because of the repetitiveness of it. Which Speaker 1 (11:45) is Speaker 3 (11:45) terrifying, isn't it? When you're like, my God, what am I saying? I'm still speaking, but I don't know what I'm Speaker 2 (11:50) saying. It's coming out. The performance of a lifetime. Whereas, you know, I would say it has to, it's such a quick turnaround. Yes. Those words have to be picked up and plonked out quickly. Speaker 3 (12:03) And you also, there's more of a sense when you're on set that you're going to let down a lot more people. It could be an amazing take. And the worst is if you're on the other actor and you have a mind melt and you're like, oh my God, it's their close-up. This is horrendous. That doesn't happen as much because the pressure's not on you then. But yeah, I do feel, I haven't done theatre for quite a few years actually. I stopped, I didn't stop, but I just, my last thing was in 2015. Speaker 2 (12:31) Oh wow. So I haven't Speaker 3 (12:32) done any theatre post having my daughter. So I don't know how that would feel now. I think pretty scary. which means I have to go and do it. Absolutely. You've been doing a lot, haven't you? Yeah, and Speaker 2 (12:45) I go on tour next year. It's amazing. Speaker 3 (12:47) It is amazing. God, I really had the time of my life doing plays. But Speaker 2 (12:52) you are right. It's Speaker 3 (12:53) different now that you're a mum because there is a different juggle. Yes, and I don't live in London. Speaker 2 (12:59) Yeah. Speaker 3 (13:00) So, yeah, I mean, that would be missing a lot of bedtimes. Yeah, it's just... It's a lot. Because I only have her 50 % of the time, which is just the thing at the centre of my life that I will never get over, the grief of that. So then I just have to be... I love my job and I love my career, but I have to be careful about what I choose. And it has to be so worth it to drown out the mummy guilt. Yeah. Because otherwise I just won't enjoy it anyway. And so I think that's why I haven't been back, really. I mean, COVID happened just a year after she was born. So that was, I mean, theatre kind of crashed. But it did crash. And then it took quite a long time for it to come back. And then it just also coincided with me getting quite a lot more screen work, which has been amazing. And I've really enjoyed being on screen. And the detail of it, learning about how your face works and what you can get away with and what you can play with. And I'm fascinated by the whole crew as well, the whole picture. I really do love being part of that team. And I think I'd kind of oversaturated myself with theatre. I'd done a lot of really long runs pre my daughter. Speaker 3 (14:23) But I really, on the last thing that I did, I remember thinking, God, everything I used to love about this, I now hate. Speaker 2 (14:29) I Speaker 3 (14:30) don't want to start getting nervous at two in the afternoon and then travel in. And then it was a musical I was doing. So and I found it. I love singing and I and I've always I used to want to do musical theatre. But then I went off into the drama school world. But I found it terrifying and I lost a lot of weight and I just wasn't really, I just couldn't really eat because I felt so sick. I Speaker 2 (14:55) feel like musical theatre is a different ball game. Yeah. I mean, I feel like with a play, you're all on that sort of journey together, on that train together. And if anything happens, there's a deliciousness in figuring it out. Yeah, absolutely. Musical theatre, if that train is out of the station and you're not on it, if you miss something, you're off. Speaker 3 (15:14) Well, because the music is dictating the pace. So it's a massive mistake and everyone can see it. So, yeah, that was the last thing that I did.