Episode 584: Matthew Hussey: Relationship Psychology: Why Strong Chemistry Can Keep You Stuck

Habits and Hustle

Matthew Hussey explores why strong chemistry in relationships can trap individuals emotionally, even when the other person isn't committed or compatible.

Key takeaways

• Chemistry alone does not create a lasting relationship; without commitment and compatibility, it can keep you emotionally stuck.
• People often confuse mutual attraction with true partnership, leading to attachment to potential rather than reality.

Main topics

• Relationship psychology
• Chemistry vs. compatibility

Notable quotes

When someone says they were my person and they've known them for three months, I'm like, stop wasting my time.

Conclusion

True relationships are built on compatibility, commitment, and consistent

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:01) Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits & Hustle. Crush it! Speaker 1 (0:06) Welcome to Habits and Hustle, where I sit down with the world's biggest thinkers, entrepreneurs, and experts to uncover the habits, strategies, and mindset shifts that actually move the needle in your health, happiness, and success. And today I'm sitting down with Matthew Hussey, a relationship coach, bestselling author, speaker, and host of the Love Life podcast. He has spent nearly two decades helping people navigate dating, heartbreak, commitment, and what it actually takes to build a healthy relationship. In this episode, we get into why we consistently overvalue connection, how chemistry can feel more important than it actually is, and the four levels of a relationship. We also talk about why someone cannot be your person while actively choosing not to be with you, and how we can end up grieving an imagined future more than the relationship itself. I love this episode. Matthew also explains how holding onto what could have been can become a form of avoidance and why moving on requires deliberate action instead of simply waiting for your feelings to disappear. This conversation will make you rethink chemistry, compatibility, commitment, heartbreak, and the stories you create around relationships that never became what you hoped they would. What Matthew shares in this episode will help you separate connection from compatibility and recognize when you are attached to a potential instead of reality. Like I said, this episode has it all, so let's dive in. Speaker 1 (1:44) Before we dive into today's episode, I want to thank our sponsor, Momentus. When your goal is healthspan, living better and longer, there are very few non-negotiables. One of them, quality. And when it comes to supplements designed for high performers, nobody does it better than Momentus. Momentus goes all in on NSF certification, which means every single batch is tested for heavy metals, harmful additives, and label accuracy. And that's why they're trusted by all 32 NFL teams and top collegiate sports dietitians across the country. Here's the thing. They don't sell every supplement under the sun because they believe in nailing the basics with rock solid consistency. And those basics are protein and creatine. Momentous sources CreaPure. the purest form of creatine monohydrate available, an absolute must for both men and women who want peak physical and cognitive performance. So if you're serious about leveling up, go to livemomentous.com and use code JEN for 20 % off. Just act now. Start today. JEN for 20 % off. livemomentous.com. Speaker 1 (3:09) Like there's certain qualities that people are typically drawn to, right? Charm, right? Like being funny, charming, like all those things. But those are like usually very surface, topical things that don't really serve us, right? Like as a girl, right? I'm attracted to guys or who are like that, right? Confident, funny, charismatic. A lot of times those guys don't make the greatest partners though. They've learned how to be a great sales representative. That's what happens a lot of times. And now I am speaking for like, because me, like women talk about this all the time. And I bet you similar to how you probably were, right? When you were saying you were bad, like you probably weren't like an asshole to, you know, you were probably very nice. Not Speaker 2 (3:54) intentionally. Not intentionally. Speaker 1 (3:56) You probably were, like, I think even in your paragraph, when you first opened the book, you were charismatic. You were nice. You were chivalrous. You know, you did all the nice things to make someone want to like you, even though you knew that you're probably not the greatest partner. I think that's what people get drawn to, right? Is this like superficial level. And it's very hard for people to separate that from something more. And then you also write about the facts. This is a couple of two-prong question, which I love when you said this, that connection isn't what you should be striving for. It's compatibility. Because I think we always say to each other, you know, well, we have such a great connection or the connection, the connection. Like you always hear the word connection. It's like the big hashtag in relationships. But like the truth of the matter, just because you do have a connection and you like, this is the part of the book I was like reading, like, like ferociously. It's really doesn't matter. It's like, it's about, are you guys compatible? And people, again, miss. mistake those two. Can you talk about why and just expand upon those things? Because I think that a lot of people like that would resonate with on both sides. Speaker 2 (5:09) Well, firstly, to your point about all those attractive qualities, we have to go a little deeper in terms of what it is we're looking for. It's fine to like someone who's charming. It's fine to like someone who's funny or sexy or any of those things. But That can't be all you need. Right, Speaker 1 (5:27) but we mistake it for lust and love or lust and like compatibility. Speaker 2 (5:32) Well, you can desire someone, but we have to start separating what makes someone desirable from what makes them a great partner. And it has to be as much a criteria for who we invest in that they are a great partner as they are desirable. It can't be, you know, I always... say to people, it's fine to want chemistry, but why don't you want kindness as much as you want chemistry? Why is it that chemistry keeps winning over someone who's decent or someone who's kind or someone who's thoughtful or someone who's loyal