When Our Nervous Systems Hijack Our Parenting - Revisit

Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Good Inside

In this revisited episode of 'Good Inside,' Dr. Becky explores how parental nervous systems can hijack parenting during stressful moments, leading to reactive behaviors like

Key takeaways

• Yelling or shutting down during parenting moments are not signs of failure but nervous system reactions shaped by past trauma or stress patterns.
• The body often remembers what the mind cannot recall—how we respond to our children today is influenced by how similar situations were handled in our own childhoods.

Main topics

• Nervous system hijacking in parenting
• The impact of childhood experiences on current behavior

Notable quotes

Those moments when we worry we're not breaking cycles at all, we're repeating them. Those aren't proof of who we are.

Conclusion

Dr. Becky concludes that while parenting can feel overwhelming and reactive moments may seem inevitable, they are

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:04) You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash becky. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash B-E-C-K-Y for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com slash becky. Before we get started, I want to make sure you know about our back-to-school program. Now look. For years, I was the kind of parent who said, whatever, we'll roll into the school. I'll deal with it over time. But I didn't realize until later, in the first week, a kid decides, I like this school thing. I can do it. Or, oh, school is too hard and overwhelming. Why is everything surprising me? And those two differences in thoughts end up lasting a whole fall. And it catches up with us. That's really why we're doing the Back to School program. Everything you need, not just to have a good first week, but to have a first week that impacts positively the whole year after. Link is in the show notes. Hey, it's Becky. I recorded this episode about a year ago for parents of kids of all ages, but I listened to it recently and thought, oh my goodness, this one was really made for new parents. I wish I listened to this when I was a new parent. Because if there's one thing I hear from parents in those first couple months, it's, I have nothing left. I am running on empty. And I don't know how to fix that. Look, I want to be honest, this episode won't fix that. You won't end thinking, you know what? All my problems are solved. But I do think you're going to feel a little more hope in an actual, practical, and get this, possible pathway of a couple small shifts that have a big positive impact. I hope this helps. You want to stay calm. You want to be that grounded, sturdy, pilot, leader to your kid. And then there's a slam door. There's an I hate you. There's a you never do anything for me right after you did 5,832 things for your child in the last hour. We all yell. We all say the words we promised ourselves we would never say. We all have moments when our nervous system hijacks our parenting and our value system just hasn't had the time to catch up. It is so important to demystify what yelling is really about. and to understand what yelling is not at all about. That's exactly what we'll be talking about today. I promise you by the end of today's episode, you're going to have so many new aha moments as in, oh, that's a totally different way to think about it. And you're going to have a bunch of heartfelt moments like, oh, that hit me somewhere I really needed. You're going to feel empowered and hopeful, and you're going to have a new way of looking at the moments we all struggle with. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. Speaker 1 (4:00) Here's a story from my private practice that has always stayed with me. I was seeing a mom and she was telling me about a moment from earlier in her week where her and her daughter were arguing nonstop about what clothes she was allowed to wear out. And then the moment ended with her daughter looking at her and just screaming, I hate you. And then the mom screamed right back. Well, I don't like you either. And then silence. And I remember her telling me about how her body was shaking and how she felt scared not because she didn't mean what she said. But because in that moment, she did. And that terrified her. I asked her what she did next to try to get a better sense of the whole situation. And she told me she somehow found herself then in the kitchen eating cereal she wasn't hungry for, scrolling on Instagram, looking for some relief that was impossible to find, and then just feeling kind of frozen and having no idea how to recover and move forward. I ended up asking her, this might seem off topic, but just tell me, how would your mom have reacted if you yelled, I hate you in her face? And she just looked at me and said, she would have given me these dark death eyes. And even without saying anything, those eyes were so terrifying. And then she'd say something cold and monotoned, like, who do you think you are to say something like that to me? And those would be the last words I heard before a week of the silent treatment. The room felt heavy. but it felt important and I stayed quiet. And she started crying and she said to me, like, that's exactly what I