Are You Pushing Your Kid or Managing Your Fear?

Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Good Inside

A parent reflects on pushing their child academically, questioning whether their motivation stems from fear or genuine concern. The episode explores the difference between managing personal fears and supporting a child's

Key takeaways

• Pushing kids often comes from parental fear, not the child's needs.

Transcript preview

A lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was. So a lot of the things that I did, I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation. I can have something bigger, I can have more, I can do more things. Yeah. And he doesn't have that. a lot of baseball and started the season and came back and said to me a couple kids in my team have gotten really good over the summer I think I'm going to be moving down in the batting order I panicked if this was me at that age what I would have said to my parents is something very different oh my goodness I'm not good at baseball anymore I need to practice I need to go to the gym I even need like a lesson or I need you to spend time with me I would have been livid and in this moment in front of me. It also made me think about academic moments, thinking my kid could do better, do more with their talents, and what is my role if they're not pushing themselves? Or maybe is my kid not pushing themselves because I have always pushed them and they kind of have lost that intrinsic motivation? What is my role around my kids' potential? My leak is here again and we're going to have another episode of Is It True? And what we're going to have another episode of Is It True. to unpack today is this idea. If I don't push my kid, my kid is going to waste their potential. Is it true? I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. I'm so glad you're here. All right, My kid, have you had that thought? If I don't push my kid, my kid is going to waste their potential. Absolutely. I have, I'm in the middle of a parent situation where my kid does very. very well in school and every week the work comes home and I'm watching one subject kind of just go down further and I'm just what is my role here I feel like we've tried I've tried everything I've talked to him I've we need the highlighters we need you know we're now at an age where you need to start reading the caption under the pictures you know and he does not seem to care and I just wonder how much do I push Will he get it at some point and my situation was that I was always really good in school and no one pushed me and so I wonder What would have happened if someone did and so I'm trying to find like what is the dance that I do I was highly competitive. Mm-hmm. I wanted to beat everybody so I'm always looking at you know how everyone else is doing and I'm wanting to be at the top of I want all the stars I want my name at the top of the chalkboard and just having a kid who's like I mean it's fine this is not a big deal like I'll get it or not yeah and this almost like school is not a measure of who I am I know who I am and they this does this work doesn't measure doesn't measure doesn't measure that for me I think that's exactly right so you had a report card moment in that's perfectly representative of this topic or not, let's just go there so we can really envision it. So the report card comes home and it's straight A's and there's one part of me that's like very proud, very like, yeah mom. And then but there's the one, this one subject that I feel like I have been talking about that is the lowest A. And I, Becky, I sat there like going back and forth like Can I be proud or should I have a problem because I have been talking about this and now this is exactly what I said was going to happen and this is I mean the next report card there it probably is not going to be an A and I mean I sat there for a while until I hopped in the community and I'm like someone talked me off the cliff because yeah why will I always have an issue will this always be a problem for me of like it doesn't matter what the grades are, in my mind I want to believe I'm not that parent. In my mind I want to believe that the report card comes home and I'm like, Gave gave his greatest effort, this isn't, this doesn't show who he is. I want, in my mind I'm an evolved parent. I love that parent. I don't know her, but she seems wonderful. She's just the report card. The report card comes and nothing phases her. She's like, this doesn't define who he is. I know who he is, I know my child. I know my child. I know my child. but there was something in me that's like, we gotta push. Yeah, we gotta push. You can do better than this. I know you can't. Well, you know, let me go down a little bit of Rabahole that you went past. I know he's doing his best, but is that actually where the pivot point is? There's still everything that brings up in us and how we need mean, but true question. Were you sure he's doing his best or with that subject? Are you like, actually no? Like, I don't I don't, I just don't think he's putting effort. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. He's not. I know I felt like I know he isn't because I know how well he reads. It's just it's a situation where he's kind of like we've done ever since he started reading he's like this is how I think the story should go and I'm like they're not this is school is measuring do you understand what's being written not what is your what you think should be written so I know he knows what is happening but just I feel like he's making the choice every time you know I just zoom out for a second because I think effort here when we think about our kids potential there's their natural abilities right that they have and you see a kid have certain temperament or be interested in certain topics and interests and then there's effort right and I think I think where a lot of us get triggered is when we see a kid with our kid with what we deem to be high ability yes or at least they're capable And I don't know about for you I think one of the reasons it triggers me is I think a lot I'm just gonna talk about it academically I feel like you have to only be like yay smart in terms of your ability to do well in life yeah and what ends up mattering a lot more is your effort is your willingness to take on challenges is your openness to feedback early on for kids what can really shine is just pure ability right you all see those kids are like wow you're reading at age three you're naturally doing math and those kids get a lot of feedback and they can build their identity. Oh, this kid's already reading in class. You know those things happen and they hear it and they hear it. And I know for me one of the things that can trigger me in these situations are on potential are, oh, like something's happened where you're starting to rely on your ability. Yes. And I know in life, those kids who are more pure effort, they're going to pass you're going to pass you by you're going to pass you're going to pass you by you're going to Yes, when did that happen? They're going to eat your, they're going to eat your lunch because you're just out here, la, la, I know I can do it. And the kid who's working harder, the kid who's maybe having to, who's getting lower grades, but is pushing themselves and is trying hard and every week they're coming back to it. And you're just like, yeah, I'm fine. And I think this is particularly true and I know your son. Kids who have kind of some early abilities abilities, right, right, right, different pace. But there are some kids like that. They are the kids I sound like I quote worry about saying the kids who are later readers and are able to stick with it and you know I think about one of my kids who had all of these early speech issues like major speech issues and had to really work through things and I'm like that kid early in that child body the circuit of I'm not figuring this out I have to work and try extra and push and push that is going to set that is going to set that child up in such a different way than the kids whose first five, six years are kind of up into the right? Yes, that's, I feel the same way. I have another kid who I feel has a special relationship with failure, like who's just used to not getting it right the first second or third time and I just feel like what that builds in you when you're like, okay, I didn't get it right this time, I'm gonna try another way, I'm gonna try again. And I'm like, I can see her