Ricki Lake on Losing Her Husband, Losing Her Home and Starting Over

Good Grief with Amanda Kloots

In this emotional episode of Good Grief, Amanda Kloots sits down with Rikki Lake to discuss the profound themes of loss and reinvention. Rikki

Key takeaways

• Rikki Lake views reinvention not just as a choice, but as a necessity forced by extreme life changes.
• The loss of her Malibu home unexpectedly facilitated a move to New York and a fresh start in a new relationship.

Main topics

• Navigating suicide loss
• Bipolar disorder and caretaking

Notable quotes

Our life is sweeter because of the suffering.

Conclusion

A powerful testament to human resilience, showing that even the most d

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Speaker 1 (0:06) On today's episode of Good Grief, I have my really great friend, Rikki Lake, joining us. Rikki is, I mean, she is the true example of reinvention and resilience and light. I mean, you guys, she just has such an amazing take on grief and how we can use it. to teach us beautiful things in life, which is what this podcast is all about. You will listen to this and be so inspired by her every word. I promise you that. Today's question from our community, because we always have one so that we feel like we can ask our questions here and get them answered and share our stories. This question comes from Sarah and she asks, how do you manage the grief of a completely different life? than what you imagined. There is no one better than Rikki Lake to answer this question. And I can't wait to hear what she has to say. I hope you enjoy this episode. First Speaker 2 (1:10) of all, hi. Hi. We have Rikki Lake Speaker 1 (1:12) on the pod. Speaker 2 (1:13) And I love you so much. I loved you before I knew you. And, you know, I have like chills, body chills when I just think about how much you mean to me. Yeah, you're like a soul sister through our grief processes and our journey of being, you know, interviewers and, you know, yeah. Yeah. Speaker 1 (1:35) I mean, you took my first couple lines already. I usually Speaker 2 (1:38) do that. I usually ask the questions that people are thinking of, you know, so yeah. No, well, Speaker 1 (1:44) listen, I will say that whenever I was thinking about doing a podcast, literally, I was like. over to Lake because you are, you have been such an inspiration to me. And even before we met, you were just the kindest soul reaching out to me. And then we finally got to meet after you were a guest on the Tyler Henry show. Which Speaker 2 (2:08) I Speaker 1 (2:08) already Speaker 2 (2:08) felt like I knew you. So it Speaker 1 (2:10) was such a, and then I invited you over my house Speaker 2 (2:12) right away. And, you know, yeah, I mean, it felt very familial. Yeah. And you were just, you were so great on that day. That was such a wild experience. Wild experience, which we will talk about. With Speaker 1 (2:24) a Speaker 2 (2:24) capital W. I still, I mean, that Tyler Henry is so magical and such a sweet soul. And he has gifts. And I knew he was, I knew, like I had real kind of expectations, but he exceeded them. And yeah, we became friends that day. We Speaker 1 (2:40) became friends that day in the parking lot. And I got to meet your husband, Ross, that day too. And just so that everybody listening knows, like, Ricky is, like, you're such a real deal. Like, you are not a Hollywood bullshit celebrity. Like, you are the, I'm going to say the F word, the fucking real deal. Like. If Ricky's like, we're going to lunch, like you go to lunch. You don't, that's not just fluff, guys. Like she Speaker 2 (3:07) - Speaker 1 (3:07) And Speaker 2 (3:07) I Speaker 1 (3:07) show up on Speaker 2 (3:08) time. Speaker 1 (3:08) She shows up on time. I'm a Speaker 2 (3:09) Virgo and I mean what I say and I say what I mean. Yes. And I don't say it mean. Speaker 1 (3:14) You're a very passionate person. You really believe in what you believe in and you go for it. And, you know, you're a lover and you're a giver and you're- the best advice giver. You've helped me so much. I don't want to start crying. So I'm going to stop there because I will. I'll start crying because I just love you so much. But I really thank you for being here. My pleasure. I Speaker 2 (3:40) would go to the end of the earth, whatever you needed to support your work and your path that you're on. And you're just such a shining star. And it's so wonderful to not only watch. as a fan, but also as a friend. Oh, well, thank you. Speaker 1 (3:54) I want to start this off because if I had to attach a word to you, I think it would be reinvention. Oh, okay. Like, or like a line, like Phoenix Rising, especially in really thinking about your life and the journey of your life and all the times that you've reinvented kind of yourself. And I guess I want to ask you to start off. Do you think reinvention assists in healing or? causes healing or what do you think? Because I think there's a misconception that if I reinvent myself, I'm healed, which I don't think is the same thing. And I know that you've had to reinvent yourself many times, come back many times from severe losses and not just people. So what's your take on reinvention and healing? Speaker 2 (4:54) I mean, I don't think I ever correlated the two necessarily. I've been forced to reinvent. And it starts back when I, you know, when you said that word and I was thinking, because I was thinking you were going to say resilience because that's a whole nother. piece of me that I've had to really kind of rise to the occasion for myself and for my people and get Speaker 1 (5:11) through a lot. Speaker 2 (5:11) You don't think they go hand in Speaker 1 (5:12) hand? Speaker 2 (5:13) I mean, I never thought of healing. Like, I just feel like it's forced me to, like, overcome and to be able to, like, go on. And so when you said that at first, I thought of career because I had to reinvent myself physically when I was very young because I couldn't get a job. I had done hairspray at 18 and I had kind of been catapulted as this, you know, adorable fat girl who gets the guy. And I was that girl. But then I went on to gain a lot of weight over a period of like three or four years before the talk show. We're talking from 18 to about 22. And then when I was about 21, I lost a big job. I thus lost my house, my house in the Hollywood Hills, not far from where you live. It was foreclosed. What Speaker 1 (5:52) job Speaker 2 (5:52) was that? It Speaker 1 (5:53) was a TV series called China Beach. Speaker 2 (5:55) Okay. And it's like. A lot of people are too young to even know. And it doesn't air on streaming platforms because of the clearances of the music. There were so many amazing, the soundtrack was incredible and they couldn't get, it's such a travesty because the show was like, it ran for four seasons. It was a Dana Delaney and incredible cast, Emmy award winning, all that, you know, it was a brilliant show on ABC. And I did some really good work on it. I was on for only the season three, the third season. And I was very young at that time. I was like 20 years old. And I was told by a business manager to buy a house that I needed to like invest in real estate, which was the dumbest thing for like a 20 year old. I had no family. I had no lifestyle to support. And I basically, I don't know Speaker 1 (6:34) if Speaker 2 (6:34) we're going off topic, if this is where you want to go. But basically, I bought this house. I remember it was $719,000, which was more money than I ever, like I, it was, I don't come from money. I Speaker 1 (6:45) just Speaker 2 (6:45) made about like at that point a couple hundred thousand dollars that I had in the bank and I put it all into a down payment thinking I was on this show and I'm going to be on it again. And then when they came around to maybe pick up my option, they did not. And so suddenly I was just 20 years old. And had this, you know, this mortgage payment. And I, so I had to walk away from the house and all my investment. Whoa. Speaker 1 (7:09) And Speaker 2 (7:09) humble myself and move deep into the valley into a pool house as my guest house. I lived there and it was at that time I was 260 pounds and I really had to look. I couldn't get my agent to call me back. Speaker 1 (7:20) Wow. I mean, this is Speaker 2 (7:20) pre-talk show. Yes. And I went on a crash diet. Like in my mind, I knew. In this business, you need to have a gimmick. It's all about what sets you apart from everybody else. And reinvention. Like in my mind, I was like, okay, I want to like, I want the world to see me differently. And I went on a literally a crash diet where I starved myself for six months. I joined a gym. I kind of stayed away. Oh my God. And I lost, I lost over a hundred pounds. And that it was right before the talk show. And then the talk show came around and then that became a part of my story. And yeah, and it happened to many times in my career that physically I was able to transform. not with Ozempic and not with, you know, not that there's anything wrong with those things, but I did it, you know, in a natural way. I never had surgery, Speaker 1 (8:02) but Speaker 2 (8:03) I would change my physicality. And I found there was so much power in that, that it was like a control thing for me. And I was able to like, for example, when I did the documentary, which was my, like, I consider that to be my greatest work, my most personal work. And when I premiered at Tribeca Film Festival in 2007, I had a publicist at the time that said, if I were you, I would go away and I would just get yourself in the best shape possible and come back looking, you know, a certain, like different. Wow. And that, to get the attention for the movie. And it got me like the cover of all these magazines. I mean, it was when I was on the cover in a bathing suit on Us Weekly. And it did exactly that. But it was all about reinvention. So I know this isn't exactly where you probably thought I was going to go. No. Speaker 1 (8:47) I love this because I think grief happens in a lot of different forms. And a loss of a job is a huge grief. I used to go through immense amounts of grief when my Broadway shows would close. It's like your future's gone. Your family's gone. Where you went every day is gone. It's a form of grief. It is. And then you lose your home. You buy this home. You're 20 years old. You lose the home. Like that's, again, your safety, your future. It's gone. But I didn't have time to grieve. No. Like literally Speaker 2 (9:19) when I think about it was more about survival. Yes. It was more about desperation. Of course. And I figured it out and I've always been able to figure it out. And then, yes, of late I've had so much trauma of losing people and with my home last year. I mean, there is a lot of grief in that. And I still, I get sad just looking at you and thinking about what you went through with Nick and what I went through with Christian. And I'm coming up on 10 years of his death. Speaker 1 (9:47) Oh, wow. Speaker 2 (9:48) And it, I mean, that changed me in so many ways. And I did have to pivot my future. What I thought was my future wasn't anymore. And it wasn't just the loss of this person. It was really what I wanted. I was building this Malibu property for the two of us to grow old there. And suddenly he's gone. Speaker 2 (10:11) I didn't want it. I didn't want that house on a mountaintop by myself. You know, it's Speaker 1 (10:15) wild. Our similarities, like the fact that Nick and I bought our Laurel Canyon home and I was renovating it. I didn't want to live there. I didn't want to be there. Then he died and I had to move into that house by myself. We have so many similarities. It's wild. Speaker 2 (10:32) Yeah, but I didn't end up moving to that house alone because I met Ross. Yes. Right before in the darkest day of COVID when you were going through. I mean, I think, did Nick die in May or June? Speaker 1 (10:42) July of 2020. I Speaker 2 (10:44) met Ross July of 2020. Okay. So when we were all washing our groceries, that's what I remember. We were so scared our produce was going to kill us. Well, you had to Speaker 1 (10:53) keep it on the porch first. You couldn't even bring it in for like 24 hours. Yeah. Okay, hold on. We're going to go back. We're going to rewind, rewind really quick. Where do you think this resilience came from? Did it come from mom and dad, childhood? Where did you learn this? I Speaker 2 (11:12) think it's in me. It's just in you. I think it's in my makeup. It's in my constitution because I, you know. You can't place Speaker 1 (11:21) it anywhere. I mean, my Speaker 2 (11:22) grandmother was a very, like a guiding force for me. And she died when I was nine. So she died when I was very, very young. But she was the person that instilled in me that I was special, that I was the best and most amazing. Like, you know, I was clearly not the best. But she told me. She's like, you know. What was grandma's name? Grandma Sylvia. Speaker 1 (11:40) I had a. Grandma Sylvia. No, Speaker 2 (11:41) you Speaker 1 (11:41) didn't. Oh, my God. Ricky. Sylvia Platnick. And she's my spirit. She's on my spirit team. Oh. Is your Sylvia on? Oh, absolutely. And Speaker 2 (11:49) Sylvia came up in my reading with Tyler Henry, which of course she would. God. Grandma Sylvia. was my North Star. My, yeah, that's crazy. We Speaker 1 (11:59) are sisters Speaker 2 (12:00) from another mister. We Speaker 1 (12:02) do. We should do like a karmic soul, see if we like, we're sisters in another soul life. Because that's wild. Speaker 2 (12:08) That's amazing. Speaker 1 (12:08) Wow. Speaker 2 (12:09) Yeah, she was. Okay, so I Speaker 1 (12:10) feel like maybe Grandma Sylvia instilled some of this in you. Like this, because I do think when you have as a young kid, an adult saying to you, you're the best. You can do anything. You've got this. It does help train your brain at a young age to go, I can do anything. I can do anything. I'm 20. I just had my life fall apart. I can do this. Speaker 2 (12:36) And her spirit, I mean, you know, it gets a little woo-woo where she died in 1978 and she died in 10 years to the day of her death was the world premiere of Hairspray, my first big movie. So I choose to believe that she is absolutely a part of it. She knew it was happening. Yeah. She was very special and such a matriarch. Yeah. And she loved the arts and she brought me to the ballet and to Broadway. I saw Annie when I was a little girl with her and I decided in that moment that that's what I want to do. And yeah, so she would be the one, not my parents. I think my parents, they did the best they could. My dad is still alive. My mother passed last year and I had a very, very difficult, challenging relationship with my mom. It was Grandma Sylvia that really held me up. All you need is that one person, really. It doesn't have to even be related to you. You have that one person that sees in you something special and tells you. Yeah, Speaker 1 (13:34) it is. It's so true. And it's really important. It can be a teacher. You know, a lot of times it's a teacher in your life that's just like, no, no, no. Go this way. Keep doing that. Now that you're talking about her, I feel like I do remember this from... From the Tyler show, actually. But Speaker 2 (13:50) when I was on Tyler's show, which was such a gift and it was such a last second, like we found out on a Thursday and we shot it the next week. I mean, it was so quick. I had to scramble to get people who were available to do it with me. And all I wanted to hear was from Christian. Yeah. Like I, Grandma Sylvia, I'm like complete with, I know, I know she's there. I wanted messages from Christian, which I got, which I got. And he also predicted the fire. Yes. Speaker 1 (14:14) Okay, wait, don't, don't talk about that just yet. Okay. Let's talk about Christian. Speaker 2 (14:18) So Christian Speaker 1 (14:18) was your husband. Speaker 2 (14:19) Yes, my second husband. Your second husband. So I've been married three times. It turns out I'm the marrying kind. I didn't know that about myself. Me too, babe. Speaker 1 (14:28) Also divorced, then married Nick and he died. Another similarity. Speaker 2 (14:34) I have to say third time's the charm. Okay. Oh my gosh. Yes. Speaker 2 (14:40) I was going to say I finally got it right, but I think they all were right for the time that they were. My first husband, I was married from 25 to 35 and I had two beautiful children with him. Almost the same amount of time I was. Really? Yeah. You got married at Speaker 1 (14:52) 25? 25 to 32. Speaker 2 (14:54) That's so weird. Yeah, I stuck it out for a little bit longer. And it was, you know, we have these amazing men that I've raised. And they're extraordinary. And they live here. And I see them all the time. One's a school teacher, a high school English teacher in Brooklyn in a public school. And my other son is an illustrator and an artist and an educator. I mean, I couldn't be prouder. And my second husband, Christian, I met when I was 42 years old. He came into my life through another fire that I had, a house fire. I mean, it's very, the story is crazy. But I believe it was divine intervention. We were supposed to meet. We were supposed to be together for the time that we were. It wasn't long enough, but it was long enough to instill so many lessons. I mean, so many gifts came out of that beautiful thing. But he was bipolar. He was very sick. He felt dealt with chronic pain. I dealt with it. I lived through it. I lived through the suffering. I lived through, like, I understood when he passed and chose to leave. There was never the why for me. I totally knew why. I mean, it was such a lesson. Will Speaker 1 (16:04) you tell me, I want to know five things about Christian that, like... you still cherish to this day? Okay, he gave the best hugs ever. Speaker 2 (16:15) Oh, I love Speaker 1 (16:16) that. Like, Speaker 2 (16:17) with every cell in his body, he loved you, you know, and he was discerning. He didn't love everyone. He didn't give it out. He didn't give out that energy to everyone. He loved me, like, more than I loved myself. God, my eyes get wet when I think about him. Speaker 2 (16:40) And he was he was really had these gifts, but he couldn't really like like fulfill them. Like he was a beautiful jewelry designer and he worked with like Native Americans because he grew up in the four corners. Did he design Speaker 1 (16:51) the chakras? He did design Speaker 2 (16:53) that. Yeah, he