The Black Sheep Back in Utah

Girlscamp

Host Haley Rall reflects on her recent return to Utah following her move to Los Angeles, navigating the complex emotions of visiting her for

Key takeaways

• Returning to Utah highlighted a sense of being watched due to her public persona in Mormon spaces.
• A conversation with a Mormon man on a plane provided a moment of connection regarding faith deconstruction and grief.

Main topics

• Returning to Utah
• Faith Deconstruction

Notable quotes

I feel like I exist very much outside of those dynamics [in California].

Conclusion

The episode serves as a vulnerable meditation on navigating identity,

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:09) Hello, Speaker 1 (0:12) everyone, and welcome to the Girls Camp Podcast. I'm your host, Haley Rall. I hope you're doing well. We are just catching up today, if you don't mind. I have a lot to catch you up on because I went back to Utah for the first time since moving here to LA. It has been four months that we've been in LA, which is crazy. I feel like It's gone by really fast, but it was like almost exactly at the four month mark that we had this trip planned to Utah. And I went to Utah primarily for my live show, the first ever Girls Camp live show, which I'm also really excited to recap and talk to you about. But mainly I want to talk to you about what it was like to be in Utah. This really felt like in anticipation of this trip, it really kind of felt like the final milestone of our California move because I didn't know how I would feel going back. And that felt like important information, I guess, as to how I'm feeling about this move. I was worried that in going back to Utah, I would have... sadness or maybe even regret pop up about moving and just be like, oh, you know, I love being here and I miss being here. I will say, first and foremost, being back in Utah felt really familiar. Of course, that's where I've lived most of my life. And familiarity feels really safe and really comfortable. And having been away from that for as long as I have, it was also really fun. Of course, I was thrilled to see friends and family there. I was thrilled to get my dirty soda every day. I did backslide a little bit in my coffee journey because it is much more convenient in Utah to get a dirty soda because there are way more dirty soda shops than there are coffee shops. So in the morning, I... did get coffee most mornings there. But in the morning, I was like, oh, man, I have to drive 20 minutes to get a coffee where I could drive five to get a dirty soda. So no wonder it took me moving out of Utah to finally kick that habit. But it was also fun. It was fun to go to the dirty soda shops. It was fun to go to Cafe Rio and Costa Vida, like these restaurants that I was just used to eating at in Utah. And it was nice to be in a place that is so familiar. And I think that's what kicked in right away in being back in Utah was this just feels so familiar and comfortable and safe. Like driving around, I know where everything is. I've been everywhere so many times. The roads feel easy to drive on in comparison to California. The parking feels easy. And that was also kind of fun to notice too, because even in Utah, I was a pretty nervous driver and parker. But now having been here in California, I'm like, oh, this just feels like a breeze in comparison. So there was that going on. And then I had a lot of emotions come up around so many things. Actually, I'm trying to think where even to begin. I definitely felt like being in Utah. It was confirmed to me that for me at this time in my life and for my family, we definitely made the right decision in moving. I... didn't feel like, oh, I'm sad I don't live here anymore at all. One of the things I actually noticed because I talked about this before we moved is I talked about this feeling of more people knowing who I am in Utah and a portion of the people who know who I am. not liking me or not liking who I am on the internet or this persona that I have. And I was really struck being back in Utah by how quickly that feeling kicked in, a feeling like I almost feel like I'm being watched to a certain extent and not to be dramatic. I always hesitate to talk about this because I don't want it to sound like I feel like paparazzi are following me everywhere I go. I just feel like certain places I would go in, I was like, huh, I wonder if that look was because they know who I am and if they're Mormon and know who I am, what they think and feel about me because probably not good things. And I do not miss that feeling at all. I think it really validated in me that what I was feeling in Utah was actually happening and how nice it feels to not have that happen anymore. Another big reason that we were excited to move out of Utah, and I wouldn't say this was like a reason we did so, but we were, Bentley and I, when I say we, I'm talking about my husband Bentley and I, we were excited to kind of reclaim our lives and our routines, which would have been possible in Utah, obviously, but It felt like in Utah, we were so used to doing certain things a certain way, to spending our time a certain way, being with certain people on certain days of the week even. And it wasn't that that was a bad thing. It's just that we started to recognize that a lot of our time and energy was almost like already accounted for before we had even had like... really so much of a say about it. And I do feel like being back in Utah, obviously under different circumstances because we were traveling there. So we really were there to like see people and hang out with people. But I did also feel validated in that reason for moving because we just know so many people there that it feels like there were expectations on our time. from other people, which is not a bad thing. I think that's how life goes. That's how dynamics work when you are close to people in a friendship or a family dynamic. But I had underestimated how much, I guess, just like time and energy that feels like it takes from me. And it's really interesting because here in California, we almost have the opposite problem where I'm like trying to create more rituals with people. Meaning like, okay, in Utah, it was family dinner every Sunday with extended family. And now in California, it's like, oh, that might be nice to have like some sort of rituals or traditions or things like that with people eventually. We're not in any rush. But having... so much more like open space in our schedules, in our time, in our lives, especially as we're like new here socially, is actually really wonderful and really lovely. And it feels like it allows for a different kind of intentionality than we had in Utah. And to get that kind of intentionality, it would have required like more work. Where from here, here in California, that's just kind of our square one. So that was another like, oh, you know, this is what we were hoping for and moving. We felt that in moving and now being back in Utah in comparison, it's like, oh yeah, that has panned out the way we want it, where we feel like we have more, almost like autonomy. And I feel more like an individual person. I said that to Bentley, like, I feel like an individual person here in California. Where in Utah, I feel like I exist so much in mainly, I would say, like a family context with family, with in-laws, that it just was like everything, not everything, but a lot of things just kind of happened that I just showed up to. And here, it feels like I exist very much outside of those dynamics. No one here knows my family. No one here knows the people I'm connected to in Utah. And so I'm just operating in a completely new space, completely alone. And there are obviously parts of that that feel scary, sometimes isolating, sometimes sad, but also feel very exciting and give a lot of opportunity to really figure out. who I am and what I want and how I want to spend my time. The Mormon stuff being back in Utah was also interesting. I don't feel like necessarily on a day-to-day basis, like, you know, I was just bopping around town. We went to the zoo with the kids and we're just kind of doing our thing for the most part. So I don't feel like... On a day-to-day basis, and I didn't feel this necessarily when I lived in Utah either, there was like all that much Mormonism leaking into my life or my psyche. Besides that feeling I was talking about of being someone who talks about ex-Mormonism and going to public places and just kind of wondering who there might have some negative opinion about me. But it was really kind of crazy. We flew out of, we usually fly out of the Burbank airport. LAX is like the giant international airport. It's kind of far away from us. It's just a notoriously busy and difficult airport. So we try to fly out of Burbank, which is a smaller airport, like 15 minutes away from us. And it flies into Provo. So flights are cheaper. It's just easier all around. You avoid LAX and Salt Lake airport. And we got to the Burbank airport, which I've been at before. I actually traveled out of Burbank to Carmel, which is like Northern California-ish. I don't know if that's technically considered Northern California. It's kind of like middle California. Just the week prior. And I didn't feel this way. But going to the terminal in Burbank, where people were flying back to Provo, there was this like immediate recognition of... this is, these are Mormon people, or a lot of these people at least are Mormon. We were getting snacks in one of the little airport places with the twins. And this woman was in line in front of us. And we ended up talking because she has twins. They're older now, but she was like, Oh, you know, twins, I have twins. Are they fraternal, identical, whatever. And she walked away. I was actually with my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law flew back to Utah with us. She was in town watching the girls while I went on a girl's trip, but we were all flying back together. And I turned to my mother-in-law and I was like, I would bet. a thousand dollars that that woman is Mormon. She did tell me she had six kids. So I guess that's kind of a dead giveaway, but there's just a vibe. Like I could just feel it. And I actually feel like my Mormon radar is getting much stronger now that I'm away from Utah because I can like pick out the contrast a little bit more, but I was like, Oh, I bet that woman is a Mormon. And then when we walked to the gate and all these people were flying back to Provo, Again, there's just some giveaways. It's not like I have this amazing talent for it, but there are young families where the parents seem young and the kids are young. And I don't know, this would be an interesting topic to explore sometime, like how you can sense someone is Mormon, especially now that we don't have the garment giveaway as easily since the garments are now a little bit. Speaker 1 (12:37) More conspicuous? Less conspicuous? Yeah, because they're, let's see, I always get this confused because of inconspicuous means you wouldn't notice them. So they're more inconspicuous, less conspicuous. What I mean to say is it used to be like, oh, they're not wearing tank tops and it's hot outside. There's a higher chance they're Mormon or you can see the garment lines. I feel like that's not as easy anymore, but you just have a sense when you grow up. a Utah Mormon. You can kind of feel it out sometimes just by vibes from people. And it just felt like sitting in the airport in Burbank, I was like, oh, there's just more Mormon presence here than I have felt in a while because these people are flying back to Provo. And that's not even necessarily like the worst thing in the world. I'm not saying it is. I'm just saying it was something I noticed. And then on my flight back, This was after my live show. So I was in a very different headspace on my flight back. I ended up sitting by myself and Bentley was sitting with the twins and he was toward the back of the plane. I was toward the front. He actually swapped me seats. I was grateful. I was tired from my show and I was planning on getting some work done, but I ended up being seated in this row where the middle seat was open and I was on the window seat and on the aisle seat was this man. who I did assume was Mormon based on vibes. But me and this man ended up chatting actually the entirety of the flight. And I had just done this live show in Utah where I ended up dressing up as like a sexy missionary in a mini skirt, like ripping off a skirt and like throwing it off stage, dancing with a drag performer, Miss Meredith, who was incredible. I mean, edgy. I'm putting in air quotes like I don't find it edgy, but I'm sure Mormons would find that like pretty edgy and probably disrespectful. But I had been in this. I had just done that. And I'm sitting on the plane. And this guy and I start talking and we just start making connections. I tell him I'm from Utah. He's actually from California where he's flying back to. He tells me he was just in town because his daughters had like a performance thing. They're dancers at BYU. So I'm like having the confirmation like, okay, this man is Mormon. But I'm chiming in and like I say, I grew up in Provo. We're kind of just chatting. he didn't know I was ex-Mormon, although I did have an iced coffee in hand. Don't know if he clocked it or not. But in the course of our conversation, I end up telling him that I have a podcast and he actually didn't ask follow-up questions. And I usually now in those settings, I try and just say I work in social media, something more vague, but I kind of wasn't prepared. I was just like, oh, I have a podcast. And then I was like getting on my phone trying to get some work done. And he was like a few minutes in silence. And then