The News Quiz: Ep4. 'Demonstrable lies'

Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4

This episode of BBC Radio 4's The News Quiz features host Andy Zaltzman and panelists Rachel Fairburn, Desiree Burch, Robin Morgan, and Cindy Yu satirizing recent political

Key takeaways

• Donald Trump described UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham as a 'natural businessperson,' prompting panel jokes about his lack of real-world experience and awkward diplomatic demeanor.
• The episode contrasts Trump's sparse welcome for Burnham with the lavish 100-foot red carpet and airport greeting given to Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Main topics

• UK-US diplomatic relations & Andy Burnham's meetings
• Donald Trump's AI rebranding & deregulation stance

Notable quotes

"Trump doesn't know how to give compliments at all"

Conclusion

Listeners gain a satirical breakdown of current political missteps and dipl

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:00) This BBC podcast is supported by ads Speaker 4 (0:02) outside the UK. Speaker 3 (0:09) Welcome to the Haunted Library. Have you come in search of a tale? This podcast invites you to browse the shelves and find stories that will linger long after you've left this place. From gothic masterpieces to pulpy penny dreadfuls, join me, Colin Morgan, with new episodes twice a week. Find The Haunted Library wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 5 (0:39) Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. I'm currently undercover at a secret government laboratory where scientists are working on something to bring this divided nation together. They are cloning Nigella Lawson. After her critically acclaimed addition to the Great British Bake Off, the government is now trying to make sure there is a Nigella Lawson in every part of national life. One in every classroom. One on every roundabout. One operating VAR in every Premier League match. Let's see how it's going. Speaker 5 (1:09) Oh, they've escaped. I didn't realize they'd already hatched. We better get the show started before the entire country has been baked. Welcome to the News Quiz. Speaker 5 (1:24) Let's meet our teams. It's 1990s Film Awareness Week this week, and in tribute to what Piers Morgan said should happen to Earl Spencer's book and what he said was in it, we have Team Pulp against Team Fiction. Speaker 5 (1:36) And in the team pulp we have Robin Morgan and Times columnist Cindy Yu. Speaker 5 (1:42) And on Team Fiction, we have Desiree Birch and Rachel Fairburn. Speaker 5 (1:49) And our first question will go to Desiree and Rachel. I don't think I'm breaking confidence when I say that you are respectively an American and a Northerner. So the question is, which American met which Northerner this week? Speaker 7 (2:01) I mean, I just met Rachel about 30 minutes ago, so glad it made the papers. But yeah, no, this is Andy Burnham. Went to go meet with my disaster, Donald Trump. And did fairly well, apparently. It's weird that everyone's like, oh, yeah, he did really, really well. I mean, I guess he survived Donald Trump shooting at his feet and just dancing around the entire Speaker 6 (2:25) time. Speaker 7 (2:26) Also, Trump loves a winner. That's how he started. He was like, oh, he won in a big landslide. Remember him at the World Cup? Like the oldest Make-A-Wish kid on planet Earth? He loves being around winners. Any time you guys send Burnham over, make sure he's won an arm wrestling contest, like strictly, whatever it is. I just thought it Speaker 1 (2:47) was awkward. Did anyone else think that? To me, it felt like two blokes... The only thing they had in common was the fact that their wives were best friends. And they keep having to speak to each other under duress. And one night they decided after three pints they were going to do a podcast. And that was the result of the conversation. And Andy Burnham, he was messing with his hands quite a lot. I mean, I don't blame him because I wouldn't want to be there either. And then it annoyed me that someone had to ask Andy Burnham about Manchester. Like, give the man a break. Do you know what I mean? He's moved on from that. Speaker 2 (3:25) He's now the Prime Minister. I mean, Andy Badham does talk about Manchester all the time, so I feel like if Speaker 7 (3:30) he Speaker 2 (3:31) stops Speaker 7 (3:31) talking about it, we'll stop talking about it. But he did make sure to wedge Makerfield in there, that place where he was like... MPF for like 15 hours or something. He was like, oh yeah, Makerfield, it's Speaker 6 (3:41) great, Makerfield. It Speaker 4 (3:42) must be so weird for him. He's been a whirlwind. He's been Prime Minister for what, 68 days, I think? And like a few months ago, he was on that stage in Makerfield, stood next to the reform candidate Robert Kenyon, who's got like a history of sexist, misogynistic things. And so much has changed now, because he was stood next to Donald Trump. Speaker 4 (3:59) It's a whirlwind, isn't it? Speaker 5 (4:02) Cindy, what did you make of Furnham's first encounter with... I mean, it's very Speaker 2 (4:06) easy to get on with Donald Trump because you disagree with everything he says. And that's the way people have done it throughout, you know, all of these leaders. Although I did read recently that Mark Ritter, the then Prime Minister of the Netherlands, actually did handshaking practice the night before he met Donald Trump because they knew that Donald Trump was going to try to pull this man towards him in a kind of rugby tackle. And they did handshaking practice where Rutter held his own with his advisors, and the next day it was an even match. And apparently Trump looked at Rutter and was like, yeah, that's fine. Speaker 5 (4:39) I think the official advice if you meet Trump, I can't remember, you're supposed to run in a zigzag and then climb a tree? LAUGHTER Speaker 5 (4:49) Cindy and Robin, Trump described Andy Burnham as a natural what? Speaker 2 (4:54) Blonde. Speaker 5 (4:56) We Speaker 4 (4:57) don't know what was said behind closed doors, so that's possible. He described him as a natural business person, which really sort of made me think, Trump doesn't know how to give compliments at Speaker 8 (5:08) all, Speaker 4 (5:09) does he? It's sort of, you know, like, I've been with my wife for eight years, and the first couple of anniversary cards were delightful, really, really nice, romantic. Eight years in, I'm running out of things to say, to be completely honest. Did I call her a natural business person this year? Yes, I did. She welled up. She loved it. She absolutely loved it. But I feel like Burnham smiled. He kind of smirked when Trump called him there because he's a natural business person. Burnham was like, I've been in politics since I left Cambridge University. I have no real life experience. Maybe he thought like, I could have been a business person. I could be at the Lancashire Business Awards now. Speaker 2 (5:43) I would rather Speaker 4 (5:45) be there than here. Speaker 2 (5:46) He actually has had some private sector experience. For three years, he worked at a trade magazine called Tank Container World. Wow. So there you go. And Tank Container World is very excited about Burnham becoming Prime Minister. I've had a look at their archives recently. This year, they've done numerous articles on Andy Burnham, former journalist, reporter at this parish, now he's Prime Minister. That's Speaker 4 (6:07) so adorable. I'm Speaker 2 (6:08) very Speaker 4 (6:08) excited. Any fans of Tank Container World in? Speaker 8 (6:11) LAUGHTER Speaker 5 (6:14) Trump has had a busy social week as well as meeting Andy Burnham. He's also been meeting with President Cricket Team of China. Sorry, President Eleven. I must stop writing everyone's name in capital letters. Speaker 5 (6:29) I mean, that's quite a high-stakes meeting, Cindy, isn't it? What's on the line with it? Speaker 2 (6:34) Yeah, it is quite high-stakes. It's just the two most powerful countries in the world, both nuclear powers, both AI superpowers, so it's obviously very important that they get along. And I think we've already had some deliverables. Trump got to show off his new helipad. Great. Xi invited 100,000 American young people to China over the next five years. Excellent. And also two new pandas will be going to Atlanta Zoo. So that's what everyone wants to see, really. Forget about AI and nuclear weapons and everything else. Speaker 4 (7:02) I felt really sorry for Andy Boonham because he was there the middle of the week and then 24 hours later, Xi Jinping turned up. And Xi Jinping had a 100-foot red carpet. Trump met him at the airport like a long-distance boyfriend would. You didn't tell me you were coming, Donald. Stop it! My Xi Jinping impression is very good. Andy Boonham didn't get any of that. You'd feel a bit annoyed. You'd feel Speaker 5 (7:27) a bit hurt by it. I mean, in terms of that sort of China-America relation, I mean, China must have spent most of this millennium just giggling quietly to itself about how easy it's proving to become the world's number one superpower. What do you think Xi says to Trump? Does he just say,