25. Finding Freedom from Feeling Worthless with Cameron

Finding Freedom with Peter Crone

In this episode of Finding Freedom, Peter Crone sits down with Cameron to unpack how deep-seated childhood traumas and religious conditioning created

Key takeaways

• Cameron's core identity was shaped by early childhood sexual abuse and being ignored by family members.
• Religious upbringing in a Catholic household instilled a belief that wealth is sinful and leads to being a 'bad' person.

Main topics

• Childhood trauma and its long-term effects
• Religious conditioning and guilt

Notable quotes

You discover on the other side of your own constraints a world of complete freedom, love, possibility, vitality and in this case, abundance.

Conclusion

The episode serves as a transformative guide for anyone trapped in sel

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Hi, this is Peter Crone and you're listening to Finding Freedom. In this episode, I got to have a great conversation with Cameron, whose initial concerns were around money. and particularly wanting to learn how to tap into abundance. So for the millions and millions of people out there who have struggles with finances or perhaps more accurately, a sense of self-worth, this episode is for you. As we reveal, like many people, Cameron had decided at a very young age, particularly in a religious family, that there was something about him that was inherently bad and that he was wrong, which themselves were the direct obstacle to him really being able to tap into his own worth. I hope you enjoy this episode. of Finding Freedom and as always the case, you discover on the other side of your own constraints a world of complete freedom, love, possibility, vitality and in this case, abundance. Sending you much love. Welcome to 2.0 World and I hope this helps you find freedom. Thanks for having me. Speaker 2 (0:55) I'm super excited. Speaker 1 (0:56) How are you feeling? Nervous. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. Kansas is about to go bye-bye. So that's an appropriate feeling to have. I live in Kansas. I made the joke purposely. Would you share what inspired you to reach out and what it is that you feel you'd like to be able to look at during this conversation? Speaker 2 (1:20) Yeah, absolutely. When I sent you the video back, I said that the thing I wanted to work on for the most part was like financial abundance and scarcity. Yeah. Specifically around money. But, you know, since that time, I've had a lot of awareness has come through. And one of my one of my things is that I don't I have a tendency to hide. I don't want to be seen. It's almost like I don't want to take up space to. to tell like my story or where I'm coming from with, with friends and in relationships. So actually for this, I put together some bullet points for myself so I could like be very concise and just give you some story where I'm coming from. That Speaker 1 (2:01) works for me. That's very smart. Yeah. Speaker 2 (2:02) Yeah. So I'm going to be really vulnerable here. That's okay. I appreciate it. And again, Speaker 1 (2:07) this is a safe space. And I know for a man, sometimes the vulnerability part has become a bit of a stigma, you know, that we're supposed to be tough. But I'd actually say some of the toughest men in the world are those who are willing to be vulnerable. Absolutely. Yeah. So go ahead. Okay. So Speaker 2 (2:24) my earliest form of trauma that I can remember started back around age four. I was sexually abused by an adult. in my extended family. I remember about a year after that happened, I talked to my mom about it. I remember her being like in shock. I remember her walking away and never speaking about it again. Speaker 1 (2:50) So Speaker 2 (2:51) then around age six or seven, there was sexual abuse that happened again. This time. with an older kid in extended family and it wasn't like i wasn't the the one being abused but i was the one who had to like watch the door to make sure that you know we weren't being caught um that he wasn't being caught and i remember just like this terrified feeling yeah Speaker 1 (3:14) during that time okay so was the person who was being abused someone you knew yeah there's a boy or a girl uh Speaker 2 (3:24) the the abuser was a boy and the being abused was a girl. Yeah, Speaker 1 (3:28) okay. So Speaker 2 (3:30) the rest of my childhood, I was raised in a Catholic family from birth until 18. Until I was, when I was 18, I decided to leave the church. Speaker 2 (3:44) I have a lot of guilt and shame around things, I think because of that upbringing. I remember tying this back into scarcity. I remember my parents as a child, my parents were always fighting constantly about not having enough money. There was deep resentment on both sides of them within the relationship. I was taught that having too much money is a sin. Being boastful is a sin. People with money are bad people. That was a big part of my childhood. I was raised a middle child, older sister, younger sister. We talked about in the mastermind about not being seen. I felt that a lot growing up. Very sensitive child. I remember having constant stomach aches at school. I remember always calling my mom, asking her to come pick me up. Sometimes she would. Most of the time I was left at school. I remember coming home from school all the time and just falling into the doorway and just crying. And I remember my mom and my sisters just stepping over me and kind of like. saying like, you know, don't do that. And to this day, it's still a kind of a joke in my family of, oh, Cameron's too sensitive, right? He's always been so sensitive. So I learned at a really young age to kind of silence the emotion. Yeah. And that maybe, you know, big feelings were too much, which carried into my adult adulthood. Yeah. Very young, I was introduced around age 12, I was introduced to porn, which became my first addiction, a way of self soothing myself, checking out. Then 18, I was introduced to weed and I became a big time weed smoker day and night for 20 years. It ruled my life. And I used to think that because I was in a creative industry, that that was like a way for me to be more creative. And so I would do that. But, you know, I realized that it was just a way for me not to be present. Speaker 1 (5:42) Yeah. Speaker 2 (5:43) So. Speaker 2 (5:46) Got married early on, trying to do the right thing. We had a baby, was married, stepped out on that relationship, had an affair, ended horrible, got remarried, which is where I'm at today, 16 years into my marriage. Three years ago, my wife said, I'm done because I had another emotional affair. So for the past three years, I've been fighting for that marriage. And actually, tomorrow, my divorce is finalized, which is really interesting timing that here I am with you the day before. So just Speaker 1 (6:18) so that I track, so you got Speaker 2 (6:19) married Speaker 1 (6:19) pretty young. You had a baby with that woman. Then you got divorced, and then you remarried not the same way. You married somebody else? Speaker 2 (6:27) Yeah. Okay. Speaker 1 (6:28) And so that's the divorce that's finalized tomorrow. Speaker 2 (6:32) Yeah. A lot of the same. you know, repeating patterns over and over again. And, um, which were give Speaker 1 (6:39) me the sort of cliff notes, just Speaker 2 (6:41) like basically love bombing someone looking for love outside of myself. Yeah. Um, hoping they could fulfill me. They didn't, I check out, I would go back to my addictions of porn and weed, and then they would become unhappy, leave me here. I am, you know, and then it also, it, Going back to the financial piece really quickly, it's just I've built multiple businesses in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I built them up to be successful. They would get successful, profitable. I'd take my foot off the pedal. I would lose everything to the point where I had gone through bankruptcies in my 20s. I've just three years ago lost everything financially again. I don't know. It's just I feel like I'm trying to prove myself with these businesses of like, oh, I am worthy of love or I am good enough, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's basically kind of a nutshell of where I'm coming from and where I'm at. Speaker 1 (7:34) Okay. All right. Well, I'm glad you're here and thank you for the transparency. That helps me for sure. How does that feel just sharing all of that? I'm just curious. Speaker 2 (7:43) Super scary. Yeah. Speaker 1 (7:45) Yeah. Yeah. Well, I appreciate your courage and I guarantee that you're going to help a lot of people because everything that you shared in some form or another is going to resonate with people, whether it's. precisely where they're at or something that they've been through or something they can certainly just relate to, you know. So this will not be without any sort of contribution to the masses. So it's hopefully will be well worth it. So there's a few things that I hear immediately, right? So the environment you grew up in, first of all, as somebody who genuinely cares, I'm sorry, you know, as a young boy at four and then six and seven going through what you went through, no child should go through that, as sad as it is. It does happen incredibly frequently. It's incredible how many people I work with, even on this show, who have been through some sort of sexual abuse. But nonetheless, I just want to speak to that and say that I'm here and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But the bigger story, I think, is the container you grew up in, right? In the house, what I'm working on when I'm here in this... podcast, but also my mastermind or anyone is looking at the conversations that define us, right? So growing up in a Catholic family, he's going to have certain conversations that you constantly hear, right? You know, you talk about the guilt, the shame, you're a sinner. So because you've done a mastermind, so you're somewhat familiar with the languaging, what have you come up with that could be your sort of primal prisons or constraints that you've been defined by? Speaker 2 (9:24) Well, I relate to a lot of them. Yeah. Speaker 1 (9:30) Well, what did that boy feel like when he falls through the doorway, he's crying and mom and sisters are just stepping over you? Like what does that create for you in the view of yourself? Speaker 2 (9:42) That I'm not important. Yeah. Yeah, just like, yeah. Speaker 1 (9:49) Yeah. So I would say that's a politer version, right? Not important. You know, from the mastermind, we've got sort of the negation of something good. I'm not something that we want. Like we want to be important. I'm not loved. We want to be loved. And then there's the heavier side, which is I am something that is less desirable, right? So what might be the darker shadow side of I'm not important? I am. Speaker 2 (10:19) Well, I felt bad a lot. I feel like I was bad. Yeah. Speaker 1 (10:23) That's the main one that I honestly feel defined you. And I think there's many layers to it. You know, when something like you went through happens at such a young age, you know, the kid can feel confused, can feel like intuitively it's you don't know what's happening, but you can just as a being probably sense that this doesn't feel copious, static. This doesn't feel loving or harmonious. So the story of being bad tends to be, you know, created during those those experiences. But I also think, you know, talk about your religion, because I feel like, again, this is no slight people choose their religion as adults, but typically as kids, we don't. It's sort of inherited or forced upon us. So what could you see living in that environment through the lens of Catholicism might have contributed to that same limitation? Speaker 2 (11:17) Well, there's there's so many things just like hammered in into me there were him like, you know Just like you have to be this way and if you're not this way then you're a sinner and you're bad and yeah you know just like You know, you always have to do the right thing which has led to a lot of people pleasing on my part There's a lot of guilt and shame Speaker 1 (11:41) Yeah, I think that's enough. I mean, to me, the continual theme here that's consistent throughout your childhood, as you said, like, you know, you have to be a certain way. And if you're not, you're a sinner, which really in lay terms to a kid is like you're doing something wrong or bad, right? Yeah. So I think the first one is, you know, cutting to the chase again, because you're somewhat familiar with the work. One of the main pillars of your identity is that you're just bad. You know, Cameron's just bad. Which would then be the precursor and it would explain the behavior, the porn, the weed, the things that you've pursued, the stepping out of the marriage. Those are commensurate with somebody whose view of themselves is bad. So the way that the identity works is however we've defined ourselves, we're going to think, feel, and then act in accordance with that, which then of course becomes self-fulfilling, right? Because you know you shouldn't have done the porn or you know you shouldn't be smoking weed or you know you shouldn't have cheated. But then that knowing, that you shouldn't have done that is just perpetuating the very same story that you did something wrong and you're bad. Right. So just now with me, like, what is it like as you know, grown man, like, how old are you now? 50. 50 to have spent, you know, the predominant chunk of your life, four and a half plus decades as bad. What is that like? What does that hit you as a grown man? It's Speaker 2 (13:02) heavy. Yeah, it's really heavy. I can feel it in my stomach and my chest. Speaker 1 (13:06) Yeah. Yeah, I get it. And I'm sorry that you're experiencing that, but I has is always my want. I'm going to help you step out of it. So that's one. So we'll just we'll just put that to the side for now. Let's go back to the question about the kid who falls through the door from school crying and you said, I'm not important. You know, to me, there's another iteration of that, which, as I said, it's not that it's not accurate to feel not important. Speaker 1 (13:35) But there's something else around that that I think explains your personality kind of a little bit more accurately. So what would be a dark? So I'm bad for sure. But if you're not important, what are you? Speaker 2 (13:54) A lot of times I didn't feel like wanted. Speaker 1 (13:56) Yeah. Yeah. So not important. Again, a darker side is not wanted, right? So not loved hurts. Not wanted is you're actually just discarded, right? And especially when you shared with your mom a year after the event you went through and then she just walks away. Yeah. So when things aren't wanted, they're discarded. They're dismissed. And so what do we call things that we discard or throw out? Trash. Trash, yeah. So I know it's a strong word. And again, I'm not leading the witness here. But, you know, I want you to consider it sort of in that arena, right? That there's something about you that is just the mind, the word that come to mind. And just because you said you've struggled with money is, you know, that you're kind of worthless. Speaker 2 (14:50) Yeah. Speaker 1 (14:51) Right. Like literally you're like a doormat that people are just stepping over, you know, whether you call it not important, not wanted, trash or worthless. They're all bedfellows, right? We really want to feel for you, particularly the correlation to your own sense of worth, which of course is a precursor to, in your case, what you're calling abundance or making money, you know, so you could make money, which really speaks to your potential. But then it would go, right, which really then speaks to your identity, right? So it's sort of the conflict between foot on the accelerator, you know, you're committed, you do the best you can, you try to be the great dad, the great husband, all the things, but then something sabotages that, which is the foot on the brake, which is your own identity, right? So I'm not bad, that you're bad and that you're worthless. And then I think there's one more that I'd