Neigh Their Neighm | Napoleon Invades Russia (Part 7/10)

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Speaker 5 (0:09) Welcome back to Finn vs History. Horatio Gould is here. Hello. And it's time, folks, to get into... Operation... Fuck's sake. It's time to get into... We're about to invade Russia, Charlie. We're Speaker 4 (0:24) about Speaker 5 (0:24) to invade Russia. Speaker 4 (0:25) So, by the way, Charlie has got this bad habit that's starting to piss me off because it's so clearly ingenuine. He sends me voice notes after a chord. Right. He sends this all... Does he do this to you? He sends me sincere messages. Actually, he started sending me... Speaker 5 (0:40) Go on. Speaker 3 (0:40) By the way, mate, I just wanted to say you were fucking electric today. Genuinely. Speaker 3 (0:46) You know, this job's a lot of pressure and easy, but we're working with people like you. It's what kind of gets you through the day. So I just want you to know it's a privilege and I'm always here if you want to talk. Speaker 4 (0:56) Most records. I'm always here if you want to talk. In between records, whether the episode was good, whether it was bad, whether I was good, he would say, you were fucking electric today, mate. Do Speaker 5 (1:06) you know what he sent me? What did you send me yesterday? Speaker 5 (1:09) On Instagram, you sent me a video of a poet reading out his poetry. And how did I reply? One word? Rapist. Yeah. So we are in 1807, okay? Napoleon is at the height Speaker 4 (1:27) of his powers. I can imagine you in Napoleon's army being like, Napoleon, mate, today, you were a fucking elector. You were an elector. You were also, like, after Auschwitz, mate, you were. Speaker 5 (1:35) Auschwitz, that was up there, mate. That was fucking amazing. We all saw it. Speaker 4 (1:40) We Speaker 5 (1:40) all saw it. But Speaker 4 (1:41) you'd also be like that after the Battle of Leipzig or Waterloo. You'd be like, you're electric. You Speaker 5 (1:45) were brilliant today, mate. And he's on an island in the middle of the sea. You were amazing today. You were electric, mate. So, we're in 1807. Okay. Now, to recap, Napoleon is cooking on gas. He has smoked the Austrian and Russians at Austerlitz. Okay. His sperm is working fine, actually. Thank you, Josephine. It's your womb that's fucked. You're the problem. However, he's had to invade Spain with his troops. Portugal have been ignoring his request to not trade with Britain. So he's Speaker 4 (2:23) being Eiffel Towered, to use the phrase that our researcher won't stop bringing up. by the Peninsular War and by the Russia and the Speaker 5 (2:33) East. Speaker 4 (2:33) Austria and Speaker 5 (2:33) Prussia and all that stuff. But Speaker 4 (2:35) instead, at the moment, he is managing to defend against the Alpha Tower by wanking them both off simultaneously. Yeah, very French defence. At the moment, it is quite seamless, which is a very hard thing to do. No. It's basically still maintain, you know, wanking off on both fronts. Speaker 5 (2:49) Yes, it is very hard. Yeah. They are skilled women. So at the moment, Speaker 4 (2:53) he's doing a good job. Speaker 5 (2:54) Now, Sir John Moore... Has had his chest blown out by a cannonball, but he's actually fine. Thank you. He's fine I don't need to bother about it. Put some Speaker 4 (3:03) more stuff in there just fine. Speaker 5 (3:05) I'll let me I reckon I can take it Yeah, the British have successfully evacuated Spain We've left Wellington in Portugal for the night while we go out and dine out on Russian tapas so What's been happening in mainland Europe while the peninsula war is kicking off now? In February 1807, we get to the Battle of Ilao. Ilao, brother. Ilao, brother. Speaker 4 (3:27) Ilao, brother. Speaker 5 (3:28) Ilao, brother. Speaker 4 (3:30) The Battle of Ilao. Ilao, brother. Now, this Speaker 5 (3:34) is in modern-day Poland in the winter of 1807. This is just before the Peninsular War has kicked off. So it ends in a big standoff with the Russians at Ilao. Speaker 5 (3:49) Snowstorms are blinding artillery and it means, tragically, the French fire directly into their own troops. Right. Speaker 4 (3:57) Autoerotic artillery. Artillery. Speaker 5 (3:59) It's Speaker 4 (3:59) a Speaker 5 (3:59) dangerous game, Matt. And so it's a French victory. It doesn't feel like one because they've literally shot themselves with cannons. Right, Speaker 4 (4:06) right. Speaker 5 (4:06) So Napoleon is quite shaken. So he spends hours riding among his own corpses. An officer recalls, he seemed old the next morning. Okay. Which is a bit of an understatement. So he's an empath. 50,000 dead. 25,000 French. Speaker 4 (4:23) A slaughterhouse. Is this Speaker 5 (4:24) one of Speaker 4 (4:24) the... So it's kind of equal casualties, but the French have... Scored a lot Speaker 5 (4:29) of Speaker 4 (4:29) own goals. Right. Speaker 5 (4:30) And he's an artillery officer. That's what he was originally. So I think this is extra painful. Right. Because Speaker 4 (4:34) that's the first rule of artillery officers. Don't Speaker 5 (4:37) shoot your own men. Speaker 4 (4:38) Yeah. Speaker 5 (4:39) So now... But first do no harm. But first don't shoot your own men. That's what Speaker 4 (4:44) the artillery officers say. Speaker 5 (4:47) Now, in 1807, there is the Treaty of Tilsit. Oh, Speaker 4 (4:51) God, yeah. Speaker 5 (4:52) Now, Tilsit on my face. Fuck. Napoleon. Tilsit on my face. Speaker 5 (5:00) Now, Napoleon meets his Russian counterpart, Tsar Alexander I, in East Prussia. Neither sovereign is willing to step onto the other one's territory, so the French carpenters build a massive raft to anchor it in the centre of a river, and it's kind of like a neutral zone. DMZ, right? But a kind of bromance... Leave me Speaker 4 (5:19) halfway, light up the borderline, where I'm going to stay for you... That's what this song's about. I'm 36, I know what that song is. You know that song. Yeah? What is it, Phoebs? What is the song? Meet me halfway Right on the borderline That's Speaker 3 (5:34) where Speaker 4 (5:34) I'm going to stay For you I'll be walking out Night Speaker 3 (5:40) and day Yeah, Black Eyed Peas Put Speaker 4 (5:42) my heart Speaker 3 (5:42) on the limit And this is Speaker 5 (5:44) where I'm going to Yeah, Tom Jones. What a singer. What a man. Speaker 4 (5:50) You're touching grass. Touching Jones. Speaker 5 (5:53) That's my mental health. That's my mental health safe place. Now, Napoleon is bewitched by this young, handsome Tsar, Alexander I, right? And he writes to Josephine, if he were a woman, I think I'd make him my mistress. I think I'd do a lot of damage. Yeah. He doesn't say that last bit. Speaker 4 (6:08) There's a homoerotic side to it. Speaker 5 (6:11) Well, totally. Now, is Napoleon fat at this point? When does he get fat? I think he's getting quite chubby. Speaker 4 (6:16) Yes. Because Speaker 5 (6:17) the Napoleonic paunch is Speaker 4 (6:19) a... Speaker 5 (6:19) Yeah, Speaker 4 (6:19) the Speaker 5 (6:19) silhouette Speaker 4 (6:19) of Napoleon is always quite fat. Yeah, Speaker 5 (6:22) but it's not fat. It's more like portly. Because the tailoring of the time, you know, the jacket's quite high up and then it just reveals the belly. It's almost like the belly is the feature of the... The cloth is cut to reveal the belly. Speaker 4 (6:34) Yes. Almost. Speaker 5 (6:35) The paunch is graceful. Speaker 4 (6:37) Yes, it is. It implies wisdom, it implies wealth, Speaker 5 (6:40) health. Yeah, Speaker 4 (6:40) high Speaker 5 (6:40) breeches, small paunch, hands behind the... But he's Speaker 4 (6:44) on his way to being his fattest. Yes. At this point. Speaker 5 (6:48) He will be fattest in 1818. Thank you, Phoebe. It's Speaker 3 (6:50) partly the mirror image of fat with a P. Speaker 3 (6:55) portly palg. He's a portly-ass white guy. Speaker 4 (6:58) You have to ignore him. You have to learn to ignore him. Just let them out into Speaker 3 (7:02) the Speaker 4 (7:02) ether as if you don't know who Speaker 3 (7:03) he is. So Speaker 4 (7:03) Russia Speaker 5 (7:03) becomes France's ally as a result of Tilsit on my face. And this, Prussia loses half its territory and now most of continental Europe answers directly to Napoleon. So it's in the aftermath of Tilsit that arguably is at the zenith of his power. Speaker 4 (7:19) And Tilsit's after the... stand up with the Russians where he blew up most of his own men. Yes. But that did lead them to come to the table. And Speaker 5 (7:26) this is just before the Peninsular War. So here Speaker 4 (7:28) is where... So Russia, they've started, there's Speaker 5 (7:31) a Speaker 4 (7:31) bromance of sexual tension and he's agreed, you can now turn your ass to me, Napoleon, and I won't fuck it. Wink, wink. Wink, yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaker 5 (7:37) And Napoleon's like, yeah, no, I won't fuck it. Yeah. Speaker 4 (7:40) I won't enjoy it if you do. I won't enjoy it if you do. I wouldn't fucking love that. Speaker 5 (7:44) So to celebrate the Treaty of Tilsit, Napoleon's Chief of Staff organises a rabbit hunt. Now it should be said, this is the time in Portugal, Wellington, such an arch-conservative, that he organised fox hunts. He imported fox hounds from Britain to have fox hunts during battles. That's incredible. Speaker 4 (8:01) during battles I'm bored by this release the foxes he's someone who doesn't seem to have a homerotic side to his life no there doesn't seem to be that gate Speaker 5 (8:09) is shut has there ever been a straighter man than the Duke of Wellington look at that look at that man huge nose old nosy long face long face yeah I mean that's such an evocative painting we're looking at now yeah You really get the disdain. He disdains me for looking at him. Speaker 4 (8:29) He speaks about his army the way you speak about... Speaker 5 (8:31) My fans. Scum of the earth. Absolute scum of the earth. Anyway. So, thousands of domesticated rabbits are purchased to ensure a high body count for Napoleon. Do Speaker 4 (8:46) you have a high body count? Not Speaker 5 (8:47) of rabbits. Speaker 4 (8:48) Okay. Speaker 5 (8:48) My girlfriends have a high body count of rabbits. Yeah. because I can't satisfy them, so they buy a lot of rampant rabbits. So these rabbits were farm-raised, it turns out, and so they associated humans with food. So when they were released, they all charged at Napoleon, thousands of them, and then Napoleon generals whipped and shot the stampede, but the animals were relentless. So he basically gets fucking mauled by rabbits looking for carrots. Did Speaker 2 (9:16) he Speaker 5 (9:16) die? No, he didn't Speaker 2 (9:17) die. Speaker 5 (9:17) That's not the end of the Napoleon story, Charlie. Speaker 4 (9:23) Yeah, and then he died in that. See you guys next week. Episode seven, that's the Speaker 5 (9:27) end of the series. Yeah. Napoleon dies after thousands of domesticated rabbits charge him. Fucking idiot. Speaker 5 (9:36) So in 1809 the height of his power. Yeah, Napoleon decides to divorce old blackmouth Josephine, right? Speaker 4 (9:46) 13 years of marriage. It's a true love though. This is something that you have to give to the pony and Josephine is quite an interesting love story for a man who's so power-hungry and has kind of conquered at all Josephine It she's remains kind of a constant and even after their divorce is clearly He still has the... She's Speaker 5 (10:02) got a black mouth. I mean, where do you find that again? Do you know what I mean? If you're into that... And he's looking all over for Speaker 4 (10:08) it. Speaker 5 (10:08) He's looking for it. Yeah. You know, if you... It's like she's got rotten gums. Yeah. The smell. She'll kiss. The taste of her lips will be completely different to anyone else. Listeners, my book is out now. The History of Mankind in its Entirety. Abridged. It may be a bestseller. We don't Speaker 4 (10:26) know. I'm sure it will. It's going to eat Gillian Anderson for breakfast. Speaker 5 (10:29) Gillian Anderson, who's written a book of anonymous women's sex confessions, right? It's been up against this for Sunday Times bestseller. It is a referendum on the soul of the country. Okay. You know who you should vote for. Vote for this guy. He's not taking any shit. Speaker 4 (10:41) Yeah. This guy's Speaker 5 (10:42) listening to women's anonymous sexual confessions. Yeah. Fuck is he? Go away. I don't want to know. Whatever you do is disgusting. I don't want to be part of it. Yeah. Speaker 4 (10:48) If you like the pod, you'll love the book fundamentally. Fundamentally. Speaker 5 (10:51) And I know what you're thinking. I can't read. That's where audiobooks come in. Audiobooks are one of this century's great inventions. You know, they've made books more accessible for people who are too thick to read. You can get it from all good bookshops and the shit ones that are run by pedos. All available bookshops and audio retail stores. I read the audiobook in case anyone's been like, oh, is it you? Yeah, of course it's me. Who else Speaker 4 (11:16) would it be? Speaker 5 (11:16) History of Mankind in its entirety. Abridged. Available now. Want to know what's happening in US politics without getting too depressed? American Friction could be the answer. Every Speaker 2 (11:26) Monday and Friday, we analyse the biggest news, characters and mishaps in America. That's American Friction. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 6 (11:37) It's time for race rankings. We've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Kerolean Indians. Oh, they're performing well at the moment. Listen, they are hot. sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now. Speaker 7 (11:53) Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screen Rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's Speaker 6 (12:04) our Speaker 7 (12:04) vibe. Speaker 6 (12:05) Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby. So Speaker 7 (12:13) listen to the Screen Rock podcast if that's Speaker 6 (12:14) the Speaker 7 (12:14) kind Speaker 5 (12:15) of thing. We'll see you there. After Speaker 6 (12:17) 13 years Speaker 5 (12:17) of marriage, however, she had failed to produce an heir. And because he's an emperor, he's essentially a king. And he's proven that it's not his problem because he's had a baby with an 18-year-old because he's fucking cool. He's a Speaker 4 (12:28) legend. Speaker 5 (12:29) He's a Speaker 4 (12:29) legend. Speaker 5 (12:30) So they separate at an emotional ceremony in 1809. Josephine is a strange one because she never seems to like him. And yet she seems to like the life that he provides for her. Yeah. It's a classic feminine tale, isn't it? so you don't like me but you like all the stuff I give you let Speaker 4 (12:50) that one sit Speaker 5 (12:52) You'll get there. You'll get there soon enough. I'm surprised you're not already there, actually. Anyway. So, Josephine keeps the title of Empress Queen, and she receives a yearly allowance of two... Empress Queen. Empress Queen. Empress Queen. And she receives a yearly allowance of two million francs from the state. That's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot of money. Now, Napoleon... Speaker 4 (13:13) Well, it's not two million francs from the state. That must be... Oh, I don't know what the francs... The Speaker 5 (13:20) franc will be worth five euros. Right, Speaker 4 (13:21) fine. Speaker 5 (13:22) So, in her absence, Napoleon, still horny, of course, is French. He meets a girl called Marie-Louise, the Duchess of Parma. Now, she was born in 1791. Nice. Yeah, interesting to look at. That's a googly of a face, that is. I don't know if it's ugly or not. I can't tell what's coming at me. But Speaker 4 (13:44) I Speaker 5 (13:44) like it. I'm confused. Well, I'm confused. I'm disharmed. She looks lovely. Speaker 3 (13:49) Look at her. Yeah, no, Speaker 5 (13:50) she does look Speaker 3 (13:51) nice. She looks like my friend Daisy. I Speaker 4 (13:52) like the kind of baddies who have the eyes really far apart. I think it can go so far apart that it becomes very attractive again. Hammerhead shark. Yeah. Hammerhead shark. Yeah. baddies. Speaker 5 (14:01) So her childhood is filled with stories portraying Napoleon as