The One Where Licensed Therapist Minaa B. Listens To Your Stories

Everybody Knows But Me

Host Holly Brown and producer Pete Musto are joined by licensed therapist and author Mina B. to analyze wild, listener-submitted family stories spanning sibling rivalry, generational trauma, and dysfunctional

Key takeaways

• Licensed therapist Mina B. introduces the Siblinghood Theory to explain how early sibling dynamics and childhood roles dictate adult relationship patterns and workplace behavior.
• Host Holly Brown identifies herself as a cycle breaker, reframing her role as the family rebel into a necessary step toward healing generational dysfunction.

Main topics

• sibling dynamics
• parentification

Notable quotes

You can love your sibling and not like them.

Conclusion

The episode offers listeners a psychologically grounded yet humorous l

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Next Chapter Podcasts Speaker 2 (0:05) Everybody's a sumbo Speaker 2 (0:11) Before we get to this episode, Everybody Knows But Me needs your help. The show has gone through some big changes from season one to season two. So we made a very short listener survey because we want to know what you, my trauma squad, my dark humor babies, actually like about the pod and want more of. The link is in our show notes, and if you fill it out, producer Pete and I will make custom throwback commercials featuring your names in upcoming episodes. Yes, we are bribing you with personalized fake 90s advertising. Come on! Holy Speaker 4 (0:52) moly! Speaker 2 (0:53) But really, these surveys genuinely help us understand who's listening, what you all love, and how we can be better. We put our everything into this show for the people we care about. And look in the mirror, baby, because it's you. So again, head to the link in our show notes, fill out our survey, and tell us how you feel. Speaker 5 (1:17) First of all, why do you think this guy keeps having kids? Because he doesn't want to take care Speaker 1 (1:22) of them, it seems like. There are people like Marcus who Speaker 2 (1:26) do Speaker 1 (1:26) not do the inner work to recognize that they are the problem in every scenario that they're in. Speaker 3 (1:33) Which brings us to the actual family secret. Not all of these kids know that Marcus is their dad. or that they're even all siblings. Eli has grown up believing that his grandparents, that we mentioned earlier, are his parents. So at some point, someone has to tell him that the man he knows as Speaker 2 (1:50) his brother is actually his father. Okay, dear listeners, it's the time you've been waiting for. The time when we stop being polite and start getting real. The real world. Speaker 4 (2:03) Back to New York. Speaker 2 (2:04) Wait, wrong show, but right place. That's right, folks. Not that long ago, Everybody Knows But Me went to the Big Apple for a very special episode we know you're going to love. But first, a fun quick announcement. Everybody Knows But Me was nominated for two freaking International Women's Podcast Awards for comedy and storytelling. Speaker 2 (2:32) The show is also a finalist in the Best Indie Podcast category for the Signal Awards. And even if we don't take home bronze, silver, or gold, you can actually vote for us for listener's choice anytime between now and October 15th by going to vote.signalaward.com. Please vote for me. Please vote for us. I am so damn proud of this show and everyone who makes it with me, and I sure hope we win. Follow at Holly Brown Comedy and at Everybody Knows But Me on Instagram to find out how we do. Speaker 2 (3:14) Okay, back to family business. From the very beginning of this podcast, we've asked you guys out there to send in your own fucked up family stories. And over this past season and a half, we've received so many stories that have made me feel less alone, made me laugh at the absurdity of what families can put each other through, and made me go, Speaker 2 (3:40) Reading them has genuinely changed my life. It's made me realize just how many of us are walking around every day with a story stranger than fiction bubbling under the surface while still being expected to, like, file your taxes correctly and remember to buy toilet paper. Speaker 2 (4:01) And today we're sharing some of those stories with you. But I'm not doing it alone. I met two, count them, two very special guests in New Speaker 4 (4:12) York City. Speaker 4 (4:17) full of mindless media meant to numb the masses, one man stands alone in the fight to create something more than just what can be boiled down into a bucket of boring, creatively soulless slop labeled content. Speaker 4 (4:37) Immediately! Move, move, move! Here's Producer Pete. Whoa, Speaker 2 (4:42) whoa, whoa. Hang on. This is my show, and I'm the only one who gets to call a time out around here. Get back to your editing cage, you little worm. Speaker 5 (4:53) My bad. I got a taste of power for four seconds, and it went straight to my head. Sorry, Holly. Speaker 2 (5:01) That's right, listeners and viewers. Your long-awaited Producer Pete episode has finally arrived. Speaker 4 (5:08) Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a very special guest with me today. My brother, the eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane. Hello, Emerald City. What's doing? What's happening? Speaker 2 (5:22) Season one listeners know Pete as our trusty announcer, always ready to sell you a nostalgic Gatorade flavor while casually dropping a painfully funny truth bomb in our fake sitcom commercials. Today, Pete brings his hilarious, smart, wonderfully dark brain for the episode as my fellow comedian slash regular person perspective on your stories. And because two comedians should not be solely responsible for unpacking generational trauma, We also brought an actual professional. Mina B is a licensed therapist, author, and creator of The Siblinghood Theory. Her work looks at how our earliest relationships with siblings and peers teach us about belonging, boundaries, conflict, and repair, and how those patterns have an annoying little habit of following us into adulthood. Which is... perfect for a podcast largely about asking, wait, my family did what? Mina also has a podcast, This Feels Familiar, where she explores the patterns we keep finding ourselves in and why they feel so, well, familiar. She also has a new book coming out that's available for pre-order now, titled Siblinghood, How to Resolve Conflict, Heal Resentment, and Find Peace in Your Sibling Relationships. So today, The three of us are digging into your stories. Family secrets, sibling dynamics, dysfunctional patterns, some of the same themes we've been exploring since season one. Mina is here to help us understand what might actually be happening underneath all of them. And Pete and I are here as two little rascals and silly billies who cope through jokes, as it should be. Speaker 2 (7:09) And truly, a huge thank you to every single person who has trusted us with a story. We read them all. We're so incredibly grateful for this weird, hilarious, vulnerable community we've built together. I couldn't bear my soul on this show without you guys doing it right back, and you will always have a trauma buddy in me. Without further ado, I'm Holly Brown. a comedian who knows a thing or two about trauma bonding over a dark childhood. From Next Chapter Podcasts and Companion, this is the one with listener-submitted stories. And help from an actual therapist, Mina B. Speaker 3 (7:52) Thank you so much for being here. Thank Speaker 1 (7:55) you. Speaker 3 (7:55) I mean, listeners are getting their first view of Pete. Speaker 5 (7:58) They're all like, dear God. Speaker 3 (8:01) Slam's laptop closed immediately. Speaker 4 (8:03) Why did they pivot to video? Why? Speaker 3 (8:07) Suddenly, all the headlines are like, video is actually out. We've all decided collectively. Pete Musto has ruined everything. But Pete is here. We're so happy to have Pete. And then, of course, Mina, we're so happy to have you here. I think we can just kind of dive right into our first story. Speaker 5 (8:24) And you can think of me, Mina, as just a sort of useful idiot to ask questions like, what's a Speaker 4 (8:29) feeling? Speaker 5 (8:30) Got to feed. You know? Thank you for that. The male perspective, you know? Yes, yeah. What's Speaker 2 (8:34) a Speaker 5 (8:34) feeling? I Speaker 3 (8:35) know. When we were thinking about this episode, we were like, you know what we really need is a man. Speaker 5 (8:40) A very stupid man, by the way. So you're all aware. Speaker 3 (8:44) Well, you know, we do have some male listeners, so thank God Pete's here. Speaker 5 (8:49) I'm your avatar. Speaker 3 (8:50) Yeah, yeah. And I'm so excited to go through these stories because not only are they like absolutely, and also we do curse on this podcast. Not only are they like totally fucking wild, a lot of these Speaker 2 (8:59) stories, Speaker 3 (9:00) but I feel like I know I instantly, obviously these people listen to season one and I relate so much to these stories. And we got so many that I can imagine getting to share these with our listeners are going to relate a lot to them as well. So I'm really excited. Speaker 5 (9:13) Yeah, there's hard to choose. There's a lot Speaker 3 (9:15) of Speaker 5 (9:15) really good ones. Please keep sending them because it really lets us know that you were doing something. Yeah. Speaker 3 (9:22) And Mina, you have a podcast as well. So I imagine you also hear from people that are like, thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you. I needed to hear that exactly right now. Exactly now. Thank Speaker 1 (9:33) you for the free therapy. Yeah. Speaker 3 (9:36) I know. You're like, wait a minute. I should be charging. Speaker 1 (9:39) I Speaker 5 (9:39) got to Speaker 3 (9:39) paywall this shit. Okay, so I am so excited to dive into our first listener story because it is a wild one. And just so everyone knows, we did change all names. We changed all names and locations to make everything totally anonymous for people. But you, dear listener, you'll know who you are. You're going to know your own family secrets. So this, I'm going to take you guys on a journey with these stories. Okay. Starting with Ben's story. All right. Now, Ben's brother, Marcus, was adopted internationally when Ben was a kid, and the two could not have been more different. Growing up in the Midwest, Ben describes himself as the golden child trying to please their parents, while Marcus was the rebel constantly throwing the family into chaos. What? I've never heard that dynamic in my life. Speaker 5 (10:22) That Speaker 3 (10:23) chaos really kicked into high gear when Marcus got his high school girlfriend, Danielle, pregnant before graduation. They got engaged, had their son, and moved into a tiny apartment with... two other couples. And this is where things fully go off the rails. One of their roommates made a pass at Danielle, got into a fight with Marcus. kicked him out, and then allegedly threatened Marcus through people with gang connections. You know, very calm stuff. Marcus went into hiding. Meanwhile, Danielle left town with the roommate who had hit on her, leaving the baby behind. CPS got involved. Danielle's parents took Eli in, and Marcus eventually surrendered his parental rights completely. For more than a decade, Eli has been raised by his grandparents, calling them mom and dad. Eventually, Marcus came out of hiding, bounced through a string of relationships, and then met Rachel. They married, had two kids, Mason and Owen. Less than a year after Owen was born, Marcus pawned Rachel's wedding ring and filed an insurance claim saying it was lost. Marcus, you are a fucking rascal. They both ended up facing legal trouble over it. Marcus took responsibility and ultimately pleaded to a lesser charge and at his sentencing turned to Rachel and said, don't say I never did nothing for you. Shockingly, folks, the marriage did not survive this grand romance. Shockingly. Shockingly. Rachel filed for divorce and Marcus lost his house, his job, his savings, and custody of all the kids. Not long afterward, he started dating someone else. And you guys guessed it. Within months, they were engaged and had a baby. So, which brings us to the actual family secret. Not all of these kids know that Marcus is their dad or that they're even all siblings. Eli has grown up believing that his grandparents, that we mentioned earlier, are his parents. So at some point, someone has to tell him that the man he knows as his brother is actually his father. And Ben, our submitter, he had one final concern that I think we all very much agree with Ben. I have a bad gut feeling my brother Marcus isn't done procreating yet. That vasectomy keeps getting kicked down the road. My God. So we got a little bit of everything in this story. We have a family secret where somebody one day, much like I found out, is going to find out that what they thought was their family is not in fact their family. And we also have a lot of sibling dynamics in this story. Speaker 5 (12:44) Yeah, I mean, what I'm curious about, Mina, is, you know, first of all, why do you think this guy keeps having kids? You know, like, at some point, because he doesn't want to take care of them, it seems like, you know? Yeah. I mean, don't say I never did anything for you. That's a motto he lives by. But, yeah, I mean, like, is there anything you can glean from that? Speaker 1 (13:09) Mm-hmm. Speaker 1 (13:11) Very good question, Pete. Speaker 4 (13:13) I Speaker 1 (13:13) think a lot of people would want to know why does he keep having children? A few things come to my mind when I hear this story. There are people like Marcus who do not do the inner work to recognize that they are the problem in every scenario that they're in. So there are times where... I would say I'm going to just use Marcus as the example here. It's possible that he might go into this relationship thinking I'm different now. Speaker 3 (13:41) Yeah. Thinking Speaker 1 (13:42) I'm going to be a better version of myself and realize he has not done the inner work he needed to do to sustain the families that he's building. So that's one. Number two, I do think that, and Pete, maybe you can chime in here for the men. There are some men who don't necessarily feel obligated to raise their children. And so there's another layer here where having a baby really isn't considered a major responsibility to them. It's just a thing. I Speaker 3 (14:15) mean, they do Speaker 1 (14:15) it so Speaker 3 (14:15) easily. They do it so easily. They don't have to do a lot of the hard work. Literally Speaker 1 (14:18) the labor. Exactly. Yeah. I'll be very frank here. They enjoy the sexual act and they're not necessarily thinking about the consequence that comes from it, which is I'm potentially making a child while doing this and therefore my responsibilities will change. Speaker 3 (14:37) So Speaker 1 (14:37) that's another layer. I do think there are some men who don't think beyond the desire and the satisfaction that they want in that moment. I think the other thing here, too, is. Marcus also has people enabling some of this behavior. Speaker 4 (14:54) Okay. He Speaker 1 (14:55) had his first child and grandparents decided to raise the kid. So, all right, I'm done. Someone took care of the child. It's not like I had to surrender the child to CPS or the child is put them at a fire station or anything like that. They're being raised by my grandparents. So that's okay. Then he meets another person. I don't know if that was made explicitly clear, but I would assume that maybe the mother is taking care of the next set of children. And then there's a repeated pattern here. So there are times where people make these decisions because they realize there really aren't any consequences for what I'm doing because I've done it before and I did it before and I did it before. Speaker 5 (15:40) And Speaker 1 (15:41) people keep having kids with me. Or people keep helping me in the process. Maybe people keep rescuing me from the situation. Now, there's another layer here, too. He might be lying. I don't know if these other women even know that he has these other children. There's a lot of pieces in Speaker 3 (15:57) the Speaker 1 (15:57) story that there's some subtext missing from Speaker 3 (16:00) here. So Speaker 1 (16:01) that's another part where it is possible, too, he can get away with some of this because maybe nobody, as you said, it doesn't sound like the children know about each other. So maybe the women. don't know that he has had children with other people. Right. So in that context, it's not necessarily enabling. It's just deceit, Speaker 3 (16:18) you know. Speaker 1 (16:19) And so there is a variety of reasons, Pete, as to why Marcus might be making these decisions. I wish Marcus was here right now. Me Speaker 3 (16:29) too. To really tell us what's going on Speaker 1 (16:31) in his head before he has that next child. I hope he does not have another one. But those are some things that can happen in these type of scenarios. Speaker 4 (16:40) Well, I Speaker 1 (16:41) mean, as a man who also Speaker 5 (16:42) loves the act of sex, I did get a vasectomy. You know what I mean? I didn't get that canned down the road because I was like, I have one kid. I was like, I don't want any more. I love my daughter to death, but I'm not like, I don't want to chase two of them around. You know what I mean? I just, I'm curious, like what, is it just like men being cowards when they're not just like, let me get a vasectomy. At least I got that base covered. You know what I mean? You know, Speaker 3 (17:06) my. Husband has a vasectomy and anytime he tells other men that he has a vasectomy, there is like a, you can see their faces. They're like, their reaction is not like, cool. It's like, really? Speaker 1 (17:18) You know, like Speaker 3 (17:19) there is, I mean, I'm sure it just goes back to, you know, manhood and all those manliness factors. But Marcus, you gotta have a vasectomy. Speaker 1 (17:29) You got to. You got to. But I agree. I think a lot of men think it's emasculating. Yes. I never really hear it. talked about in an empowered way. Yeah, you're right. It's always, my wife made me do this, or can you believe I have to do this? There's always some blame Speaker 3 (17:43) attached Speaker 1 (17:44) to it, or there's this feeling that I won't be as powerful as I think I am, or I just won't be a man, because... Some men do think it's a very emasculating process to go through. So I think that's another dying can of worms. I know, but I like how that is Speaker 3 (18:00) emasculating. Like having a vasectomy would be emasculating, but not raising your children is not emasculating. Like that's the most emasculating thing to me. Oh my God. But it's so interesting that you were like saying that Marcus. in this story like he has had not had consequences because Speaker 2 (18:17) the Speaker 3 (18:17) consequences we get in this story have nothing to do with the kids it's like he's pawned the ring off he got in trouble for that it's not like he got in trouble for not raising his kids and like how do you how does this ben his brother how do you love somebody who's just constantly creating chaos and then like can you love somebody who's constantly creating that chaos without becoming responsible and enabling like how would you navigate that Speaker 1 (18:41) It is possible. So the first thing that's important here is to understand the nuance of our relationships. You can