#580 - Seething Resentment, Lance Legstrong and Director Deputy Director General

Elis James and John Robins

Elis James and John Robins open with Elis detailing a severe hangover from drinking in Portugal while watching Wales lose to football. The conversation pivots to a recent meetup

Key takeaways

• Elis James drank pints of bitter, Guinness, and margaritas while watching Wales lose in Portugal, resulting in a severe hangover.
• The hosts joke about stripping Manchester City's titles, comparing their financial dominance to Lance Armstrong's doping scandal and referencing solicitor David Pannick.

Main topics

• Hangovers & drinking habits
• Manchester City title stripping & Lance Armstrong comparison

Notable quotes

I resent you. I woke up this morning and I felt horrific.

Conclusion

The episode delivers a blend of comedic personal mishaps, sports controversy banter, and practical

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:00) Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John. If Speaker 3 (0:04) you head over to patreon.com slash Ellis and John, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including... Mini Olympics. It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump. Bird Speaker 4 (0:15) watching. My two favourite things are birds and football. Retaking our driving tests. I Speaker 3 (0:20) am chock Speaker 4 (0:20) full of adrenaline. Yeah, me too. It's absolutely horrible. Speaker 3 (0:24) And you can watch our latest episode now. The Pottery Challenge. I should warn you, pottery makes me horny. We shouldn't have worn those lights short. Speaker 4 (0:33) So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com slash ellisonjohn Speaker 5 (0:38) now. Speaker 5 (0:42) This is going to be an absolute banger. Speaker 1 (0:44) I'm Amanda Unity, Speaker 5 (0:45) and this is Strong Message Here, where we stress, test political buzzwords and phrases. Anything Speaker 1 (0:50) that starts with the British people really want to see. Unless you've spoken to every Tom, Dick and Maureen, you don't know what I want to see. Every week, along with guests, Speaker 3 (0:57) writers and comedians, we'll cut through the waffle. Speaker 1 (1:00) You never hear untenable, except when it is preceded by, frankly, I think their position has become. Strong Message Here, decoding the doublespeak of politics. That's diplomacy. Listen on BBC Sounds. Speaker 3 (1:34) Hello everyone, welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins show, where we have travelled back in time to 2016, and one of us is a little bit hungover. We don't get that much anymore, considering we start at 11am. What we should say is, it's not you, thank God. Oh no, that would be a good show though. Awards, Dave. No, it wouldn't. Didn't get a nom last night at the BPAs. Speaker 5 (2:01) Oh, we've had enough. We'd get an Speaker 3 (2:02) award. What, if you came in hammered? Yeah, best relapse. Speaker 3 (2:08) A clip of me absolutely lashed. Yeah. Speaker 5 (2:12) It maybe wouldn't have visual innovation, I don't know. What, if he was sick on the camera? Win Best Impact Award. Technicolor Broadcast. Speaker 3 (2:21) Yeah. No, I saw a photo on Instagram of a father of two having a half pint of mild. Where was this? Well, no, it wasn't on Instagram. It was in our text group. Oh, right, OK. Yeah, Ellis was smiling and... Bounding around the Betsy Trotwood pub. Yes. With a little half. And look at him now going over to his rucksack saying he wants to die. He's 45. Does it Speaker 5 (2:49) bring it all come rushing back, John? Does it bring it all come rushing back? Yeah, that's how I say it, actually. Speaker 3 (2:55) I don't Speaker 5 (2:56) know how you Speaker 3 (2:56) want to use English language, but... You know, there is a certain... I'm about to... The... Speaker 3 (3:05) Yes, it does. Okay, good. Okay, I don't know. It brings it all rushing back to Speaker 4 (3:09) John. Sorry about that. It brings it Speaker 3 (3:11) all rushing back. Talk me through it. You sure? Speaker 4 (3:17) The great Lloyd Lankford. Back from Australia. I've not seen him, I don't think, since Josh Whitcomb's wedding, which was in 2019. Good Speaker 3 (3:27) grief, in Spain? Speaker 4 (3:28) Yeah. Wow. So he did Edinburgh, but I wasn't in Edinburgh that year, a couple of years ago. Does he Speaker 5 (3:36) live in Australia? He Speaker 4 (3:38) lives in Australia. He's doing really well in Australia. He's got a big star in Australia. Speaker 5 (3:41) Cool. And Speaker 4 (3:41) he's an old friend of ours, me and Charles. We've both known him, Lloyd, for years and years. He's such a fantastic bloke. Yeah. So he was back. Speaker 3 (3:50) Dave, he talks like this. Yeah. That's his voice. Who am I thinking of? I could listen to it all day. Yeah. Speaker 5 (3:58) I've been thinking of Lloyd Griffith in my head the whole time. Speaker 4 (4:00) No, I saw Lloyd Griffith last week. Okay. Lloyd Langford, I do not know. I took photos of Lloyd Griffith's calves to send to a sort of calf WhatsApp group I'm in. because Lloyd Griffith has the nicest legs of any man I've ever met. Speaker 2 (4:13) Okay. Speaker 4 (4:14) Anyway, so Lloyd Langford was back. So it was me, the great Matt Ford, the great Ivo Graham. and the great Ed Gamble. And we went for a drink. I've burnt the candle at both ends this week because I went to Portugal last week to watch Wales lose. Yeah. And I'm... What an odd thing to do with your spare time. I'm... Speaker 4 (4:38) And you knew Speaker 3 (4:39) they were going to lose before you went, didn't you? Yes. Speaker 5 (4:42) I think I'll be doing a lot of that with my spare time soon, knowing how things are going with my football club. So I'll be in Alice's camp. Speaker 3 (4:48) Well, Dave, you just watched them lose 10 years of trophies. Yeah, yeah. So I'll be in Alice's camp and it'll be a good use of time. It will be a good use of time. You can go to the official stripping. Speaker 5 (4:59) Oh, that'd be Speaker 3 (5:00) good. It would be a parade. Speaker 5 (5:01) Yeah, Speaker 3 (5:01) the Speaker 5 (5:02) Asterix parade. Speaker 3 (5:03) When they stripped Lance Armstrong, and from now on, we refer to Man City as the Lance Armstrong of football. Speaker 5 (5:09) Different in a way, actually. Well, no, Speaker 3 (5:12) because they're basically injecting money into their veins, Dave. Speaker 5 (5:15) Okay. Speaker 3 (5:16) Fine. Speaker 4 (5:17) The people who came second in the Tour de France to Lance Armstrong are not regarded as the winners of the Tour de France. Are they not? Interesting. There Speaker 3 (5:23) are Speaker 4 (5:23) no winners of the Tour de France for seven years. Speaker 3 (5:26) So when you are stripped of a title, Is there any official ceremony or does someone just update the Wikipedia page? Well, I can't think of... I wonder if people are already doing that. It's uncharted territory. It Speaker 5 (5:38) is Speaker 3 (5:38) uncharted Speaker 4 (5:39) territory. Because obviously Rangers went down to the fourth tier, didn't they, in Scotland? Juventus were relegated. But I can't think of any teams that have had... Maybe in other countries I'm not aware of, but I can't think of any teams that have had their league titles stripped. But when Speaker 3 (5:53) Lance Armstrong was stripped of his medals or his jerseys, did they go and remove them from his trophy cabinet? That is a very good question, Speaker 4 (6:02) and I don't know. He could just say, I've lost them. And then he still has them. It's embarrassing. If the governing body turns up at your house to get your jerseys back and you go, do you know what? I put them in a bag somewhere and I've left them in a bag. I lent them to a friend. Who's made if it wasn't a street art? Who's getting Speaker 3 (6:25) into cycling and needed some jerseys. A friend of mine wanted to hold them. Yeah. And I've gone and left them in his ruddy hand. Speaker 5 (6:33) I didn't blimmin' get that. And do you know what? They believe him. He's a salt of Speaker 4 (6:37) the earth guy. Yeah. How long do they give you? Would they be knocking at the door? And he's like, sorry, I'm looking for them. Hold on. Hold on. Look into it, Dave. I'll be two minutes. Speaker 5 (6:47) Okay. Sorry, I Speaker 4 (6:48) blimmin'. Do you know I left them on a blimmin' ferry? Speaker 5 (6:53) Does Lance Armstrong still have his trophies? Have they all been put in the bin? Speaker 3 (7:01) What if they stripped me of my Edinburgh Comedy Award? What for? Speaker 4 (7:05) What have you done? Speaker 3 (7:06) I'm just a bit hungover. What did you do? Speaker 4 (7:09) Gross Speaker 3 (7:10) misconduct. Oh. Speaker 4 (7:14) But anyway. Speaker 3 (7:15) Or white collar crime. Oh, good. Maybe Speaker 4 (7:17) I like the Bearings Bank guy. Nick Leeson. Yeah. A lovely little harmless crime. Yeah. That meant that your punishment was they stripped you of half of your, or half of the 2017 Edinburgh Comedy Award. Hannah Gadsby, she's in the clear. She's in the clear. She's not guilty of financial Speaker 3 (7:34) wrongdoing. But if I crash the economy, if I trust it. Speaker 5 (7:39) Yeah. Speaker 3 (7:41) Might I be stripped of? half of the Edinburgh Comedy Award for bringing it into disrepute. How are you crashing the economy? Dave, I have a lot of influence in Whitehall and Number 10 and the Treasury. What if I start spreading rumours about new tech? Speaker 5 (7:59) But that's not got anything to do with your winner, Edinburgh. The headline Speaker 3 (8:05) would be Edinburgh Comedy Award winner crashes economy somehow. Speaker 4 (8:12) I think that if you crash the British economy really badly, which had a profound effect on everyone who lives in the UK. Bond markets. The bond markets, inflation, interest rate, the works. We're downgraded by like... Oh, from AA to C. To C. Yeah. If that happened... I was thinking of Moody's. If that happened, I think that the British public wouldn't regard you... being stripped of half of the Edinburgh Comedy Award from 2017 as enough of a punishment. But more of Speaker 3 (8:44) a punishment than most all of the bankers got in the bank. Good stuff, good stuff. Speaker 4 (8:49) Oh yeah, you'd still get your £16 million bonus somehow. But no, I don't think it's good enough. Lance Armstrong. Speaker 5 (8:55) Yes. Still has his physical items and replicas from his career. But he was officially stripped of his seven Tour de France titles. So he was forced to return official medals and prize money, but he famously keeps his framed yellow jerseys hanging in his office at home. Speaker 4 (9:12) Yeah. Speaker 5 (9:13) Stating in interviews that no one's come to take them Speaker 4 (9:15) down. I think they might... Aren't they in the background of his podcast? Has he got a podcast? That would be mad. Is it? I can't remember. It's funny that... His podcast looks... The visuals are quite good on Lance Armstrong's podcast. Speaker 3 (9:25) He should have changed his name to Lance Legstrong. Has anyone said that in stand-up? I'm ready. I'm back. Speaker 5 (9:33) I'm back. That would warrant a stripping of the Edinburgh title. A joke like that. So Speaker 3 (9:39) Ellis is hungover. He's met with Lloyd Langford. He's met with Matt Speaker 4 (9:42) Ford. Speaker 3 (9:43) He's met with Ivo Graham. And Ed Gumbel. So he's got a mix of homely comforts of Wales, extraordinary constitution, agitated energy and fundraising at short notice. And Ed Gamble, who likes food. Speaker 3 (10:01) We Speaker 5 (10:02) had such a good time. Is he not traitoring on a Thursday? Or is that all pre-release? Am I just being thick? If you Speaker 3 (10:08) know Ed Gamble like I do, Dave, he's traitoring every day of the week. What does that mean? I don't know. Speaker 4 (10:13) He went home earlier than everyone else because he was traitors uncloaking twice today. Today, right, okay. Which is when Speaker 3 (10:22) you reveal the traitors, it doesn't mean they've had their cloaks removed due to cheating. Speaker 4 (10:26) But I went home later than him. because Ivo arrived later and he gave me a second wind that actually in retrospect I didn't have or deserve. Speaker 3 (10:35) Ivo's got wind to spare. He has. He gives second wind. He Speaker 4 (10:39) has got such Speaker 3 (10:39) wind. Not wind Speaker 4 (10:40) in that sense, but he's got such energy. When Speaker 3 (10:42) I went to see Geese, he just suddenly out of nowhere started running up and down the alley. There were little gaps in the crowd and then came in. We didn't even know he was there. Suddenly there's an Ivo in your pie. Speaker 4 (10:57) Yeah. And also... Matt Ford has got such great Speaker 3 (10:59) energy. Yeah, he's a consistent breeze. Oh, yeah. What a man. Speaker 4 (11:05) So, you know, you're seeing Matt Ford smell Ivor Graham's football shirts and squealing with delight. I'm like, where have I, why haven't I got this energy? Speaker 5 (11:15) And Speaker 4 (11:15) they'll both be fine today. Will they? They'll both feel absolutely right as rain physically. And yet I am a mess. I didn't even drink much. Well, I don't know. Speaker 3 (11:25) I've, you know, I've seen. 40 in some pretty tight squeezes the next day, but he has a way of overriding it. Yes. And I think part of that is a belief in a better Britain. And, you know, faith in the third way. Yes. Whereas you, politically right now, are all out at sea. God, yeah. You don't know what's happening. I don't know what I want. No. Do I want proportional representation? Do you want a flat rate of VAT across all products? I can't. Just Speaker 4 (11:55) to Speaker 3 (11:55) simplify the system? I just can't answer that, Speaker 4 (11:57) John. No. I can't and I won't answer that. Speaker 3 (11:59) And you would leave early to pick Betty up from... From football club. From football club. Yes, you do. So we're all marching to the beat of a hungover drum. Speaker 1 (12:08) Ah! Oh, I've got some... Yeah! Speaker 3 (12:10) Do you know what I do? Speaker 4 (12:13) Podcasts about football. And I resent you. I woke up this morning and I felt horrific. And my second thought was, I resent John because he will feel right as rain today. I did get eight hours last night. Eight hours. What did you Speaker 3 (12:31) drink, please, in order? Speaker 4 (12:33) I drank margarita. Wow. In order? You kicked off with margarita? No, no, I kicked off with a few pints of bitter. Nice. How Speaker 5 (12:43) many is Speaker 4 (12:44) a few? Oh, Speaker 5 (12:45) I can't remember. Speaker 4 (12:46) Then I had a... Try and remember! I don't want to remember! Try and remember! I don't want to remember! Speaker 3 (12:52) I want to remember. Stop making me resent Speaker 4 (12:54) you. I'm going to say two pints bitter. Do you know what's interesting? Is that I drank... No, what's Speaker 3 (12:59) interesting is what you drank in order. Right. I drank far more Speaker 4 (13:03) in Portugal on Thursday. Okay. But I began the night out with... a very heavy meal. Speaker 3 (13:11) And Speaker 4 (13:12) then I drank far more. And the next day I had to get up early, uh, to fly back to London. Speaker 4 (13:19) And as I was walking through the airport, I thought, oh my God, I'm just tough. You're a mega machine. I'm a tough guy. I had a couple of coffees and I felt completely fine. I reckon I drank less than half of what I drank in Portugal. But because I didn't eat, I just feel really bad. So then I had a couple of pints of bitter, then I had a Guinness, and then I had a margarita with my Guinness. Speaker 4 (13:44) Because Lloyd said it would get us going. Speaker 2 (13:50) And Speaker 4 (13:51) then we went, we did eventually, we went to a restaurant and I had, I think, a lager and maybe another lager and something else in the restaurant, I think. And then I was about to go home. Gamble had pulled the plug. At 11 o'clock, Gamble said, I'm traitors and cloaking tomorrow. I've got to go. And at that point, it was 11.02 they'd called. Did Fordy call him a traitor? Fordy did try to persuade Ed. Yeah. You know, he pulled the cancer card. He's got to pull one. I've had cancer. I've had cancer. Speaker 3 (14:24) Who knows how long I'll be. I might not make last order. Speaker 4 (14:29) He was like, Lloyd, come from Australia and I've had cancer, Ed. Yeah, you're going home early. Yeah, take all of that. And I was going, yeah, come on, Ed! I didn't really have as much sort of, you know, I didn't have as many emotional strings to pull. And then, but Ed was physically and mentally strong and was able to leave. And if I'd left then, I'd feel absolutely fine. But I ended up getting home at about half past one and then I fell asleep on the sofa and I woke up at three on the sofa for a wee and then I needed to sleep in the attic because... Alcohol makes me snore. So then I woke up at six because the attic bed is uncomfortable. And then I went downstairs because I thought, I'm not going to snore now. Surely he's out of my system. Then I'd forgotten that Izzy was filming today and she had to wake up at half past six. So then that got me up. And then the resentment began to sort of seethe. So then I couldn't get back to sleep and I had to do the school run. And I did, on a Friday you go into and you help your kids read. for the first half an hour and I've got to be honest. Speaker 3 (15:31) Cheating hour. Speaker 4 (15:32) I really was falling that in. This Speaker 3 (15:34) morning? Speaker 4 (15:36) Wow, what were you reading? A book about foxes. A bus? A book about foxes. A book about foxes. I was like, come on, Steph, make it page two. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They live in a den. They Speaker 3 (15:48) live Speaker 4 (15:48) in a den. Speaker 3 (15:48) Their children are called cubs. Sometimes kits. Yeah. Speaker 4 (15:54) Get on. Move on. Move on. Speaker 3 (15:57) I was in bed at nine. Nine? Did the spelling bee. I was a kill for that. Got to genius level. Didn't quite get to queen bee. Read Danny Champion of the World in French with my beau, B-E-A-U-X. Then listened to it in English. Then slept for, I think, actually eight and a half hours. Did you? Speaker 5 (16:17) Yeah. Speaker 3 (16:17) Then had a cup of tea. Did the wordle. Got it in two, mind Speaker 4 (16:20) you. This morning? Yeah. And then... This morning as I walked to school. Oh, my God. I just... I caught sight of my reflection in a car door. Yeah. And I thought, that guy looks bad. Might Speaker 3 (16:35) have just been the driver. No. Speaker 3 (16:39) God, I don't look like myself. I've got blonde hair. I'm an old Chinese lady. I'm smoking a fag in a car with the windows open. When did I start driving a lorry? Speaker 3 (16:52) So two pints bitter, one margarita, one Guinness, two lager. What happened after Ed left? Speaker 4 (16:59) I definitely had a lager in the Betsy Trotwood. But I think I called it quits after that, I think. I think you can usually add one or two more drinks to Speaker 5 (17:12) that sort of Speaker 3 (17:13) thing. We're looking at minimum six pints in a margarita. Yeah. Which for a man of his age... Speaker 5 (17:18) Yeah, you'll feel that. Speaker 4 (17:20) Yeah. Speaker 5 (17:20) It's because I hadn't Speaker 4 (17:21) eaten. Speaker 5 (17:22) I Speaker 3 (17:22) had Speaker 4 (17:22) red meat in Portugal and some chips, and it really, really lined the stomach, but I hadn't done that last night. And that was an error. I tell you, in Portugal, for a couple of hours, we sat and played the Welsh internationals cap game, higher or lower. So, for instance, you would name, I don't know. Simon Davis, who used to play for Tottenham and Everton and Fulham. 54. Yeah, it's in the 50s. I think it's 59. Something like that. And then the next person is higher than you, so you've got to name someone who's got more caps. Hal Robson-Khan. Fewer caps than Simon, I think. Yeah, yeah. This is the game. It's a good game. It is a good game. But we played that for about two hours, and I thought, Speaker 5 (18:08) isn't Speaker 4 (18:09) life simple? Yeah. Speaker 5 (18:11) It's Speaker 4 (18:11) good, Speaker 5 (18:11) yeah. It's incredibly simple. Speaker 4 (18:13) And then a friend of mine who pointed out that we hadn't asked each other how our wives were. Speaker 4 (18:20) I like you. Yeah. He said, none of us have asked each other how our families are. We've just talked about, we've just tried to guess whether Ryan Gibbs' gigs had more caps than Ethan Ampadu. And I was like, okay. Then we had an emotional two minutes where we asked each other how we felt for 120 seconds. I thought life can be simple if you make it. But yeah, but how are you, John? You just, you just look so alive. I am alive. Speaker 3 (18:47) Yeah, you look well. Definitely alive. Rested. Look Speaker 4 (18:49) well and rested and your skin's good and you've got a pink t-shirt on. I've got Speaker 3 (18:53) a pink t-shirt on. Skin's not great. Getting new types of skin problem, which is always fun. Oh, yeah. Just to, you know, check out. Yeah, Speaker 1 (19:02) yeah. Speaker 3 (19:03) Well, that's new. That's