#579 - Pad Cymru, Human Alps and A Constant Perma-Rolling Crisis

Elis James and John Robins

The episode explores various comedic survival strategies for a hypothetical apocalypse, ranging from Ellis's cycling-themed bunker to John's high

Key takeaways

• Ellis's proposed bunker, Pad Cymru, features cycling memorabilia from Nicole Cook and Geraint Thomas.
• John's 'Common Sense Reprogramming Unit' bunker contains a library of 20,000 books and only Frank Zappa music.

Main topics

• Nuclear Bunkers
• Cymmu Connection

Notable quotes

I'm an ideas man at the top of my tower.

Conclusion

A high-energy episode that successfully blends absurd hypothetical sce

Transcript preview

Speaker 5 (0:00) Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John. If Speaker 7 (0:04) you head over to patreon.com slash Ellis and John, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including... Mini Olympics. It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump. Bird Speaker 5 (0:15) watching. My two favourite things are birds and football. Retaking our driving tests. Speaker 7 (0:20) I am chock full of adrenaline. Yeah, me too. It's absolutely horrible. And you can watch our latest episode now. The Pottery Challenge. I should warn you, pottery makes me horny. We shouldn't have worn those lights short. Speaker 5 (0:33) So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com slash ellisonjohn Speaker 4 (0:38) now. Speaker 4 (0:42) This is going to be an absolute banger. I'm Amanda Unity, and this is Strong Message Here, where we stress, test political buzzwords and phrases. Anything that starts with the British people really want to see. Unless you've spoken to every Tom, Dick and Maureen, you don't know what I want to see. Every week, along with guests, writers and comedians, we'll cut through the waffle. Speaker 1 (1:00) You never hear untenable, except when it is preceded by, frankly, I think their position has become. Strong Message Here, Speaker 4 (1:07) decoding the Speaker 1 (1:08) doublespeak of politics. Speaker 4 (1:09) That's Speaker 1 (1:09) diplomacy. Speaker 4 (1:10) Listen on BBC Sounds. Speaker 7 (1:32) Hello, everyone. It's becoming clear that AI is going to kill us all. And here at Ellis and John, our attitude to the end of the human race differs. Ellis is in a period of mourning for the end of Wikipedia pages that covered the Tour de France, the Epiphone 335 and Harold Wilson. Dave has remortgaged his house to stock up on GAC. Speaker 6 (1:53) This is out on terrestrial radio, man. It's a type Speaker 7 (1:57) of goo for kids. Exactly. kids. It's like Play-Doh. And John thinks that broad strokes, the end of humankind would be a good thing, but has been asked not to air that view on the version of the show that goes out on Five Live. But fear ye not, because whatever your view on the elimination of our species, we have the solution for you. Yes, we're tech entrepreneurs, and as such, after a brainstorm session last year, we decided it was time to prep like tech entrepreneurs. Investing in Ellis & John nuclear bunkers. The finishing touches have just been applied and Patreon members get early access to spaces should the worst happen. But whose bunker will they choose? First up, it's Pad Cymru. Ellis' homage to the legacy of Welsh cycling. Fitted with 100 C2 erg bikes, this state-of-the-art gym will ensure that fast twitch muscle fibre is the last thing to go extinct. Well, I say state of the art. In true Ellis fashion, a lack of joined up thinking is evident in the design. Whether you call it cognitive decline, ADHD, or simply a good old fashioned cock up. Speaker 7 (3:11) Even to amateur architects, the structure has some flaws. There's no doubt that the walls are adorned with a genuinely impressive array of inspirational memorabilia. The water bottle from Nicole Cook's 2008 Olympic gold medal-winning road race... This all sounds brilliant. ...sits in a central display case. Geraint Thomas's yellow jersey from the 2016 Volta Au Algarve is framed over the entrance archway. Imagine. And Eleanor Barker's... 2018 Commonwealth gold medal has been set into the water fountain so that survivors can rub it for good luck before hydrating. However, Ellis left it too late to submit his plans to any contractors with the capacity to take on such a project. So, after some sketches were put down in the margins of the new statesman, Ellis' builder Steve has had to do his best. Fair play to the guy. The bikes are all installed, but there's only one toilet between 200 guests, and those surviving the robot takeover will have to pray there's no nuclear fallout or rain because there's no escaping the fact it doesn't have a roof. Okay. Speaker 5 (4:14) And he's called Andy, not Steve. Speaker 7 (4:16) Those wishing for a drier way to see out the apocalypse may want to opt for the brainchild of producer Dave. I say dry. Whilst it does have a roof, construction firm McLaughlin and Harvey have confirmed it's the only nuclear bunker they've ever built that comes with its own dedicated foam room. The compound, called simply Dave's, aims to give inhabitants the full Ibiza experience, but one that could survive a 400 kiloton nuclear blast. Residents have a choice of two nightclubs. Oceana and Equinox. Get in. One playing drum and bass and the other also playing drum and bass but with UV lighting. Stockpiling choices have been controversial. Whereas traditionalists opt for long-life grains and tinned goods, Dave's larder currently contains 800 litres of tequila, 2,000 limes and a metric tonne of salt. Speaker 6 (5:07) Again, it sounds really good. It does. There would be an indie room in the nightclub, but aside from that, it's bad. Oh, it Speaker 7 (5:13) sounds nice. But what of John? Well, like all kind megalomaniacs, he sees his underground facility less as a refuge and more of a gift to future generations. Fully trained operatives will take residents through a five-year educational program, including modules on a reformed highway code, pragmatic approaches to taxation, and learning to love a dog-free world. Its working title is the Common Sense Reprogramming Unit, consisting of a two-story circular study centre a mile in diameter, which sits some 200 feet below the ground. It's quite literally a desert island disc. Its crowning glory is its library, stocked with 20,000 copies of books hand-picked by John, including, and limited to, the Bible, the complete works of Shakespeare, and Thirst, 12 Drinks That Changed My Life. Come on. The only music available is Frank Zappa's entire discography, but don't worry. At eight hours listening a day through the piped speakers, that's a minimum of six-week no-repeat guarantee. Beat that, Magic FM. Absolute radio. Those willing to both have their minds opened and conform must pass an in-person test conducted by John in his private quarters at the top of his 12-floor central tower. There you will get a taste of just what common sense has to offer with its own driving range, 24-hour pizza express and fully functioning Kia dealership. If you're interested in any of the above, sign up at patreon.com forward slash ellisandjohn-apocalypse for your chance to win your future. You can also enter by text on your phone. For Ellis, text DECLINE to 710810. For Dave, text BOSH to 710811. Or for John, text SENSE to 710812. Terms Speaker 4 (6:58) and Speaker 7 (6:58) conditions apply. Text costs 100 million grand plus your standard network rate. You must be over 80 to enter. No dogs in John's one. Speaker 6 (7:08) I'd go in yours, John. Would you? Yeah. Speaker 7 (7:10) Why? Speaker 6 (7:10) Because, what, 24-hour pizza at Pizza Express? That's just in my bit. Can I not come in your bit? No. Why not? Well, you go Speaker 7 (7:17) up there for your entrance exam. And then you have to go back to the disc because I live in a 12-story central ivory Speaker 5 (7:23) tower. Oh, so Speaker 7 (7:23) that's just for you? Tower. Just a tower. Okay. Speaker 5 (7:26) Yeah. So you're alone even in your apocalypse, Bunkler. Dream Speaker 7 (7:29) scenario. Yeah, he loves that. He loves that. I'm not sure that's a dream scenario. I could probably send for people if I wanted to chat to someone. Oh, that's good. Speaker 5 (7:38) Yeah. I think you'd want to after a few days. Speaker 7 (7:42) I would want to, and then I'd chat to them and go, nah, this was a waste of time. Send them back down the lift. Yeah, Speaker 5 (7:47) but Speaker 7 (7:47) I Speaker 5 (7:48) think you'd need that opportunity. You'd need that option. Yeah. I'm just thinking about how you Speaker 6 (7:55) were in lockdown. So once the... Once the people have picked their zone, are they allowed to move between zones? No, they're in Speaker 7 (8:02) separate countries. Speaker 6 (8:03) Oh, really? Oh, I thought we were Speaker 7 (8:04) all Speaker 6 (8:05) like neighbours. I thought we Speaker 7 (8:06) were like neighbours as well. No, Ellis is in the sort of centre of the valleys. Yeah. Okay. Speaker 6 (8:10) Am I actually in Ibiza? Yeah. Well, Speaker 7 (8:12) no, you're near to Ibiza. You'll be in one of the sort of less popular ones, but the quieter ones. But it's all going to be quiet because everyone else will be dead. And where are you? Speaker 5 (8:21) Mine... Speaker 6 (8:22) Scotland, maybe Speaker 5 (8:23) sort of high-level Speaker 7 (8:24) Scotland. Manhattan, USA. Speaker 6 (8:26) Do you like Manhattan? I love Manhattan. Speaker 7 (8:30) Do you? It's the most incredible thing I've ever seen. Yeah, it is. Better than the Alps? It's sort of like a human Alps, in a way. The buildings are like mountains. Yes. I think on a par, but obviously the Alps wins because it's nature. Yeah. But in terms of like impact of like going on holiday, when I stepped out of the subway in Manhattan, I could not believe how much I loved it. Yeah, all the car beeps. Yeah, and all the pretzels and listening to Lou Reed. Yeah, good stuff. Good place. Speaker 5 (9:05) Yeah. It's weird. If that kind of apocalypse happened, I Speaker 7 (9:12) think... Not a very big if. Speaker 5 (9:13) I would want other people's input. Speaker 5 (9:18) Whereas I think if that happened, John would think, great, I'll solve this on my own. I'm better alone. Speaker 7 (9:23) That's because I've got solutions. He does, to be fair. Yeah, Speaker 5 (9:26) big Speaker 7 (9:26) time. Speaker 5 (9:27) I Speaker 7 (9:27) mean, I'd have to get architects involved. Oh, well done. Yeah. And the odd botanist, maybe. Speaker 4 (9:34) Yeah. The odd boffin. Speaker 7 (9:36) Quantity surveyor? Quantity surveyor, yeah. Get them involved. Builders? Yes. Yeah. All Speaker 5 (9:41) right then. So you're delegating the really important stuff. Speaker 7 (9:44) Yeah, I'm an ideas man at the top of my tower. Yeah, Speaker 5 (9:46) yeah, you're the ideas man at the top of the tower. Well, that's good. It's an odd tone setter. At the beginning of Speaker 6 (9:56) the show. Yeah, but it's always, everyone's talking about it, aren't Speaker 5 (9:59) they? Speaker 6 (9:59) You know? Yeah, Speaker 5 (10:01) that's good fun, isn't it? Yeah. It's like we're doing sort of radio in the early 60s, doing this sort of Cuban Missile Crisis, doesn't it? Well, Speaker 6 (10:08) actually, when lockdown kicked in, John was very, very calm and Speaker 7 (10:12) actually quite positive about the whole thing. Great in a crisis. He is great in a crisis. Terrible in peacetime. Speaker 6 (10:18) Yeah, you like a bit of adversity. Well, your brain's got something to Speaker 7 (10:22) do with, it has a... There's solution. There's all your thoughts can suddenly think about something that matters. Yeah, it's true. Speaker 5 (10:30) Well, why don't we try and constantly create a crisis in Speaker 7 (10:33) John's life? Keep throwing stuff at me. Yeah. Speaker 5 (10:37) You wouldn't need to fuck up for therapy then. As long as he's living in a constant perma-ruling crisis that you and I create, that's not going to kill him or harm him. Speaker 7 (10:46) Like Inspector Clouseau in Kato. Yeah. I just need you to constantly attack me. Speaker 6 (10:54) Yeah. Speaker 7 (10:55) So... Leak stuff to the press. Yeah. It's like putting out fires all over the place. Yeah, Speaker 6 (11:00) it's like Speaker 5 (11:00) Monday morning, dead arm, then another dead arm, Monday afternoon, tell you that your house has got subsidence, et cetera. So you're constantly rolling. You've got the pain of your arm and then you've got to deal with the insurance. Slash the tyres of his Kia. Slashing tyres of his Kia, putting, you know, I don't know, figs up his exhaust. Speaker 7 (11:17) Yeah. Speaker 5 (11:20) Some crises are big, some are small. Speaker 7 (11:23) Most of these are quite small. Yeah, Speaker 5 (11:25) turning his Wi-Fi off. Two dead Speaker 7 (11:27) arms and figs up your exhaust. And the subsiders Speaker 6 (11:31) would be a real pain, actually. Yeah. Speaker 7 (11:34) All right, Speaker 6 (11:35) well, we'll look into that. All right, then, yeah. It's a nice little story arc. Speaker 5 (11:39) What, and then there's one final crisis that he can't solve? No, no, no, no, he needs to solve them. Speaker 7 (11:45) The crisis of death. Speaker 7 (11:47) We don't solve that, do you? You just accept it. Fingers crossed, yeah. But you can't just accept figs up the exhaust. Speaker 3 (11:55) That Speaker 7 (11:55) you have to do something about. Yes. But that's the great thing about death. You have to accept it. Speaker 5 (12:00) Yeah. Speaker 7 (12:01) No other option. Speaker 5 (12:02) Anyway, you're listening to Odyssey John here on BBC Radio 5 Live. We've got a made-up Speaker 6 (12:06) game coming up. Speaker 5 (12:09) Maybe a shame, and of course, the Cymru connection. Yeah. Speaker 5 (12:14) Are you thinking about whether you'd accept death or not? Speaker 7 (12:16) I've already accepted Speaker 5 (12:17) it. Yeah? Yeah. So if I... Hang on, this is... I mean, I've got to ask this. If I told you you're dying tomorrow, John, Speaker 7 (12:23) how Speaker 5 (12:24) would you feel Speaker 7 (12:24) about that? I would do everything exactly the same. No, you Speaker 6 (12:27) wouldn't. You'd want to get files in order, I imagine. These files are in order. They're already in order. They Speaker 7 (12:32) are in order, I'm afraid. I did my accounts yesterday. Did you? Yeah. Oh, fair enough. So he's ready to go. Yeah. All the pensions. Well, my pension. I don't know why I've pluralised my pension. My pension, that's going to its beneficiaries. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, cheers, mate. I appreciate that. What would I do? I would do exactly the same. I would go home tonight. What, boggle crossword bed? You what? Boggle crossword bed. Boggle crossword bed. The annoying thing is I'm supposed to get a flight tomorrow morning, so I think I would probably... have to cancel the flight. I'm not seeing that money again. Although you can Speaker 3 (13:11) actually claim one insurance Speaker 7 (13:12) if it's, it would be weird. Sounds like a Speaker 5 (13:15) mini win. Speaker 7 (13:16) I'd have to call the insurance and say, my friend has told me I'm going to die tomorrow. So can I get my 180 quid back? But anyway, that's, that's, you know, it doesn't matter in the broad scheme of things. Would Speaker 6 (13:27) you not Speaker 7 (13:27) want to go to Speaker 6 (13:27) Thorpe Park Speaker 7 (13:28) or something? No, I would do exactly the same. Speaker 6 (13:30) And I Speaker 7 (13:31) think that's the measure of where Speaker 6 (13:32) you're at with death and Speaker 7 (13:34) life. I'd go home. Go for a little walk. Go and see the pheasants. Hopefully see a deer. And a hare. I saw a hare recently. And Speaker 6 (13:43) an albino pheasant. Did you? Speaker 7 (13:45) Yeah. And then go back, have dinner, read my book, have a herbal tea. Well, Speaker 5 (13:52) at the time... Go to Speaker 7 (13:52) bed. Wake up in the middle of the night. Go back to sleep. Speaker 7 (13:58) At time of recording, it's past Speaker 5 (13:59) my caffeine cutoff, so I definitely have a coffee. Speaker 6 (14:02) Oh, you rock and roll. Yeah, yeah, but Speaker 5 (14:04) then I'd be awake until the very end, Dave. Speaker 6 (14:06) Yeah, nice, nice. Speaker 5 (14:07) And yeah, I don't know what I'd try and fit in. Speaker 2 (14:11) I think I'd try and, I'd write an email to a few of my favourite Speaker 5 (14:15) bands and say, no point reforming now. I'm not going to be here to see it. Yeah. Quick email to Paul McCartney. Didn't get to meet you. Probably would have messed it up. Speaker 7 (14:25) You've got all these people's email addresses. Speaker 5 (14:28) It'd be via LinkedIn, I suppose. Speaker 7 (14:31) So you're signing up to LinkedIn. I know for a fact you don't have a LinkedIn profile. No, I don't have a LinkedIn. It Speaker 6 (14:36) takes you more than a day to figure out LinkedIn. That's Speaker 5 (14:39) a Speaker 6 (14:39) hell of a way to go. I Speaker 5 (14:40) borrow Speaker 6 (14:40) a login. Yeah, you can borrow mine. I borrow Speaker 5 (14:42) your LinkedIn login. I'd say, hi, I know this has come from Dave Musterman. It's actually NS James. And who's this going Speaker 7 (14:48) to? Paul McCartney. You think he's just got a LinkedIn page with a CV on it? Speaker 7 (14:54) 1960 to 1969, the Beatles. Since then, solo work. And the odd vegetarian food interest. I bet Speaker 6 (15:04) Mac has got LinkedIn Premium so he can contact other people, just go straight into the inboxes. Is Speaker 7 (15:09) that Speaker 6 (15:09) what I need? You need LinkedIn Premium. You do need LinkedIn Premium for what you want to plan. For what I want to do. For what you want to do, yeah. Speaker 7 (15:15) Ellis's final day on Earth is spent signing up to LinkedIn. Yeah. And then... Working out how it works. Sending a DM. He's probably just searched Beatles in the search bar. So he's eventually found someone that does like sales for Apple's... Yeah. The music label. Yeah. So someone's getting a DM that they're probably going to open after your death. Yeah. And what's it saying? Sorry, I didn't get... Speaker 5 (15:40) Can you say to Paul... Can you say to Paul, and it seems he's a big fan, didn't get to meet you, probably for the best, he would have messed it up anyway. Speaker 6 (15:48) Thanks, Ellis. What are Izzy and the kids doing whilst you're doing all this on your final day on Earth? Because would it not be smarter to maybe spend it with them? Of course, Speaker 7 (15:57) yeah. They're calling up the stairs. He's tearing his hair out trying to work out where his confirmation code for LinkedIn has gone to. It must have been sent Speaker 6 (16:05) to your email address because I've borrowed your login. Your password isn't strong enough. Asking Speaker 7 (16:09) me whether he can claim the premium on his business expenses. I Speaker 6 (16:13) say, Speaker 7 (16:13) yeah, of course you can. It's networking. Speaker 5 (16:15) Yeah. It comes back, it says the password's weak. You know, you're at sort of a high risk of being... Speaker 5 (16:22) what's it called? Scammed, hacked. And I'm like, not really Speaker 6 (16:26) my problem anymore. Speaker 5 (16:28) So yeah, that would take an hour and then obviously family time. Family time. Speaker 6 (16:32) Good, there we go. Good stuff. All your affairs are in order. Let Speaker 7 (16:35) us know what you would be doing on your final day on earth. Hello at ellisandjohn.com and we might read them out. We might not. Keep it clean as well. Speaker 4 (16:55) This is going to be an absolute banger. I'm Amanda Unitchie, and this is Strong Message Here, where we stress,