#578 - Inbetwosses, 8 Great Whites and The Pressures of Seagull Parents

Elis James and John Robins

In this episode, John Robins attempts a mental tally of his extensive t-shirt collection while Elis James discusses an upcoming trip to Lisb

Key takeaways

• John Robins performs a mental census of his t-shirts, citing brands like Frank Zappa, Queen, and Mabre.
• The Rapid Response Unit reveals listener T-shirt counts ranging from 7 in Surrey to 105 in Manchester.

Main topics

• T-shirt collections
• Travel and passport control

Notable quotes

I can make it great.

Conclusion

A chaotic yet charming exploration of the mundane details and historic

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John. If Speaker 4 (0:04) you head over to patreon.com slash Ellis and John, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including... Mini Olympics. It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump. Bird Speaker 2 (0:15) watching. My two favourite things are birds and football. Retaking our driving tests. I Speaker 4 (0:20) am chock Speaker 2 (0:20) full of adrenaline. Yeah, me too. It's absolutely horrible. Speaker 4 (0:24) And you can watch our latest episode now. The Pottery Challenge. I should warn you, pottery makes me horny. We shouldn't have worn those lights, sure. Speaker 2 (0:33) So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com slash ellisonjohn now. Speaker 1 (0:42) 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Speaker 1 (0:51) Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. Speaker 2 (0:55) They said, you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble. But Speaker 1 (0:57) was Speaker 2 (0:57) he set up? Wanted, I've fled to fall Speaker 1 (1:00) of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime. Speaker 3 (1:07) You're not going to end up going to prison, do you, kidlet? Speaker 1 (1:09) I'm Josie Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 2 (1:40) And welcome to this latest episode of Ellis and John. I'm here with Dave, who's looking extremely relaxed, and John, of course, for whom his t-shirts are a canvas. Speaker 4 (1:51) Oh, I forgot to count how many t-shirts I've got. John! I Speaker 2 (1:55) can Speaker 4 (1:55) do it in my mind now. No, that's not fair! Speaker 2 (2:00) No, I could do it in my mind really quickly. Well, Speaker 4 (2:03) I can make it great. Go Speaker 2 (2:05) on then. Can you? Yeah. Well, then now I want to hear you. So I need you to broadcast and count T-shirts in your mind, although we won't know how accurate it is. Like I could say, yeah, I can cut my T-shirts and just pluck a number out of thin air. Speaker 4 (2:15) Yeah, but I would never, Speaker 2 (2:16) ever, ever Speaker 4 (2:17) do that. Speaker 3 (2:18) No? So what are you going to do here? Just so we know. Eight great whites. Speaker 4 (2:23) Eight great whites. Three white Freddies. Speaker 3 (2:26) That's okay. It's 11. Speaker 4 (2:27) Okay. So you keep the total. This is bad Speaker 3 (2:31) broadcasting. Speaker 4 (2:32) You're bad broadcasting. That's good. This is what people want. The Speaker 3 (2:37) T-shirt stuff from Tuesday. I found it very entertaining when I listened back to it. I'm not sure about this, Speaker 2 (2:42) though. I'll give him an opportunity. Where are we up to, Speaker 4 (2:45) Dave? Speaker 2 (2:45) Because I love the guy and I've known him since 2005. I Speaker 4 (2:48) can remember all my T-shirts left to right. I mean, eight great whites, three white Freddys. Three white Freddys plus three. Speaker 4 (2:55) Three bean salad white. Speaker 3 (2:57) Imagine if Speaker 4 (2:58) I did this. Yeah, one. Right, you've got to put Speaker 3 (3:00) the Speaker 4 (3:00) number before each Speaker 3 (3:00) one, John. Well, if I Speaker 4 (3:01) just say singular, so three bean salad white. It's annoying that it starts with Speaker 3 (3:06) a Speaker 4 (3:06) number, Speaker 3 (3:06) though. I see, yeah, Speaker 4 (3:08) fair enough. Speaker 3 (3:08) No, it's good. Go on. Speaker 4 (3:10) Comedian cinema club white. Speaker 3 (3:12) That's a one. Two Speaker 4 (3:15) off white. If Speaker 3 (3:17) I did Speaker 2 (3:17) this. Speaker 4 (3:18) You couldn't dream this up in a million years. Speaker 3 (3:24) Yeah. You're at two off wide, just in Speaker 4 (3:27) case you're wondering. Yeah, Geese White won. Speaker 4 (3:31) Frank Zappa white. One. Frank Zappa black. One. Frank Zappa red. One. Frank Zappa black again. We can't put this out. Speaker 3 (3:40) It's not the five live TX, it's fine. This is a free hit. Have I got geese black? Speaker 2 (3:47) This is one for the fans. Speaker 3 (3:48) You can't ask me to be remembering at Speaker 2 (3:50) the Speaker 3 (3:50) same time. Yeah, Speaker 2 (3:50) I can, Speaker 3 (3:50) you're writing them down. No, but I'm just keeping it tally. All I'm doing is this. Geese Speaker 4 (3:55) black. Speaker 3 (3:55) Okay, well, you might have already said, who knows at this Speaker 4 (3:57) stage. Go on, carry Speaker 3 (3:58) on. Speaker 4 (3:58) Chavinia. Beg your pardon? Chavinia. Speaker 3 (4:00) I don't just make words up. Grey. Okay. Speaker 4 (4:03) Black. Speaker 3 (4:05) Black. Hold on, this is vague now. No, no, no. They're just plain black. Oh, Speaker 2 (4:10) okay, fine. Self-esteem sexual. Speaker 4 (4:12) Self-esteem sexual, yes. Yeah. Pulp. Oh, the one from 96? Yeah. Just the one Pope? Yeah. I chucked the other one. Well, I gave the other one to charity because it was just slightly too big. Bonnie Prince Billy Orange 2. Hold on, what does that mean, two? Two of them? That's two, yeah. Start with the number, please, John. Okay. Two Bonnie Prince Billy Light Blue. Two Bonnie Prince Billy Pink. These are duplicates that I bought from a guy who had access to his house. With permission. What? Access Speaker 3 (4:47) to his house is an odd way of saying it. Speaker 4 (4:53) Go on. Bonnie Prince Billy White. I think you said that. No, I said two blue, two orange and two Speaker 2 (5:02) pink. Okay. Trump and Xi are meeting on US soil. What's at stake? I've got to offer something different to the listener. I don't want to hear about that. UK warned of a ballooning debt costs and slower growth ahead of budget. Speaker 3 (5:14) We're a sanctuary away from that, Ellis. They'd rather it had a T-shirt counting. Speaker 3 (5:20) Okay. Speaker 2 (5:21) Okay. Now we begin with the queens. Well, you Speaker 4 (5:25) already... Okay. You've done Speaker 2 (5:26) Freddie. Angela Lawson is icing on the cake, TV critics say, as she enters Bake Off Tent. Queen. Two queen Speaker 4 (5:32) red. Two queen black. Speaker 2 (5:34) Off sick. You need to phone your boss. Back to work, advisor Speaker 4 (5:37) says. Queen black. One. Yeah. Yeah. Queen. Another Speaker 2 (5:42) queen black. Yeah. BBC Weatherman Speaker 4 (5:45) announces... You're making this... How are you making Speaker 3 (5:47) this Speaker 2 (5:47) worse? Speaker 4 (5:51) He's offering weird balance. Speaker 2 (5:53) It is weird. I'm going Speaker 4 (5:54) to the BBC News website. You are, you Speaker 3 (5:57) are. Speaker 4 (5:57) Nico Case Gray. Speaker 3 (6:00) Are we wrapping up now? Speaker 4 (6:01) No. Big Speaker 3 (6:02) Thief Black. Are you wrapping up? Big Thief Black. Speaker 2 (6:05) I'm counting my Speaker 4 (6:06) t-shirts. It's done when it's done. Speaker 2 (6:08) Okay. Chris Mason from Inside the Room, our Burnham survivors, Trump meeting. I've already read that. Okay. Interesting stuff. I don't have a buoyancy aid. Well, Speaker 3 (6:17) I'm losing Speaker 2 (6:17) track Speaker 4 (6:19) now. Speaker 3 (6:19) Oh, Speaker 2 (6:19) right, yeah. Speaker 4 (6:21) And this is public service broadcasting. It's unbelievable. This is public service broadcasting. Bed T-shirts, six. Speaker 2 (6:31) We've almost won for every day of Speaker 4 (6:33) the Speaker 2 (6:33) week. Speaker 4 (6:33) Almost won for every day. Did we agree bed Speaker 3 (6:34) T Speaker 2 (6:35) -shirts? Yes, because they're T-shirts. Speaker 4 (6:37) On the Lord's Day. two Mabre t-shirts. Who? It's a brand called Mabre Dave. Okay. I'm completely neutral about them. Speaker 2 (6:45) Well, they made Barcelona's legendary kit in the 80s and 90s. The Barcelona ship Maradona one, Ronald Koeman, that was a made-by-kid. It's just interesting that he's just decided to throw in brands at, you know, Speaker 3 (6:54) at T-shirt number 17. Well, that's how Speaker 4 (6:56) I'm distinguishing them from the other plain T-shirts. Okay, all right, okay. Frank Zappa long text black. And who makes that one? Should I have interest? Fruit of the Loom. I bet you've got so many. He's actually Fruit of the Loom. I bet Speaker 3 (7:08) John's got so many Fruit of the Loom T-shirts. I'm Speaker 4 (7:10) a Speaker 3 (7:10) big Fruit of the Loom guy. Jake Xerxes Speaker 4 (7:12) Fussel T. Speaker 3 (7:14) Never Speaker 4 (7:14) seen Speaker 2 (7:15) that one. Yes, you have. I've worn it on this show probably five times. It's got a turtle on it. He sounds like someone who plays in the Bundesliga. Speaker 4 (7:23) Yeah, yeah. Speaker 3 (7:24) No, it's a nice T-shirt. Go on. Speaker 4 (7:26) Austrian Speaker 3 (7:27) Bundesliga. Speaker 4 (7:28) Theme music's run out. Oh, this is embarrassing. London Marathon finishers T-shirt? Oh, yeah, well done. Well done. Thanks. Speaker 2 (7:36) I didn't know you'd done the marathon. You should have gone on about it more. Speaker 4 (7:40) Right, we're on to the running top stage. Are we? Cue the run. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses there, Tiger. Speaker 3 (7:49) Yeah. We did say it's only cotton T-shirts. Oh, yes, fair enough. Speaker 4 (7:53) Remove the London Marathon. I'm sorry for mentioning the London Marathon finishing. That's not a cotton Speaker 2 (7:58) T-shirt, is it? No, it's like a saloon. Speaker 3 (8:01) Okay. Speaker 2 (8:01) And Speaker 4 (8:02) golf is no because of the collar. Speaker 3 (8:04) Yeah, agreed. Speaker 4 (8:05) Okay, so let me just do a last mind scan of my T-shirts. Speaker 3 (8:18) It's like minority reporting here. Queen White. Are you sure you've not said Queen White? Three Freddie Whites. Speaker 4 (8:24) Okay. And a Queen White. Right. I'm pretty sure... That Speaker 2 (8:31) that's the final episode Speaker 4 (8:32) of this Speaker 2 (8:32) podcast. Speaker 4 (8:33) That's it. We ran out of ideas. I Speaker 3 (8:36) reckon Speaker 4 (8:36) I'm within 10%. Okay, that's right. You've got the 10 % contingency. Speaker 3 (8:41) Shall I hit equals? And see what happens. My phone might explode. How many do you reckon, John? I reckon 40. Ellis, how many do you reckon? I was going Speaker 2 (8:51) to say 40. 56. Speaker 3 (8:52) Okay. 56 t-shirts. Okay. Now, unbelievably, we have more t-shirt counting later in the episode. I know, that's why I Speaker 4 (9:00) did Speaker 3 (9:00) that. Speaker 4 (9:00) For Speaker 3 (9:00) the rapid response unit. I'm not mad. Speaker 4 (9:02) I'm always thinking ahead. You Speaker 3 (9:04) are. You are. 56. Well done, John. Thank you. Speaker 2 (9:08) I've got some t-shirts that I don't like. but that I will wear under a jumper because I wouldn't wear a jumper without a T-shirt. But I know that because it's cold in the winter months, I'm not going to remove the jumper. That's Speaker 3 (9:19) what I'm doing right now. This is just an All My Friends T-shirt, but I don't wear that. Exactly. So I've just got it under me jumps. Speaker 2 (9:25) Yeah, I've got a few of those. Just not good enough to be, you know, without a Speaker 3 (9:30) jumper. Speaker 2 (9:30) So you wouldn't Speaker 4 (9:30) wear a jumper without a T-shirt? Speaker 2 (9:32) No, even Speaker 4 (9:33) though Speaker 2 (9:33) oddly, I Speaker 4 (9:35) actually Speaker 2 (9:35) think it looks better on me, wearing a jumper without a T-shirt, but I wouldn't because of the sweat. Why did your phone go off there, John? Speaker 4 (9:44) Because Speaker 2 (9:44) I... You've had a nightmare. You've forgotten Speaker 4 (9:47) to count your T-shirts and you haven't turned off your notifications. I have a rapidly approaching admin sort of hill that I'm going to die on. Oh, Speaker 2 (9:57) okay. So just, you know, Speaker 4 (9:59) I'm getting notifications. Speaker 2 (10:00) Okay. What's your admin hill? Speaker 4 (10:02) Well, just travel. Just travel brackets general. Speaker 3 (10:05) Oh, nice. Okay. Speaker 4 (10:07) And, you know... Travel used to be easy. I'm reading lots of books from the 50s. You should turn up at the airport with a passport that anyone could just make themselves, probably. And you'd get a stamp and then you'd walk on the plane with your Kalashnikov and your gold bullion and your Semtex. And then you would get off without causing any trouble because you had a sense of common decency. Nothing Speaker 2 (10:29) biometric Speaker 4 (10:31) in the 50s. Now you've got to queue for a thousand hours to have a system that doesn't work fail. Speaker 4 (10:39) Enjoy your holiday, though. You know when you get to Speaker 3 (10:42) the passport control and they're always so moody? You Speaker 4 (10:45) know, the ones behind the glass. Well, it's because you're not allowed to smile in your passport photo. Speaker 3 (10:48) No, I'm allowed to be moody. They can be chirpy. They're the ones that are just looking through your passport. No, Speaker 2 (10:52) they've got to Speaker 3 (10:52) set an Speaker 4 (10:53) example for passport photos. When you go into the booth, you get into that headspace. Oh, I'm going through customs. I look like I've been bereaved. Speaker 3 (11:02) But then why is it when they ask you, where have you come from, you can't remember and you panic? Because you just, it's almost like authority. My mother's womb. Speaker 4 (11:10) I'm not Speaker 3 (11:10) sure. Speaker 4 (11:10) I think, hold on. Was it Ross? No, it was, hold on. Give me a second. Speaker 3 (11:14) No, it was Manchester two days, no, five days ago. No, one day ago. It's nerve wracking. Speaker 2 (11:19) My son is always terrified that they're going to go, that's not you. Look at his passport. They grow up fast. That is not you. Now get back on the plane. Speaker 3 (11:28) Yeah. Speaker 2 (11:30) I'm going to Portugal to watch Wales play tomorrow. fingers crossed, because he's got a very bad headache, so I might not go if she's unwell. What city are Speaker 3 (11:39) they in? Speaker 2 (11:40) Lisbon. Oh! And we're going to get absolutely battered because all of our best players are injured. So we're looking forward to the game. Can't wait. What's it for? Nations League, which I love. Oh, yeah, it is. No, Speaker 1 (11:52) that's Speaker 2 (11:52) not a lie. That's not a lie. I was defending the Nations League on Facebook today. Speaker 3 (11:58) I'm defending. Speaker 2 (12:01) Don't you ever, ever, ever criticise the nation. It wasn't you doing it in Speaker 3 (12:05) the Speaker 2 (12:05) first place. No, and you're playing Portugal. We are playing Portugal. We're in Nations League A. We're in a difficult group against Portugal, Denmark and Norway. I think we're going to lose every game. How are you in A? Because we got promoted from B. Because we're too good for B, but we're not good enough for A. So we go up from B, lose all the Speaker 4 (12:20) games and then we're relegated again. You need an A-. You're wolves. That is exactly what we need. Speaker 2 (12:26) I would love there to be a Nations League A-, but unfortunately the bigwigs at UEFA are not responding to my emails. I went to Ronnie Scott's on Saturday to watch some jazz. Oh, lovely. I mean, you get everything from me, don't you? Speaker 3 (12:41) We do. You're not around us. I FaceTime Speaker 2 (12:42) my mum. You get everything from me. Speaker 1 (12:44) From Speaker 2 (12:44) Ronnie Scott's? Not from Ronnie Scott's. It was too loud and there's very little signal. But yeah, my friend Dave Ulm was performing, the jazz drummer. So I went to watch him. Excellent. And I did think to myself, if I'd had a completely different life and I'd devoted myself to jazz, Speaker 4 (12:59) this Speaker 2 (12:59) would be my scene. But unfortunately, I'm not technically good enough on any level. What, Speaker 4 (13:05) to perform? Yeah. Speaker 2 (13:06) Oh, Speaker 4 (13:07) okay. I always feel... I suppose I Speaker 2 (13:09) could scat. Speaker 4 (13:10) That always looks quite easy. I Speaker 2 (13:12) kind of feel a bit Speaker 4 (13:14) sorry for... jazz musicians and classical musicians as well, because they're like, they've put in more hours than Kurt Cobain did on guitar. Speaker 2 (13:25) Absolutely. Yeah. I thought this was on Speaker 4 (13:27) Saturday actually. To Speaker 2 (13:27) the extent Speaker 4 (13:27) where they're the, musically the best musicians in the world. Yeah. A friend of mine. And they're Speaker 2 (13:33) probably not making hefty dollar. A friend of mine, she's in an orchestra as a flutist and she is unreal at the flute. Speaker 4 (13:43) After grade eight, you should get Speaker 2 (13:45) basically a state pension. Well, you get your letters after there's one. You can go after grade eight. She's done that. Okay, so Speaker 4 (13:51) if you go one after grade eight, you should get a stipend from the government. At the age of 24. To promote culture. Yeah. Speaker 2 (13:57) No, I agree. Because the graft. But unfortunately, apart from who's the guy with the golden flute? Was that James Galway? Was that his name? The Irishman used to... Yeah. But, you know, I suppose he was making hefty dollar at the flute, but it's not something that happens very often. Jethro Tull? Yeah, Speaker 4 (14:17) but Speaker 2 (14:17) it Speaker 4 (14:17) didn't signal a, you know, a rise in... big time flautists. I mean, I'm sure more people took up the flute as a result of Galway. Speaker 3 (14:27) Yeah. Speaker 2 (14:28) It was James Galway I'm thinking of, wasn't it? The man with the golden flute. The Speaker 3 (14:31) man with the Speaker 2 (14:32) golden flute. It's very Bond-esque. Speaker 3 (14:34) The Speaker 2 (14:34) Bond film that was never Speaker 3 (14:36) made. Speaker 2 (14:37) Yeah, but then you could keep a gun in the flute, couldn't you? Speaker 3 (14:39) Yeah, he looks like James Bond as well in the picture. No, he doesn't. Wow, he's got a dinner jacket on. He looks like Father Christmas, Dave. He looks Speaker 2 (14:48) like Father... He looks like Father Christmas at a corporate event. How's your week been, John? Speaker 4 (14:57) Oh, well, I'm very full, so I can't really remember anything. I'll say the word remember. I ate too much lunch just before we came in, and then I'm rationing a custard cream brownie. Speaker 2 (15:13) Yeah. So Speaker 4 (15:14) there's a lot going Speaker 3 (15:14) on, really. Yeah, of course. Is this your admin hill that you're dying on? No. Speaker 4 (15:19) No, I'm also, I think probably at time, this is the buffest I've ever been in a record because I went to the gym this morning. I've never been to the gym before a record. Oh, so you've got the pump. I've got the big, Dave, feel my pump. Blood in my neck. Yeah. That's firm stuff. It was a big one. I think I did 70, 100 press-ups. Oh, well done. 70, 100. 70, 100, 7,000 press-ups, Dave. In a neck. And like 120. Speaker 4 (15:48) calories on the rower. Oh, Speaker 2 (15:50) well done. Speaker 4 (15:50) And some sit-ups. Speaker 3 (15:54) Well, Speaker 2 (15:54) that's great. Speaker 4 (15:55) Yeah. And Speaker 3 (15:55) you feel, because a lot of people kind of come out of the gym feeling, you know, energised and pumped. God, no. No, Speaker 4 (16:02) you Speaker 3 (16:02) don't look it. Straight back Speaker 4 (16:03) into the thought torture chamber. But I felt very, you felt, you feel taut. You feel taut. Speaker 3 (16:10) It Speaker 4 (16:10) was very shouldery. It was very bicep-y today. Nothing really on the legs. Speaker 4 (16:18) But I pride myself on