#577 - Laundry Zero, Final Score Yoga and Mmm Meat Toms

Elis James and John Robins

The episode opens with a surreal, fictionalized skit involving a BBC Radio 5 Live wellness retreat and a cacao ceremony led by Matt Britton.

Key takeaways

• John attempted to install a new rotary washing line using an axe and logs just before a massage.
• The concept of 'Laundry Zero' is described as having every single item of clothing in a house clean at once.

Main topics

• BBC Radio 5 Live wellness skit
• Washing line installation saga

Notable quotes

It's basically dark chocolate with all of the nice stuff taken out.

Conclusion

A chaotic and humorous exploration of mundane domestic struggles, well

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:00) Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John. If Speaker 4 (0:04) you head over to patreon.com slash Ellis and John, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including... Mini Olympics. It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump. Bird Speaker 3 (0:15) watching. My two favourite things are birds and football. Retaking our driving tests. Speaker 4 (0:20) I am chock full of adrenaline. Yeah, me too. It's absolutely horrible. And you can watch our latest episode now. The Pottery Challenge. I should warn you, pottery makes me horny. We shouldn't have worn those lights, sure. Speaker 3 (0:33) So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com slash ellisonjohn now. Said Claire Macdonald, emptying a bag of roast chicken and time sensations into her mouth while sending an expletive-filled text to Chris Warburton, who's running late. Looks like Matt Britton has been to a sodding wellness retreat. The Director General of the BBC had summoned all of Five Lives DJs to Broadcasting House for a catch-up, but mainly as an excuse to celebrate the autumn equinox which had caused Colin Murray to give Nicky Campbell such extreme side-eye that had given him a headache. Absolute belch, he said as Naga shushed him. Adrian Childs idly played with the Velcro straps on his shoes before the meeting started. Speaker 3 (1:35) Hi, everyone, said Matt. Merry Equinox. I love this time of year. It's a celebration of fertility and renewal. The earth has awoken and Mother Nature's providing us with a tidal wave of creative energy and the UEFA Conference League has started. He hadn't noticed that Naga was doing a gesture under the desk that would get her a booking on the football pitch. At least when Tim Davey had these meetings, he'd handed out free mini-milks, fabs and knobbly-bobblies. Matt had given her a leaf. Speaker 3 (2:05) I hate to hurry things along, said Matt Chorley, but I'm interviewing Shabana Mahmood in 20 minutes. The Director General looked at Matt Chorley with pity. Matt's stressed. You're all stressed. Being a DJ at Five Live is the hardest job in the world, apart from being a fireman or a soldier or a midwife or loads of things. And I'm here to acknowledge that. That piqued everyone's interest, apart from Dotna Dabayu, who's snoring in the corner as 2pm is past his bedtime. Listen. I've seen the texts that come in. I get it. I was talking about this stuff at a wellness... I told you, Sir Clay MacDonald. At a wellness retreat at the weekend. But I came back feeling so refreshed. It was me, a couple of execs at Spotify, Daniel Fark and Fiona Bruce. We came together to sit, think, dance, roar and cry in a nourishment circle with one another and feel held. So I'd like us all to do that today. The room was silent, apart from the sound of Rick Edwards playing Crossy Road on his phone. You don't look convinced, said Matt. Why? Adrian talked to me. I was just thoughting to talk to Gordon Strachan about why Scottish teams are struggling in Europe. I don't think I need to be held, certainly not on the radio. Although if this is an open forum, I wish we'd stop buying Tesco Valley tea bags for the BBC kitchen. Adrian, said Matt. Come on. We'll chat, breathe, stretch, journal, dance, drink a bit of silky cacao. Adrian, I want to see your wild animal side. And then when you go home tonight, you can tell your wife that you feel valued and loved. To the same court noise. The Director General made everyone sit in a circle and roar out their worries. Matt Chorley roared that he worried that politicians didn't always give him a straight answer as he looked at his watch. Adrian roared that he wished Premier League regs allowed him to interview referees. Rick roared that he wished parental controls were turned off on his phones so that he could get rid of the ads on Crossy Road. The DG made everyone a cacao. Colin Murray spat it out and said it was grim before asking why Ellis, John and Dave weren't at the meetings. They could drink a disgusting drink and feel hailed. The DG sighed. Okay, I'll get them on speakerphone. Hi, Dave. It's Matt Britton, the DG. Can I offer you a cacao? I said I'd knock that on the head after the Oasis eating part. Speaker 6 (4:20) If you've got any, yeah, Speaker 3 (4:21) that'd be great. When I go home tonight, I'll just tell Anna that I've eaten too much tiramisu. Matt could hear John sacking Dave in the background. Would John or Alice? Hi, Matt. It's John Robbins. I'm afraid that Significant Productions is a ceremonial cacao-free company and that we don't recognise the autumn equinox, although I do pay special attention to the autumn statement. I've heard about your weekend retreat and I'm afraid that although I do breathing exercises to avoid night terrors, I don't do them around a campfire and any stretching Dave does is because he hurt his back at the marathon. Ellis does feel emotions, but one is feeling hungry and the other is feeling too full. And finally, none of us journal because Dave and Ellis have to do the school run and my morning... My morning journals reveal that I have psychosexual problems. Matt looked at all of the assembled DJs. I think that's enough for today, guys. See you all. See you all next month. And there you have it. It didn't work Speaker 5 (5:20) out. Speaker 3 (5:20) Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Wow. It's been a while. Speaker 4 (5:23) Since the five Speaker 3 (5:23) live. Yeah, we haven't really done one since Tim Davies stepped down. No, we've not. I've done Speaker 4 (5:27) quite a few, but they're obviously quite forgettable. No. No, because in your mind. Britain likes board Speaker 3 (5:33) games. He likes Jenga. Jenga is his thing. That was Speaker 4 (5:37) good. There was a lot going on there, I Speaker 3 (5:40) have to say. Cacao's big now. If you're into that sort of thing. I've never had it. No, I had it once. It's absolutely disgusting. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's basically dark chocolate with all of the nice stuff taken out. Okay. Well, Speaker 4 (5:55) all of the nice stuff not put in. Yeah, that's a better way Speaker 3 (5:57) of Speaker 4 (5:57) putting Speaker 3 (5:57) it. Speaker 4 (5:57) So if you're Speaker 3 (5:57) expecting Speaker 4 (5:58) Cadbury's marvellous creations, imagine that without the jelly tots, without the Smarties, without the milk, without the sugar, without any of the palm oil emulsifiers. All the good stuff. So it's a bit like eating stones. Stones and the memory of chocolate. Bitter stones. Bitter stones, yeah. Because a lot Speaker 3 (6:22) of health food shops sell things. Cacao nibs. Cacao nibs, yeah. Have you never had a cacao nib, Dave? No, what are you talking about? It's like you've Speaker 4 (6:30) eaten potpourri. Speaker 3 (6:31) I don't want to Speaker 4 (6:32) do Speaker 5 (6:32) that. Speaker 4 (6:32) No, no. But then I do know people for whom cacao ceremonies are very important. I thought cacao was drugs. Is it not nothing to do with drugs? No. If Speaker 3 (6:42) you think Speaker 4 (6:42) everything's drugs. Speaker 5 (6:43) I thought, like, you got high on cacao. Do you not? Speaker 4 (6:47) I think there might be a bit of that knocking around, actually. But I don't think it's... Let's look into it, please. Can you ask Frank? Cacao nibs. Speaker 3 (7:00) It's basically like hardcore cocoa, I think. Hang on. You're listening Speaker 4 (7:08) to Radio 5. Speaker 3 (7:11) No, it's food products rather than a drug. Wow, it's the legal plan to meditate, rave and work with, according to 3spirituk.com. There you go. But you can't get high in the psychedelic or mind-altering sense. Speaker 5 (7:25) It's in that world. It's adjacent to it. It's quite hippie, isn't it, I think. Speaker 4 (7:29) There aren't many things you can meditate, rave and work to. No. Speaker 3 (7:34) No. Speaker 4 (7:35) I'd say that's almost a unique selling point. Speaker 3 (7:37) But Speaker 4 (7:38) that drug is going to be a big seller. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you Speaker 3 (7:41) can use it to work and rave and meditate too. Yeah. All things to all men. Like Speaker 4 (7:45) a cup of tea. But anyway, how have Speaker 3 (7:48) you been, John? Speaker 4 (7:49) Well, Ellis, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, really. You do need to know. There has been a quiet revolution in my life. Oh Speaker 3 (8:01) yeah? You're into cacao? Speaker 4 (8:03) No, I got a new washing line. Right. We discussed this. Yes. And the diameter of the washing line was bigger than my old washing line hole. It's been a quiet couple of weeks. Yeah. So I dug up the old washing line tube and I decided for some reason to install the new washing line. Seven minutes before getting a sports massage. Yeah, but we've heard an email from your washing line company, actually. Yes, but I don't know if Speaker 5 (8:32) we can read that out on the BBC. Speaker 4 (8:35) Let's have a go. Speaker 5 (8:38) Just call them the washing line company. Speaker 4 (8:40) Well, that would help because I can't get the name of the company right because it's almost impossible to remember. Okay. You're listening to radio. Speaker 4 (8:54) Hi, my lovely threesome. Not sure about that. Yeah, that's all right. I think I sort of overstepped the mark. Trio is fine. Threesome for some Speaker 3 (9:01) reason isn't. Speaker 4 (9:02) Just listen to Tuesday's episode where John recounted the tale of his bows, B-E-A-U-X, mishap with his dryer. By the way, please inform John that bow is the plural of bow, so more than one male lover. I know that. But he says it anyway, Speaker 3 (9:17) and there's nothing wrong with that. Anyway, Speaker 4 (9:18) John referred to a brand of rotary. which he called Barabita. Now, I may be wrong, but is he referring to the washing line company? And then gives pronunciation. I work for said company and can advise that there are ground spikes for grass and plastic tubes for concrete setting. The rotaries come in various grades. And as you move up from essential slash economic models up to top spinner and then to the lift-o-matic. The diameter of the ground spike increases from Speaker 3 (9:47) 35 to 45 and up to 50 millimetres. This Speaker 4 (9:50) sounds Speaker 3 (9:50) like KVC. Speaker 4 (9:51) Yeah, where can you get them from, John? Speaker 3 (9:53) He's going to sell a leather jacket in a second. If Speaker 4 (9:55) he had measured the diameter of the old one, he could probably have replaced it with a model that fitted in the existing ground spike. Too late now for the future. I hope John has many years with his new rotary. If there are any issues, ring me at The Washing Line Company. Speaker 5 (10:10) Great. Speaker 4 (10:10) Now, I decided... Against my better judgment. In fact, I just lost all judgment to install the new ground spike seven minutes before a sports massage. Speaker 3 (10:20) Yeah. Speaker 4 (10:20) Because I sometimes... Unlike you. Yeah, I sometimes do this. Like the drive to get it done overwhelms the drive to do it properly. Yeah. Speaker 3 (10:29) So Speaker 4 (10:30) I tried to bury a ground spike with an axe and two blocks of two logs from my woods pile. That will have looked Speaker 3 (10:37) like real breakdown territory to... passes by. Speaker 4 (10:41) Yeah, so you're meant to dig a cross in the garden with a spade, but I just hacked at it with an axe. It looks like I was trying to murder my lawn. Speaker 3 (10:49) Anyway. Speaker 4 (10:50) Also, your lawn's dead for December anyway, so it looked like it worked. Also, the spike is like a foot long. It's mad. To go into the ground. To go into the ground. Eventually, by hitting a log against another log on top of the spike, I got it in. However, the washing line I've got is, it's mega line. Is Speaker 5 (11:14) that their name for it all? Speaker 4 (11:15) No. It's the biggest washing line I think you get outside of industrial drying companies for a man who lives alone. Yeah. Speaker 5 (11:25) It's adjustable, is it not? Can't you adjust the length of the line? No. What? Speaker 4 (11:30) It's like a sort of square one. Speaker 5 (11:33) Oh. So it Speaker 4 (11:34) just goes up and down like an umbrella. It's like if you were Speaker 3 (11:37) drying shirts for a football club. Yes. And you're doing all the age group teams as well. It's Speaker 4 (11:42) basically the width of my garden. So if you dry things on the furthest outline, they're in the hedge. Okay. And then is the whole garden in shadow? Yeah. The temperature drops by about five degrees when you fill the washing line. So anyway, I put the load of washing out on the line and it was only using one quarter, one quartile. I thought I could whack in another load. Speaker 4 (12:13) And the second load filled another quarter. I've got two loads. So you do four washing machine goes at once. Well, this is what I thought, is I thought I could, I am in touching distance of what Three Bean Salad podcast Laundry Zero have described as Laundry Zero. Which has never been done. No one's ever done it, where every single... item of clothing in your house is clean. And true laundry zero Speaker 3 (12:37) would involve you being naked as well. True Speaker 4 (12:39) laundry zero would involve you being naked and everyone in your house being naked. Yeah. Speaker 4 (12:44) Anyway, I believe that my washing line has capacity, my early estimations, of over 70 t-shirts. Speaker 5 (12:54) Blimey. You Speaker 3 (12:55) haven't Speaker 4 (12:55) got 70 t-shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaker 5 (12:57) Have you? Speaker 4 (12:57) Big time. Are Speaker 5 (12:58) they all in your wardrobe? Speaker 4 (12:59) Yeah. So why do you only wear 10? No, I don't. I've just Speaker 5 (13:02) got a good old rotation. He's got a Speaker 4 (13:03) good Speaker 5 (13:04) old rotation. How big is Speaker 4 (13:04) your wardrobe? Tiny. But how wide is a t-shirt? Two millimetres? Well, the hanger it's on. Unless you've Speaker 5 (13:12) got Speaker 4 (13:12) very thin metal ones. Are you rolling? No, no. I used to roll, but I don't. I hang. I've only just got into rolling. Yeah, yeah. Roll, mate. But anyway, I want to warn anyone that is thinking about approaching Laundry Zero, be very careful what you wish for, because laundry relies, the whole system of your house relies on about a third of your washing being dirty at any one time. How? Because as soon as everything's clean, you realise you don't have capacity for all of the clothes you own. It's very much like mugs and crockery. Yeah. If all of your crockery and mugs are clean at the same time, they don't fit in the cupboards. You could do towels and tea towels as well. You could. Speaker 3 (13:57) I mean, you could have the... Your house would just stink of Lenore. Yeah, but the point I'm making Speaker 4 (14:04) is you don't want to be in that place. No. You need the rotation. You need failure in your life. Oh, yeah. In order for the whole system to succeed. Finally, he admits it. Yeah. So that's all I've done over the past two weeks. Oh, right. Okay. Two weeks? That's not all I've done. I've done some meditating and some therapy. Speaker 5 (14:24) Yeah. Speaker 4 (14:25) I need to talk to you about yoga. Speaker 5 (14:27) Do you? Yeah, my back is done and I just need to figure out how. Oh, do you know what I did this week? Electro acupuncture. Speaker 4 (14:36) What's that? Speaker 5 (14:37) Well, it's the acupuncture and then they kind of tie, and then they kind of cut them up with a little electro. Oh, okay. And they attach you to the mains. Basically, yeah. And you feel it in the bottom of your back and they're all like tingling away in your little back. How Speaker 4 (14:49) did that feel? It felt great. I fell asleep again. I keep falling asleep on this Speaker 5 (14:52) guy's. massage table Speaker 4 (14:53) and Speaker 5 (14:54) then he did cups have you ever seen cups I've never yes swimmers Speaker 4 (14:58) in Speaker 5 (14:58) the Speaker 4 (14:58) Olympics yeah Speaker 5 (14:59) so I had six cups on the bottom of my back and it sucks into your skin now Speaker 4 (15:03) how did the cup that hurt Speaker 5 (15:05) I thought because I'm not good with the thought of being electrocuted Speaker 4 (15:09) I'm not Speaker 5 (15:09) good with electric Speaker 3 (15:10) needles being electrocuted I'm not good at being electrocuted I mean I used to be but I was younger Speaker 5 (15:15) then because I did a Tough Mudder once once. Did you? Yeah. Like for XFM, I think. It was some sponsored thing. What a radio station. And nothing bothered me at all. But the last thing you do, you've got to run through these little wires that basically give you a jab of electricity. I'm never doing that again. What's that got to do with fitness? Speaker 4 (15:34) Exactly. Well, Tough Speaker 5 (15:35) Mudder's a kind of, it's a bit of a gimmick, isn't it? Speaker 3 (15:38) You don't hear about it as much anymore. Speaker 5 (15:40) No. Why is it the love Speaker 3 (15:40) about Tough Mudder? It was on the website, it would say. only 88 % of our contestants win or sort of, you know, complete the course. You're like, that's loads. Yeah, that is a lot. It's not bad. It's basically nine out Speaker 4 (15:52) of 10. Even if that was sort of like a military training, they wouldn't have that because what's that's preparing you for? Like an enemy who want to slightly annoy you. Resilience, John. Yeah, so we're going to raid the main building on the corner of the town. That's where we think that the hostiles are. But do bear in mind, on the way, they have laced the streets with tiny electric shocks. Not enough to hurt you. That could be really annoying. It's going to make you flinch. Okay, so Speaker 3 (16:20) remember your flinch preparation. Just remember, when you come into contact eyeball on eyeball with hostiles, you're going to be annoyed. You're going to be really irritated for a bit. Speaker 5 (16:34) Well, no, it's quite, they were quite, I remember they kind of knocked you to the side a little bit. Anyway, I thought, I'm never doing that again. That's horrible. That was horrible. That was a horrible ending. So it was actually quite a fun day. Speaker 4 (16:43) Did he get dead? Rubbing what would otherwise Speaker 5 (16:45) be a lovely tough mother. Did he get dead, dead mother? Yeah, because you've got to crawl on the ground. Yeah, you see people Speaker 3 (16:51) in like in, in service stations having just completed a... Tough Mudder. Dead, dead mudder. Yeah, yeah. Speaker 5 (16:58) The orange t-shirt. So I always thought the electric side of acupuncture I'd be really freaked out by. Actually, I was fairly chilled with that. But then these cups get sucked onto the bottom of your back and then they're basically just kind of put underneath the cup. It's just that the pressure on the skin underneath is pulling it out because basically it's trying to pull the blood away from you. from your muscles that are strained at the bottom of your back. And it's supposedly meant to do very well. Are they hot, Speaker 3 (17:21) the cups? They are hot, but you don't really know it because very quickly Speaker 5 (17:25) it's just quite painful from the skin being pulled into the rim of the cup. So have you got Speaker 4 (17:30) cup marks on your back? I don't know. They're probably Speaker 5 (17:32) gone now. Put this on the camera. No. Speaker 4 (17:34) Oh, Dave, you're hot! That's Speaker 3 (17:36) my name. Do you know Dave? Oh my God, Dave. You look like you've been paintballing and the bullets were massive. Speaker 5 (17:44) So they did all that. My back's still in bits. And I think I just need to start doing some proper stretches and exercises. Regular yoga Speaker 4 (17:49) for you, Dave. Yes, we'll get you signed up to a yoga class. Speaker 3 (17:54) Because, yeah, Speaker 4 (17:55) that's... How have we got... I can't remember how we got on Speaker 3 (17:57) to this. You did yoga with Adrienne, didn't you, in lockdown? Yeah, until she Speaker 4 (18:01) started using a dog in the video and I couldn't stop imagining it farting in her videos and thinking... It's ruined Yoga With Adrian for me, the idea that she might be filming this surrounded by dog guffs. Speaker 5 (18:13) Okay. Speaker 4 (18:14) And that was the last time I ever watched a Yoga With Adrian video. But very good. Well, I don't mind that. Speaker 5 (18:19) You could do that. If you think there's some good ones, it would be good. Because my lower body will not shift. Speaker 3 (18:24) Oh, dear. And the guy Speaker 5 (18:25) said the acupuncture in the cups is like, you'll be right as rain in two hours. And I wasn't. Speaker 3 (18:31) John was big into yoga with Adrian until her imaginary farting dog put him off. Speaker 5 (18:37) Yeah. Speaker 4 (18:38) Dave, I've got a video saved on my favourites. What, for lower back? Yin yoga for legs, hips and spine. A 35-minute fascia release. Great. But yeah, I mean, you should go to join a yoga class. Speaker 5 (18:51) Yeah, I should. Speaker 4 (18:52) Yeah, Speaker 5 (18:52) there's a lot of things I should probably do. But if I could do it at home, that would be helpful. Speaker 3 (18:56) Yeah, I did that once. It was a bit spiritual. I don't mind that. Awful. Speaker 4 (19:01) No, Speaker 3 (19:01) no, no. I want nightmare. No. But I often thought, because there was probably five or six people at the cast, I always thought I was in a slightly different headspace to everyone else. You want pragmatic yoga. Exactly. You wanted it to be about the League Cup. Speaker 4 (19:16) Well, basically, Speaker 3 (19:17) yes. I was turning up, because my hamstrings are tied up to five a side. Speaker 4 (19:20) Yeah. So Speaker 3 (19:21) I'd be turning up in like... 2011-2012 Swansea City away shorts and everyone else was sort of, they Speaker 4 (19:27) were Speaker 3