Messy Bedrooms, Messy Behavior: Get Kids to Be Responsible For Their Rooms & Relationships #638
Calm Parenting Podcast
Host Kirk Martin discusses strategies for managing physical messes in the home and emotional volatility in children. He emphasizes shifting
Key takeaways
- Reducing friction, such as using a dust buster or cleaning caddies, helps kids with ADHD/PDA complete tasks.
- Use visual aids like before-and-after photos to help overwhelmed children understand what 'clean' looks like.
Main topics
- Managing physical messes
- Parenting neurodivergent children (ADHD/PDA)
Notable quotes
This is not a moral issue. It's not a disobedience issue. It's a... tools issue.
Conclusion
The ultimate goal of parenting through messes should be building trust
Transcript preview
Speaker 1 (0:00) So I'll just confess, we've spent our whole lives never really being pajama people. Until we tried cozy earth bamboo stretch knit pajamas. Now we can't wait to finish dinner so we don't feel guilty slipping into these heavenly soft, silky smooth and cooling cozy earth PJs. Instead of just throwing on an old t-shirt, man, slipping into these cozy earth bamboo pajamas has become the highlight of the night. They're breathable and light and temperature regulating. So you never wake up. up feeling overheated. It's always just right. And that relaxed drapey fit moves with you all night. But then you wake up and you still feel kind of put together enough to answer the door in the morning. And you'll want to linger in them over your morning coffee. or all day if you work from home like we do. So head to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for up to 20 % off home and sleepwear. That's code CALM for up to 20 % off on home and sleepwear at CozyEarth.com. And please tell Cozy Earth the Calm Parenting Guy sent you. Back-to-school time can be daunting for everyone, and especially overwhelming when you have kids like ours. Whether you're continuing a year-round rhythm or gearing up for a brand new curriculum, iXcel is a simple way to bring structure, confidence, and progress. into your homeschool routine. Here are three reasons I think you'll like IXL. It saves time and hassle. You don't have to dig through endless resources. IXL is organized by grade and topic, so you can jump right into what each child needs. IXL helps your kids learn according to their learning style, so that means there's lots of interactive games and step-by-step video tutorials. Plus, you get real... time feedback and progress tracking so you know exactly where your kids stand and what they need to work on. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So when Casey was young, we had a phrase in our home, which was, hey, where was Casey? And what that meant was wherever there was a mess in the house, that's where Casey had been. And I know this concerns you and it frustrates you about physical messes in the home. And we're going to talk about that today. But what I really also want is for your kids to learn how to clean up their own messes in life with siblings, with a future spouse, with classmates, within themselves, to know how to deal with internal disappointment and frustration. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast. And if you like this podcast, please hit subscribe so you don't miss any episodes and actually helps more parents find us. And a five-star review actually means a lot to me personally. So I know this is going to focus a little more on physical messes in the home. And I have scripted this out. But what I'm feeling inside is that I'm going to go off script. And when I go off script, those will be the gems. Those will be the things to pay attention to. So it's going to be a mix of... some very practical things to help you with messes in the home, but also some philosophical things, some shifts in attitude that are actually really important. So look, if you have kids that create messes all the time, that's normal. It would be weird if your kids cared about keeping their rooms as neat and orderly. As you do. Just like it would be weird for my son as a tweener teen to be as meticulous about lawn care as I was. Look, when you're a kid, you have a hundred other priorities and things you'd rather be doing than cleaning up. It just isn't a priority. So you're not alone if you're worried about this. And look, personally, I don't want kids to be a neurotic mess like many of us are. Secondly, control your own anxiety. about your child's future. If you are a good conscientious parent who loves their child, which you are because you're listening to a parenting podcast, then you have this reasonable fear. You're anxious that if your child is disorganized and can't clean up as a child, and if you don't correct them and teach them properly, they'll grow up to be a disorganized adult and they won't be successful in life. And that will mean you will fail to raise them properly. And it may mean that no one will bury them or hire them. I get all of those concerns about that. And while that may seem like a reasonable fear, it simply isn't true that a messy child grows up into a messy adult. You know, it's kind of like we talk about with the kids who... do the bare minimum to get by in school, or they just don't care. They're really bright kids, but they may get Bs. And we'll say, oh, they're being lazy. Well, there's a difference between being lazy and not being motivated. I guarantee you, I could spend a day in your home and find areas in your life in which you do not do your best. And it's not because you're lazy. It's because you're just not motivated. You have other priorities. So I can assure you, look, you have a DNA in your home. And it's like we've always said, like you model these things. If you are organized and you have a place for things. And if you don't leave dishes piled up for days on end, then your kids eventually will follow your lead. And if you are generous toward other people and giving and patient, your kids will grow up and internalize that. And you've heard me say Casey's bathroom and bedroom were horrid when he was a kid. Actually, I just got back from his house a few minutes ago where he fixed us dinner. And so his home is very organized and neat. off your shoes. In fact, we joked right before I left, I had taken off my shoes by their garage door. And usually they have us go out the front door. And I said, he's like, where are you going? And I was like, well, I left my shoes over by the garage and I know I'm not allowed to track dirt