How To Use Strategic Silence: You Talk Less, Your Kids Listen More. #641

Calm Parenting Podcast

Kirk Martin explores the concept of strategic silence as a core parenting tool to help strong-willed children develop emotional regulation and resilience. Drawing from personal anecdotes like a foggy hiking trip with

Key takeaways

• Kirk Martin shares a personal hiking story with his son Casey where he learned to 'back off and shut up' rather than fix his child's mood.
• Parents should distinguish between safe struggle, which builds resilience, and actual suffering caused by crossing parental boundaries or conscience.

Main topics

• Strategic silence and stepping back
• Strong-willed children and power struggles

Notable quotes

"Back off and shut up."

Conclusion

Listeners gain a practical framework for replacing anxious hovering wi

Transcript preview

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That's CozyEarth.com, code CALM, for 30 % off. So I remember exactly where I was when I got this idea for the podcast. Casey and I were on our father-son hiking trip, and he had planned this really epic day. This was going to be a big hike with these views of the entire mountain range. And we got up and it was really foggy. And we start climbing up through the woods. We had about 3,000 feet of climbing. And it's a hard climb. And he's in just, he's so quiet. I know when Casey is quiet, something's going on. Because like many of your kids, he was chatterbox as a kid. He never stopped talking. And so along the way, he said, Dad, I'm quiet because I'm so angry. I'm in such a bad mood. And you know how these kids are. They're like dark clouds. They're stormy. They're so intense. Their mood can control the mood of the home. And he was upset because he wanted this to be a great day. And now we've talked about this. He started catastrophizing. You know, whole day is going to be ruined. What if it doesn't clear up? We're going to miss the best view. the whole trip. And so I found myself having to be in this position where I was coaching myself that I am not responsible for his mood because I wanted to change it. But I focused on myself. Okay, I'm going to enjoy this day. No matter what mood my son is in, no matter what happens, I'm going to control myself, enjoy this day. I wanted to say, you know what's ruining the day? It's not the fog. It's your negativity and your attitude. It wouldn't be so bad if you would just change your attitude. And I want you to know that all of those thoughts you have, are normal. There's nothing wrong with those thoughts. I just don't want you acting out on those thoughts and letting those thoughts control you. But I don't want you to think, well, if I become calm, I'll just never really struggle. Yeah, you will. I've been doing this 25 years. I was struggling on that hillside. And I told myself in the moment, I remember the exact spot because I was coming around this turn. And I said to myself, back off and shut up. And I apologize if that sounds too harsh to you, but I really needed to say that to myself or I would have ruined this. And so instead, the only thing I said was, Case, I really appreciate all the effort you're putting into these hikes. And then I just put my head down and I kept going and I allowed him to own his mood. And I know you're going to struggle with this, but sometimes we jump in because we're so needy. It's like, well, I need his attitude to change so that I can be happy. But I want you to learn to live in the discomfort of this, because if you don't, you will provoke so many power struggles with a strong willed child. And I don't want you to do that. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us. and our back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Kudos to you, by the way, for actually opening up and listening to a podcast that is titled Back Off and Shut Up. And I can say it in a lot of different ways, but over the years sometimes I've just wanted to scream to people, not at people, back off. You just need to back off with the strong-willed child, or you will create so many power struggles, and you'll blame it on your defiant child because they're so big-headed and strong-willed, and they're so obstinate, and they're so... And my point is always, well, so are you, and that's why this is happening. So let's look at a toddler, and I'm going to give you examples for all age groups. So take a toddler who's just learning to... tie his or her shoelaces and they're struggling with it. And you're going to be like, well, honey, here, let me show you how to do that. Now, most kids are going to be like, thank you, mommy and daddy. I appreciate that. But your strong willed child probably won't. They're going to say no. You're going to be like, well, I'm just trying to help you, honey. No. And they're going to basically say, in other words, back off. off. And if you keep going, they may call you a jerk. And you're going to be tempted to take that personally with these kids. And so I don't want you. So notice the tone of voice. I want to model the tone of voice here,