Begin Again Moments: How To Communicate When Love Gets Hard

Begin Again with Davina McCall

Relationship experts discuss practical strategies for navigating conflict and improving communication within romantic partnerships. The epis

Key takeaways

Small, mundane frustrations like the dishwasher can act as deep emotional triggers in a relationship.
A 'protest conversation' involves asking a partner for clarification on what triggered them to prevent future repetition.

Main topics

Relationship triggers
Conflict de-escalation

Notable quotes

It is your partner against the issue.

Conclusion

The episode provides a hopeful roadmap for couples to rebuild connecti

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) What other kind of triggers can people go through? Because you said like people often have five, you know, like old past like hang-ups that they've carried through. I mean, after abuse or something like that? Yes, Speaker 3 (0:13) but they're not sort of the day-to-day triggers. They are, they're sort of more deeply embedded. They live there all the time. They need work. The triggers that I'm talking about are the sort of ones that get, you know, stupid triggers, like leaving the dishwasher, for example. You know, how many times have people mentioned the dishwasher? Oh, really? Oh, my God. How many times I do the dishwasher and then he or she comes and changes the dishwasher and off they go in the kitchen. Why do you have to do that? Why can't you just leave it? I mean, it's a trigger. Speaker 2 (0:45) Because Speaker 3 (0:46) there's a Speaker 2 (0:46) need for Speaker 3 (0:46) order. Speaker 2 (0:47) There's a need for order in one mind that is not the same as the order in another mind. Let it go. But people can't. They get triggered. But I was just going to say, like, you know, have you had people going, well, that's easy for you to say, but it drives me fucking mad. Yeah. How can you get out of that? Well, then we have to talk about where's your capacity to Speaker 3 (1:07) tolerate? Come on, let's have a think about it. How do you make this environment, this couple environment, more able to tolerate both of you? Come on, we've all got quirks. We're all different. We've all got these little bits and pieces. How do we get to acceptance of those without them being triggers, without them, you know, understanding actually, you know, I'm not going to say that now because it's just come in. Give him 10, give him, you know, or it's that time of the month. So I know that she's not feeling very well. And I won't mention that today. I'll do it later. Maybe I'll go and get a bunch of flowers. Something, just having an awareness of each other's triggers actually de-escalates so often what could have become something ridiculous. And the point is those escalations within a couple, they are, they're exhausting. Speaker 2 (1:59) Yes. Speaker 3 (1:59) And they wear away at the very, they wear away at the patience. of the couple they wear away at the tolerance and then you've got this again that's when the couple just starts to move away from each other because they can't be bothered but if there is an intention to sort of find out actually what what what can i do not to trigger Let's think about that. I mean, I have people sort of, if they've had a bicker, if they've had a bicker, you know, separate. And then the next day, can we have a protest conversation? Yes. Can you tell me, please, exactly what it was that triggered you? Okay, Speaker 2 (2:37) yes. Because I Speaker 3 (2:38) don't want to do that again. Oh, Speaker 2 (2:40) wow. So that's so nice because that's saying, I know I triggered you. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to do it. Yeah, please just tell me. That's such a nice way of coming about it rather than go, you triggered me. No, Speaker 3 (2:52) no, no, no, no. I did it. Oh, yeah, that's great. I did Speaker 2 (2:55) it. Speaker 3 (2:55) Please, Speaker 2 (2:56) please. What was it? Speaker 3 (2:57)