Alexandria Crow | When Achievement Breaks You: Reinvention and Recovery | 166

Becoming UnDone® with Dr. Toby Brooks

Alexandria Crow shares her transformative journey from a high-achieving collegiate gymnast to a yoga instructor navigating severe physical t

Key takeaways

• Alexandria Crow experienced a subarachnoid hemorrhage that required nine days in the ICU.
• Her identity was deeply rooted in her physical ability as a gymnast at the University of Arizona.

Main topics

• Yoga injury prevention
• Identity reconstruction after trauma

Notable quotes

Failing doesn't feel like a thing to me because it's just more data.

Conclusion

The episode serves as a powerful reminder that setbacks can be the fun

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) For many of us, going further isn't a choice. It's a feeling we can't ignore. Because ambition has a way of outgrowing where it began. Turning dreams into direction. Every journey brings us closer to the life we imagine. So, where will your journey take you? Etihad. Beyond Borders. Speaker 3 (0:30) This is Believe. One network. Every topic. Everywhere. Speaker 4 (0:40) This is Becoming Undone. I was like, this is so weird. I don't get this. And then also I'm really hurt and I can't keep doing this. And then I literally couldn't. So I couldn't keep taking photos and modeling for clothing companies and all that because I was physically in so much pain. I remember like a month where I could barely get out of bed without crying. It was all falling apart. And that was the piece, the psychological piece, because my entire identity. had now been constructed as this successful, capable. I mean, the wins, I guess, that I was looking for in gymnastics, I didn't get them over there at that level. But I was the top of the top, especially in terms of like physical ability back then in the yoga world. And I'd built up this business that didn't require me to be there anymore. in person. It didn't rely on my physical ability. It didn't rely on any of that. It was just about the information. And then I, last February, just over a year ago, it's like a year and a half ago now, I was in this room and there was this like weird zinging. And I was like, oh shit, I pulled my neck out again. I was just reaching into the trash and I was like, that's so weird. I was like, I remember getting up. lying down and going, something's wrong. And I couldn't take it anymore. He checked me into the hospital and turned out I had a subarachnoid hemorrhage. And I proceeded to be in the ICU for nine days. And the coolest part was my world just kept on chugging. Like I didn't actually lose anything that time. I don't know about you, but I have a really hard time with this idea of failure or that something has to be perfect. Either one to me feels so antithetical to how things actually work because I'm like, what do you mean failure? Failing doesn't feel like a thing to me because it's just more data. Hi, Speaker 1 (2:44) I'm Alexandria Crow and I Speaker 4 (2:46) am Speaker 1 (2:47) undone. Speaker 2 (3:01) Hey friend, I'm glad you're here. Welcome to yet another episode of Becoming Undone, the podcast for those who dare bravely, risk mightily, and grow relentlessly. We're proud to be a part of the Believe Network. I'm Toby Brooks, speaker, author, professor, and performance scientist. I spent much of the last two decades working as an athletic trainer and a strength coach in the professional, collegiate, and high school sports settings. And over the years, I've grown more and more fascinated with what sets high achievers apart and how failures that can suck in the moment can end up being exactly the push we needed. to propel us on our path to success. Each week on Becoming Undone, I invite a new guest to examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart to falling into place. I'd also like to emphasize that this show is entirely separate from my role at Baylor University. The views and conversations shared here are entirely my own. Becoming Undone is my attempt to apply what I've learned and what I'm learning and to share with others about the mindsets, the lessons, and the experiences that shape high achievers. Welcome back. It's been a rough couple of weeks for me here in Waco, and I have missed our meetups. You might be able to hear my voice. I'm recovering from a bout of COVID. So if I sound a little funny, you know why. It's been the start of the semester as well. So in addition to teaching a grad class, I'm also taking two others this semester. That will put me just one class away here at Baylor for finishing up my master's in exercise physiology. I've also started another degree program through the University of Florida, and I plan to sit for the Certified Professional Sports Scientist exam in December. So I'll have to say my plate has been full. But that doesn't mean that the show is any less important. So I'll start out by asking you a question. What happens when the thing that made you successful also happens to be the thing that starts to break you down? Alexandria Crowe knows something about achievement. A former collegiate gymnast at the University of Arizona, she went on to build a highly visible career in the yoga world, teaching around the world, appearing on the covers of magazines, and becoming known for an extraordinary level of physical ability. But beneath that success, her body was hurting and breaking. And eventually, Alex was forced to confront some difficult questions, not only about the way yoga was being practiced and taught, but about the identity, the achievement, the perfectionism, and where we place our worth. What followed was perhaps less a reinvention than a full-blown dismantling. Injury forced her to rethink her work, and a frightening health crisis challenged her sense of security. Along the way, she began discovering that some of the pieces she once thought she had lost were actually preparing her for what came next. Today, Alex teaches teachers. She challenges long-held assumptions about yoga, about movement, and she helps others build careers that are both healthier and more sustainable. Maybe most importantly, she's learned that failure isn't really failure at all. Sometimes it's simply more information about whatever's coming next. I hope you'll enjoy my conversation with Alexandria Crowe in episode 166. Let's get into it. Greetings and welcome back. Becoming a Nun is a podcast for those who dare bravely, risk mightily, and grow relentlessly. Join me, Toby Brooks, as I invite a new guest each week to examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart. to falling into place. Friends have a wonderful guest for us this week. We go way back to our days shared together at the University of Arizona. Alexandra Crowe is joining us today from Colorado. Alex, thanks so much for joining me. Speaker 4 (6:24) Hey, thanks for having me. Way back indeed. Speaker 2 (6:27) Yeah. Well, you've gone on to do some fantastic things and we will get into that, your career as a gymnast and then. More recently in yoga, lots of great things that are in line with the theme of the show. I always start with a little bit of an easy question to start. Take me back to the beginning. What first drew you to gymnastics? And when I met you at Arizona, you're obviously a collegiate athlete. Talk us through kind of the formative years for Alex. Speaker 4 (6:55) Yeah. What drew me to it is probably not. the starting point. I strongly suspect now I was born in the 70s. So this was long, long before how things are framed these days. But I strongly suspect I had a hard time holding still and like to jump off the furniture and things like that. So my mom put me in kinder gym when I was two. And I loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it. And then At a certain point, the gym I was at in Toronto could only take me so far, and they recommended that I go try out at one of the two competitive centers in the Toronto area. So I went there, tried out for both, ended up at Gymnastics Mississauga and trained there until I moved to the States. But before I even moved, I'd quit and became a diver. I dove platform and springboard for a couple of years. And what drew me to it always was, man, it's so hard. I don't even know because I was so young when I started. I don't really remember anything different. And I loved it so dearly. But I had a lot of the yips, actually, as a gymnast. That's why I quit is I kept coming up against like just this fear based kind of. And then I do terrible things like release into the low bar and hurt myself. And it was just kind of a mess. So I quit and went and dove. platform and they were like, you could go to the Olympics for this. And I was like, I hate it. I'm scared of this too. And then I actually walked on to the University of Arizona team after training for just like six months and getting myself back up to at least some degree of what resembled the old me. But I don't really remember what started me in it, except for that I loved it and it was my normal. Speaker 2 (8:49) I Speaker 4 (8:49) didn't know anything without it. Speaker 2 (8:51) Yeah. I've had several gymnasts on the show, and that's certainly a familiar story, starting really, really young. And sometimes that is a great way to build a love for the sport. Other times that's a great way to really kind of cultivate burnout in a young age. And it sounds like you kind of flirted back and forth with that. Thinking back to the Alex Moss that showed up on campus at the University of Arizona. Talk to me about your identity as an athlete. Were you a gymnast? Were you a diver? Were you just an athlete? Were you something different altogether? Speaker 4 (9:26) Identified as a gymnast. However, as an identity trait, I would say it wasn't the one that I was as tied to as some things that would happen later that I was unaware of. Speaker 4 (9:39) Probably gymnast was the root of it. I was definitely more identified with that, but it was more of this. I always had something in the future that I'd wanted to accomplish that it always stopped short of. So I really identified with trying again and maybe achieving something and also just having a place to belong. That was a lot of what gymnastics was to me. That's where all my friends were. I missed that terribly when I wasn't in it. Still to this day, like that's my favorite part was all of the people I was surrounded by and how much fun we would have. So I probably identified just like that's the place I belonged the most. And I definitely identify as an athlete. Always have. Always will. It's just a trait that I can't avoid. Right. Speaker 2 (10:26) Well, yoga and gymnastics are not. It's not like you went in a completely different lane altogether. That's a fairly natural progression for some folks. Yeah. Speaker 3 (10:35) But Speaker 2 (10:36) one thing we navigate frequently on this show is that leaving, that closure of a competitive athletic career and how that can just wreck you and how having that in your life for so long and it's either taken from you due to injury or you age out or there just aren't other opportunities. So talk me a little bit about that. through a little bit of your journey through the end of your competitive athletic career and what that was like for you psychologically. Speaker 4 (11:04) You know, Speaker 2 (11:04) I Speaker 4 (11:06) think I was done. I think you were the trainer still when I stopped. And I think I stress fractured or looked like I'd stress fractured my wrist at that point on the tumble track. And I was just done. I was. Six inches taller than when I'd originally quit, like it was beating up on my body, I had constant shin issues and ankle stuff going on. Funnily, none of the injuries I ended up with later that had nothing to do with gymnastics, but I didn't. My identity wasn't as wrapped up in it as I, yeah, as I would say mine was in stuff later that had much more to do with accomplishment. I wasn't the one on the top of the podium at that age. I was on the top of the podium when I was 14. And then that kind of petered out and I quit and went and did something else. So my psychological identity wasn't as wrapped in it. And I think I was ready to move on at that point. Later, lots of stuff showed up. Later, all the initial grooves that one gets from doing a sport like that at that kind of level showed back up. But I definitely was just, I was done. All my friends had graduated. Like, I just didn't want to do it anymore. And I was like, you know what? I'm just, it's all good. It's all good. I'm Speaker 2 (12:26) going Speaker 4 (12:26) to move on. But later, other stuff. Speaker 2 (12:28) Right. So talk us through that transition from gymnastics into yoga. you had a very successful career before a pretty massive pivot. So kind of talk me through kind of Alex Yoga 1.0. Speaker 4 (12:44) So it was actually Rose and I way back in the day who went to the first ever yoga class that I ever took. And it was in Tucson at a like Bikram knockoff studio with the carpet floors and the whole thing. And I just remember it was when I had finished and I knew. So the psychological part I was wrapped up in was I needed something to do. I never liked the gym or going running or, you know. fitness for the sake of it. I always did that sort of thing for athletic purposes. So when I took that class, I felt very physically familiar to me. And I really liked it. And I flirted in and out with it. So that was, you know, 28 going on 29 years ago now. And I didn't have a lot of money. So going day in, day out. It wasn't a possibility then, but everywhere I moved, everywhere that I lived, I would look for a studio like that. And then years later, I don't know, I was probably 24 in Scottsdale, I found a studio that I really liked practicing at, and I went there all the time. And so I really enjoyed this practice component of it. But I always say to people, it's not why I started. It had nothing to do with the physical part, because to me, I could do all that fancy schmancy stuff. What they do in yoga asana is like, I learned to do that when I was three. Like, God bless all the people that like get a thrill out of learning how to do a handstand. But that was not thrilling to me at all. But there was something about it that I knew had. Speaker 4 (14:20) had answers for me that I couldn't find other places. I was raised in a particular spiritual system that I didn't quite jive with. And that left me feeling really on the outside of everyone that I was in a family with, honestly. So yoga was one where I was like, there's something more to this. I know it's not this pose part. I know there's something else. And so I started reading, honestly. I'd done a little bit of that awesome stuff, but I started reading. text right away because I was like, what is this? What is this about? And I was working as a graphic designer at that point. And then I worked in fashion after that and sales and marketing and all that good stuff all the way through my 20s. And then when I was 30, I was so bored and so tired of those jobs that I went. took a teacher training because I was in Southern California in LA and I was surrounded by people who were teachers and who loved that stuff. And it was part of my life. And I was like, they're like, just go take it for the fun of it. And I did. And I got laid off halfway through the training. Speaker 2 (15:28) Oh, no. Speaker 4 (15:29) It's Speaker 2 (15:29) all Speaker 4 (15:29) good. It's all good. It's the beginning of the financial collapse. So then I had a choice. Go back, go back into the jobs that I didn't like or go forward and try to make this work. Speaker 2 (15:43) It might not have been an intentional move into a career in yoga, but Alex's journey was one where we can see, in retrospect, how opportunities align with obstacles at just the right times. A now-retired or former competitive gymnast, Alex had basically surrendered herself to the logical pursuits of adulthood. She'd put her academic accomplishments and her training in Arizona to work as a graphic designer and a marketing and a sales exec, but she was still searching for something else. A growing affinity for yoga made way for a teacher training course. And midway through, that job that had not felt so much like a calling and more like a responsibility was suddenly taken away due to the financial downturn. She was faced with a choice. Find another job that would allow her to pay the bills or lean into her growing expertise and