Boiled Parsnips 57: Kettles

Athletico Mince

The hosts engage in lighthearted banter covering a range of personal anecdotes and comedic sketches, from Andy's mysterious head injury to debates over Christmas trees and kitchen appliances. The

Key takeaways

• Andy jokes about a spot between his eyes, attributing it to either acne from sweating in a bobble hat or an old air rifle pellet injury.
• A satirical safety vlog by Mickey Dixon highlights the dangers of missing grit bins at garden centres and slip hazards for elderly shoppers like Mrs. Padlock and Ron Craggs.

Main topics

• Head injury and bobble hat banter
• Satirical safety vlog and Christmas shopping hazards

Notable quotes

"I think they call it acne. Oh, acne. which is quite unusual for a 53-year-old man."

Conclusion

The episode delivers a mix of casual host banter, character-driven comedy

Transcript preview

Speaker 6 (0:15) All right, Andy, how are you doing, like? Speaker 2 (0:17) I'm all right. Thank you very much for asking. All right, you think they're doing this Speaker 6 (0:19) one pretty fast. Speaker 2 (0:21) All right, let's have a look at Speaker 6 (0:22) the T-shirt. E-R-G. Blue, white, red, black, white. Do you recognise that? Is it something like the Saint-Édienne shirt? It's Speaker 2 (0:34) close. We're talking Syria. Oh, I know. It's Sampdoria, isn't Speaker 6 (0:40) it? Speaker 2 (0:41) Sampdoria. Yeah. Speaker 6 (0:42) Blimey. I can't believe I got that. Nice shirt. Speaker 2 (0:46) It had... Who did they have? They had Hullet. Lombardo, David Platt, Roberto Mancini, Gus Caesar, David Armstrong. Speaker 6 (0:58) Yeah. Speaker 2 (0:59) All the greats. Speaker 6 (1:00) Now, listen, I like it a lot. Thank you. But there's something like a spot or someone's thrown a dart at you between your eyes. What's that about? Speaker 2 (1:10) What is that? Well, well spotted. Yes, it is. I think they call it acne. Oh, acne. which is quite unusual for a 53-year-old man. It is. Maybe it's a good sign Speaker 6 (1:24) that your hormones are still flowing around you. Speaker 2 (1:26) It's probably a sign of hormone deficiency, if anything. But as you said, yeah, it's right between the eyes. I think I know what's caused it. I've got a new hat to wear when I'm out walking the dog. What do they call them, hats? Hats. You know them woolen hats? Oh, bobble hats. Do Speaker 4 (1:41) you Speaker 2 (1:41) call them hats? Bobble hats. No, it's like a bobble hat without a bobble. Speaker 4 (1:44) Right. All right. Speaker 6 (1:46) A beanie. A beanie. Oh, a beanie, yeah. I mean, whenever I see a beanie, I miss the bobble, you know what I mean? I think that they've taken it off us. It doesn't look quite right. Speaker 2 (1:56) There's a bobble that needs a bobble. Well, I've got a beanie and it's keeping my head so warm that it's making it sweat. Speaker 6 (2:02) Gotcha. And I Speaker 2 (2:02) think the sweat has got into me pores. Speaker 6 (2:05) Yeah. And Speaker 2 (2:05) created this bullet hole. Speaker 6 (2:08) Yeah. Speaker 2 (2:09) Either that or I've been hit by an air rifle pellet. Speaker 6 (2:12) In your sleep. Without Speaker 2 (2:13) realising it. Speaker 6 (2:14) I was hit by an air pellet. pellet pellet, a gun pellet when I were a young'un. That doesn't surprise me. My brothers was brandishing it, you know, like for the laughs. Right. Set it off and it hit me elbow, came in one hole, went out the other hole, created its own new hole and came out. So I was pretty chuffed about that. I've got two nice little scars on my elbow. I can actually say I was shot. Speaker 2 (2:43) You weren't shot by a fool, you were shot by a friend. Shot by a brother. Yeah, it's like living in America, isn't it? It is a bit. I've been listening to your new book. Ah, right. The audio version of it. I get to hear your voice, which, you know, I don't get enough of, I reckon. Very nice that you've created one of the characters based on myself. Which one's that? Well, that's the one that's got a really, really cracking arse. Speaker 2 (3:13) No spoilers. I'm not saying out else. I Speaker 6 (3:16) know the one, yeah. Thank you. Appreciate Speaker 2 (3:19) that. Speaker 6 (3:19) It wasn't based on you, but I do see it. Hey, look, I want to sing my song. You've got a song? My country music song. I want to get this thing going. You know, we're gibbering on. Well done, Sunderland, by the way, etc. Hope it keeps happening. Speaker 2 (3:33) I'll find the music, shall I? Speaker 6 (3:34) Yeah. You're getting ready for Christmas, Andy. You're getting it all... You've been down to Home Sense, B &M, and got your decorations. Speaker 2 (3:41) No, I'm not buying any new decorations. I've just got decorations that I use every year. Speaker 6 (3:45) Do you get a new tree, or have you got a false tree? Speaker 2 (3:48) I've got a fake one. Speaker 6 (3:49) Yeah. Speaker 2 (3:50) It's decent, though. It does the job. Are we diverting into tree talk now? Well, for Speaker 6 (3:55) my first year ever, I've got a fake one. I haven't put it up yet. I'm not one of these early, early get-ahead goers, you know. Yeah. Well, I Speaker 2 (4:07) don't mind. I think times are hard and if people want to stick their tree up in the middle of November, Speaker 6 (4:11) who Speaker 2 (4:12) will wait to judge them? Speaker 6 (4:13) Yeah. Do you mean sticking up their arse or just sticking up? Speaker 2 (4:16) No, I just meant sticking it up in the living room. Speaker 6 (4:18) Right. Speaker 2 (4:21) Are you ready to sing your song now? Of course Speaker 6 (4:22) I Speaker 2 (4:22) am. Speaker 6 (4:22) I'm always ready to sing my song. Speaker 2 (4:24) All right. Here we go. Three, two, one. Speaker 5 (4:29) I've been listening to that country fucker music, yeah. I've been eating Donner meat from 905. I've been waddling around the streets of Sunderland with my Alsatian Eric fuck by my side. Yes, I've been listening to that country fucker music. I bought some cheap grape juice from Kazakhstan I've been sucking on it like a newborn baby And it's bent my eyes and turned my brain to land But I'm not hurt Speaker 5 (5:10) I'm not bright as a spark, I'm Andy Dawson and I'm pissing on shadows. Shadows, shadows, in the fucking dark. Speaker 5 (5:24) I'm still listening to that country fucking music. Started seeing American soldiers under my bed. Speaker 5 (5:34) These soldiers seem to have started moving Trying to find a Viet Cong hidden in my shed But I'm not honky I'm not bright as a spark I'm Andy Dawson and I'm pissing on shadows Shadows, shadows In the Speaker 3 (5:55) Grand Isle Speaker 2 (6:01) That kind Speaker 6 (6:02) of gets us in the mood, doesn't it, Andy? You know what I mean? Having a bit of a sing. Kind Speaker 2 (6:05) of does. Kind of does. We should mention, again, music there provided by the singer Frank Turner and his group. Speaker 6 (6:12) That's fantastic, isn't it? Kindly provided. Speaker 2 (6:14) Do you want a couple of names to consider? Go on. Why did you look like that? You did a look which said you don't want them. I Speaker 6 (6:22) want them. They're unwelcome. No, you've misinterpreted the look. The look was one of saying, Christ, I hope they're decent. Speaker 6 (6:30) That's all that was. Right, Speaker 2 (6:32) OK. You can be Colin Oddnumbers. Speaker 6 (6:34) OK. Speaker 2 (6:36) He only does things in ones, threes or fives. Doesn't do anything higher than fives. Speaker 6 (6:43) OK. He's Mr 135. Speaker 2 (6:47) Colin Odd Numbers. Okay. Speaker 6 (6:49) Room Speaker 2 (6:49) column, Mr. 135. Just Speaker 6 (6:51) as a remembering for me, you know. Speaker 2 (6:54) Or you can be Ian DeGreaser. Ian DeGreaser, he generates incredibly potent spittle that can remove grease stains from any surface in seconds. Speaker 6 (7:07) Ooh, tempting. Ah. Tempting. Yeah. Anything else? Or Speaker 2 (7:12) you can be Honky Tonk, as per usual. Speaker 6 (7:15) I'm going to try being the degreaser. You know, I've got a lot of grease needs shifting in my pad. I bet Speaker 2 (7:20) you have. Speaker 6 (7:21) I really have, yeah. That's why I've come up Speaker 2 (7:22) with it. Ian Degreaser. Welcome to the show, Ian Degreaser. All right, Speaker 6 (7:25) Ronnie Hot Dogs. How are you doing? All right, mate? Thank you very much, yes. I've had a blog, vlog, I don't know what it is, sent in to me from Mickey Dixon. You know, he's from Teesside, obsessed with his safety and that. Got a bit of a Christmas feel to it, actually. Right. Do you want me to play it? See if you might get to learn something from it. Yes, please. All right, Speaker 4 (7:49) here goes. All right, Mickey Dixon here. I'm down the garden centre, you know, passing some time looking at the Christmas shite lake. I noticed in the car park there's no grit bin. You know, imagine the carnage. There's a sudden snowfall or drop in temperature causing ice puddles like Dunbar thinking about. Oh look, there's Gary Padlocks Getting his wife's wheelchair out of the car Alright Gary Did you know there's no grid bin in this car park? Nah, grid bin? You're joking, aren't you? Speaker 5 (8:24) No grid bin. That could be apocalyptic with the number of front-wheel drive vehicles in here. I might just fuck off to Holmesense. I'm only eating a lot of the Christmas shite. Maybe buy some Speaker 4 (8:37) old-fashioned sweets for the glove box, like... All right, Margaret. Mrs Padlock, how's your hip, love? Speaker 5 (8:45) It's fucking terrifying. The supporting tissue completely raged. It's bone on bone. It's Speaker 4 (8:52) like scraping a fish slice down your brickwork. I'm sorry to hear that, Margaret Padlock. Hold on, Gary. Gary, what's that you're wearing on your feet? It's my chicken-coloured slip-ons. Fuck's sake, Gary. They're entirely inappropriate. You might as well be wearing fucking ice skates. One false step and