Armchair Anonymous: Spas

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Umbrella

In this episode of Armchair Anonymous, guest Kat shares a wildly unexpected and controversial spa experience during her honeymoon in 2009. W

Key takeaways

• Consent and communication are critical even in intimate settings like spas, where boundaries can be blurred.

Main topics

• Unplanned intimate incidents at luxury spas
• Consent in professional settings

Notable quotes

"I said, are you upset? And he said, well, was there penetration? I said, no, there wasn't. He said, then good for you."

Conclusion

Kat's story illustrates how a high-risk situation can unfold with surprising grace when trust and

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:00) Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Daniel Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. And today we're going to hear crazy stories about spas. Speaker 5 (0:09) Spas, these are fun. Speaker 3 (0:11) Spas is a broad word. It could mean in a hot tub as well. We didn't get any of those. Speaker 5 (0:16) We didn't. And I buck up against that. People Speaker 3 (0:19) do refer to a hot tub sometimes as the spa. And I don't Speaker 5 (0:22) know why. I don't get it. Speaker 3 (0:23) And it won't be revealed in this episode, but please enjoy crazy spa stories. Speaker 2 (0:31) Come and go, take them slow. But one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining. Speaker 3 (0:49) Hello. Kat, you're in a sound dampening cubicle, it seems. I Speaker 1 (0:53) am. Speaker 3 (0:54) Are you at work? I am. And what part of the country are you in? Speaker 1 (0:57) I am in Charlotte, North Carolina. Oh, what a Speaker 3 (1:00) beautiful area. Are you from Charlotte? Speaker 1 (1:03) I'm from Eastern North Carolina originally. Moved up to New England for a little bit, but North Carolina is just so beautiful. The weather is great. The people are nice. So I've been back for about 20 years. Wow. Oh, wow. Speaker 3 (1:18) Have you been out to Emerald Island? Speaker 1 (1:19) I grew up about an hour away. Yeah, we'd go there all the time for like senior skip day. Okay, Speaker 3 (1:27) wonderful. Okay, so Kat, you have a spa story. I Speaker 1 (1:31) do. So I'm Speaker 3 (1:32) going Speaker 1 (1:32) to set the scene a little bit. Got married in 2009, actually on Halloween 2009. Speaker 2 (1:39) The Speaker 1 (1:40) schedule just happened that way. My husband, fiance now husband, had a five-day weekend. Got married, have time to take a quick little honeymoon. I'd also been laid off from my job about three months prior. And the Friday before we were getting married, I got a job offer. So I was scheduled to start on Wednesday. All the things. Fortuitous time. Speaker 3 (2:01) Yeah. And also like real crunch time. Speaker 1 (2:03) A lot happening. Remember, this is also 2009. So the Great Recession, all that. Lots of stress. Speaker 3 (2:09) We Speaker 1 (2:09) decided just to take a long weekend up to a... Really nice hotel spa place. I'm not going to say the name of it because I don't want to get anybody in trouble. And we really love it. So, and I want it to be able to go back. You got Speaker 3 (2:23) to protect it. Speaker 1 (2:24) So, they have a really nice spa. I had never been to a spa of this caliber before. We were celebrating. So, I booked my husband and I both a 90-minute massage separately. Not a couple of massages. I had had massages before. I've had... Female and male masseuses before didn't really Speaker 4 (2:45) care Speaker 1 (2:45) either way. So I gave my husband a female masseuse and I said, you know, I'll take whoever's available. Well, when the gentleman came to retrieve me, let's just say he was not bad looking. Oh, Speaker 5 (2:59) fun. Oh, Speaker 1 (3:01) my God. Tall, blonde, swimmer's body. Oh, shoulders. Of course, he was fully clothed, but you could just tell that. Arrows. The V was there. Yes, we love arrows. And I want to back up to, I had had a mini little panic attack right before, maybe a month before the wedding. So my doctor prescribed me some very mild Xanax. Speaker 6 (3:22) And Speaker 1 (3:22) I wound up not taking any, but come out of massage, I'm like, you know what? I want to fully relax. This is all over. You know, I have a job. We're married. All of the good things are happening. So I think I even took like half of one. I don't even know. what dosage it was. So laying there and I'm just fully into the massage and I start to notice that the sheet is falling a little bit. Speaker 3 (3:50) Are you in your back or your stomach at this point? I Speaker 1 (3:53) don't remember how I started. I'm assuming I started on my back because I ended on my stomach. Oh, interesting. Which is different. Reverse. Yeah, reverse back. Speaker 5 (4:03) It's literally reverse back. But there's some. Side boob grazing. Oh, okay. And then when you say this sheet was falling, you mean like off the side or like falling down? Speaker 1 (4:14) I felt like it was a little low. When I turned over onto my stomach, I thought it was maybe showing the little top of my butt crown. Okay, sure. Speaker 4 (4:22) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaker 1 (4:23) Didn't care. I was Speaker 4 (4:25) all Speaker 1 (4:25) for it. Speaker 4 (4:26) And I'm like, maybe this is the Speaker 1 (4:27) norm for a spa like this. You know, they're highly trained professionals. Things are going great. And I'm feeling it. I'm here for it. Right at the end, like I said, it was about a 90-minute massage. So I'd say probably about minute 87. A hand slips under my hip and I get a happy ending. Stop it. Wait, are you Speaker 5 (4:49) serious? Speaker 1 (4:50) Oh, Speaker 2 (4:51) my Speaker 1 (4:51) heavens. Speaker 3 (4:53) Yes. Wow. Now, okay, there's so much here. This is incredible. And Monica's going to need the name of the resort. No, this Speaker 2 (5:01) isn't a Speaker 5 (5:02) song. Speaker 3 (5:02) Hold on, hold on. You can't say that. Of Speaker 5 (5:04) course I can say that. You didn't pay for that, did you? Well. Speaker 1 (5:08) I did tip him extra after. Okay. Well, that's nice. Speaker 3 (5:13) Wow. So you were face down and he slid his hand under there. So that's exciting. Speaker 1 (5:19) That's the only reason I remember that I ended on my stomach was because of that. So he leaves the room and lets me get dressed. I put my robe on. And when I opened the door, he's standing outside. And we start walking down the hall. And I remember coming from the other direction is my husband and his masseuse. And I remember him saying, oh, and here comes your husband to meet you. And I remember thinking, you dirty bird. Speaker 5 (5:47) Oh, my God. You dirty bird. Did you tell your husband? So, Speaker 3 (5:54) okay. This is the honeymoon, by the way. I know. This Speaker 1 (5:57) is a little trick. Speaker 3 (5:59) People are going to have a Speaker 1 (6:00) lot of mixed opinions on Speaker 3 (6:01) this. Speaker 1 (6:02) Yes, I've had a lot of mixed opinions on this. My husband and I meet. It's like a dark room. There's a fireplace. By this time, it's November 2nd in the mountains of North Carolina. So it's a beautiful fall day, but it is chilly. They have fireplaces burning. So we sit there, sipping on our cucumber water. And I'm like, so how was your massage? And he said, oh, it was great. How was yours? I said, it was good. I said, did she do anything different? And he said, well, she gave me a scalp massage. That was really nice. Oh, Speaker 4 (6:37) I'm Speaker 1 (6:37) so innocent. Speaker 3 (6:38) He's like, oh, yeah, something did happen. Speaker 1 (6:40) So we sit there a few more minutes. And we're like, OK, let's go get our bathing suits on. They have a really nice grotto pool area. Outside, they have actually, if I recall, it's like a donut-shaped pool that's heated with a fireplace in the middle. So you're really just meant to lean on the side and drink a beverage. So by the time I get out there, he's sitting in a lounge chair and he has a bottle of champagne and some shots. So I get a glass and a shot and I'm holding them. And this whole time I've been debating how do I approach this? So I was like, I have something I need to tell you. And he looks at me. He's like, oh, God, are you pregnant? Maybe. I don't have my two alcohol beverages. I'm like, no. But I did just get a happy ending. Oh, my God. I just said it. He looks at me and he sort of looks away and he looks at me again. He's like, well, why didn't I get one? Speaker 3 (7:36) I was like, I can't help you there. Speaker 1 (7:38) You need Speaker 3 (7:38) to bookmark. Yeah, exactly. I Speaker 1 (7:41) was Speaker 3 (7:41) like, I don't know. Speaker 1 (7:43) I said, are you upset? And he said, well, was there penetration? I said, no, there wasn't. He said, then good for you. Oh, I love Speaker 5 (7:55) him. Speaker 1 (7:55) I said, so you're not mad? He said, absolutely not. I said, because I want to tell everybody the story. Speaker 4 (8:02) And Speaker 3 (8:03) he said, you should. Speaker 1 (8:04) And I knew right then of the many reasons why I married him, this was one of the main reasons. Oh, Speaker 5 (8:10) wow. That is wild. I want a little more detail, only if you're comfortable. Sure, absolutely. Of what constitutes. a happy ending. He Speaker 3 (8:21) robbed her until she orgasmed. Speaker 1 (8:23) And you Speaker 5 (8:23) climaxed. Speaker 3 (8:23) Yes. Speaker 5 (8:24) Oh my God. How does he have the confidence? Someone could definitely be like, this is so inappropriate. I'm getting you fired right now. Like, how does he know? I don't know. I Speaker 1 (8:34) can't answer that. I know, Speaker 5 (8:35) but this is like, I have so many questions. Speaker 1 (8:38) I have told this story. I mean, I was at a party one time and like some acquaintances and a random girl came up to me and we were talking about this. facility. And she said, oh, did you hear about the girl that got the happy ending? I said, that was me. But I have another friend I was telling the story to, and she started talking to her friends because she used to live in that area. And apparently I was not the first. Rumor has it there had been a complaint, which does surprise me because of the caliber. Speaker 3 (9:08) Let's attempt to weed into it a little bit. It's a dangerous thing. This is dangerous. Let's start with, if you don't want that, terrible. That's an assault. Yeah. Speaker 5 (9:15) I just want to be clear for anyone who finds this. Speaker 3 (9:18) Yes. If you don't want that, that's an assault. Speaker 5 (9:20) That's right. But you wanted to. Right. Right. So, but Speaker 3 (9:23) wouldn't you agree in this situation, this is wonderful. I Speaker 5 (9:26) think it ended up wonderful because it all worked out, but there are so many ways this could have gone absolutely horribly if she didn't want it. If the husband, if this caused a huge issue with her brand new husband, Speaker 3 (9:40) I Speaker 5 (9:40) know a lot of men that would not be okay with this. Speaker 3 (9:43) Yeah, very high risk. But I think that's why I'm so excited about it because it's very high risk, but it worked out perfectly. I agree. Did it occur to you like, hmm, I'd like to come back and see this massage therapist? Well, I guess in this case, we could say masseuse, right? They don't like when you say masseuse because there's a sexual implication. But in this case, maybe we can say it. But at any rate, did you think like Speaker 5 (10:02) checked a box or something on? Yeah. Was there any? Speaker 3 (10:04) Do you think you sent any cues? Do Speaker 5 (10:07) you want eucalyptus? Yeah, hot rocks. And then it's like there was like an extra box that you checked. And I don't mean to victim blame. Speaker 3 (10:14) No one's a victim here. No, Speaker 1 (10:18) and I do think I was giving the green light vibes. I was not shutting down. I was not tensing up. It was 80 minutes of solid foreplay. Speaker 3 (10:29) Wow. Okay, post the experience, a minute 90. Did you get self-conscious at the end or nervous to see him in the hallway? Or were you fine? Speaker 1 (10:41) No. That's why I brought up the Xanax, because I had taken that half. So I do remember most of it, but the inhibition was just non-existent. Sign art, Speaker 3 (10:50) yeah. Oh, wow. Kat, this is great. You're really nervous, Monica. I think understandably so, especially Speaker 5 (10:59) at this specific place. That is just shocking. I Speaker 3 (11:03) wonder if it's happening with the female. Speaker 5 (11:07) No, I doubt it. Probably Speaker 3 (11:08) not. Massage therapist? Well, Speaker 5 (11:09) it does happen places a lot. Oh, sure. Yeah, there's a lot of them. But Speaker 3 (11:13) they're generally not nice spas. Speaker 1 (11:15) Exactly. Speaker 3 (11:16) Okay, back to, did you make a mental note like, oh, I'm going to swing through here again and get him? Speaker 1 (11:21) He's probably not there anymore, but I think a one-time experience and it doesn't need to be repeated. That's why it happened to you. Speaker 3 (11:27) You can take a quarter of his annex. You're not abusing anything. You're not going to now abuse this. That's why the universe gave it to you. Well, Speaker 5 (11:34) if Speaker 3 (11:34) you Speaker 5 (11:34) go back, that's going to be an issue with the husband. Because then it's like Speaker 3 (11:37) you Speaker 5 (11:37) know what you're doing. Every Speaker 3 (11:39) trip. Yeah. Like, where should we go for the summer? I was thinking that massage. Speaker 5 (11:46) Oh, wow.