Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card XIV
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Dax Shepard and Monica Padman welcome a wild card guest, John, who shares a harrowing adventure from Canada Day 2017 involving a capsized ca
Key takeaways
- A sudden rise in river water levels eliminated the need for portaging, leading to unexpected dangers downstream.
Main topics
- Adventure in the Canadian wilderness
Notable quotes
I'm thinking, well, if I get caught, I'm done for. But I thought I could almost live with that. It was a calming thing.
Conclusion
John's story highlights the unpredictability of nature and the importa
Transcript preview
Speaker 2 (0:00) Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Today we have ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, wild card. We Speaker 4 (0:08) love a wild card because it's a big old question mark. Do Speaker 2 (0:12) you think we should do the same prompt but call it chef's choice? Remember in elementary, it was the worst day in elementary and it always worked out. I never got hot lunch, but like probably once every two months, my mom would leave me a dollar to get a hot lunch. Speaker 4 (0:24) Yeah, and it was on chef's choice. Fucking show up to Speaker 2 (0:26) school and it'd be chef's fucking choice. Speaker 4 (0:28) Like chef's choice. No, that Speaker 2 (0:30) means you're going to get whatever thing they couldn't move last week. And you're most likely going to get the Snoopy hot dog, which is like a quarter pound hot dog. It's too much hot dog. That Speaker 4 (0:40) was Speaker 2 (0:40) a Speaker 4 (0:40) huge hot dog? That was a Speaker 2 (0:41) fucking dog. I Speaker 4 (0:42) would think you would like that. Speaker 2 (0:43) Now I would, but back then it was overwhelming. You're so mixed messages. It's too big. Speaker 4 (0:47) Why don't we rename it to Snoopy hot dog? Speaker 2 (0:50) Okay. That's Speaker 4 (0:51) fun. Snoopy Speaker 2 (0:51) hot dog. Please enjoy Wild Card. Speaker 7 (1:01) Take them slow. My life. I had them both. I've had but one thing. You gotta know. I'ma keep on shining. Speaker 1 (1:17) John? It's John. What is this cute shirt you're wearing? It's to celebrate Cannabis Day. Speaker 2 (1:23) Oh, Speaker 7 (1:23) okay. Speaker 2 (1:24) Okay, there's an official Canadian Cannabis Day? Yeah, when they legalized it for Canada. Oh, that's exciting. Where in Canada are you? Little Speaker 1 (1:32) town called Coldwater, which is about an hour and a half north of Toronto. Speaker 2 (1:35) Oh, great. Sorry, Monica, but en route to Muskoka? Speaker 1 (1:39) Yes. Speaker 2 (1:40) Oh, lovely. So you have a wild card story, which means we have no clue what this is about. It could be grand larceny. It could be a kidnapping. We're hoping. Speaker 1 (1:49) You never know. My story started in 2017. My wife and I and two really good friends, Frank and Savannah, planned on going to a set of waterfalls on the river that leads from their cottage lake on Canada Day. Oh, beautiful. So we had all kinds of party favors and stuff like that, snacks, stuff like that. The morning of, I called Frank and says, do you mind if we use your canoe instead of mine? So I don't have to drag it up to the car, out to their place, and then back down the hill to their lake. Because he had a canoe and a kayak. So off we go. We had to motor out to the other end of his lake with a boat and drag in the two canoes where we got to the river. One thing I will say is the water was quite high. I'd been down the river before, and we had to portage twice. We never got to the falls at that point. And when we went this time, we just paddled right through. There was no portaging. The water was that high. Oh, wow. Speaker 2 (2:43) Okay. Speaker 1 (2:44) So we're five kilometers down to the falls. And just before the falls, the river got quite narrow. So then all of that extra water got really fast going through that narrows. And then it did kind of like a sharp turn. And at that point, Fiona and I capsized our canoe. Oh, and Speaker 2 (3:02) how far from the waterfall are you? I Speaker 1 (3:04) don't know. I'd never seen it before. And I didn't actually see the top of the falls. So we're obviously in the water. Frank and Savannah were in a two-man fishing kayak. And they got pushed against the rocks on the side of the river. And they just stayed there. as we're flapping around like a couple of wet seals. So then just before I went over the falls, Savannah, our friend, she says the rope, the rope is around his neck. What? The rope leading to our canoe. Oh my. Luckily enough, I got it off and went over the falls backwards. Hold Speaker 2 (3:33) on. Can I ask you, John, how old were you in 2017? Speaker 1 (3:37) Late fifties at that point. Same with my wife. She's a couple of years younger. So anyways, over the falls, I'm going backwards underwater. Speaker 4 (3:45) I'm Speaker 1 (3:45) thinking, I can't see anything behind me. The way I'm traveling, I'm thinking, well, if I get caught, I'm done for. But I thought I could almost live with that. It was a calming thing. Oh, wow. Speaker 2 (3:56) So Speaker 1 (3:56) anyways, I pop up and we had, like I say, all the crap we had in the canoe. There's a pool noodle right in front of me and I grabbed a hold of it. I couldn't see Fiona anywhere. And I finally got to the side. There was a bunch of rapids at the bottom of the falls. It was about a 20-foot drop. Speaker 2 (4:10) Okay, that's significant. Two-story building. Yeah, Speaker 1 (4:14) like I say, glad I wasn't watching myself go over. I got to the side of the river and got out. I've got no glasses, no shoes, and I can't see Fiona. Speaker 2 (4:23) Oh, boy. And Speaker 1 (4:24) I'm screaming and yelling for her. Our buddy Frank had come down the escarpment, found me, because we were on the same side, these points across the river, and she was across the river. He walked down the bank further down below the rapids, swam across the river to grab Fiona. and brought her so we'd all be on the same side of the river at that point. Speaker 2 (4:42) Then Speaker 1 (4:43) we had to climb up the escarpment up to where his wife Savannah was. We're now down to one boat. Like a two-man kayak. Speaker 4 (4:50) Yeah. Speaker 1 (4:50) Wait, Speaker 2 (4:50) what happened to your canoe? It went over and went downstream? No, it's still there. It's at the bottom of the river. Speaker 1 (4:57) It's at the bottom of the falls, yeah. Whoa. My neck would have been attached to that if she hadn't mentioned about the rope, because I didn't know the rope was around my neck. Speaker 4 (5:03) Oh, Speaker 2 (5:04) so there's so many ways you can get hurt, right? It's like, will you get hurt falling over and hitting a rock, or will the boat hit you in the head, or all the fucking flotsam and jetsam? I Speaker 1 (5:12) could have got caught on something underneath as well. Yeah. Horrible. I don't know if Rob's got the pictures, but there's two pictures of the falls. Speaker 2 (5:18) Yeah, let's see. Speaker 4 (5:20) Okay, Speaker 1 (5:21) yes. Where it shows the river. Oh, you can see his rocks. Speaker 2 (5:24) Yeah, for the listener, he went down a rock face with a sliver cut out of it where the river has rushed through. It's just solid rocks. Speaker 1 (5:33) Big, Speaker 2 (5:34) big, hard boulders. That looks like granite or something. Speaker 1 (5:37) Yep. Canadian shielder, buddy. Speaker 2 (5:38) Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, this is not a great waterfall to go over. Speaker 4 (5:43) No, thank you. And is this a dead body? Speaker 2 (5:45) What have you covered with the Canadian flag? Speaker 1 (5:48) Oh, oh, no. That's the next part of Speaker 2 (5:50) the Speaker 1 (5:50) story. Okay, okay, okay. Great, great, great, great. Okay. Okay, so anyways, that was part of our party favors. We had a Canadian flag for Canada Day. Speaker 2 (5:57) We Speaker 1 (5:58) then decide that Fiona and I and Savannah are going to get into this two-man Hobie. You don't have paddles with this. It's got flippers underneath. So the front... passenger compartment. We had to take the paddles out so Fiona and I could sit in it. So all we've got is Savannah in the back trying to paddle. So it was against a strong current. Oh, Speaker 2 (6:14) geez. And Speaker 1 (6:15) Frank's trying to swim behind us. Oh, my God. Oh, God Speaker 2 (6:17) bless Frank. He's like, I'll take one for the team. Speaker 1 (6:20) So I kept yelling back for Frank. And of course, he's trying to swim and he can't respond. So we actually got about a half a kilometer up the river. I kept calling out to Frank and he wasn't responding. So I said, no more. We're not going any further. And we decided to... get off the boat and see what else we could do. Because we'd also almost capsized the Hobie with the fast water. So then comes the body under the flags. There was actually three of us under there. Savannah, Speaker 2 (6:44) Fiona and I are under that Canadian flag. To keep warm or to smoke weed? What's going on under there? Speaker 1 (6:50) The weed's gone down the river. Oh no. That's sad. The black flies and mosquitoes were just eating us alive. Speaker 4 (6:57) Oh. The Speaker 1 (6:58) reason why we had the picture was I said to Frank, start taking pictures. And he didn't stop. So he had one bar on his phone and he called 911. 911 operator contacted the local fire department and they said no. And then we're in Seguin Township and it's a volunteer fire department. And three fire personnel came down the river on a small aluminum boat. Wow. Speaker 4 (7:19) Wow. Speaker 1 (7:21) Around that time, an air ambulance starts circling up top. They can't come down and help us, but maybe just let us know that somebody is around. And we were getting constant updates from the 9-1-1 operator. They're at the ramp for the lake. It's about two kilometers up to the river. They're at the mouth of the river. They're on their way down. Oh, wow. Was anyone hurt? I lost my shoes. I bruised up both my ankles, my wrists. And then Fiona had bruising as well. Around the time that the fire department showed up. Search and rescue comes in with another helicopter. So it was fire department and two helicopters. We're pretty popular. Speaker 4 (7:54) Yeah, Speaker 2 (7:54) yeah. They've really deployed everyone. Speaker 1 (7:56) Well, luckily enough, they were in the area doing maneuvers. So it only took them 45 minutes to an hour to get there. And did all four of you fit in this aluminum boat? Well, there was already three big firemen in it. There's no way we could have. Plus, they had their Hobie to take back out. So there's two SARS techs rappelled down from the helicopter and picked Fiona and I up. Oh, wow. Air lifted you up. Speaker 4 (8:15) Wow. Yeah. Speaker 1 (8:16) And you wouldn't believe the downdraft from that thing, especially when you're right underneath it. There was branches and leaves flying all over the place. What we were told later was the downdraft actually knocked down three trees as well. Oh, my God. Whoa, Speaker 2 (8:28) whoa, whoa. Speaker 6 (8:28) There Speaker 1 (8:29) may be like 100 feet above you. Speaker 2 (8:30) Well, yeah, you got to assume the helicopter is like 10,000 pounds, which means it's deploying 10,000 pounds of. force to lift itself up. Speaker 1 (8:38) So we get, like I say, we get in the helicopter. The SAR tech that was with me said, they're going to get you to the hospital and they're going to wrap me in a warm bear hug. Oh. Speaker 4 (8:48) I didn't ask. Speaker 1 (8:49) He didn't explain. But apparently it's some sort of a warm saline solution in a blanket. Oh, that Speaker 2 (8:55) sounds nice. Ward off hypothermia. Because Speaker 1 (8:57) I was shaking like crazy. Of course, I'm soaking wet still. They got us into the Parry Sound Hospital, the emergency department, and they were just phenomenal. They separated us, which kind of upset me a little bit because I wanted to be with Fiona. And of course, they do the procedure. They want to start cutting off all your clothes. And I said, no, you can't cut off the T-shirt. You can't cut off the T-shirt. Because the last time I was on that river with Frank, I capsized the canoe. We never made it to the falls. Wow. Speaker 2 (9:21) You keep going, though. It doesn't sound like you're an expert boater, but you keep at it. Normally you'd admire that, but in this case with water, I don't know if you should keep at it. Speaker 1 (9:31) But the t-shirt, the text on it is upside down and backwards. And it says, if you can read this, pull me back into the canoe. Speaker 2 (9:39) Oh, wow. Yeah, it was the ideal shirt. If I was picking you up on the repel line, I would be like, was this premeditated? Exactly. I'm going to give this guy the