Armchair Anonymous: Dinner Party

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

In this Armchair Anonymous episode, hosts Dax and Monica Shepard interview four callers who share wildly chaotic dinner party disasters ranging from kitchen catastrophes to childhood injuries. Jillian

Key takeaways

• Jillian's husband accidentally purchases a gallon of vegetable oil instead of broth, causing a massive kitchen spill that ruins the floor and Thanksgiving prep.
• Kat recounts a 2001 Muskoka cottage dinner where host Betty casually shoots crows with a shotgun mid-meal to stop them from making noise.

Main topics

• dinner party disasters
• Thanksgiving cooking mishaps

Notable quotes

"I don't think I even know what vegetable broth is."

Conclusion

The episode delivers lighthearted entertainment by framing everyday ho

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Today we have crazy dinner party stories. Shocking you don't have one given how many dinner parties you host. I Speaker 6 (0:12) mean, I must. Other than Speaker 1 (0:13) stanking up your whole house with fish. That was bad. Speaker 6 (0:15) Yeah, that was really, I don't want to think about that. But probably Speaker 1 (0:17) not worthy of, these are crazier. That was the whole story. That was the whole story. It stank. Please enjoy Crazy Dinner Parties. Speaker 1 (0:26) times Speaker 8 (0:27) Come and go Speaker 8 (0:31) Take them slow. Speaker 8 (0:34) My life I had a boat Remember one thing You gotta know. I'ma keep on shining. Speaker 1 (0:45) Hi there. How Speaker 8 (0:46) are Speaker 1 (0:46) you? Speaker 7 (0:47) Hi. Very nice to meet you guys. Speaker 1 (0:49) You're a lover of leather. Speaker 7 (0:50) Yeah. Speaker 1 (0:53) I'm Speaker 7 (0:53) pretty sure this is one of my Halloween jacket finds. Is Speaker 1 (0:57) it Jillian? Speaker 7 (0:59) It is Jillian, yeah. Speaker 1 (1:00) Okay, great. Where are you? Speaker 7 (1:02) I'm in northern New Jersey. Speaker 1 (1:04) Northern New Jersey. Is that close to New York City? Speaker 7 (1:07) Kind of. It's really where the top of New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania all meet. So kind of by high point monument. Speaker 1 (1:13) Oh, OK, great. Are you born and raised there or have you migrated there? Speaker 7 (1:16) No, born and raised in New Jersey. Speaker 1 (1:18) OK, lovely. And how far are you from New York if you drive New York City? Probably Speaker 7 (1:23) like an hour and a half. It's not too bad. And Speaker 1 (1:25) how frequently do you go? Speaker 7 (1:26) Not too often. I'll go to like see a show or something. I do have family who live out there. I Speaker 1 (1:30) hear this all the time. People who live like an hour away from New York. Don't you think, Monica, you would be going all the time? But then people don't. I Speaker 6 (1:36) would think that, but probably not. I mean, even when I live in Atlanta, I never went to Atlanta. Like I lived in the suburbs and you just don't go. You Speaker 1 (1:45) don't go. Yeah, Speaker 7 (1:46) same. I lived in Jersey City for a while. And even then I can count on one hand how many times I actually went into New York, even when I lived in Jersey City. Yeah. Yeah. Speaker 1 (1:52) You just Speaker 7 (1:53) stay in your area. It's also not for everyone. Not for everyone. It's shocking as that Speaker 1 (1:56) is to believe. Okay, so you have a wild dinner party story. Speaker 7 (1:59) I do. So this takes place in December of 2022. It was a cousin's giving. And my cousins, my sister and I, we used to all share and host. But this time it was my turn. And I was really nervous because I always screw something up. So whether I say something stupid or do something stupid, something ends up happening. And everyone's like, oh, Jill. How many cousins Speaker 1 (2:19) are there? Like how many people attend? Two Speaker 7 (2:21) cousins, a cousin's wife and my sister and I, plus my husband. Speaker 1 (2:25) OK, six. This is a manageable dinner party. Speaker 7 (2:28) Exactly. Like it wasn't anything crazy. It was something that was supposed to be very simple, but it didn't turn out that way. So I can't cook to save my life. I have to preference that. Like I could boil a mean pot of water. You know, I could be a sous chef, but my husband does all the cooking. He's great at that. He's wonderful. So he agreed he would do the cooking and I would do the cleanup, which is. Perfect. That's a hard job. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to undercook the turkey, you know, and get everyone sick. So that was our deal. He goes shopping. He gets the turkey. He gets all the things for everything because we were going to do a couple of sides and everyone else was going to fill in the gaps. So he gets all of that done. I'm cleaning the house the day before it comes. And he goes, you know what? I'm going to go out with some friends. I'll come back later. I'll get the turkey all set up. You go to bed because I know you're anxious about the evening. So I'm like, all right, fine. So I pop a tile and I'll PM. straight to bed. I'm basically dead to the world. I don't even hear him come to bed. So the next morning I wake up and I'm happy. I'm like, okay, today's the day. He has everything all set. I go downstairs and whoop, immediately slip on the floor. Oh no. Was Speaker 1 (3:24) it wet or you just slept? Speaker 7 (3:26) Well, I'm like, what in the world's going on? So it's very slippery. So I'm like, what's going on? And I'm feeling the floor and I'm like, this isn't water. So I go to grab a paper towel and there's no paper towels. We just bought a whole bunch. There's Speaker 1 (3:38) been an incident. Speaker 7 (3:40) He heard like the thud. And so he comes downstairs. He's just like, oh, hey. And I'm like, what's going on? Why is the floor so slippery? So when he went to the store, he saw vegetable and he saw gallon. And he just saw the two words and that checked off his list. He thought he was buying vegetable broth and he bought vegetable oil. Speaker 1 (3:59) Oh. Because they don't sell Speaker 7 (4:00) vegetable broth by the gallon. Speaker 6 (4:01) Oh, Speaker 7 (4:02) my Speaker 6 (4:02) God. I don't think I even Speaker 1 (4:03) know what vegetable broth is. Speaker 7 (4:05) Vegetable broth, like chicken broth. Speaker 1 (4:06) Oh, okay. But that's not vegetables, but similar to chicken broth? Speaker 7 (4:10) And normally they come in those containers, but they don't sell them by the gallon. Yeah, like the paper thing. Yes. I guess when he went to go throw in the spices, it- just exploded everywhere. And even then, when he came downstairs, I noticed he had some spots on his face and it didn't even dawn on me when we were initially talking. Do Speaker 1 (4:25) you think he might have been tipsy when he took on this project after coming home from the... Oh, Speaker 6 (4:29) yeah. Speaker 7 (4:29) Oh, yeah, because I'm like, how when he's pouring it out, does he not realize it's oil? Well, so I guess when he was also heating it up, he realized it wasn't bubbling and he was like, well, I guess it's ready and went to go throw everything in and just... Oh, Speaker 1 (4:43) my God. Speaker 7 (4:45) everywhere. So I'm like, what are we going to do? I'm like, we can't go out and buy new turkeys. Speaker 1 (4:49) Forgive me. Why do we need the vegetable broth? How was the turkey involved with the vegetable broth? Speaker 7 (4:54) So I guess that's something that you use to brine it. Speaker 1 (4:56) Oh, okay. Okay. There's Speaker 6 (4:58) multiple uses. You use it for the stuffing. You use it for the gravy. I guess he used it on the turkey. He smeared it all over Speaker 1 (5:07) the turkey. He oiled it up good. Yep. He really lapped it. Bathed it in oil. So Speaker 7 (5:13) at this point, we're like, we can't go out and buy a new turkey. So we then get it in the pan and we open up the oven. Now, to preface this, we had a very small kitchen where you couldn't really open up the fridge and the oven at the same time. The oven was relatively small. So we go to put the turkey in the pan and put it in the oven. And now we realize that we can't even get the pan in the oven. The pan's too big. Oh, I hate this. God, it's so Speaker 6 (5:35) hard to cook Thanksgiving in a small Speaker 7 (5:36) kitchen. I've Speaker 6 (5:37) also done it. Speaker 7 (5:38) Yeah, and at this point, I'm just regretting all Speaker 6 (5:40) of my decisions. I'm like, should Speaker 7 (5:41) we cancel? Yeah, you're like, is there a Boston market nearby? At this point, like, let's just order pizzas and call it a day. But I remembered from when I was a kid, our oven caught on fire during the holiday. So I knew when I was a kid that we could cook the turkey on a grill. We did have a grill, so. I'm like, listen, let's not panic. We'll do it on the grill. And he's like, no, I'll do it on the grill. He's just like, you don't know how to do this. So he goes outside, figure it out. He goes to light it and we have no propane. So he goes out to go get propane. As he's grabbing his car keys, he realizes now it's pouring rain now. Speaker 1 (6:14) So Speaker 7 (6:14) not only is he going to have to go out in the rain, but now he's going to have to cook the entire turkey in the rain. Oh, Speaker 1 (6:20) boy. Speaker 7 (6:21) He's gone. He comes back. He's getting everything situated. And I'm noticing that people are shouting. to show up early. Turkey's not cooked. Like everything's kind of chaotic. And I had invited my cousin, his wife and their dog. And the dog is very cute, but she's a little bit of a nervous pup. And I did not realize that, but they were coming from a far distance. And I was like, no, just bring her. It'll be fine. So the dog's barking. She's nipping at us every single chance we get. This dog clearly does not want to be there. And we're still trying to get everything. My husband's soaking wet from the rain. He's like coming in and out. We're leaving the door open a little bit because there's no ventilation. They come in. They say hello. And eventually my sister comes in and I'm like, OK, well, now I want to go in the living room and join the conversation. We get in there. And when you approach a dog, you're supposed to go the top of your hand out, not palm up. Speaker 1 (7:07) OK, for the sniff. Yeah. Speaker 7 (7:09) So they can sniff you. I did not do that. I went palm up and the dog immediately. nip me and bit me so it wasn't a big bite but it was enough where it was just profusely bleeding oh wow wow Speaker 1 (7:20) yeah this is really going sideways yeah nothing's working really the socializing isn't working we Speaker 7 (7:27) got an attack dog Speaker 1 (7:27) on the scene yeah Speaker 7 (7:29) it was it was just chaotic so my cousin was very apologetic he's like i'm so sorry i'm are you always fine but meanwhile i'm like And now we have no paper towels. So I have nothing to wrap it in. So we had some of those fancy Thanksgiving napkins that don't really absorb anything. They just have the fancy turkey picture on it. So I'm trying to hold up my hand so it could try to stop bleeding. But I still have these sides that I have to mix and everything. So I'm mixing with my non-dominant left hand. We're slipping on the floor. There's blood everywhere. Like it was just it was chaotic. So my other cousin now comes in. She's the one that actually lives in New York. She comes in and she's like, what? the hell's going on? She sees I'm sweating because it's hot in the kitchen. You know, she's slipping on the floor. She's wondering if there's going to be like blood in the mashed potatoes. It's too much. Now my husband comes in and he sees my hand. He's like, what happened? So I told him he runs upstairs to go get me a bandaid. In the meantime, again, the doors opened up a crack and the dog just walks over and runs out the door. Oh my God. Speaker 6 (8:27) I Speaker 7 (8:27) lived on a very busy street corner. Oh Speaker 1 (8:29) Jesus. Speaker 7 (8:30) So I was like, oh, my God, the dog's going to run out in the middle of the street. It's going to die. My cousin's never going to talk to me again. This is just the worst day ever. It's not your fault. Speaker 1 (8:39) Thanksgiving's going to turn into a funeral. Now Speaker 7 (8:41) we're running after this dog, my husband and I, in the rain. bloodied up, just not feeling great at this point. Thankfully, my cousin's wife opened up the door, called the dog and the dog thankfully ran to her. But it was continuously running in between my neighbor's yard, my yard. It was just a nightmare. And of course, I don't want to grab this dog again because I don't want my whole hand getting chopped off. So we finally get in. Everyone's now calm. We thankfully have the Thanksgiving turkey and it came out beautiful. So shout out to my husband. He did a beautiful job. On the grill. That feels challenging. Speaker 1 (9:11) Yeah. Because you're using the grill as an oven kind of. Yeah. Which, Speaker 7 (9:15) yeah, you can do. If anyone's ever in a pinch, use your grill. Pop it on the grill. Just Speaker 6 (9:19) make sure you have Speaker 7 (9:19) propane. It had like a nice crispy crust too. Yum. All that oil. Yeah, like, and thankfully, no one's eyebrows got singed off, so that was a good thing. But yeah, so Thanksgiving didn't turn out to be a total disaster, but it's safe to say we have not hosted anything since that point. It's hard with all those Speaker 6 (9:35) restrictions. Speaker 1 (9:36) Well, I think it's very human. People get a little too ambitious on that day. They go like, I haven't really tried all this stuff, but how hard could it be? It's fun Speaker 7 (9:44) to do, but it's a lot. I have fun showing up to the event and being like, I brought a pie. Speaker 1 (9:49) Yeah, that's ideal. Speaker 7 (9:50) Safe to say we have not hosted again. We've gone out since. Cousins. Monsgiving, you're just going out now. Yeah, exactly. Like professionals know how to do this. Speaker 1 (9:57) Even if you had crammed that 10-pound turkey in the 5-pound oven, now where are you baking all the shit? Because you got so much stuff to bake. That's the problem. Because I Speaker 6 (10:05) do Monsgiving, so I cook the whole thing. I've done this now two or three years. Three years, I think. And you have to have a whole... system laid out time wise. So this goes in at this time, then comes out, then this goes in and then this comes out. Sometimes you can double if there's space. Yeah, Speaker 7 (10:23) it was honestly, it was just so chaotic. Definitely. If I do do something in the future, I have to be able to time it out a little bit better. But thankfully, it did come out. Oh, well, and that's a huge thanks to my husband. He's actually here. If I could bring him out to meet you guys. Let's meet the griller. The Speaker 1 (10:37) grilling chief. Hey, Speaker 7 (10:38) guys. Oh, you're holding a little turkey. Speaker 1 (10:42) How Speaker 7 (10:42) small. This is our baby. Oh, how Speaker 1 (10:45) old is this baby? Speaker 7 (10:47) Eight weeks old. Oh, my gosh. Congratulations. Speaker 1 (10:49) Oh, my God. He's so cute. Speaker 6 (10:53) Say hi to Dexter, Monica. No, Speaker 1 (10:55) he's going to cry if I do that. Yeah. He doesn't care about being an armchair expert. Speaker 8 (11:02) He's the master griller. He did a fantastic job. I love that she picked this story. I swear I'm good at cooking sometimes. Speaker 1 (11:08) I mean, a lot of misses, but at the end of the day, you saved it. It flew under the Speaker 8 (11:12) radar. Nobody asked any questions, and so that was a success. Speaker 1 (11:17) Now, how did so much oil get on the floor? I understand it exploded when you put the spices in. You Speaker 8 (11:21) gotta remember, it was late at night, which was my first mistake. You know, you're supposed to boil the broth and the spices, and then you throw the turkey in. It wasn't boiling. And I'm like, why isn't it boiling? Because it's... oil and it's super heated. Yeah, so I started cranking it. And then I can't remember what the catalyst was, but you know, you agitate it in any way. And it wasn't, you know, like a little bit of a geyser. Nothing caught fire, but the window just had covered in oil. The surfaces covered in oil. Speaker 5 (11:49) We Speaker 8 (11:49) used, I think, like an entire Costco package of paper towels. Like, please don't wake Jill up. Please, please don't let her find out that I'm doing this. Speaker 1 (11:57) Oh, that's great. Oh, boy. It Speaker 7 (12:00) was delightful Speaker 1 (12:00) to meet you guys. What a sweet family you are. Speaker 7 (12:03) I would also like to give a quick shout out to my sister, Trish, my cousins who, you know, thankfully ate the food. And to our friends, Katie and Claire, who got us turned on to Armchair Anonymous. And Claire just recently got engaged. Congratulations. Speaker 1 (12:15) We Speaker 7 (12:16) love that. Speaker 1 (12:16) Oh, Speaker 7 (12:16) so Speaker 1 (12:16) much life affirming stuff happening. Speaker 7 (12:18)