Armchair Anonymous: Bad Customer

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

In this episode of Armchair Anonymous, Dax Shepard and Monica Bormann listen to callers sharing their most harrowing and bizarre encounters

Key takeaways

• A West End theater usher recounted a chaotic hen party that involved an inflatable penis and a patron defecating in the theater foyer.
• A flooring contractor described a highly unsettling encounter with a religious client whose behavior turned into inappropriate physical contact during a measurement.
• An esthetician shared a traumatic experience where a male client's behavior during a Brazilian wax became sexually explicit and unprofessional.
• A bartender in Illinois survived being stabbed with a tactical hatchet by an individual who was later found to be a repeat offender.
• The episode explores the psychological toll of customer service, describing it as a 'beat down' for those on the front lines.

Main topics

• Bad customer stories
• West End theater disruptions
• Inappropriate client boundaries

Notable quotes

It's a beat down.

Conclusion

The episode serves as a wild collection of anecdotes illustrating the

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:00) Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Batman. Speaker 6 (0:05) Hi there. Speaker 4 (0:06) Today we have lots of stories, foreign facts, of bad, bad customers. Ooh. Naughty customers. Speaker 6 (0:13) Bad customer. I Speaker 4 (0:14) regret not making the prompt naughty customers as opposed to bad, because in fact one of these people is very, very naughty. Deviant, I would say. So Speaker 6 (0:22) naughty. Speaker 4 (0:22) We could have done deviant customer. So naughty. Okay. Creepy. People have really dealt with a lot of stuff. Yeah. It's Speaker 6 (0:31) hard to be in customer service. Speaker 4 (0:32) It's a beat down. It's a beat down. It's probably one notch under the nurses, what they're dealing with, right? Yeah. Okay. Please enjoy Naughty Bad Customers. Speaker 1 (1:02) Hello. Already Speaker 4 (1:04) a fun accent on the table. I'm Speaker 1 (1:07) from the UK. Oh, wonderful. Speaker 4 (1:09) Whereabouts? Speaker 1 (1:10) Manchester. Oh, Speaker 6 (1:11) wow. You love Manchester. Dax had a love affair with someone from Manchester and he loves it. Speaker 4 (1:19) It's definitely opened my heart to Manchester for sure. Speaker 1 (1:23) There's Speaker 4 (1:23) a Speaker 1 (1:23) bit of a competition between the northerners and the southerners in the UK, and I'm team northern. I'm Speaker 4 (1:28) glad to hear that's standard with north and south, because northern Californians hate southern Californians, but we love them. Speaker 6 (1:35) And generally, northerners hate southerners of the United States. Speaker 4 (1:40) Yes, there's obviously a very historic north-south issue in the U.S. So you're from Manchester. Have you ever left? Speaker 1 (1:49) Yes, I'm only visiting Manchester this time. So I live in Singapore. Oh, my goodness. Holy Speaker 4 (1:55) smokes. Speaker 1 (1:55) What are Speaker 4 (1:55) you doing in Singapore? Speaker 1 (1:56) I actually run a recruitment company for the shipping industry, for the maritime industry. So it's my own company. I actually set up this year. So it's been an exciting year. Congratulations. That's a big deal. Speaker 4 (2:10) Will you be a spectator at the Formula One race that's coming in a few weeks? Speaker 6 (2:13) Oh, yes. We go every year. There's one in Singapore. Speaker 4 (2:17) Yeah. Not only is there one in Singapore, but my dream is if you stay at that hotel with the weird boat on top, you can be in the pool and watch the race. Speaker 1 (2:25) Cool. It's a really cool weekend. The vibe is amazing. It's very busy, but it's a fabulous weekend. We don't miss it. Speaker 4 (2:35) And have you stayed at that place? What's it called? Like the Marina Bay or something? Speaker 1 (2:38) Marina Bay Sands. I haven't stayed there, but you can visit. And they've got a lovely cocktail bar on the top floor with an amazing view. So you can see the whole of the track pretty much from that bar. It's pretty amazing. Wow, Speaker 6 (2:51) that's amazing. My mom is dying to go to Singapore. Speaker 4 (2:54) Oh, yeah. It's Speaker 1 (2:55) been Speaker 6 (2:55) on her list as long as I can remember. Speaker 4 (2:57) I went in 99. Speaker 4 (3:00) But I think it's changed quite a bit. Speaker 1 (3:02) I've lived there for eight years now. And even in those eight years, it's almost unrecognizable. It's changed so much. There's so much building work. It's progressed so much. It's a really very popular destination now to live, to visit. Speaker 4 (3:16) OK, so you have a bad customer story. I Speaker 1 (3:19) do. So this does take place in the UK. It takes place in 2014. I was living and working in London at the time, and I was working in a West End theatre, one that showed Mamma Mia. So just to set the scene a little bit, three things that you should know about the story coming up. First of all is it takes place in the summer holidays. So the theatre that I worked in had a deal for one month of the summer holidays where one child goes free per one paying adult. So that month is always crazy. There's loads of kids in the matinee shows. It's a very family-friendly show, Mamma Mia. The second thing to note is that it is also very popular, the matinee show, with hen parties, bachelorette parties. Oh, Speaker 6 (4:08) I love that. I've never heard that. Speaker 1 (4:10) Yeah, Speaker 4 (4:10) I like hen parties. Me too. Speaker 1 (4:13) Particularly Mamma Mia, you know, it's a fun show and it sets the day up nicely. And the third thing is that This theater is about 1,100 seat capacity. So it's not huge, but it's not tiny. And most of those 1,100 people turn up to the theater 15 minutes before the show starts. The last 15 minutes before the show starts is mayhem. You're having to make some quick assessments on people. You're looking out for trouble customers. You're looking out for nice customers and seeing what's going to be happening throughout the next two hour show. Speaker 4 (4:48) And what are some of the red flags when you're looking for a bad customer? Inebriation? Is that on the? table? It's Speaker 1 (4:54) high on the list. Inebriation is probably the number one that we're looking for at this stage. Come on, guys. Speaker 4 (5:00) Well, Speaker 1 (5:01) sometimes Speaker 4 (5:01) like your wife drags you to this play, you're on vacation and you're like, get drunk at the pool and you keep thinking you're not going to have to go to this show, but then there you are and you're pretty hammered. Speaker 1 (5:11) Exactly. And in the UK, we love a bottomless brunch and the matinee starts at 3 p.m. So you have your bottomless brunch. You take your way to the theater. Oh, what a day. It's dicey, let's just say that. I mean, yeah, it's an amazing day if you're having the day. I just imagine Speaker 4 (5:28) 20 % of the audience out cold snoring. Speaker 1 (5:31) Yeah, exactly. Speaker 4 (5:33) Because they're drunk. It's Speaker 1 (5:35) happened. Speaker 4 (5:35) This Speaker 1 (5:36) particular day, I am working as an usher. in the dress circle. So that's the first layer. You've got the stalls, you've got the dress circle. So I'm an usher. I'm inside the theatre and I have already got a radio call to say I've got a hen party coming to my circle and they have been put on a watch list already. Oh my God. So they come in, they're having a lovely time. They're okay so far, but they've each got a couple of glasses of wine with them as well that they've been allowed to bring into the theatre. That was maybe the first bad choice of the day for the staff of the theatre, but we'll look past that. And we get them settled in their seats and they're having a lovely time. So I'm seating other patrons and I look over and they have managed to sneak in an inflatable penis, which they have now blown up. Speaker 4 (6:26) Oh boy. Speaker 1 (6:27) I mean, it's not huge, but it's noticeable. And they're now waving it around. There's a lot of kids around. It's a matinee show in the summer holidays. It's very funny. I'm laughing as well. You know, I'm trying to hold it together. And I ask them very politely, can you please pass me the penis? Speaker 4 (6:44) Sure. They Speaker 1 (6:45) start to pass it down the row and they drop it. That was in Speaker 4 (6:51) quotes for the listener. The Speaker 1 (6:53) penis proceeds to bounce down. the rose. Speaker 4 (6:56) And Speaker 1 (6:57) it bounces all the way down to the stalls, the level below. So we've got a penis falling from the sky. Speaker 4 (7:06) So Speaker 1 (7:06) that's caused a little bit of a stir, but that's okay. At least now the penis isn't my problem. That's downstairs's problem. The show begins. The ladies start to have a little bit of fun. They're singing along to the music. They are waving and dancing, which you'd think would be okay at Mamma Mia, but we had a policy of people pay good money to see a West End show. They pay to see the performers sing, not a bachelorette party singing the songs. Yes, I would hate that. So I very politely ask them, please, can you not sing anymore? That's part of the policy. We don't allow singing and dancing throughout the show. So they quieten down a little bit, but then they get more and more drunk with their wine. They're having a great time. And by halfway through the first act, I'm having to call security. It's getting a little bit too much and people around them are complaining. The policy is that we wouldn't kick them out in the middle of an act. It's too disruptive to the whole theatre. The bouncers will just come and stand next to the row and look a little bit menacing and they can see that they're being monitored and now they should be behaving. It doesn't stop. So the decision is made that at the interval, they're going to be told they're not allowed to re-enter the show. They will be asked to leave the theatre. The interval happens. They come out of the seats. They go to the bar where they are refused service. The front of house manager. says to them very calmly, we've had some complaints. You're not meeting our policies and now you will not be allowed to re-enter. An argument ensues, of course. They are really kicking off at this point. They're shouting, they're swearing. There's a lot of things going on. It's the middle of the interval. And so the big dog is called in. The theatre manager comes down from her office. Now, my theatre manager is amazing. She's very calm. She's very stoic. She doesn't take shit from anybody. I love it. I would listen to her. She scares me. So she comes down and she has a calm conversation with them and she manages to get the situation under control. As this has been going on, the second half of the show has now resumed. But there's still this discussion happening in the foyer of the theatre. The ladies are very upset, obviously. They want to be allowed back in or a minimum they would like a refund, which is never going to happen. Speaker 4 (9:27) Things Speaker 1 (9:28) very quickly start to escalate again. Oh Speaker 4 (9:31) boy. Speaker 1 (9:31) And they become even more irate. It's notching up, you know, to maybe an eight out of 10 on the butlery scale at this point. And so a decision is made to call the police because at this time it's now been about 30 minutes of them arguing. Once we tell them we will be calling the police to remove them from the theatre, it's a group of five women. Three of them leave. They decide, we're not getting mixed up with the police. We're going to leave calmly. However, the last two women, they want to make a point. They're not leaving. One of the women decides to pull down her trousers, squat, and do a poo in the middle of the foyer of the Speaker 4 (10:12) theatre. Speaker 4 (10:15) I thought a P was coming our way. Me Speaker 6 (10:17) too. But Speaker 4 (10:18) she was like, no, I'm going full Tonka. Full Speaker 6 (10:21) number two. Oh, Speaker 4 (10:22) my gosh. Your theater manager, who sounds like Tom Hardy, that's her vibe. It gets scarier the quieter she gets. What is her reaction to the poop in the theater? Speaker 1 (10:34) She's very calm. Actually, throughout the whole thing, she's saying, Madam. Please, I think I know what's going to happen now. If you could please pull your trousers back up. If you do need to use the toilet, Speaker 4 (10:46) we do Speaker 1 (10:47) have a toilet. We can facilitate that. Speaker 4 (10:50) First of all, congrats to her that she had one in the chamber that she could just pull the trigger on that quickly when she got angry. I Speaker 1 (10:58) think that was Speaker 6 (10:58) just, she got herself excited about the cops. But can Speaker 4 (11:01) you imagine being pissed and going, you know what? I'm going to fucking shit right here. And what are the odds that you would be prepared at that moment to actually. So Speaker 1 (11:07) much wine. Speaker 4 (11:08) Okay. So she maybe has been holding it in. Speaker 1 (11:10) She's been drinking all day. Wine can sometimes get things moving. Wine can have that effect on people. Loose. Yeah, exactly. Monica. And so in the end, after she's done the poo, she pulls her trousers up without wiping. She took Speaker 4 (11:29) her sock off. Speaker 1 (11:31) That's Speaker 4 (11:32) the best move. Speaker 1 (11:33) And walks out of the theater with her friend like nothing ever happened. And that was that. Speaker 4 (11:38) The cops never? They Speaker 1 (11:40) didn't arrive in time. We're in a theater. The people won't leave. We're not high up on their list on that Saturday afternoon. So they never arrived in time. They ended up being called off because the woman decided to leave. She did her business and she left. Speaker 4 (11:53) Whose job was it to then handle that? Speaker 1 (11:56) Cleanup duty. The theater manager. She was a believer of, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself. Oh, Speaker 4 (12:04) God. Did you stick around and watch? Speaker 1 (12:07) Got her rubber gloves on. We were all watching. Yeah, because I'm Speaker 4 (12:11) like, I would ask for two paper plates from the concession stand and I would have tried to move. Because Speaker 6 (12:17) you're Speaker 4 (12:17) kind of Speaker 6 (12:17) imagining it as like dog poop. That's right. This is human wine poop. Speaker 4 (12:23) Was it real loose? Not to get too... Did she need a mop or a paper plate? It Speaker 6 (12:29) wasn't loose-loose, but no. Oh, this theater full of children and a grown-ass woman is pooping on the floor. Speaker 4 (12:38) First of all, I'm very sorry for you and the staff there. No one should have to deal with that. But I do wonder if this story came up during, like, the rehearsal dinner speeches. This person, as vile as she is, is likely a legend now in her circle. Oh, God. Like, do you remember the time Betty dumped at the... West End Theater. And she never broke eye contact with the scary manager. Like, she's most certainly a legend in her circle for this. But Speaker 6 (13:06) she Speaker 1 (13:06) wasn't the bride, right? Speaker 4 (13:07) Do we know? The Speaker 1 (13:08) bride had a sash saying bride, and then the rest of them had a sash saying team bride. The bride left when the mention of the police, she hot-footed out there. Oh, my God. Speaker 6 (13:19) What is a bachelor party called? A rooster party? Cock Speaker 4 (13:23) party? Speaker 6 (13:23) A stag do. Speaker 4 (13:24) Oh, okay. I have made some observations. Certainly men get really naughty on these bachelor parties. That's well documented and I don't forgive them, but I'm mostly privy to these hen parties that come through Nashville. I have to say, I have observed the intoxication level is harder and quicker and earlier in the day. You guys agree? It's Speaker 1 (13:45) an Speaker 6 (13:45) all day affair into the evening Speaker 1 (13:48) and then the next day, hopefully. Speaker 6 (13:50) If you're there for the weekend. They Speaker 1 (13:52) can get pretty wild. I mean, I know the men's parties are notorious, but the women's can get pretty wild as well, I think. It's Speaker 4 (14:00) comforting that all people behave. like animals different Speaker 1 (14:04) kinds of animals Speaker 6 (14:05) but yeah yeah Speaker 4 (14:05) animals just the same wow amy what a great punch